Block out thoughts? Or 'feel' them to heal them?

[rosie72]

Here's my back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287156/

 

So i found out yesterday that the true reason he is leaving is because he's cheated. I kicked him out immediately, it was the saddest thing ever to see him walk out the door.

Now my head is filled with images of him, then man i love, with another woman. I woke up in the night and had a massive panic attack, and couldn't stop thinking about it all.

 

My question is.. i know we shouldn't dwell on things, and go over everything obsessively, BUT do you think its necessary to have these thoughts and feelings in order to heal, to work through it all, and let it 'out'? If i try to block it out and stop my thoughts, distract myself etc - is that going to be bad for me psychologically? Will i not heal properly? Do i have to feel this pain? I don't know what to do im just in mental agony

[ScienceGal]

I am sorry you're going through this. I remeber waking to panic attacks myself.

 

I personally hash and rehash things until I end up blocking it all out. I am a dweller and seem to hold on longer than I should. But, now I only post here. I only have one close friend that I confide in about my ex because I feel I shouldn't be thinking about it anymore. But it's what works for me and I know that once I am done, I am done. There is no forcing it or rushing it. It is different for everyone.

 

You have feelings. So, I would say that you should not hold any of them in. When things come to you, let them out. Either to friends/family or on here. Don't worry about doing the "right" thing. Just be open to what you're thinking and feeling. Do what feels right for you but always keep in mind that moving forward is the key. Don't contact the ex and do all you can to focus on yourself.

 

Good luck

[Buttercup84]

I am sorry to hear that.

 

I am the same, I think of all this stuff , him with another woman and someone else touching him, him doing all these things he did with me..with someone else.

 

I also have panic attacks , my doctor told me that as soon as I get these thoughts to let them go.But it is hard not to obsess of them.

[shayla]

I felt everything. I obsessed. I cried every day. One day I'd be consumed with thoughts of him and her and the way he betrayed me. And the next day I'd want to throw a dirty bomb into the place they got married, 2 months after I found out and confronted them....I hung their wedding pictures on the wall and let myself feel all the feelings I felt about seeing them.

 

And now 8 months later, I feel nothing about the situation, nor about them or what they did. Once I got it out of my system, I was done and feel fine.

 

I knew that if I pushed it down, that it would come out in a major way and probably in a way that I would not want it to, like when I see them out together, and I will sooner or later because I live in a small town.

[antinko]

I found it best to simply embrace them at their worst and then, as they cycle through, try and address them more rationally each time you experience them. You'll see a strange cyclical type progression if you read my journal where I experience pain but get a bit more rational as the journal goes on.

 

The fact is you were very strong kicking him out immediately. You've got a lot of self respect by the looks of it so you'll certainly cope.

[radiodarcy]

I knew that if I pushed it down, that it would come out in a major way and probably in a way that I would not want it to, like when I see them out together, and I will sooner or later because I live in a small town.

 

i feel the same way - - although he and i live in separate towns with sizeable suburban sprawl; so the risk of us crossing paths is extremely low. but i still want to get over him as the attachment i have to him is extremely unhealthy.

 

it's been close to 6 months NC for me and even though i still have my moments, i feel so much better now than i did when i (re)started NC. and i think that's because i allowed myself to feel the sadness, anger and depression. i too have a tendency to dwell on those feelings. sometimes to a point where it's unhealthy.

 

but overtime, my brain seems to tire of thinking about him so much and all thoughts of him seem to grind to a halt. which is a great feeling! of cours, i still have moments when it's all i can do to keep from thinking about him but i allow myself to have those moments and when they're gone; i move on to thinking about something else.

 

letting go is a process and i think the process can actually go more smoothly when you let your feelings out as you are experiencing them. keeping everything in only keeps you in a state of denial and will inevitably backfire down the line.

[antinko]

I felt everything. I obsessed. I cried every day. One day I'd be consumed with thoughts of him and her and the way he betrayed me. And the next day I'd want to throw a dirty bomb into the place they got married, 2 months after I found out and confronted them....I hung their wedding pictures on the wall and let myself feel all the feelings I felt about seeing them.

 

And now 8 months later, I feel nothing about the situation, nor about them or what they did. Once I got it out of my system, I was done and feel fine.

 

I knew that if I pushed it down, that it would come out in a major way and probably in a way that I would not want it to, like when I see them out together, and I will sooner or later because I live in a small town.

 

Yeh, I agree with this one. And wow, hanging the pictures up? That's really brave. I applaud you for your strength.

[rosie72]

thank you guys. Today i feel really very low. Keep thinking i want to wake up, cant believe that my life has changed so much for the worse. He has gone off to france today - the holiday WE were supposed to go on. i think he will be with HER. I cant bear the pain, i dont know what to do. i dont want to have even one more day of feeling like this

[shayla]

Rosie,

I know that the pain is severe right now. It feels like it will never end. But I can promise you, in time, it will. You will look back on this as a speed bump and you will think about it less and less until you don't think about it any more, or when you do, there will be little emotion behind it.

 

Antinko,

I found out later on that my ex left his second wife (this latest one makes number 4, yeah that was a real suprise) and his only child to marry one of her friends. They divorced after 6 years. The woman that he lived with for 15 years (after his divorce from wife number 3) he walked out on to marry this woman too (yeah, I didn't know about her either)

 

Neither one of those women have had relationships since he left them, one of them 21 years ago! If this isn't a case of being hurt badly and never getting over it, I don't know what is. Here they are, in their mid to late 50's, severely overweight, and bitter over what this man did to them. And I am determined to land on my feet and get over this crap once and for all, because I am not going to be sitting here years from now still crying over this bastard and not meet another man.

 

So I put it all out there and grieved long and hard. And it paid off. This isn't the approach for everybody, but I made it my mission.