Hibou Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. The People: Myself and 3 friends The Facts: Friends since college - 7 years. We spent most holidays together, and until a few years ago, I spoke on the phone with at least 2 of them weekly. They're a bit younger, and tend towards the familiar. Anxiety disorders abound in this group. The short version of this story is that after a series of wrongdoings from all parties, my friends have dumped me without ceremony. Two simply stopped taking my calls seemingly out of nowhere, since we were fine and chatting days before, and another sent me a condescending facebook message detailing my flaws. She will not accept a reply to this message. I would like to talk it out and at least part on amicable terms, but she's also not interested in that. While I am happy to acknowledge my flaws and atone for my past mistakes, not one of them is interested in acknowledging how they've treated me. It's a long story, but suffice to say that all parties are guilty. We broke our friendship, basically. Except they're all still friends, and post pictures of them all hanging out blocks from my house. Yes, I'm better off. I know. My problem is: I feel like crap. Right now, I will be doing OK when I am suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. The thing is, it's not even them I miss. I don't even miss the company - I have made so many other close friends here. I'm very sensitive about secrecy - my parents didn't tell me about my own adoption until I was 18, my first two (and only) boyfriends broke up with me suddenly (one said he asked me out as a joke) and I just generally have a hard time reading social situations. Them hiding all of this from me and then dumping it on me without allowing me to respond is probably the worst thing they could have done. Also, I'm an only child with no family to speak of other than my parents. We have a large extended family, but they weren't involved much in my life, so I have no particular bond with them. I have a lot of anxiety about my parents dying, because then I'll be the only living person who took part in my childhood. That's sort of how I feel about this - they WERE college for me. That whole period is now tinged with sadness, since I have no one to share those memories with. I think this is just the first time I've ever broken something that can't be fixed. It's awful. Where did we all go wrong in this? Basically, I'm feeling some horrible feelings I've never felt before, and worse, I'm convinced that everyone I care about secretly hates me. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and my chest literally hurts. I'm a musician, but I can't find any music that fits what I'm feeling. OK, besides "Still Hurting". I honestly don't even have words to describe any of this, so it just stays all bottled up. I've never been in love, so I don't really know, but is this what a real breakup/divorce feels like....?
Badenov Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I think you're looking for some closure, but if they don't want to listen there's not much you can do. If you agree with your friend's criticism of you, all you can do is work on your flaws. If you don't, just call it a personality conflict & look for people who'll accept you for who you are. You admit you made mistakes (don't dwell on what they did. It won't help you), so all you can do is learn from them for next time. I'm a musician, but I can't find any music that fits what I'm feeling. Then why don't you try writing some?
mo mo Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I think I know how you feel Hibou. While I haven't gone exactly through the same thing, I do know quite a bit about friendships developed during college years, growing up, and seeing how people adjust to living their lives after they've been introduced to reality. I'm going to assume you and your friends are all in your 20s. During these years, people begin to understand themselves much better. Unfortunately, for most people, they begin to realize they have certain limitations.. whether it's intelligence, talent, or physical prowess. For instance, a friend may get a job in accounting and grow bored of it. Said friend may realize she has bills to pay and pursuing a new career would be difficult. This can lead to bitterness and misery. This bitterness and misery becomes so powerful during adulthood that it begins to affect relationships. She may become jealous of you, because you may seem to be happy making music. That may or may not be necessarily true, but you know how it is, the grass is greener on the other side. I wish I could tell you things will get better, but unfortunately, I know for a fact that these years can be very tough and we all have to be ready to let go and move on.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 It doesn't sound to me that they were core friends, you admit yourself you have other close friends. True, proper, close friends don't just stop talking to you - especially not in such a syncronised way - it's just not how you treat people. They may wish to exclude you for a reason but real friends talk to you about it especially if you talk regularly. Do you want to tell us what it is that one of them sent to you on facebook?
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