fetish1980 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) Been 6 months since my split from ex out of an 8 year long relationship. My ex ultimately decided to leave after i confronted her about her money issues and gambling. we were planning on getting married but i guess since she didnt want to hear the issues i had with her money managing skills and gambling habits, we both decided to end it. Three months later, she tried to reconcile and say she wanted to give it another try, but i no longer trust her. Everytime she got mad in the past, she always threatened a break up. We even did break up for a week one time but we decided to try again. I realize now that we are clearly not right for eachother. I was doing great for a while and was even happy, but i still think about her everyday and still really miss her. I am constantly wondering what she's doing and how she's doing. She hasn't contacted in a while and i've been maintaining nc, but i still miss her and still love her deeply. I realize she's an addict, selfish, and i took too much crap off her. I'm constantly telling myself and rehashing the same things over and over again to justify my not going back with her. This second guessing is having me vunerable and backpedaling a little. I'm starting to think obsessive compulsive disorder might be in the works. How do you cope with that? I still go to the gym, work, and etc. yet I still think about her too many times out of the day fetish Edited August 24, 2011 by fetish1980
melenkurion Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 It's natural to miss her. The feelings you are having are more like the cravings you get when withdrawing from a drug (one of the most potent there is). Her past push-pull behaviour is exactly the pattern of behaviour that is just right to intensify the addictive nature of the relationship. Dopamine (one of the main "feel good" chemicals) release seems to be related as much to anticipation of pleasure as to actual pleasure. The fact that you still have these feelings really doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you at all. I offer my own experiences as a comparison point. My relationship ended in October. I have been seeing a counsellor since November. I still have feelings of some sort, even though I know my relationship wasn't right, even though I certainly don't want him back. He's still in my thoughts far more than I would like. My counsellor is constantly reassuring me that having these feelings is still OK, even after all this time. It's a perfectly normal response to something so major.
Badenov Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 The fact that you still have these feelings really doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you at all. I agree. read these coping threads & you'll realize how normal this is. The thing is, you won't wake up some morning & be over her. You'll start to have a "good day" every now & then, then slip back into depression. After awhile, the "good days" will come more often. It's an emotional roller coaster & you just have to ride it out. But you did the right thing. Gambling addiction is no different than drugs or alcohol. Until she admits she has a problem, there's no fixing it. If you had stayed with her, she would have made your life hell.
melenkurion Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Incidentally, some experiments by Skinner seem to have shown that "inconsistent rewards" produce the strongest response. This is hard-wired into our brains (see here for one discussion of this phenomenon). So again, you are reacting in a totally natural way considering how you were treated. There are interesting parallels with gambling: the inconsistent reward gained in gambling seems to be particularly addictive.
Author fetish1980 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 i appreciate all the replies and look forward to more. I know that i'm actually better off without her and i know there's going to be pain either way whether i went back with her or not. I'm in a fool state of mind right now to where i feel a little guilty for not going back. Part of me did and part of me liked it when she'd try to contact me as if she still cared, even though i know it wasn't healthy. I never realized how diffiicult breakups were. I've gone through breakups before, but this was my first real and long term relationship where we actually lived together and had plans of getting married. I just wish i could stop this obsessing i've been doing lately because it's literally making me feel crazy. fetish
Graceful Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Sorry to hear this, but in a nutshell, this board is not equipped to help you, you really need to get some counselling and get a sounding board where you can speak your thoughts out loud. Additionally, I still think you underestimate two things: being around addictive behavior is very dysfunctional and causes mental entrapment (you enabled her for a long time without knowing it) and secondly, I think you are blaming the breakup and using the breakup as a scapegoat, including the fact you keep saying that you love your ex "deeply" which I do not buy. If, after what she has done and the way she has treated you, your knowledge of what dysfunction the relationship brings into your life is all true, then if you still love her deeply, that's an issue for you, not something to attribute to the breakup. My love for my ex dissipated after he cheated on me, it sickened me, lying sickens me, I don't deserve that, and I'd never treat someone like that -- so if you still feel deep love for someone who has treated you that poorly, that's on you, not the breakup itself. It is a slow process, but you should not be feeling deep love for her at this point, IMHO. Your love should have faded somewhat by now, that is what I am saying here. I am not one to endorse the idea you can "get over" a breakup, and you know that, as I have spoken to you probably more than anyone else on LS has -- but now it's time for you to take this matter into your own hands and seriously, b/c obsessing about your ex now? That's a sign of your issues surfacing, low self-esteem, being an enabler, and all that. Stop making this about the breakup and make it about you. That is the only way you are ever going to go forward. And no jokes here, I am not being harsh, it's just that you are in very serious denial. I'm in a fool state of mind right now to where i feel a little guilty for not going back. Part of me did and part of me liked it when she'd try to contact me as if she still cared, even though i know it wasn't healthy. She did not contact you because she cares about you, she contacted you because she cares about .... mmmm... oh yeah, HERSELF. She contacted you for money, more than once. When you said no, where did she go? She disappeared? She never once, not even ONCE made any type of committed statement that she was willing to do what ever it took to get back with you, right herself, get into counselling, get out of debt, or try to create any plan of action to get back with you. Not even one. She picked up the phone, which takes how much effort? NONE. So if you do not get out of denial, you will stay stuck -- and that has to do with you, not the breakup. If you do not get some help, plan to stay stuck for the foreseeable future. Sorry. I probably will not post to you again, so want to offer you sincere best wishes for your recovery and the best of luck. In friendship, Graceful
Author fetish1980 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) What Graceful said is right, as she's been following my situation for a long time. This latest relapse has been pretty hard. At 6 -7 months, post break up, there's no reason should be still obsessing over ex. Let me clear up what i meant. For the last couple of weeks, she has been occupying my thought process quite a bit. I never stopped thinking about her even when i was doing well from May thru beginning part of this month, but i was happy and living life. Maybe loving her deeply was the wrong description, but loving her and trying to let go completely is a better one. I'm still overall happy, although lately, i'm having a relapse and still having a hard time completely letting go. That's my issue and there's no help, except self help for that. Graceful just slapped me a dose of reality that i needed to snap out of this relapse and depression i've been falling back into. She's right, it's not an issue with my break up, it's really an issue with how i handle things when bad things come my way. The grief comes and goes, maybe its not as obsessiive as i described it to be in the beginning. But anyway, the last post just wakened me up and reminded me that i need to be the warrior again. I know i'm not this weak. fetish Edited August 24, 2011 by fetish1980
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