mattias Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 OK, so this sucks having to try to explain but here goes.. I'm about 99% sure my gf is cheating on me. Within the past few weeks I've noticed that she says she always has to be home at 1100 PM. She doesn't really ever have a reason why, just that she's got a lot of stuff to do the next day, or something vague. When we're out together she's always on her phone texting away, always distracted. A mutual friend had me out for a beer and pretty much told me she was seeing someone else behind my back..gave me the guy's name and everything, and just asked that I didn't say it was her who had told me this. I didn't confront my gf with it right away, I just tried to be more intimate with her. At first she was receptive to it, but within the past couple of weeks she's been backing off whenever I go to kiss her or hold her hand or anything else. I'll usually think of some random romantic song off the top of my head or just make something up and play it for her on my guitar when we're alone. She used to love it, now she just gets up and walks away and says she's not in the mood for that kind of thing. Tonight she said she had to be home at 1100, as usual and started getting really edgy when I asked her about it. I finally just straight up told her I knew what she was up to with this other guy, and she said I was being paranoid and that they were in her words "good friends", and wanted to know who told me about it. I guess I just needed to vent, my friends say to just ignore her completely, is that really the best thing to do? I do want to quit seeing her, but if I do I will tell her directly that I don't trust her and she can go be "good friends" with whoever. Has anyone been in this kind of situation that has any advice? I mean, I have no concrete evidence of her cheating, I can't throw pictures in her face, and I"m not gonna follow her around or hack her laptop cause that's creepy.. but at the same time I know in my gut and heart what she's up to, and just wanna move on. I've been with her through some hard times.. this chick has literally cried in my arms and I've always been there for her, and this is what happens?
Tonkerponk Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 You said a mutual friend gave you the inside infos on her cheating? How do they know? Did they see if first hand? I think that detail matters a bit. Losing physical intimacy in a relationship can often be a key sign of cheating, as theyre getting their nookie elsewhere. Does she also dress differently? Just seem like shes overall more confrontational? Aso, her "good friends" remark seems off. Her saying that already confirms that shes communicating/seeing this other person. Youd think that when youd confront her with suspicions of cheating, that shed go through hoops and bounds to remove your doubt. Go with your instinct. Dont have a kneejerk reaction and have an emotional outburst or anything, just play it cool. You have your gut feelings and instincts for a reason, remember that.
Author mattias Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) You said a mutual friend gave you the inside infos on her cheating? How do they know? Did they see if first hand? I think that detail matters a bit. It was a "you're a good guy and you deserve to know what's happening" conversation. I assume she saw them together first hand, but I really don't know. But like you said, instinct is important and something just isn't right. My natural reaction is to just tell her to her face to go away and be done with her, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do that. I should have mentioned in my first post, but the guy she's seeing is someone we both know, that's probably why she would say they were good friends. I figure I can either 1. Tell her pointblank to her face that she's lost my trust and break up and just move on. or 2. Find another girl to have as a "good friend" of my own and see how she likes it. I wouldn't go so far as to say she is dressing differently, but I've noticed her with some new really sexy clothes recently, stuff that makes your jaw hit the floor. She always dresses up sexy though. Told her so, too, for what it's worth. Edited August 24, 2011 by mattias
Tonkerponk Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Confront her (in person), and tell her in a very mature, calm tone, that you have suspicions about her being faithful. Cite your reasons to her, again, very calmly, do not freak out on her. You need to make it known that her actions are not acceptable and that if she cant respect your boundaries when it comes to other people, then she cant have you. Her reaction should make it pretty obvious about whats going on. Overly defensive, dodges the question, flips it on you, ect ect I wouldnt seek out revenge if you actually really care for this girl. Yes it COULD (doubtful) work, but more likely it would only make things worse in the future and give her ammunition in fights, and create more instability. Dont stoop to her level, be the better person. Now, if you despise the bitch and want to try and **** her emotions over before you leave, thats another story.
Author mattias Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Right now I do despise her, a lot. I've been by her side through so much bs, this whole situation has totally caught me off guard. I know I won't do anything on impulse, and I still do care for her, I just need to find the right way to approach her and tell her what a disappointment she is, in the calmest, coolest possible way of course.
Tonkerponk Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I just need to find the right way to approach her and tell her what a disappointment she is, in the calmest, coolest possible way of course. There ya go. Good idea. Keep your cool, and let her know what the deal is. Expressing DISAPPOINTMENT is often much more effective than anger, jealousy or anything else. Telling her that her actions have been unattractive and disappointing will get you much farther than blowing up on her. Sounds like you got the gist. Good luck man, will be interested to see how it all turns out.
ChessPieceFace Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I"m not gonna follow her around or hack her laptop cause that's creepy No it isn't. You have multiple reasons to believe she's cheating on you. I'm afraid people are guilty until proven innocent in that situation. Either break up with her, or do the surveillance you need to do to answer the question once and for all. Or keep letting someone probably walk all over you, act dismissive toward you and potentially get you infected with someone else's STD I guess. My friend had to be very devious to prove his girlfriend was cheating on him. It was the smart thing to do.
rafallus Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 You don't need definite proof. If you are unhappy, just tell her so, and that you think she's not what you're looking for, it isn't working out, etc.
TBH Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 well i applaud you for not snooping into her FB, emails etc. thing is, even if she isnt seeing this guy, she's still behaving in a way which is making you unhappy. you have every right to confront her directly if you feel something isnt right, you dont need proof. i would be very suspicious if i were you when she replied 'he's just a good friend' thats a classic response and confirms that there is another guy involved. it may be that they are not physical, just emotional and by calling him a 'friend' she feels she is telling you the truth, which of course isnt true.
TBH Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) No it isn't. You have multiple reasons to believe she's cheating on you. I'm afraid people are guilty until proven innocent in that situation. Either break up with her, or do the surveillance you need to do to answer the question once and for all. Or keep letting someone probably walk all over you, act dismissive toward you and potentially get you infected with someone else's STD I guess. My friend had to be very devious to prove his girlfriend was cheating on him. It was the smart thing to do. dont do this. you dont need proof and you'd just be lowering yourself to spy. trust your gut and demand answers. if you're not happy with the response, leave. and you cant prove someone is innocent, only guilty because you either find something or you dont. if you dont there's always the possibility of another email account etc. so not finding anything wont stop you suspecting if her behaviour continues. Edited August 24, 2011 by TBH
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