D-Lish Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You took a date to a stand in line for your food restaurant???????? Now you're angry she didn't pay her way???? You asked her out right? YOU planned the date... If you're short on cash you should have made the brighter decision to take her for coffee- or even better, suggest a hike.... The fact that you are mad is ridiculous. $12 is an inconvenience to you? Seriously?
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 OP, are you multi-dating? Since you just met this one and are talking about a 'possible sixth date on Friday', the math has me a bit I, too, would like to know if she extended a sincere 'thank you'.
veggirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Who cares if it was a "stand in line" restaurant? There are LOADS around here that would be PERFECT for a first date....casual/kitchsy without being fastfood type cheap. Tons of them. They are great cause they are low pressure but not McDonalds type of deal. I mean if a hike is okay, why is a stand in line restaurant not? lol. I can seriously think of 4 off the top of my head that I would not hesitate to suggest to a guy for a first date This girl was totally tactless. To walk away without even offering some $$ was beyond rude.
D-Lish Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Who cares if it was a "stand in line" restaurant? There are LOADS around here that would be PERFECT for a first date....casual/kitchsy without being fastfood type cheap. Tons of them. They are great cause they are low pressure but not McDonalds type of deal. I mean if a hike is okay, why is a stand in line restaurant not? lol. I can seriously think of 4 off the top of my head that I would not hesitate to suggest to a guy for a first date This girl was totally tactless. To walk away without even offering some $$ was beyond rude. Actually, you had no tact. I'm assuming you are 17....
Sanman Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 haha, oh yeah and what a bill that was! a whole $12.5 PD, I totally agree that the girl should have at least pulled out her wallet (then if you wanted to pay you would have let her know, otherwise she should have paid for herself) There is no point in getting so mad about it now. I understand that you're unemployed, but you should also understand that dating costs money (and most guys DO treat a girl the first few dates at least) If you don't want to be in that awkward position again, do as others suggested and go for coffee, or ice cream or even a nice little walk in the park (that one is totally free!) See, there is no way to end that sentence without mentioning that he is a guy. If you are a girl, apparently you can just walk away from the register. I was at a restaurant recently and the guy at the counter suggested the guy ordering pay for the girl and they actually got into an argument where the guy ordering told him to mind his business. I know how you feel OP, I've been there. At least it was a small hit to your wallet. Definitely keep it as a lesson. Take advantage of picnics while you can if the weather is still good.
shayla Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If a man asked me on a date and took me where he wanted to go, I would assume he planned on paying. If I asked a man out and he goes where I want to go, then the expectation is that I pay. If a man is low on funds, he should either not date at all, or plan creative, romantic, cheap dates. A little ingenuity can make for a fantastic date that doesn't have to be stingy. Going to a movie on a special price day is cool. Going out to a fast food place with a 2 for 1 coupon and getting mad because she got a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger is not.
TigerCub Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 See, there is no way to end that sentence without mentioning that he is a guy. If you are a girl, apparently you can just walk away from the register. I was at a restaurant recently and the guy at the counter suggested the guy ordering pay for the girl and they actually got into an argument where the guy ordering told him to mind his business. I know how you feel OP, I've been there. At least it was a small hit to your wallet. Definitely keep it as a lesson. Take advantage of picnics while you can if the weather is still good. Yeah it sucks, but that's the way it is. I didn't make the rules And I did agree that the girl should have offered to pay, and I don't think its cool to just assume that your date is gonna cover your expenses - but honestly, the first 1 or 2 dates, the guy usually does.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 The real question is: Who is more stingy? She or him? He, at least, has an excuse: he's unemployed. She, on the other hand, is just a typical entitled female with no class.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Actually, you had no tact. I'm assuming you are 17.... And I'm assuming you are 57 and suffering from arthritis if standing in line for a few minutes is such a big deal for you
zengirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You took a date to a stand in line for your food restaurant???????? Now you're angry she didn't pay her way???? You asked her out right? YOU planned the date... If you're short on cash you should have made the brighter decision to take her for coffee- or even better, suggest a hike.... The fact that you are mad is ridiculous. $12 is an inconvenience to you? Seriously? I kind of feel this way, to a degree. If a guy has me go in front at a stand-in-line restaurant, while I'm likely going to pull my wallet out or at least wait up there while we both order our food, I'm assuming --- based on my own experience --- there's a 99% chance he plans on paying. Same thing with a first date (and that'd be SUPER awkward on a first date since I haven't decided if I like the guy yet, and I do try to INSIST on paying my way, even if he waves me off, if I don't like the guy). But that just sounds like a bad first date setup all around. Awkward for everyone. Also, I thought you really liked the other girl you were dating, PD? Why a new 1st date?
veggirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Actually, you had no tact. I'm assuming you are 17.... Erm, no I'm not 17 but thanks...nice. I just don't see what is so wrong w/ his choice in restaurant, as I said I can think of loads around here that sound like where he was and would be a great first date! I do agree most girls are going to assume he is going to pay BUT what girl doesn't know that you should OFFER to pay your own way on a first date. I'm assuming this was an online date.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You took a date to a stand in line for your food restaurant???????? Now you're angry she didn't pay her way???? You asked her out right? YOU planned the date... If you're short on cash you should have made the brighter decision to take her for coffee- or even better, suggest a hike.... The fact that you are mad is ridiculous. $12 is an inconvenience to you? Seriously? So wait, the person doing the asking is always supposed to pay? Always? I used to think dating was two freely associating people. It didn't matter who paid for what, rather, the fact that they enjoyed each other's company and had some sort of romantic inclinations is what really mattered. I guess I should re-evaluate that opinion. It's really just a mercenary arrangement, feelings don't really exist.
make me believe Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I think his choice of venue sounded fine, especially for a casual first date with someone that he met online. Actually, since they met online I think he should have gone MORE casual and just met up for coffee. I would be surprised if an online guy took a girl to a nicer sit-down restaurant the first time they met! And for those who are confused about his "6th date" comment, I took that to mean that it's a 6th date with a different girl.. not that he's already planning a 6th date with the rude chick.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 She was presumptuous, if not rude. But you didn't handle it well... Until you see why, expect more frustrations over trivial things that *you* yourself have set-up.
make me believe Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So wait, the person doing the asking is always supposed to pay? Always? I think that's a pretty good rule of thumb, especially in the beginning or when there is a significant difference in income. I was laid off while dating my husband so we literally wouldn't have been able to go on some of the dates/trips he asked me out for if he hadn't paid. I did assume that because he was asking me to go to XYZ Restaurant that he was paying. It would have been awkward to have to say something like "sure, but we can only go if you pay. Otherwise we'll have to go to the horrid stand in line restaurant down the street." (He also paid for dates that I had suggested sometimes, too. But I never suggested anything I wouldn't have been able/willing to pay for anyway.) The problem I have is when people keep track of who's paid for what, who's turn it is, etc. THAT sounds like a mercenary arrangement to me and is totally off-putting.
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't get why a guy who's multi-dating and hopefully enjoying the company of different women would 'snap' at a relatively minor snafu, nor worry about being direct in rectifying it. There's always another lady to enjoy company with if this one doesn't work out. Perhaps try a more assertive approach next time if first meetings are to be shared expenses, or make different choices about those expenses. One more lesson at dating U. Hope it helped
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I think that's a pretty good rule of thumb, especially in the beginning or when there is a significant difference in income. I was laid off while dating my husband so we literally wouldn't have been able to go on some of the dates/trips he asked me out for if he hadn't paid. I did assume that because he was asking me to go to XYZ Restaurant that he was paying. It would have been awkward to have to say something like "sure, but we can only go if you pay. Otherwise we'll have to go to the horrid stand in line restaurant down the street." (He also paid for dates that I had suggested sometimes, too. But I never suggested anything I wouldn't have been able/willing to pay for anyway.) The problem I have is when people keep track of who's paid for what, who's turn it is, etc. THAT sounds like a mercenary arrangement to me and is totally off-putting. So how does one know if the person is going on a date with you for a free meal or because they like your company? Or is that just par for the course and if you don't like it, prepare for a lifetime of singleness?
zengirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So how does one know if the person is going on a date with you for a free meal or because they like your company? Or is that just par for the course and if you don't like it, prepare for a lifetime of singleness? Would you go on a date with someone you didn't like for a free meal? Yes, men often paid for dates with me, but I'd never spent my time on a date with someone just for that purpose, and I never would. Who needs a free meal that badly? Unless you're super rich and taking her to crazy places/buying her crazy stuff, I don't get the "How do I know if it's me she likes" worry. If you bought me a deli sandwich, that's nice and all, but I'd never go out with you to get one. That's. . . just silly.
sally4sara Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So how does one know if the person is going on a date with you for a free meal or because they like your company? Or is that just par for the course and if you don't like it, prepare for a lifetime of singleness? I think it is possible for someone to not only like someone genuinely but also appreciate their level of monetary success. When I asked my husband out for our first date, he had been recently laid off and had not found a new gig. He was smart, funny and attractive and (tho I didn't know this bit) the library where he had been working had closed temporarily due to funding. Still not like it was a high paying job or anything. Now its 7 years later and he makes enough that I could leave and he would still be able to maintain our place without my income. Does it make me a gold digger if I now enjoy his increase in income? Or is it just icing on a cake I already thought delicious? Things are not always so sinister fellas.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Would you go on a date with someone you didn't like for a free meal? Yes, men often paid for dates with me, but I'd never spent my time on a date with someone just for that purpose, and I never would. Who needs a free meal that badly? Unless you're super rich and taking her to crazy places/buying her crazy stuff, I don't get the "How do I know if it's me she likes" worry. If you bought me a deli sandwich, that's nice and all, but I'd never go out with you to get one. That's. . . just silly. Well, I don't necessarily mean that someone would go out with someone they were completely repulsed by in order to get a free sandwich. But rather, say you were ambivalent about someone and because they were paying you figured there was no downside (not you specifically, but the general "you"). My philosophy is that on the first couple of dates you do small stuff like coffee or something especially if it's someone you met online. I have never paid for a date, and really until I joined this site I never thought it was that big of a deal. Maybe my failure to pay is really what doomed every date I've ever been on? But, then again, my brother has the opposite philosophy. He pays for every date. Nothing fancy, usually an inexpensive food place (not McDonalds) or coffee. He too has had zero success (but a lighter wallet). So it doesn't seem like either strategy increases success, but one costs more. And, not to mention, if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was paying for my food (and it wasn't some kind of special occasion) I'd wonder if something was up or if they expected something of me because they paid. I don't go into a date expecting a girl to owe me anything because I paid. I don't know...perhaps I just have a strange way of looking at things.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I think it is possible for someone to not only like someone genuinely but also appreciate their level of monetary success. When I asked my husband out for our first date, he had been recently laid off and had not found a new gig. He was smart, funny and attractive and (tho I didn't know this bit) the library where he had been working had closed temporarily due to funding. Still not like it was a high paying job or anything. Now its 7 years later and he makes enough that I could leave and he would still be able to maintain our place without my income. Does it make me a gold digger if I now enjoy his increase in income? Or is it just icing on a cake I already thought delicious? Things are not always so sinister fellas. I mean if you've been laid off and the guy offered to pay I don't see anything wrong with this. I look at this from the perspective of a guy in his mid-20s. Except for very rare occasions everyone I know (male and female) has more or less the same level of income. So why is it that it's bad if a guy doesn't pay? I'm not saying the woman has to pay, I'm just wondering why it would be so unreasonable to expect both to pay for their own. Or, perhaps a novel solution could be for each to pay for each other's? I also have the perspective of having never had any success with women and dating. I mean zero. I've never even kissed a girl. And from what I've seen in real life, paying doesn't necessarily increase one's chances at success. So, for me, paying for a date would be the same as just wasting money. I might as well hand 10 bucks over without even bothering with the date. I'm not looking at it as a case of someone being sinister, I'm looking at risk vs reward.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I'm more disturbed by you throwing your money at the innocent cashier and taking your anger issues out on her. Poor girl. If you wanted the girl to pay, when you asked her out, you should have said "lets go dutch". But you didn't. So you took it out on the only person you could so you could appear a certain way that you weren't really feeling. You didn't want to have to say anything about paying her half because you know it's tacky at the heart of it even though you still want her to pay her half. So you either address the situation directly and tell your potential dates that you aren't willing to pay for their meals, by asking them to go dutch, or you deal with the reality that when one person asks another out, in most cases, they are going to have a social expectation that they pay. Some women will be okay with it and some won't. But that's good because it will give you an early indicator of which women you are personally more compatible with.
sally4sara Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I mean if you've been laid off and the guy offered to pay I don't see anything wrong with this. I look at this from the perspective of a guy in his mid-20s. Except for very rare occasions everyone I know (male and female) has more or less the same level of income. So why is it that it's bad if a guy doesn't pay? I'm not saying the woman has to pay, I'm just wondering why it would be so unreasonable to expect both to pay for their own. Or, perhaps a novel solution could be for each to pay for each other's? I'm not sure how to answer the bolded questions. I didn't buy him dinner because he was laid off. I bought him dinner rather than going dutch because my invite was last minute. I didn't say it is bad if the guy doesn't pay. Clearly if I though that I wouldn't be with him now. I did most often go dutch so its not so novel an idea to me. I also have the perspective of having never had any success with women and dating. I mean zero. I've never even kissed a girl. And from what I've seen in real life, paying doesn't necessarily increase one's chances at success. So, for me, paying for a date would be the same as just wasting money. I might as well hand 10 bucks over without even bothering with the date. I'm not looking at it as a case of someone being sinister, I'm looking at risk vs reward. I don't know you well enough to know the reason for you dating experiences. I only know that the men I've been most interested in were able to put me at ease rather than under pressure to approve of them. Beyond that? Good conversationalists and guys who make me laugh win me over too. Also stay away from grandious compliments early on. When you don't know the person well yet, compliments seem false.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't know you well enough to know the reason for you dating experiences. I only know that the men I've been most interested in were able to put me at ease rather than under pressure to approve of them. Beyond that? Good conversationalists and guys who make me laugh win me over too. Also stay away from grandious compliments early on. When you don't know the person well yet, compliments seem false. Yeah I pretty much stay away from excessive compliments, and I've got a pretty wide range of interests and things that I'm knowledgeable of so I am a good conversationalist. I think I'm just bad at flirting and building chemistry. Some days I think I'm about to turn the corner and finally break through, others I think it's just hopeless/too much work. So, quite possibly my opinions on this issue are moot anyway since I'm pretty much out of the dating pool. Women don't really need to worry themselves with what I think.
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