KR10N Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I didn't say that everyone was attacking her. I said that people were arguing with her, saying that she is immature for considering kids to be a dealbreaker. And people WERE arguing with her and calling her immature for considering kids to be a dealbreaker. Not everyone. I didn't say everyone. Sure, kids aren't that bad. I like kids. At least... some of them. That doesn't mean that I want my own or that I want to date a guy who has one of his own. Because whether they are my biological kids or not, just by dating the guy they will have a huge effect on our relationship, on our time spent together, and on our future. I choose not to bring that into my life. The OP has evidently made the same choice. The main point, though, is that this guy lied for FOUR MONTHS about his child. He didn't even give the OP the chance to reject him based on HER dealbreaker because he actively lied about it when she did the right thing & asked him up front. This would be a huge problem no matter what the lie was, but the fact that he was lying about his KID makes it so, so, so much worse! It's just totally unforgivable, IMO.That makes sense.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 For what its worth... I'm 46 and have no children... Just never felt the need to have 'em come out of my body. I would have been open to adoption when I was younger (kinda like I believe all pets should be rescued... lots of kids need good homes). My fiancee who died had two children. We still keep in touch... All said and done though, I'd much prefer being with a man who had no children or kids are grown up. What happens is that the person without kids ends up being the one to make disproportionate compromises in time... living location... work choices... to accomodate someone else's kids... or closer to reality... to accomodate his ex's schedule. THAT is what I really detest... It is 1) kids 2) work 3) his ex's schedule 4) me... pretty crappy. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but I'd choose a man who ranked lower in other qualities over a man who had young children... Regarding the 'confession'... Like most things in life... it isn't the 'act' that causes the betrayal. It is the lying about it that causes hurt feelings. I agree with another poster... he probably lied so he could get past the 'finish' line once he'd reeled her in emotionally. Alot of people wait to divulge major life occurrences after some timeline... in hopes of achieving some grace. I get pissed when I guy waits two weeks to confess something major... 4 months?? He's a good liar. Even more scary.
make me believe Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I agree with another poster... he probably lied so he could get past the 'finish' line once he'd reeled her in emotionally. Alot of people wait to divulge major life occurrences after some timeline... in hopes of achieving some grace. I get pissed when I guy waits two weeks to confess something major... 4 months?? He's a good liar. Even more scary. Yes! Great points. His lie was so manipulative because he figured if he waited long enough she'd be so emotionally invested in him that she wouldn't dump him immediately (which is what she should do). And the fact that he could keep something so huge a secret for 4 months really is scary.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I very much identity with the OP. I wouldn't dump someone just because they had a kid or two though. The part I object to is being shown one thing and having another meaningful thing be true. It may not be a total deal-breaker but it's a trust-buster that raises a whole range of head-scratchers.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 What a total creep. It's fine to choose not to get involved with people who have kids. More power to you, if you know that's a dealbreaker for you. The guy, though ... it goes beyond lying to YOU. It's the denial of the existence of his own child. Sounds like another person who should not have procreated, but too late for that. Anyway, PLEASE don't continue with this guy. His dishonestly and selfishness will define your relationship with him.
Gypsie Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 UGH!! If he lied about even having a kid for so long, I wouldn't be surprised when he finally "confesses" to still living with baby momma. watch out! I won't get involved with guys with kids either. OMG. I do not blame you for being pissed off he kept that a secret for four months either! It just shows that he is insecure about it and god knows what else he is hiding. Just think that! It is just because I had bad experiences in the past with guys with kids. Hence he reason. Ha ha! My ex living with he's baby mumma and then leaving me to go back to her. One of them. At least it gave them a chance to try be a family again so just backed off. It still hurt though. Was opened minded about it in my early twenties but now, this. Also a deal breaker with me.
Mimolicious Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Okay so I'm going to vent a bit here. He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid, and regardless the circumstances, I am PISSED OFF because I broke it off with my ex for that particular reason. Kids are a DEALBREAKER. That is why I always refrained from dating men with them, but he never mentioned it earlier so it didn't cross my mind. I've been depressed the last two weeks, especially when he calls to cancel because he needs to see his kid. I know I should break it off, but I have strong feelings for him now UGH. I don't know how to handle this. We've been dating for not that long, 4 months, but long enough for some attachment to be going on. How do I proceed? And while i'm on a rant here, allow me to say that either I have to lower my standards or be single for the rest of my life. Anyone feel the same? UGH. I didn't know that people who are fortunate enought to experience the wonderful joy of parenthood are 3rd class citizens. :rolleyes: Tell this guy that because he has a child he is no longer hot tamele for you. You'll see how he will proceed. I highly doubt that you will have to be single for the rest of your life. There are billions of people on this planet that also refuse to have a relationship with single parents. Weed it out. Good luck!
Mimolicious Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Well you're allowed to pick whatever dealbreakers you want but FYI having kids is not so terrible. What makes him a bad match is that he's a liar. Bingo! If he lied about it... poor kid! The father denies a child, so he can get the cookie. Charming!
Mimolicious Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't get what the whole repelled by kids thing is unless you have no interest in children at all and don't even want one of your own. And truly, if you don't like kids then you are probably the worst choice for dating a single parent could make. Dumping him corrects this for you, him, and the kid who would have had to deal with you being bothered by their presence. I encourage you to follow through with ending things rather than, as he has been doing, pretending the kid doesn't exist. He is a big liar and that is never on anyone's list of desirable qualities. It also implies he wears fatherhood with embarrassment or shame. Super! Sounds like a great dad. But really, it wasn't like you would have appreciated a single parent being up front and honest about this. You say you really liked this guy and was moving toward exclusivity with him. This same guy you were enjoying quite a bit would only be an even better guy if he were an honest person. Yet you'd still have turned your nose up at him for having a child and being the sort to stick around in the kid's life. A single guy without a kid tells you nothing about how he views responsibility and familial connection. Sall- love your post. Also, if this guy was seriously digging this girl maybe he was afraid of telling her since she probably exudes not liking single parents. That could be looking at it from another angle. I mean, I don't ever justify someone hiding their children. That is pathetic! Not everyone reacts the same though... People hide their spouses all the time! Just saying...
Mimolicious Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 kr1on, i apologise. When i re-read your post a second time i am now wondering if you meant that other people were telling her that she should lower her standards and be single. Or am i really missing that post-lunch cup of coffee and have completely lost reading comprehension skills? But i still object to the op herself said that she either lowers her standards or stays single for the rest of her life!
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I'm with you on kids being deal-breakers and the fact that he lied to you from the get-go should be an additional HUGE red flag. No wonder you are pissed - I would be too. Being older, I will date men with children, but their children have to be out and on their own. Unfortunately, there are a lot of middle-aged men who had children late in life who are now divorced with kids and I absolutely will not get involved with them. Re-read your first post. He is NOT "perfect" if he lied to you. Perfect people don't need to lie and to have such a BIG lie means he is capable of more lies. I say dump his ass... He's 25!!!
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Cut the OP some slack - you don't know why she doesn't want to deal with children but stating she is immature is just rude. Thank you CarrieT. I do have reasons, quite similar to yours actually. So thank you for that
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Children can't be compromised on, so there's nothing wrong with considering it a dealbreaker. The four months of lying and omitting are simply the frosting on the cake. Why any parent would want to date someone who has clearly stated they are not interested in kids is beyond me. I'm also curious that after four months of dating , unless his kids live far away from him, or you haven't spent time at each other's homes or met his friends, was there any indication of his children in his life at all? No there wasn't. The child lives with the mother. I had already met family and friends, but in truth, other than the family, no one else knew he had a kid either.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I'm also curious that after four months of dating , unless his kids live far away from him, or you haven't spent time at each other's homes or met his friends, was there any indication of his children in his life at all? No there wasn't. The child lives with the mother. I had already met family and friends, but in truth, other than the family, no one else knew he had a kid either...
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 In all likelyhood this is presicely why he lied. He's not an idiot in that regard and he is not a loser for for being a single father! What he did was flat out wrong, and I can absolutely understand why the OP is pissed with him. I'd say the lie was hatched on past experiences where when the topic of him being a single dad comes up, the enthusiasm the woman has for him gets snuffed out. He was hoping that once you got to know what a great guy he was that the 'kids' would not seem such a negative, but the trouble is the initial subterfuge kind of cancels out that goodwill which is what the OP is wrestling with. You are absolutely right ascendotum. I asked why he had lied, and he said exactly that. He said he didn't want me to cut him off because he had a kid. He hoped that after getting to know him a bit that I would give him a chance and see that the kids existence isn't that bad. The truth of the matter is though, that it still is. As much as I really like him, the fact that he has a kid is still as bad as it would have been from the first date. The only difference is instead of walking away, now i'm just really hurting.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I know, huh? And - she broke it off with her ex BECAUSE of this guy. You don't break up with someone just because someone else comes along. You break up because someone isn't right for you. Then you might find someone else. Swinging from one man to another isn't healthy and is not conducive to building a healthy relationship. No, it's not a bad thing to want a guy who doesn't already have kids. But really - you shouldn't need to have a man in your life so badly that you keep one around until you find one better. donnamaybe you misinterpreted my post I broke up with my ex NOT because I found this new guy, but because my ex had a child and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with that. I met this new guy way after I left my ex.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 She broke up w/ the 1st guy to be w/ the guy she's talking about now (the one w/ the kid). No lol I broke up with my ex because he had a child, and I wasn't comfortable or happy with that. Later on after I started dating again, I met this new guy. As I asked upfront if he has kids, he said no. Later he confessed that yes, he has a child. That is why i'm upset.
OliveOyl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 He's 25!!! Knowing his age puts things in more perspective, as it's not as typical for a 25 yo to have a kid. (Not unusual either, just not as expected as would be for 35 or 45). I'm sorry he lied to you. That is really the big issue. Honesty has always been one of the most important qualities in all my relationships.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 No, your standards aren't too high. I wouldn't date a guy with a kid either. That should be reserved for me...meaning, he shouldn't have found the "right girl" to have kids with before meeting me. I don't even want a guy who isn't a virgin, but I know that IS ridiculously high standards. I'm also getting older, so the chances of me finding a guy without a kid are getting more and more slim... but seriously, kids are meant for you and one person only...if I met a guy with a kid, I'd wonder why he isn't still with his wife. I agree 100%.
O'Malley Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I asked why he had lied, and he said exactly that. He said he didn't want me to cut him off because he had a kid. He hoped that after getting to know him a bit that I would give him a chance and see that the kids existence isn't that bad. I'm not interested in dating anyone with kids either, but I think you've dodged a bullet with this guy for other reasons. I can't imagine any good person who is a regular part of their child's life not having photos or possessions of their child in their home, and not mentioning their child to friends at all. That just seems off to me. The four months of lying is an real indication of bigger issues here. At the least, he's proven himself to be adept at lying and compartmentalizing when he feels the need to and it's possible that he has no regular relationship with his child, which should make anyone leery of dating him.
KR10N Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 No lol I broke up with my ex because he had a child, and I wasn't comfortable or happy with that. Later on after I started dating again, I met this new guy. As I asked upfront if he has kids, he said no. Later he confessed that yes, he has a child. That is why i'm upset.Sorry, I thought you said that. Must have been another poster.
Memphis Raines Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 So you hate kids, but I don't see anything where you have broken it off with him? why? Just do him a favor and set him free. He needs to be with someone that will accept his kids, and his kids don't need to have their dad be with someone that is disgusted by their presence.
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