He was perfect until he confessed to having a KID. Great.

[dasein]

That big a lie for that long? Always a dealbreaker. No need for taking potshots at OP, it's a very reasonable preference to have.

[sally4sara]

Agreed, I'm in my late 30's and have accepted the fact that women 35+ will have been married at least once with kids.

 

But it would depend on the situation, like she has to have partial custody, not full custody....because time spent with me would be limited if she had full.

 

Depends on the age of the child, if the kid is not old enough to be left home alone.....then that could be an issue with me as well.

 

And , of course, the child's behavior.

 

You would see the attention she gives a child to be of the same kind of attention you want from her and think of a kid as competition? I never knew men so desired bedtime stories and pb&j sandwiches.

[Sanman]

In all likelyhood this is presicely why he lied. He's not an idiot in that regard and he is not a loser for for being a single father!

What he did was flat out wrong, and I can absolutely understand why the OP is pissed with him. I'd say the lie was hatched on past experiences where when the topic of him being a single dad comes up, the enthusiasm the woman has for him gets snuffed out. He was hoping that once you got to know what a great guy he was that the 'kids' would not seem such a negative, but the trouble is the initial subterfuge kind of cancels out that goodwill which is what the OP is wrestling with.

 

I would expect he would do better with single mothers not having such a dealbreaker regarding his status, but there is a chance he has single mothers on his deal breaker list and is targetting younger child free women, and thus precipating his need to lie.

 

Why would you have to lie about having a kid just to sleep with someone? That's even more f-uped.

...You answered your own question. They do it for the nookie. No cop is going to knock on your door with a warrant, and your face is not going to be on some 'hard copy' tv show as a result. In this case though I say the guy wants more than sex, and is hoping the 4 mth bonding time was going to get him over the line and into a relationship post 'I have kids' confession.

 

Very astute post... agreed.

[stillafool]

He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid, and regardless the circumstances, I am PISSED OFF because I broke it off with my ex for that particular reason.

 

Kids are a DEALBREAKER. That is why I always refrained from dating men with them, but he never mentioned it earlier so it didn't cross my mind.

 

If a guy having a kid is a DEALBREAKER for you, why wasn't that one of the first questions you asked this guy before you got involved? Especially since you broke up with your ex for that reason.

[Sanman]

You would see the attention she gives a child to be of the same kind of attention you want from her and think of a kid as competition? I never knew men so desired bedtime stories and pb&j sandwiches.

 

HEY, hey... I love bedtime stories and PB&J sandwiches. Don't judge!

[sally4sara]

HEY, hey... I love bedtime stories and PB&J sandwiches. Don't judge!

 

I do admit I like how my husband eases my fear of flying by reading me Parker or Hammer stories on the plane, and I would probably enjoy a little bath time attention as well - still not the same as the attention a parent gives a child.

[CarrieT]

If a guy having a kid is a DEALBREAKER for you, why wasn't that one of the first questions you asked this guy before you got involved? Especially since you broke up with your ex for that reason.

 

You missed it - she did ask and he lied about it.

[stillafool]

Oh! Well if that's the case drop his a$$ ASAP because who would hide their own kids but an *********. There's certainly no telling what else he lied about.

[make me believe]

I don't get why people are trying to argue with you and say that it's wrong or immature to consider kids a dealbreaker. Like someone else said, kids can't be compromised on. It's a totally valid dealbreaker! It definitely was for me when I was single. I would have never dated a guy who had a kid because I don't want kids ever.

 

Anyway, the fact that he blatantly lied to you about his child speaks VOLUMES about his character! I mean wow, what kind of a person does that?! What a huge loser!! I feel bad for his kid. And, really, if he lied about something as big as this, don't you wonder what else he has lied about? Additionally, what kind of sh*tty dad is he that there was never any sign of a child in his life while you guys hung out? No pictures? Toys? He never was busy without an explanation (spending time with his kid & keeping it from you)? Yeah.... he is so far from "perfect" it's not even funny. You seriously need to dump this loser.

[KR10N]

I don't get why people are trying to argue with you and say that it's wrong or immature to consider kids a dealbreaker.

I don't think everyone is attacking her. But for OP to say that someone is 'PERFECT' is just silly. And apparently, to lower her standards & be single for a lifetime. Not a very rational outlook. Kids aren't that bad, no need to mad cow about it.

 

I would have never dated a guy who had a kid because I don't want kids ever.

If you're just dating someone then their kid is not yours. They're not your responsibility either. So there's no obligation to take care of them. Edited August 24, 2011 by KR10N

[sm1tten]

And apparently, to lower her standards & be single for a lifetime. Not a very rational outlook. Kids aren't that bad, no need to mad cow about it.

 

She need not be single for a lifetime. There are men out there who don't have or want children, thankfully. I think it's rather effed up to suggest that someone date a person who has kids just because kids aren't "that bad" (to you), and that people who don't have or want children are somehow not as good as people who do.

 

And while you are correct that dating someone with kids doesn't make the kid yours, or your responsibility, it's still going to impact your life in some way. So if you don't want to deal with that, then why should you?

 

To me, it would be lowering my standards to settle for a situation that I don't want.

[KR10N]

She need not be single for a lifetime.

Of course not. One man w/ a kid doesn't equal alone & unhappy forever. There's plenty 'o fish in the sea.

I think it's rather effed up to suggest that someone date a person who has kids just because kids aren't "that bad" (to you)

Never told HER or anyone else to do that.

and that people who don't have or want children are somehow not as good as people who do.

I never said that either. I don't want kids. I'm really stunned at how you've misinterpreted my post.

So if you don't want to deal with that, then why should you?

I never said she had to. Edited August 24, 2011 by KR10N

[donnamaybe]

He has to confess that he has a kid ?

Confess.. like he did something wrong.. hahaha

I know, huh? And - she broke it off with her ex BECAUSE of this guy. You don't break up with someone just because someone else comes along. You break up because someone isn't right for you. Then you might find someone else.

 

Swinging from one man to another isn't healthy and is not conducive to building a healthy relationship.

 

No, it's not a bad thing to want a guy who doesn't already have kids. But really - you shouldn't need to have a man in your life so badly that you keep one around until you find one better.

[sm1tten]

When you said:

lower her standards & be single for a lifetime

what did you mean, then? Because if I misinterpreted, I apologise. I really read that the way that I responded, though.

 

I never said she had to.

Wasn't implying you were. More to the point that just because you are ONLY dating doesn't mean that having a child should be any more or any less of a deal-breaker if you don't want children - because even if the child isn't around you, it's going to be part of your life as long as you are part of the parent's life.

[donnamaybe]

Oops. I might have read your first post wrong. You broke up with your ex because he had kids? Sorry if I misread that where I was thinking you broke up with him because of this guy.

[sm1tten]

KR1ON, I apologise. When I re-read your post a second time I am now wondering if you meant that other people were telling her that she should lower her standards and be single.

 

Or am I really missing that post-lunch cup of coffee and have completely lost reading comprehension skills?

 

But I still object to

Kids aren't that bad, no need to mad cow about it.

[CarrieT]

Not a very rational outlook. Kids aren't that bad

 

You are absolutely right.

 

Kids are quite wonderful, actually. Especially in a light bueurre blanc sauce with garlic mashed potatoes or roasted on an open spit with a hearty Burgundy.

 

I love me some children!

 

:p:p

[KR10N]

When you said:

 

what did you mean, then? Because if I misinterpreted, I apologise. I really read that the way that I responded, though.

 

 

Wasn't implying you were. More to the point that just because you are ONLY dating doesn't mean that having a child should be any more or any less of a deal-breaker if you don't want children - because even if the child isn't around you, it's going to be part of your life as long as you are part of the parent's life.

She said she would either have to lower her standards or be single forever... so dramatic.

 

Oops. I might have read your first post wrong. You broke up with your ex because he had kids? Sorry if I misread that where I was thinking you broke up with him because of this guy.

Nah, you read it right. She broke up w/ her ex to be w/ this guy. Now she's tripping out because he has a kid.

 

KR1ON, I apologise. When I re-read your post a second time I am now wondering if you meant that other people were telling her that she should lower her standards and be single.

 

Or am I really missing that post-lunch cup of coffee and have completely lost reading comprehension skills?

 

But I still object to

Kids aren't that bad, no need to mad cow about it.

No need to apologize, just a little misunderstanding. That's what she said. lol. I'm not quoting Michael Scott either. She actually said that.

And while i'm on a rant here, allow me to say that either I have to lower my standards or be single for the rest of my life. Anyone feel the same? UGH.

 

That was a response to make me believe, as it seemed that her post implied that everyone was attacking the OP

[KR10N]

You are absolutely right.

 

Kids are quite wonderful, actually. Especially in a light bueurre blanc sauce with garlic mashed potatoes or roasted on an open spit with a hearty Burgundy.

 

I love me some children!

 

:p:p

Hannibal Lecter?!

[Memphis Raines]

Okay so I'm going to vent a bit here.

 

He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid, and regardless the circumstances, I am PISSED OFF because I broke it off with my ex for that particular reason.

 

Kids are a DEALBREAKER.

 

well in looking for a potential mate, you'd think he would have brought it up right away so that he can weed out the kid haters.

[sm1tten]

I must have skimmed more than I thought before I opened my mouth and inserted my foot.

 

I'm also going to go back a bit and go, wait a minute. Did she break it off because her ex had a child, or because he lied about having a child? Why does this keep happening to you?

[KR10N]

I must have skimmed more than I thought before I opened my mouth and inserted my foot.

 

I'm also going to go back a bit and go, wait a minute. Did she break it off because her ex had a child, or because he lied about having a child? Why does this keep happening to you?

She broke up w/ the 1st guy to be w/ the guy she's talking about now (the one w/ the kid).

[soserious1]

I lied. I asked on our first date. He got the impression that it was a dealbreaker so he lied and said no he didn't. After these 4 months he confessed because we seemed to be progressing from the "casual" to "exclusive" stage.

 

It drove me up the wall how pissed I was. Now it's less anger and more hurt and disappointment. I really like this guy

 

He denied that his own flesh and blood even exists? You know what you need to do here..

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I think you are out of line here.

 

There are a lot of us in life who don't like children or, for whatever reason, have never wanted children in our lives. It is not immature to acknowledge that and maintain a childless course in life.

 

For me, I was sexually abused as a child and lived with an alcoholic mother who would do nothing about my abuse except lament how I was ruining HER life with my troubles. For that reason alone, I chose to never have children and knowing that alcoholism is hereditary, did not want t place myself in a position of having any influence over a child. Hence, I chose to never date someone who had children.

 

For me, children were dealbreakers in dating and I have been fortunate to have been able to end relationships early enough when I found out there were children. Is that immature? I think - in some way - I am doing the father and the children a favor by not being in their lives and vice-versa.

 

Cut the OP some slack - you don't know why she doesn't want to deal with children but stating she is immature is just rude.

 

I never said it was immature to not want children in your life. And it isn't for this reason that I find the OP a bit on the more immature side. Thanks.

[make me believe]

I don't think everyone is attacking her. But for OP to say that someone is 'PERFECT' is just silly. And apparently, to lower her standards & be single for a lifetime. Not a very rational outlook. Kids aren't that bad, no need to mad cow about it.

 

If you're just dating someone then their kid is not yours. They're not your responsibility either. So there's no obligation to take care of them.

 

I didn't say that everyone was attacking her. I said that people were arguing with her, saying that she is immature for considering kids to be a dealbreaker. And people WERE arguing with her and calling her immature for considering kids to be a dealbreaker. Not everyone. I didn't say everyone.

 

Sure, kids aren't that bad. I like kids. At least... some of them. That doesn't mean that I want my own or that I want to date a guy who has one of his own. Because whether they are my biological kids or not, just by dating the guy they will have a huge effect on our relationship, on our time spent together, and on our future. I choose not to bring that into my life. The OP has evidently made the same choice.

 

The main point, though, is that this guy lied for FOUR MONTHS about his child. He didn't even give the OP the chance to reject him based on HER dealbreaker because he actively lied about it when she did the right thing & asked him up front. This would be a huge problem no matter what the lie was, but the fact that he was lying about his KID makes it so, so, so much worse! It's just totally unforgivable, IMO.