He was perfect until he confessed to having a KID. Great.

[FrustratedStandards]

Okay so I'm going to vent a bit here.

 

He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid, and regardless the circumstances, I am PISSED OFF because I broke it off with my ex for that particular reason.

 

Kids are a DEALBREAKER. That is why I always refrained from dating men with them, but he never mentioned it earlier so it didn't cross my mind. I've been depressed the last two weeks, especially when he calls to cancel because he needs to see his kid.

 

I know I should break it off, but I have strong feelings for him now UGH. I don't know how to handle this. We've been dating for not that long, 4 months, but long enough for some attachment to be going on.

 

How do I proceed?

 

And while i'm on a rant here, allow me to say that either I have to lower my standards or be single for the rest of my life. Anyone feel the same? UGH.

[sm1tten]

It seems like if it was a dealbreaker that you would have asked. That's kind of weird that you dated for four months without knowing that - I mean it's weird that he never brought it up, too. But if it's really a dealbreaker then you have to break it off and there's no reason to be dishonest about it. I will not date men with children either.

[FrustratedStandards]

I lied. I asked on our first date. He got the impression that it was a dealbreaker so he lied and said no he didn't. After these 4 months he confessed because we seemed to be progressing from the "casual" to "exclusive" stage.

 

It drove me up the wall how pissed I was. Now it's less anger and more hurt and disappointment. I really like this guy

[CarrieT]

I'm with you on kids being deal-breakers and the fact that he lied to you from the get-go should be an additional HUGE red flag.

 

No wonder you are pissed - I would be too.

 

Being older, I will date men with children, but their children have to be out and on their own. Unfortunately, there are a lot of middle-aged men who had children late in life who are now divorced with kids and I absolutely will not get involved with them.

 

Re-read your first post. He is NOT "perfect" if he lied to you. Perfect people don't need to lie and to have such a BIG lie means he is capable of more lies.

 

I say dump his ass...

[Mutant Debutante]

Well you're allowed to pick whatever dealbreakers you want but FYI having kids is not so terrible. What makes him a bad match is that he's a liar.

[sm1tten]

That is pretty effed up that he basically pretended to not have a child just so he could date someone. I could see just to have sex or something... but not building a relationship.

 

FYI having kids is not so terrible

It is if you don't want or enjoy children. Although you're right. Some people could get past that if not for the lies. [i couldn't, either way.]

[bikinibeach]

i'd be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed!

 

loser.dump him.

[ChessPieceFace]

Okay so I'm going to vent a bit here.

 

He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid

 

...

 

We've been dating for not that long, 4 months

 

So he lied to you / kept secrets from you for 4 months right off the bat. Great start to a relationship. Seriously?? 4 months in and "well, yeah I have kids." That's just demented. I could see waiting until like the 3rd date to tell someone you had kids, but 4 months?? I don't suppose you somehow only had 3 dates in this 4 months? If not, I'd just break it off and look elsewhere. And do this poor idiot the courtesy of letting him know how psycho it was to keep this from you for so long.

[grkBoy]

I agree holding it for four months is a stupid thing to do. I know we men would be pissed if a girl did that to us.

 

Unfortunately though, if you're aged 30+, it's hard to find people who don't have a kid already.

 

If you're on a dating site, maybe put it in there that you don't want any single dads. Yes it might sound harsh, but it's being honest if single dads have no shot with you.

 

Just bear in mind this might limit the pool of "worthy" men.

[Art_Critic]

He has to confess that he has a kid ?

Confess.. like he did something wrong.. hahaha

[Art_Critic]

I lied. I asked on our first date. He got the impression that it was a dealbreaker so he lied and said no he didn't.

 

Okay.. I just read this post..

 

Damn..but he still didn't confess.. He finally told you the truth about him having a kid..

 

For what it's worth at least the lying deal breaker is bigger than the kid deal breaker..

 

Power Dump

[sally4sara]

I don't get what the whole repelled by kids thing is unless you have no interest in children at all and don't even want one of your own. And truly, if you don't like kids then you are probably the worst choice for dating a single parent could make. Dumping him corrects this for you, him, and the kid who would have had to deal with you being bothered by their presence. I encourage you to follow through with ending things rather than, as he has been doing, pretending the kid doesn't exist.

 

He is a big liar and that is never on anyone's list of desirable qualities. It also implies he wears fatherhood with embarrassment or shame. Super! Sounds like a great dad.

 

But really, it wasn't like you would have appreciated a single parent being up front and honest about this. You say you really liked this guy and was moving toward exclusivity with him. This same guy you were enjoying quite a bit would only be an even better guy if he were an honest person. Yet you'd still have turned your nose up at him for having a child and being the sort to stick around in the kid's life. A single guy without a kid tells you nothing about how he views responsibility and familial connection.

[KR10N]

He has to confess that he has a kid ?

Confess.. like he did something wrong.. hahaha

lmao. I know, right? Never knew kids were so frowned upon. This sounds a bit silly. This guy should be a dealbreaker for lying, not for having a kid.

[TigerCub]

UGH!!

 

If he lied about even having a kid for so long, I wouldn't be surprised when he finally "confesses" to still living with baby momma.

 

watch out!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

That is pretty effed up that he basically pretended to not have a child just so he could date someone. I could see just to have sex or something... but not building a relationship.

 

 

Why would you have to lie about having a kid just to sleep with someone? That's even more f-uped.

 

I'm more disturbed that he denied his child's exsistance infavor of some Pootang. Whether it was for sex or a relationship doesn't matter.

 

OP, I don't making kids a dealbreaker is a bad thing. But I think you sound immature yourself anyway.

[rafallus]

lmao. I know, right? Never knew kids were so frowned upon. This sounds a bit silly. This guy should be a dealbreaker for lying, not for having a kid.

Not everyone is at the stage of life to want kids. It may, or may not change, but it is a valid dealbreaker (much in the same manner, as if one person parties hard and other does not want to) - especially considering that you get a package deal, and you will never be as much of a priority as the kid. Edited August 24, 2011 by rafallus

[CarrieT]

OP, I don't making kids a dealbreaker is a bad thing. But I think you sound immature yourself anyway.

 

I think you are out of line here.

 

There are a lot of us in life who don't like children or, for whatever reason, have never wanted children in our lives. It is not immature to acknowledge that and maintain a childless course in life.

 

For me, I was sexually abused as a child and lived with an alcoholic mother who would do nothing about my abuse except lament how I was ruining HER life with my troubles. For that reason alone, I chose to never have children and knowing that alcoholism is hereditary, did not want t place myself in a position of having any influence over a child. Hence, I chose to never date someone who had children.

 

For me, children were dealbreakers in dating and I have been fortunate to have been able to end relationships early enough when I found out there were children. Is that immature? I think - in some way - I am doing the father and the children a favor by not being in their lives and vice-versa.

 

Cut the OP some slack - you don't know why she doesn't want to deal with children but stating she is immature is just rude.

[O'Malley]

Children can't be compromised on, so there's nothing wrong with considering it a dealbreaker. The four months of lying and omitting are simply the frosting on the cake. Why any parent would want to date someone who has clearly stated they are not interested in kids is beyond me.

 

I'm also curious that after four months of dating , unless his kids live far away from him, or you haven't spent time at each other's homes or met his friends, was there any indication of his children in his life at all?

[KR10N]

Not everyone is at the stage of life to want kids. It may, or may not change, but it is a valid dealbreaker (much in the same manner, as if one person parties hard and other does not want to) - especially considering that you get a package deal, and you will never be as much of a priority as the kid.

Well, I'm not particularly fond of kids but I'm not afraid of them either. Idk if I want kids myself, so if my SO had a kid or two that would certainly take the pressure off of me to give him one or two more. If someone didn't want kids, dating someone w/ kids would be the perfect opportunity to never have any. Edited August 24, 2011 by KR10N

[ascendotum]

But really, it wasn't like you would have appreciated a single parent being up front and honest about this. You say you really liked this guy and was moving toward exclusivity with him. This same guy you were enjoying quite a bit would only be an even better guy if he were an honest person. Yet you'd still have turned your nose up at him for having a child and being the sort to stick around in the kid's life.

 

In all likelyhood this is presicely why he lied. He's not an idiot in that regard and he is not a loser for for being a single father!

What he did was flat out wrong, and I can absolutely understand why the OP is pissed with him. I'd say the lie was hatched on past experiences where when the topic of him being a single dad comes up, the enthusiasm the woman has for him gets snuffed out. He was hoping that once you got to know what a great guy he was that the 'kids' would not seem such a negative, but the trouble is the initial subterfuge kind of cancels out that goodwill which is what the OP is wrestling with.

 

I would expect he would do better with single mothers not having such a dealbreaker regarding his status, but there is a chance he has single mothers on his deal breaker list and is targetting younger child free women, and thus precipating his need to lie.

 

Why would you have to lie about having a kid just to sleep with someone? That's even more f-uped.

...You answered your own question. They do it for the nookie. No cop is going to knock on your door with a warrant, and your face is not going to be on some 'hard copy' tv show as a result. In this case though I say the guy wants more than sex, and is hoping the 4 mth bonding time was going to get him over the line and into a relationship post 'I have kids' confession.

[BetheButterfly]

Okay so I'm going to vent a bit here.

 

He is PERFECT. Two weeks ago he confessed that he has a kid, and regardless the circumstances, I am PISSED OFF because I broke it off with my ex for that particular reason.

 

Kids are a DEALBREAKER. That is why I always refrained from dating men with them, but he never mentioned it earlier so it didn't cross my mind. I've been depressed the last two weeks, especially when he calls to cancel because he needs to see his kid.

 

I know I should break it off, but I have strong feelings for him now UGH. I don't know how to handle this. We've been dating for not that long, 4 months, but long enough for some attachment to be going on.

 

How do I proceed?

 

And while i'm on a rant here, allow me to say that either I have to lower my standards or be single for the rest of my life. Anyone feel the same? UGH.

 

Nobody is perfect.

 

I would be more upset that he lied to you than that he has a kid. Kids aren't diseases. You were a kid once.

 

Why are kids a dealbreaker? My fiance has a kid, and actually that's a norm for men around 34 years old... unless they are sterile... even men who use condoms can get a woman pregnant... condoms break.

 

Consider kids to be a good sign of fertility lol.

 

Kids are human beings just like the rest of us. Why they are a dealbreaker, I honestly don't understand. Lying about them though is really not cool. Poor kid, having a liar for a father. No, the dude isn't perfect at all.

[BetheButterfly]

The four months of lying and omitting are simply the frosting on the cake. Why any parent would want to date someone who has clearly stated they are not interested in kids is beyond me.

 

I'm also curious that after four months of dating , unless his kids live far away from him, or you haven't spent time at each other's homes or met his friends, was there any indication of his children in his life at all?

 

 

Yeah the above is very worrisome. What kind of a father is he?

[zengirl]

Well you're allowed to pick whatever dealbreakers you want but FYI having kids is not so terrible. What makes him a bad match is that he's a liar.

 

The lying is the worst. And for four months? And about KIDS? I feel bad for his poor kids, man. What a crappy Dad attitude. I have some single friends who have kids, and they'd never think to lie about it---they love their kids too much to pretend they don't exist. That's just crap.

 

Personally, I don't think I'd date a man with kids at the moment (more a life stage thing than a "don't like kids" or "ugh, other people's kids" thing; I mean, I work with kids and adore them and want kids of my own someday, maybe, but do not want them now; if I'm still single in my 30s, I'm sure this mindset will change because once I'm ready for kids, stepkids are fine too (hey, if they're a good age and I get to be involved, like my Stepdad was, then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to have a kid of my own and I'd still get to parent some, and that'd be potentially awesome if it happened); I just don't want kids at the moment---my own or someone else's). And I totally understand someone not liking kids at all. So, I think it's a reasonable dealbreaker depending on where you are with/what you want from your life.

[climbergirl]

Yeah the above is very worrisome. What kind of a father is he?

 

 

THAT tells me that this guy is in no way 'perfect' and is, quite honestly, a loser. I am proud to say that I have 4 children and if tellling anyone that somehow blew my 'chances' with anyone I'd say it's an excellent weeding out process. One who would deny having a child shows very little character.

 

BTW-I don't think there is anything wrong with kids being a dealbreaker for you. But this guy has given you many dealbreakers, besides having a kid. Dump him.

[irc333]

Agreed, I'm in my late 30's and have accepted the fact that women 35+ will have been married at least once with kids.

 

But it would depend on the situation, like she has to have partial custody, not full custody....because time spent with me would be limited if she had full.

 

Depends on the age of the child, if the kid is not old enough to be left home alone.....then that could be an issue with me as well.

 

And , of course, the child's behavior.

 

 

I agree holding it for four months is a stupid thing to do. I know we men would be pissed if a girl did that to us.

 

Unfortunately though, if you're aged 30+, it's hard to find people who don't have a kid already.

 

If you're on a dating site, maybe put it in there that you don't want any single dads. Yes it might sound harsh, but it's being honest if single dads have no shot with you.

 

Just bear in mind this might limit the pool of "worthy" men.