Karma

[bentnotbroken]

In a world of robots, yes indeed. Meanwhile, back on earth...

 

 

Meep, Meep...My name is bentnotbroken and I bring you greetings from the planet Earth....Meep...meep.

[seren]

In a world of robots, yes indeed. Meanwhile, back on earth...

 

Ah but SG, robots are mechanical and therefore don't have feelings and while I can understand people meeting and falling for each other, those that are already in a relationship where one believes it is monogamous and the other does nothing to dissuade that belief, the resulting pain and hurt would produce pretty bad Karma for the one doing the betraying.

 

It really is far less complicated to be honest and leave a broken marriage than to gaslight and lie. I have left two husband's, gone it alone with a small child, was homeless etc etc and it was really far easier than staying where there was no love. To stay would have robbed my XH's and I of the chance of happiness and seen my son grow up in a family where there was discord. if it is broken, fix it, if it cannot be fixed, leave.

 

I like Karma, not for the payback reason, but it should encourage people to do the right thing, not only for themselves, but for others too. I actually think payback brings bad karma onto the person as it is based on ill feeling.

Apologies to Buddhist's if my view conflicts, I will use my old mantra of In all things never intentionally do harm or cause hurt.

[Silly_Girl]

Really? Why do you think a statement that cheating is a poor way of coping doesn't apply to the real world? Do you think cheating is a good way to cope? How would having to lie to and deceive, often on a daily basis, one's family be a good way to cope?

 

I didn't say it was a good way to cope.

 

Some scenarios I've read about here and people I know/have known IRL make me think that the 'simple rules' that get touted here are - in some cases - unrealistic. There is often huge complexity and history around people's actions and often those who cheat have proven themselves to have fantastic coping skills in other areas, people who you really would admire in another arena. I just don't think infidelity can be wrapped up neatly in a huge great big bundle with 3 words on the tag: 'poor coping skills'. That's all.

[Gentlegirl]

I think that the karma for the unfaithful spouse is that they never tell and they have to live with lying for the rest of the marriage....even in someone that has no heart at all would get tired of having to guard everything they say in order to preserve that lie, plus all the other lies that have to be told to cover the first lie.

 

Liars have it hard!!! LOL

And it is their own fault.

 

I don't think that seasoned liars and cheats give a rat's ass about living with it.... they are used to covering their tracks. It's second nature.

 

Gentlegirl

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think that seasoned liars and cheats give a rat's ass about living with it.... they are used to covering their tracks. It's second nature.

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

Bingo. And anyone in a LTA or a series of affairs is a seasoned liar. There are a few over in infidelity right now.

[jthorne]

I didn't say it was a good way to cope.

 

Some scenarios I've read about here and people I know/have known IRL make me think that the 'simple rules' that get touted here are - in some cases - unrealistic. There is often huge complexity and history around people's actions and often those who cheat have proven themselves to have fantastic coping skills in other areas, people who you really would admire in another arena. I just don't think infidelity can be wrapped up neatly in a huge great big bundle with 3 words on the tag: 'poor coping skills'. That's all.

There's nothing complex about cheating.

[Silly_Girl]

There's nothing complex about cheating.

 

And that's fine for you. I wouldn't expect any other response.

[LilyBart]

I hope this doesn't sound vindictive to ask....I'm truly just curious. Has anyone ever seen an affair that wasn't disclosed, either by the OP or the MP, eventually catch up to the MP? For instance, if the affair ends, does it ever happen that the BS eventually discovers it anyway? Even years later? Or has anyone ever seen the marriage the MP has dissolve on its own accord?

 

I just wonder sometimes, if there really is something to the idea of karma, especially in these situations, where the MP is so deliberately untruthful....if they ever have to deal with it in any real way, rather than just to keep it a secret.

 

Lynne76 - don't know your backstory but I read this whole thread so I have an idea. Look, if your MM was okay-but-not-happy BEFORE, believe you me, he's going to be fairly miserable once that baby comes along.

 

Actually, I'm willing to bet he was probably in an okay-but-leaning-towards-NOT-happy M before the A. BECAUSE HAPPY MEN DO NOT CHEAT. Okay?

 

So don't think that his life is all bliss NOW that he's "gone back to W and baby will make three". And despite what some posters insinuate, don't think that the baby was "planned". Sure they had sex but guess what? Oops babies happen.

 

Plus, I know women who were afraid their H was going to leave so they purposely got pregnant. Keeps the man stuck, ya know? I mean, god forbid - how would it look if he left while she was pregnant? Or with a newborn? So these women buy themselves a couple of years.

 

Don't worry about the karma thing. Whether karma exists or doesn't, whether there will be retribution in this lifetime or the next - doesn't matter. If the M was meh before (and we already know it was, cuz he needed you), it's NOT going to get better just because he "choose" to stay and certainly not when you throw in a screaming bundle o' joy into the mix.

 

So think about it - not-exactly-happy and now stuck. It's not karma - but how does that sound to you?

[woinlove]

Lynne76 - don't know your backstory but I read this whole thread so I have an idea. Look, if your MM was okay-but-not-happy BEFORE, believe you me, he's going to be fairly miserable once that baby comes along.

 

Actually, I'm willing to bet he was probably in an okay-but-leaning-towards-NOT-happy M before the A. BECAUSE HAPPY MEN DO NOT CHEAT. Okay?

 

So don't think that his life is all bliss NOW that he's "gone back to W and baby will make three". And despite what some posters insinuate, don't think that the baby was "planned". Sure they had sex but guess what? Oops babies happen.

 

Plus, I know women who were afraid their H was going to leave so they purposely got pregnant. Keeps the man stuck, ya know? I mean, god forbid - how would it look if he left while she was pregnant? Or with a newborn? So these women buy themselves a couple of years.

 

Don't worry about the karma thing. Whether karma exists or doesn't, whether there will be retribution in this lifetime or the next - doesn't matter. If the M was meh before (and we already know it was, cuz he needed you), it's NOT going to get better just because he "choose" to stay and certainly not when you throw in a screaming bundle o' joy into the mix.

 

So think about it - not-exactly-happy and now stuck. It's not karma - but how does that sound to you?

 

Do you have children? Because most parents react very differently to their children than you suggest. Of course, if a parent is broken, selfish and can't love themselves or others, it likely would be as you suggest.

[bentnotbroken]

Do you have children? Because most parents react very differently to their children than you suggest. Of course, if a parent is broken, selfish and can't love themselves or others, it likely would be as you suggest.

 

 

Exactly. Some times people seem to be a deep as a puddle.

[PhoenixRise]

Lynne76 - don't know your backstory but I read this whole thread so I have an idea. Look, if your MM was okay-but-not-happy BEFORE, believe you me, he's going to be fairly miserable once that baby comes along.

 

Actually, I'm willing to bet he was probably in an okay-but-leaning-towards-NOT-happy M before the A. BECAUSE HAPPY MEN DO NOT CHEAT. Okay?

 

So don't think that his life is all bliss NOW that he's "gone back to W and baby will make three". And despite what some posters insinuate, don't think that the baby was "planned". Sure they had sex but guess what? Oops babies happen.

 

Plus, I know women who were afraid their H was going to leave so they purposely got pregnant. Keeps the man stuck, ya know? I mean, god forbid - how would it look if he left while she was pregnant? Or with a newborn? So these women buy themselves a couple of years.

 

Don't worry about the karma thing. Whether karma exists or doesn't, whether there will be retribution in this lifetime or the next - doesn't matter. If the M was meh before (and we already know it was, cuz he needed you), it's NOT going to get better just because he "choose" to stay and certainly not when you throw in a screaming bundle o' joy into the mix.

 

So think about it - not-exactly-happy and now stuck. It's not karma - but how does that sound to you?

 

 

HMMMM

 

Well if I remember the OP's backstory correctly, the "stressor" in the marriage was infertility. So no OOOPs, calculated, hang on to your man, trap him for a few more years baby. Just a wife/couple who has been actively trying to get pregnant for years. A baby, according to the OP that is/has been very much wanted by MM. So it seems to me that WH and BS would be blissful, over the moon about this baby. Some people see "screaming bundles o joy" as blessings and wonderful additions to their lives. Some people go to a lot of pain, heartbreak and expense all in the hope of getting a "screaming bundle o joy". Apparently MM and his wife did just this.

 

Regarding Karma, I believe that you reap what you sow. Maybe not in the same form it was dished out, but you always reap.

[bentnotbroken]

HMMMM

 

Well if I remember the OP's backstory correctly, the "stressor" in the marriage was infertility. So no OOOPs, calculated, hang on to your man, trap him for a few more years baby. Just a wife/couple who has been actively trying to get pregnant for years. A baby, according to the OP that is/has been very much wanted by MM. So it seems to me that WH and BS would be blissful, over the moon about this baby. Some people see "screaming bundles o joy" as blessings and wonderful additions to their lives. Some people go to a lot of pain, heartbreak and expense all in the hope of getting a "screaming bundle o joy". Apparently MM and his wife did just this.

 

Regarding Karma, I believe that you reap what you sow. Maybe not in the same form it was dished out, but you always reap.

 

 

And some reap 10x's what they sowed. Interest for some is a biotch.

[MissBee]

I hope this doesn't sound vindictive to ask....I'm truly just curious. Has anyone ever seen an affair that wasn't disclosed, either by the OP or the MP, eventually catch up to the MP? For instance, if the affair ends, does it ever happen that the BS eventually discovers it anyway? Even years later? Or has anyone ever seen the marriage the MP has dissolve on its own accord?

 

I just wonder sometimes, if there really is something to the idea of karma, especially in these situations, where the MP is so deliberately untruthful....if they ever have to deal with it in any real way, rather than just to keep it a secret.

 

I believe in the concept of karma, in that all actions, good, bad or indifferent have consequences and you do get what you put out there and it's not necessarily something like, for example: you cheating and on your way from your lover's house, a bus hitting you as you cross the street is you getting your "just reward". It may be, but I think it is deeper than that and about the idea of cause and effect and I could go into a whole theological discussion on my beliefs about that...

 

Anyway, to answer the question: I don't believe that because the A was not found out by the BS, that there were no consequences or that this person didn't have to deal with it. In my situation, I was not part of a dday. The A did not end (to my knowledge) because of a dday.....but this is only to MY knowledge. He could have very well been found out so began distancing himself, after we stopped communicated she could have found out, she could have been suspicious and he never told me, some personal dday could have occurred between them that I wasn't part of as he and I no longer spoke and she may have felt no need to call me up so I would never know. On my end I could say, he got away with it, she never knew, they're no longer together and that's that, but that is only my limited perspective and I also believe that disclosure is not the only consequence.

 

I therefore don't worry about retribution much as it takes many shapes and forms and it's not really always a case of punishment but certain things set certain other things in motion and where they lead....who knows, but I believe no one is exempt from universal law and all good/bad/ugly/indifferent actions/behavior do produce results and consequences whether immediate, delayed, collateral, residual, etc.

[LilyBart]

HMMMM

 

Well if I remember the OP's backstory correctly, the "stressor" in the marriage was infertility. So no OOOPs, calculated, hang on to your man, trap him for a few more years baby. Just a wife/couple who has been actively trying to get pregnant for years. A baby, according to the OP that is/has been very much wanted by MM. So it seems to me that WH and BS would be blissful, over the moon about this baby. Some people see "screaming bundles o joy" as blessings and wonderful additions to their lives. Some people go to a lot of pain, heartbreak and expense all in the hope of getting a "screaming bundle o joy". Apparently MM and his wife did just this.

 

Regarding Karma, I believe that you reap what you sow. Maybe not in the same form it was dished out, but you always reap.

 

HMMMM sorry - like I said upfront, I didn't know the full backstory for Lynne. I was extrapolating from RL stories of people I actually know.

 

Still, true, MM might want the BABY and considering he has so much invested in creating one with W - he obviously wants to see a ROI. But we'll see. *shrug* People have NO CLUE what they're in for, even those who think they've got everything covered.

 

If he's cheating on W over the "stress" of trying for a baby - BELIEVE YOU ME he's going to be going to be stressing A LOT once that baby gets here!

 

You think it's tough when you don't get a lot of sleep NOW? Try that once a baby's in the mix. Need some peace and quiet? Not gonna happen with a crying infant. Remember those days when you would wake up on the weekends without an alarm clock? Take spontaneous trips? Have loud sex without locked doors? :lmao:

 

Like I said, it's not karma or anything.....but Lynne-baby, trust me on this one. You don't have anything to worry about.

[Severely Unamused]

I don't believe in karma in the spiritual sense (the kind that you are suggesting anyway). But I do believe in karma in a logistical sense: You commit an action, instigating a series of possible consequences and outcomes. What happens after various potential variables are introduced, is largely influenced by probability theory. So there is a level of randomness as to whether or not you end up facing negative repercussions. I suppose that isn't really karma though. C&E maybe.

 

Anyway, people that keep their noses clean, get covered in sh*t for no real rational reason all the time. And people get away with sh*tting on others all the time. That's life. I've done "bad things" decades ago, and gotten away with it with no/minimal repercussions.

 

You want to see a more reliable form of karma? Get revenge. Otherwise, why worry about it?

 

Has anyone ever seen an affair that wasn't disclosed, either by the OP or the MP, eventually catch up to the MP?

I think that I will be the only poster here to actually answer this.

 

A friend of my sister found out about her husband's affair years after it had happened, through a mutual friend (all that planning so that he wouldn't get caught, and it was just one little kiss in the car for everything to collapse). We live in a relatively conservative area, so the divorce ended up slanted heavily against him. Karma.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[MissBee]

I didn't say it was a good way to cope.

 

Some scenarios I've read about here and people I know/have known IRL make me think that the 'simple rules' that get touted here are - in some cases - unrealistic. There is often huge complexity and history around people's actions and often those who cheat have proven themselves to have fantastic coping skills in other areas, people who you really would admire in another arena. I just don't think infidelity can be wrapped up neatly in a huge great big bundle with 3 words on the tag: 'poor coping skills'. That's all.

 

I think that is the operative point, IMO anyway, and a very good point to bring to the fore. I do not think cheating is the sum total of a person; but every choice and action one makes says something about one. It doesn't have to be a judgmental thing, but as simple as, people who often choose X seem to do so for reasons that generally point back to Y.

 

I believe that it is possible to be great at a myriad of things and not so great at others...we all exhibit this. I am rubbish at math, but nonetheless I attend an Ivy League graduate program and were someone to look at my math skills alone, they'd think I wasn't bright at all Am I intelligent and can I engage critically? Yes. Am I automatically good at math simply because I am smart or good at other things, no....I have poor math skills. Can they be improved? Maybe. Are they currently good? No.

 

I think it is the same for everything else in life. Being a cut throat tycoon who can navigate tricky business deals, does not make one a great counselor, doctor, father, mother etc. They have nothing to do with each other, even if some of the required skills overlap. A cheater is not always a horrible person and participating in cheating shouldn't result in you being cast into hell, but can it be argued that that person has improper relationship skills/coping skills etc? Yes, I think so. The only distinction I think should be made is whether or not this is a chronic problem or truly situational. Are they only exhibiting improper coping skills/interpersonal skills etc for that specific time period, for whatever reason, OR is that their modus operandi.I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, I do however believe in working on one's self and if one has exhibited poor coping skills or engaged in otherwise questionable dealings, then complex or not, I only care to see that if it wasn't ideal, one has tried to improve and one didn't simply excuse themselves as humans and continued on with the same behavior. That's the unacceptable part to me, not the mistake, but continuing without learning anything or acknowledging that anything was wrong.

 

The interpersonal relationship arena of one's life is an interesting and unique one that shows people up for their beauty and neuroses more so than any other, I've found; therefore, I don't get fooled into believing that because someone is a talented musician with much charisma, a brilliant and well spoken author, a competent counselor, the president of a fortune 500 company, even a good parent etc means they are also great at maintaining and nurturing romantic bonds....simply not so.

Edited August 27, 2011 by MissBee

[alexandria35]

I don't believe in karma but I do believe that our actions have consequences as several other posters have already stated. Even if I did believe in karma, I don't understand the concept of wishing bad karma on somebody just because they have caused us pain. If that made sense then wouldn't that mean that every one of us deserves some bad karma. My mother has hurt me in the past. Should I wish bad Karma on her? My sons have hurt me at times. Should I wish bad karma on them? Should they wish bad karma on me, since I too have caused them pain? I have left men and broken their hearts and men have left me and broken my heart. Should we all sit around spending the rest of our days wishing bad karma on each other?

[alexandria35]

HMMMM sorry - like I said upfront, I didn't know the full backstory for Lynne. I was extrapolating from RL stories of people I actually know.

 

Still, true, MM might want the BABY and considering he has so much invested in creating one with W - he obviously wants to see a ROI. But we'll see. *shrug* People have NO CLUE what they're in for, even those who think they've got everything covered.

 

If he's cheating on W over the "stress" of trying for a baby - BELIEVE YOU ME he's going to be going to be stressing A LOT once that baby gets here!

 

You think it's tough when you don't get a lot of sleep NOW? Try that once a baby's in the mix. Need some peace and quiet? Not gonna happen with a crying infant. Remember those days when you would wake up on the weekends without an alarm clock? Take spontaneous trips? Have loud sex without locked doors? :lmao:

 

Like I said, it's not karma or anything.....but Lynne-baby, trust me on this one. You don't have anything to worry about.

 

Good New OP!! You don't have to waste your time bitterly wishing bad on your MM. LilyBart is going to do it for you.

[PhoenixRise]

HMMMM sorry - like I said upfront, I didn't know the full backstory for Lynne. I was extrapolating from RL stories of people I actually know

 

Oh I understood that. I was just pointing out that the RL stories you were extrapolating from actually had no resemblance to the backstory the OP had related.

 

Still, true, MM might want the BABY and considering he has so much invested in creating one with W - he obviously wants to see a ROI. But we'll see. *shrug* People have NO CLUE what they're in for, even those who think they've got everything covered.

 

So getting the baby you have worked for and wanted for years will undoubtedly make you miserable because no matter what you think you want, you don't really have a clue? Really? Do you even know anyone who has dealt with infertility. I can tell you that no matter what they have to go through to have the baby they want they don't think of said child in terms of ROI once they get here.

 

If he's cheating on W over the "stress" of trying for a baby - BELIEVE YOU ME he's going to be going to be stressing A LOT once that baby gets here!

 

Clearly you have never been the confidant of a couple going through the hell of long term infertility. For most couples dealing with this, if they are lucky enough to overcome it, dealing with normal baby stuff (some crying, a few months of sleepless nights etc) is not a cause of stress. After the rollercoaster of infertility treatments, hope, loss... dealing with baby stuff is just something they feel blessed to be able to do.

 

You think it's tough when you don't get a lot of sleep NOW? Try that once a baby's in the mix. Need some peace and quiet? Not gonna happen with a crying infant. Remember those days when you would wake up on the weekends without an alarm clock? Take spontaneous trips? Have loud sex without locked doors? :lmao:

 

Right because why would anyone ever want to bring another human being into the world to love and nurture when it could mean the end of weekend sleep ins, peace and quiet, and loud sex

 

Like I said, it's not karma or anything.....but Lynne-baby, trust me on this one. You don't have anything to worry about.

 

 

We agree that Lynne doesn't have anything to worry about. She can just sit back (kind of like you are doing) and imagine that this MM who is getting everything he has always wanted (according the OP prior posts) is actually miserable because he is getting everything he wants.

 

 

 

OP I hope my posts haven't made you feel worse. That was not my intention. I do believe, based on your prior posts that MM and his wife are probably pretty happy right now(and likely scared as hell that something will go wrong too). I do believe everybody reaps what they sow. You, me, MM, BW, everybody. You may never know about his reaping though.

 

I hope you focus on healing yourself so that you come out of this experience stronger and wiser.

 

Good luck to you.

[bentnotbroken]

We agree that Lynne doesn't have anything to worry about. She can just sit back (kind of like you are doing) and imagine that this MM who is getting everything he has always wanted (according the OP prior posts) is actually miserable because he is getting everything he wants.

 

 

 

OP I hope my posts haven't made you feel worse. That was not my intention. I do believe, based on your prior posts that MM and his wife are probably pretty happy right now(and likely scared as hell that something will go wrong too). I do believe everybody reaps what they sow. You, me, MM, BW, everybody. You may never know about his reaping though.

 

I hope you focus on healing yourself so that you come out of this experience stronger and wiser.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Nicely done.

[lynne76]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to this. I didn't mean to set off a storm of any sort...I was just wondering, in an existential kind of way, if these things, these types of deceptions, ever come to the light of day, even years later. I'm not saying I WANT that for my xMM, I just sometimes wonder about it. I wonder if one day I'll get a call from his W, years from now....though I don't think she will ever find out, he did such a "good" job of keeping it from her. But I will admit to sometimes wondering why it feels like the "consequences" were all felt by me -- I sometimes feel very burdened by this big secret I have to keep for him, so that his marriage can stay intact. Arguably that is a responsibility I took on when I got involved with him, but I was in love and starry-eyed and believed that "our love" would triumph...and there were certainly days, and weeks, and even months, he seemed to think so too.

 

I'm left in a very sad and bad place, simply because I loved this man so much. I still do, even if people here seem to think he's a lout because he cheated. I can't think that way about him somehow. He's just a man, a human, who let his guard down and fell in love because of that, to my mind, anyway.

 

But yes, his situation now is that he has had a mid-life awakening and he wants to have his marriage back as the focus in his life. For me, it's just very hard. I feel like I "taught" him a lot of things -- be it sexually or be it emotionally -- and now he's using those "lessons" and applying them to his marriage and I am left behind. It's bewildering, I was so naive. Sometimes, too, I do feel like she should know, because for her, infidelity is the final straw in her marriage, and she believes he is one thing -- a loyal man -- and I know differently. I know his A with me has taken him to a "better" place in his marriage and in his life and I guess that is hard....that she gets to reap the rewards of his growth and not me. He was a beautiful man when I met him, and now he's even moreso....it's sort of crazy.

 

I know a lot of you will laugh at me and point fingers and tell me I should have known better....you're right....the only excuse I have is just that I fell in love with him in one second and it felt like the most right thing, the most destined thing, I had ever encountered in my life. And he felt the same way, we changed one another's lives in an instant and while rationally it was obviously a terrible path to take, it was also on so many levels, very deeply spiritual and life affirming...I hadn't been touched by a man in years and years, so even just on a physical level it felt "healthy" and he'd never shared that kind of connection with a woman either....but he's focusing on his marriage for very understandable reasons -- the bonds of time, the pain they have been through together, etc. -- I just keep feeling sorry for myself I guess. I live in a place where it is so hard to meet single men, before him I never would have considered a married man, but I was just so weary from single-life, from never feeling cared for or loved, and he appeared like a vision out of nowhere and it was really beautiful, however "wrong" it was. But I do feel now like I'm just doomed somehow, that I will have to pay for this mistake for the rest of my life, because I will never find another man, another love, like him. He's set the bar so high, cheating aside, and so I remain lonely and alone, and he has emerged not only unscathed, but "better" and is sure to be rewarded by a better marriage and as he hopes one day, a baby (they are not pregnant at the moment).

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just sad. I'm tired of being positive and optimistic that I will meet someone....it's been almost ten years, I feel like I've done everything and he was the man of my dreams. I'm tired of dreaming for anyone else but him.

 

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

 

thank you.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to this. I didn't mean to set off a storm of any sort...I was just wondering, in an existential kind of way, if these things, these types of deceptions, ever come to the light of day, even years later. I'm not saying I WANT that for my xMM, I just sometimes wonder about it. I wonder if one day I'll get a call from his W, years from now....though I don't think she will ever find out, he did such a "good" job of keeping it from her. But I will admit to sometimes wondering why it feels like the "consequences" were all felt by me -- I sometimes feel very burdened by this big secret I have to keep for him, so that his marriage can stay intact. Arguably that is a responsibility I took on when I got involved with him, but I was in love and starry-eyed and believed that "our love" would triumph...and there were certainly days, and weeks, and even months, he seemed to think so too.

 

I'm left in a very sad and bad place, simply because I loved this man so much. I still do, even if people here seem to think he's a lout because he cheated. I can't think that way about him somehow. He's just a man, a human, who let his guard down and fell in love because of that, to my mind, anyway.

 

But yes, his situation now is that he has had a mid-life awakening and he wants to have his marriage back as the focus in his life. For me, it's just very hard. I feel like I "taught" him a lot of things -- be it sexually or be it emotionally -- and now he's using those "lessons" and applying them to his marriage and I am left behind. It's bewildering, I was so naive. Sometimes, too, I do feel like she should know, because for her, infidelity is the final straw in her marriage, and she believes he is one thing -- a loyal man -- and I know differently. I know his A with me has taken him to a "better" place in his marriage and in his life and I guess that is hard....that she gets to reap the rewards of his growth and not me. He was a beautiful man when I met him, and now he's even moreso....it's sort of crazy.

 

I know a lot of you will laugh at me and point fingers and tell me I should have known better....you're right....the only excuse I have is just that I fell in love with him in one second and it felt like the most right thing, the most destined thing, I had ever encountered in my life. And he felt the same way, we changed one another's lives in an instant and while rationally it was obviously a terrible path to take, it was also on so many levels, very deeply spiritual and life affirming...I hadn't been touched by a man in years and years, so even just on a physical level it felt "healthy" and he'd never shared that kind of connection with a woman either....but he's focusing on his marriage for very understandable reasons -- the bonds of time, the pain they have been through together, etc. -- I just keep feeling sorry for myself I guess. I live in a place where it is so hard to meet single men, before him I never would have considered a married man, but I was just so weary from single-life, from never feeling cared for or loved, and he appeared like a vision out of nowhere and it was really beautiful, however "wrong" it was. But I do feel now like I'm just doomed somehow, that I will have to pay for this mistake for the rest of my life, because I will never find another man, another love, like him. He's set the bar so high, cheating aside, and so I remain lonely and alone, and he has emerged not only unscathed, but "better" and is sure to be rewarded by a better marriage and as he hopes one day, a baby (they are not pregnant at the moment).

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just sad. I'm tired of being positive and optimistic that I will meet someone....it's been almost ten years, I feel like I've done everything and he was the man of my dreams. I'm tired of dreaming for anyone else but him.

 

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

 

thank you.

 

 

:sick:Benefits. Sure she is reaping something, but it sure is hell isn't a benefit to anyone but him. Better man. Better than what he was before which was a cheater. I guess now he will become a master gas lighting, manipulating piece of greatness. To force her to stay with him by lying to her. Wonderful:sick: Elevate your level of dreaming. It would be healthier for you.

[alexandria35]

Lynne I just don't think you are being very realistic about this.

 

This man is 49 years old. He has been with his wife for 12 years and he probably had some serious relationships before he even met his wife, given that he was about 36 before he even met her. You carried on an affair with him for about a year. What do you think you taught him that made him so much better? You thought he was already wonderful when you met him , so who gets the credit for that? His wife maybe? After all she had twelve years to teach him about women. What about women he was possibly involved with before getting married? Did they have any impact on him? What exactly in your 1 year affair did you teach him that no other woman before you could teach him?

 

You sound angry that his wife is reaping the benefits. Well like bent said, I question what benefits she is reaping. She used to have a loyal honest husband (if it's true that he hasn't cheated before) now she has a liar and a cheat for a husband. But even if she is getting something good from her husband, doesn't she deserve that? She is his wife, they took vows to each other, and they have a 12 year history together. So you should reap the benefits? Because hey, you spent a secret year with him and taught him some nifty new sex tricks. Now it's just not fair that his wife, who has shared her life with him for 12 years, openly and honestly, should be getting anything good from her marriage. The good stuff should be yours right? Because you invested a year of sneaking around and being dishonest.

[lynne76]

I'm not so much "angry" she is reaping the benefits, as I am sad for me that I am not. There is a difference, however vague it appears to be.

 

And yes, I guess I thought that because of our connection and how I was appearing to transform his life....I guess I thought that he would jump at that, and want to be with someone he felt such a greater connection to. What keeps him with his wife, so he says, is their history and the pain they've gone through together....I understand that. I just wish things were different, I wish he was brave enough to move forward with me like I thought he was going to do for most of the duration of the past year. But all these outside things in his life kept happening that pushed them closer together -- their infertility, the loss of a friend of theirs, the illness of their elderly parents. He feels very needed by her and sees her as weak, like if he ever left her, she would fall apart. But I've fallen apart here and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put myself back together.

 

And I guess I agree that I feel like he's made a decision for her to still be his wife by not telling her about our A. Like it's not fair to her not to know. Not that I am going to tell her, I'm not....but sometimes I just wish he could be brave and put the truth on the table. If their marriage is strong enough to withstand it, then fine, they are "meant to be" but if not, then he would be free to be with me. It's hard, that's all.

[woinlove]

I'm not so much "angry" she is reaping the benefits, as I am sad for me that I am not. There is a difference, however vague it appears to be.

 

And yes, I guess I thought that because of our connection and how I was appearing to transform his life....I guess I thought that he would jump at that, and want to be with someone he felt such a greater connection to. What keeps him with his wife, so he says, is their history and the pain they've gone through together....I understand that. I just wish things were different, I wish he was brave enough to move forward with me like I thought he was going to do for most of the duration of the past year. But all these outside things in his life kept happening that pushed them closer together -- their infertility, the loss of a friend of theirs, the illness of their elderly parents. He feels very needed by her and sees her as weak, like if he ever left her, she would fall apart. But I've fallen apart here and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put myself back together.

 

And I guess I agree that I feel like he's made a decision for her to still be his wife by not telling her about our A. Like it's not fair to her not to know. Not that I am going to tell her, I'm not....but sometimes I just wish he could be brave and put the truth on the table. If their marriage is strong enough to withstand it, then fine, they are "meant to be" but if not, then he would be free to be with me. It's hard, that's all.

 

MM is now with his W, but he's still deceiving her by hiding his A. Therefore, he's still broken in some way. I tend to think, such brokenness limits one's capacity for happiness and peace no matter who they are with. Perhaps you did see him through some positive growth, but you also saw him as a deceiver, living an inauthentic double life. Let's hope he continues to develop into a more trustworthy partner and parent and that you heal and are open to finding someone who is already capable of an honest, authentic R.