zengirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 and he has the right, upon hearing from a dumper pretty much out of the blue, to express his reasonable expectations and desires in the conversation. [snip] "Express your own desires and let the other person worry about theirs" is almost always good advice regardless of gender. Doing otherwise is the way to be used and disrespected in many areas of life, not just dating. I don't have any problem with his desire. I just said he sounded immature, and he does. The mature way to say it is, "I don't want to be friends. I was interested in a sexual relationship." Even that does disrespect what they potentially had in a relationship----if what you want is sex, and you have no interest in the person as a person, you are not really building a relationship. And that's fine, but the OP is right to think it disrespects their potential relationship that failed. Personally, I would never communicate with such a person as that guy, let alone let him anywhere near any part of my body. Some folks have touched on it, but the main issue in this thread is how wrong it is to throw crumbs at exes out of selfish motives as opposed to letting them heal and move on with their lives once one decides a relationship isn't going to progress. Let alone whining and complaining about the results when one's crumb-throwing doesn't turn out exactly as expected. How is expressing a "We can still be friends?" thing selfish if the OP truly intended to keep that interest-as-a-person connection alive. Granted, he's free to say, "That's not my cuppa" (for whatever reason) but there's nothing selfish about it. People with more sexual experience than the average twenty something do in fact talk about sex that way as opposed to flowery romanticism. Well, this guy is a virgin supposedly, right? Did you read anything about the OP's actual situation? After a certain point, the "gild is off the lily" so to speak. In fact, I hear that exact description of sexual desire from women constantly, "I'd so do him," or even "I would so do you," maybe more than men saying such. Just because you don't doesn't mean it's automatically a "frat boy" mode of expression. I've heard people say it, but not the kind of people I'd date, and usually young people. It's very frat boy (or sorority girl, if you prefer the gender version). People who don't view sex as anything special might say that, sure.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Personally, I would never communicate with such a person as that guy, let alone let him anywhere near any part of my body. NO KIDDING. Certainly, a person can say "I'd do you" to all his ex girlfriends, people on the street, teachers, and I guess there will be those unique individuals here on good old LoveShack who will celebrate such things and egg guys on who do them. There will also be the throngs of women who will turn around and walk away (or, scream and run) with nary a backwards glance. And, for the record, there was no "bullying" or even the merest implied essence of it in the OP or by the person who wrote it.
Emilia Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 When I see threads like this I'm soooo glad I'm not a man. Dealing with this dramatised BS when the guy just expressed sexual desire.... Way too much ladies
thatone Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks everyone. My intention of the text was not to 'throw breadcrumbs' or whatever some of you thought. Simply, he's a nice guy under it all i think, just too clueless and immature, and I genuinely just want the best for him, and suggest we can be friends AT A LATER TIME, i told him after we have some time apart to process things. I did not intend to contact him continously, but he is not someone I just 'dump and trash'...though our RS was brief, he was significant to me in that brief period. no, you didn't intend to contact him continuously, you intended for him to contact you continuously after you laid your trap, but he didn't take the bait. re read what you said about him. why do you want to be friends with someone you don't like on a platonic level? you don't, you want your phone to ring with a man on the other end of the line, and since no other man has presented himself in the time since you dumped this one, you tried to lead him on to get him calling you again.
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 This is so not a big deal. The guy is essentially saying "I'm not sure I can be Just Friends, seeing as how I still want to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane". Sounds eminently reasonable to me. Conehead has over 100 threads where the primary gist is some issue she has with a guy, real or imagined. This one falls into the latter category.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Guys. Conehead is not "baiting a trap." Oh my god. Please. Just because someone who happens to be a female person does something you take offense with towards someone who happens to be a male person (in this case, contacting him about "being friends") does not automatically make her an evil Jezebel. I've been posting on conehead's thread about this guy the whole measly 2.5 months she's been involved with him. Forgive me for saying this, conehead, but my take on the situation has always been that it's an awkward stab at having a relationship between two people who, for whatever reasons, are poorly equipped to accomplish that. In this case, the guy was less equipped than she was. He was hardly the sadly rejected dumpee. He barely showed any interest in spending time with her, talking with her, or, even having sex with her. Honestly, I doubt he noticed any difference between "being in a relationship" and not being in one. In my opinion, because he has SEVERE SOCIAL ISSUES. WHY do some of you guys (or, you singular guy, as I think part of the hydra is here on this thread) grab at any opportunity to trash a woman? Bullies. Or, bully.
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 no, you didn't intend to contact him continuously, you intended for him to contact you continuously after you laid your trap, but he didn't take the bait. re read what you said about him. why do you want to be friends with someone you don't like on a platonic level? you don't, you want your phone to ring with a man on the other end of the line, and since no other man has presented himself in the time since you dumped this one, you tried to lead him on to get him calling you again. What makes you think she didn't like him on a platonic level? Am I missing something? She says upthread he was "important" to her, as a person---that sounds like liking someone on a platonic level to me. He was hardly the sadly rejected dumpee. He barely showed any interest in spending time with her, talking with her, or, even having sex with her. Honestly, I doubt he noticed any difference between "being in a relationship" and not being in one. In my opinion, because he has SEVERE SOCIAL ISSUES. That's what I thought. I don't know conehead beyond a thread or two about this guy, but I agree with this assessment. He wasn't interested in really having a relationship with her, she tried to make it work, she realized it was ultimately not fulfilling and, bummed, she broke it off, but she still liked the guy so she wanted to be friends with him. Whether he wants to be friends or not is up to him, but his reaction basically belies what was obviously true: he was never that into her or able to react to her in a real, meaningful way. The way his texts are phrased, he seems to see her more as an object than a person, and not just the wanting to have sex with her thing but the WAY he phrases it all with the "when you're not mad" crap and stuff. Whether conehead is the world's best GF, I don't honestly know, but I don't see what she did to this guy besides try really hard to make it work and acknowledge it wasn't going to.
thatone Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 What makes you think she didn't like him on a platonic level? Am I missing something? She says upthread he was "important" to her, as a person---that sounds like liking someone on a platonic level to me. I dated my bf for 2.5 months (never had sex, just made out) and broke up with him 1.5 weeks ago because he rarely called, was fine seeing me only once a week, he had bad manners/etiquette, and I generally started to get irritated by him near the end. maybe it's just me, but i don't prefer to be friends with bad mannered people that irritate me when i'm around them.
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 maybe it's just me, but i don't prefer to be friends with bad mannered people that irritate me when i'm around them. That's all relating to how he was in a relationship. You don't expect the same manners from your friends as your SO, do you? And haven't you ever had someone irritate you when dating who you still valued as a person? I certainly have. I don't think that necessarily means she didn't sincerely want to be friends or at least friendly with him, before his comments. Again, it's fine if he doesn't want to be friends, but I definitely can blame her with getting irritated with such a man. I'd never be his friend, personally.
thatone Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 yeah, but when the dating/relationship is over i don't want any contact with them if they were irritating before. why would i? i can choose to have contact with whoever i want out of friends, family, etc. why would i choose someone who i didn't get along with the last time i saw them when i could simply choose someone else?
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 yeah, but when the dating/relationship is over i don't want any contact with them if they were irritating before. why would i? i can choose to have contact with whoever i want out of friends, family, etc. why would i choose someone who i didn't get along with the last time i saw them when i could simply choose someone else? Lots of people want to be friends with their exes. I am, actually, friends with mine in some cases. It all depends. I don't see how she was looking for validation --- I think she mostly was feeling badly about breaking up with him since she'd liked him. I think talking to him sounds pointless, sure, but I don't think she was trying anything nefarious.
dasein Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Thanks everyone. My intention of the text was not to 'throw breadcrumbs'. I believe you, but please take from this experience that once you dump someone, the humane thing to do is to leave their life forever unless you decide you made a mistake and truly want to reconcile.
dasein Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 The mature way to say it is, "I don't want to be friends. I was interested in a sexual relationship." No one talks like that, and especially, no one texts like that. Or at least no man who seeks to have adult women find him sexually desirable talks like that. Truth is, the way it is phrased is irrelevant, if a woman is interested, you can tell her you want to "tear that p-ssy up til she walks bowlegged" and she will respond favorably, and if she isn't into you, you can say things that would impress Byron to no avail. As men learn fairly early on, there's only one way to find out which, because she sure as hell isn't going to tell while she is still enjoying the attention and freebies Even that does disrespect what they potentially had in a relationship----if what you want is sex, and you have no interest in the person as a person, you are not really building a relationship. And that's fine, but the OP is right to think it disrespects their potential relationship that failed. Just because he stated that he wanted to have sex with her has NOTHING to do with how he values her "as a person" (whatever that semantic nullity might mean) or not, respects her or not, or how he views any prospective lasting relationship with her. Women want "the relationship" to include physical attraction to her, sex and spontaneous physical passion when they want it to one minute, then turn on a dime the next, and describe "the relationship" as some sort of idealized, asexual, romantic abstraction when they seek to manipulate men towards their agenda or when asking men to "do more to please me" or "pass my silly tests." I call BS. Moroever, as any man with any normal amount of experience can tell you, the quickest way for NO relationship of ANY kind to happen with a woman is by not being sexually assertive about desiring her... sooner rather than later, and more often rather than not. The biggest niceguy lie out there is bowing into the fallacy that the root of their attraction to a woman is not sexual but some kind of idealized abstraction. 90% of the niceguy whiners here are in that exact predicament of listening to a female version of what love is supposed to be, whether it comes from their mother, sister, or some other well-meaning but misguided woman (or a mangina in some cases). Things don't work for them and they end up here complaining and whining about how women screw d-bags and not them. How is expressing a "We can still be friends?" thing selfish if the OP truly intended to keep that interest-as-a-person connection alive. Granted, he's free to say, "That's not my cuppa" (for whatever reason) but there's nothing selfish about it. Are you seriously willing to argue that a recent dumper contacting their recent dumpee to offer friendship or for whatever reason does not involve a degree of selfishness, if not out and out cruelty? You need to do some reading in the "recently dumped" area about all the misery, confusion via mixed signals, and emotional pain dumpers needlessly put dumpees through by initiating this type of contact. I learned to let women I dumped be so they could move on way back in junior high, am amazed you didn't.
Recommended Posts