Need strenght to leave he likes porn more than me

[Ginnyallalone]

Okay I am looking for two things today from my first post here on loveshack. I really need advice on how to live with my husband while secretly planning to leave. I am 43, we have no kids by choice, I currently I have a part time job from home, no car of my own, struggling with anxiety, and I am not close with my sisters and my mom died 9 years ago, another words, no one could take me in, help me financially. I really can’t leave until I get my life on a better track. I am smart, tall, thin, fit, and college educated, but lonely and scared…but how do I stay sane when he comes home every night and my stomach starts to hurt. This post turned out longer than I intended, please stick with me.

 

 

The other thing I am looking for is opinions from men and women about the final straw that broke my back last week and made me finally realize that it will never get better because he will never get better. (I actually understand the full meaning of “the straw that broke the camels back, I physically felt myself stop loving him).

 

Okay, our sex life is bad. Not all his fault, but mostly. I got tired of trying to get him to sleep with me, getting him to talk about what he wanted in his sex life …etc…and then about a year and a half ago I realized he has a porn problem. Caught him with a flickr account with 80 friends he exchanged photos and emails with. No nude pics of him, I made him give me the password…but he used it at work, posted pictures of himself that I took and some that showed him with his hockey team with jerseys on, and all the women were nothing like me. I am thin, tall, and unique looking dark blonde Icelandic heritage. All these girls were young young young short dark haired.. whatever. We really never got better after that. I was disgusted mostly that he risked his job for porn. Secondly, that none of the women even looked like me, and third that he used my birthday present, the camera he got me, to post on flickr. Oh yea, and that he barely wanted sex with me during his 20 months on flickr. Things haven’t gotten any better since he quit flickr …So I will get to my main story/question:

 

Okay, here is the straw:

He was being all grumpy and bastard to me last Saturday. So I said to him, “Go out and buy a porno magazine and maybe you won’t snap at me all the time.” So that next day, last Sunday, he turns to me and says, “Do you want a say on what porn I buy?” WTF??? I looked at him and said no, and turned away, thinking to myself, “don’t be so surprised of course he is going to buy porn, he is addicted and didn’t even stop to think that maybe he shouldn’t take my suggestion, maybe it was one of those wife test things”…but he did not think that...at all.

 

Well Monday morning I get up and his under ware drawer is opened and you can plainly see a Penthouse Letters Magazine laying in there. I know him, he left that open like that because he thought I would think, “oh cool, He is not hiding it from me.”

What I really thought was, okay what did I do? Telling him to buy porn? Now if I complain then he will have an out because I told him to buy it. Then smart me kicked in and said, “It’s a diversion…look under the mattress.” So I looked and The Jerk not only bought the “tame” Penthouse letters, but under the bed was a “Barely Legal” Magazine and Three porn DVD’s. I nearly vomited right there. Who is this man. He knows I hate young porn, it makes me feel worse…all his flickr girls were young. He has a problem…this next part is a little gross…

 

That started a week from hell for me and my stomach. It has been a week of him masturbating with me in the other room. It started that Monday night they day after he bought the magazines. I was sleeping on the couch and woke up. I stood up to go to the bedroom and he had his robe stuffed under the door, the light was on and I could hear him. The next morning he left sperm filled tissues on the bed in plan site!

I decide to wait and see how bad it really was, maybe he got carried away and just was not thinking leaving the tissue out. After all, if I say anything to him his excuse will be that I TOLD him to buy porn.

Alas, it wasn’t a one night thing. This went on all last week. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was upset the entire week, still is…me on the couch, him in the bedroom. I heard him every night, this is a man that says he is always tired, but about a half hour after I pretended to be asleep on the couch I would hear him (I stay up late too like 1am), he would actually stay up late, loose sleep in order to masturbate.

This past Saturday is when the straw broke. He slept in until about noon, but I know he was in the bedroom masturbating. He got up very tired. Ran a few errands, I acted like I was tired and wanted a nap…he went to nap and acted like I was napping on the couch…I stayed up waiting…yes he masturbated again and when I went into the room later to get something, he had left another semen filled tissue…this time on the dresser. Then that same night, me on the couch again, I admit I was lying there waiting to see if he got up. At 3:30 in the morning…robe stuffed under door…he did it again!

Sunday night too. And this morning…robe pockets stuffed with fresh used tissue….

 

 

Okay…I haven’t shared this with anyone but all of you and I need opinions about this. I am utterly grossed out need to know what other men think of a man who is leaving his tissues all over. I need to know how to compartmentalize this while getting my life together. I need to know if I should say something…or just be cold and have a purpose to leave. Do you have any idea how hard it has been for me to not blow up at him and throw his dirty tissues in his face??? Its hard not to confront him, in the past I would have by now…I just need to hear other people’s reactions. I sound strong here…but I am alone in the world, and never thought my best friend would be so rude and mean. We have been together 16 years.

Thanks so much. And to the men reading this I ask, "do you think my husband is gross?"

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Given the 2011 economy, anybody still buying the kind of porn you have to bring home in a bag is unlikely to be "addicted" to porn.

 

True porn addicts long ago figured out that there is so much free porn online that the internet is far more cost-effective for such a vice.

 

 

 

I can't quite figure out the symbolism behind his leaving his 'tissues' out for you to see/find. I don't think it happens in the way that others might leave dirty dishes around.

 

I have a strong sense that marriage counselling would work wonders for you, and that it probably isn't time to think about 'leaving' just yet.

 

Thankfully you aren't burdened by kids at this time in your life, and thus you can direct most of your priorities toward solving this marital situation.

[TBH]

your husband is acting like a 13 year old boy who'd just discovered porn.

 

Now, i dont have anything against a bit of porn. everyone looks at it sometimes and thats fine, BUT when you'd always rather wank than make love to your partner then its not OK.

 

Your guy sounds like a douche. you said you dont love him anymore and obviously have lost respect for him too.

 

I cant tell you what to do but I know if it were me I would leave him. I think life is way too short to be unhappy. sure you can spend years and lots of money trying to work through it in therapy etc. but therapy only works if you want it to.

 

trust your gut, everytime. if it says get out, then do it.

[Turtles]

Gin,

 

At one time I have been where your husband is. Well, maybe not quite, but was definitely headed in that direction. I snapped out of it when I realized porn was ruining my sex life. So, just so you know there is hope. If that's your biggest problem then I think it's worth doing an effort.

 

I can't tell you what worked for me, I certainly did not get any help from my wife, in fact she is the one who encouraged me to go watch porn so she could get me off her butt a few nights a week.

 

PS yes I do think the used tissues are gross. But I left some subtler "hints". Thinking she would get the message that I wanted more sex with her. But looking back it rather had the opposite effect.

[scaredandalone1223]

How long have you been married?

 

You say your sex life is bad and not all his fault, but mostly. Is it only because of the porn?

 

Maybe him leaving the tissues is a sign he wants you to know what he's doing. When he asked if you would like a say in what porn he bought maybe that was his trying to make you a part of it.

 

Many times for couples who have been married a long time the same ole same ole in the bedroom gets boring. Porn, toys, ect. can be a very good thing! Instead of viewing porn as such a gross thing try joining him. Ask him if he would like to help YOU pick out something like a new toy. Buy a sexy new piece of lingerie.

 

You have told us how you feel but have you talked to him about it? Do you guys talk about your sex life, the things you enjoy, how you feel when you donut have it? The fact that you are sleeping on the couch makes it hard for you to be intimately involved.

 

The first time I bought a vibrator was on vacation one year and my husband and I went into a novelty store. He loved the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted and bought it without hesitation. Some days I will send him a text at work letting him know I'm getting my moneys worth I don't say anything too blunt just in case someone else sees the text but just enough so he knows what I'm talking about. It's a huge turn on for him!!! I'm by no means raunchy with it and we never send pics because you never know who may end up with your phone if you lose it but provocative innuendo goes a long way!

 

From the tone of your post it sounds like you may be very reserved when it comes to sex. Open up a little! Penthouse letters is a good place to start actually. Next time you see it pick it up and read a few you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome!! I think your husband is crying out for some sexual attention from you.

Edited August 24, 2011 by scaredandalone1223

[KathyM]

Okay I am looking for two things today from my first post here on loveshack. I really need advice on how to live with my husband while secretly planning to leave. I am 43, we have no kids by choice, I currently I have a part time job from home, no car of my own, struggling with anxiety, and I am not close with my sisters and my mom died 9 years ago, another words, no one could take me in, help me financially. I really can’t leave until I get my life on a better track. I am smart, tall, thin, fit, and college educated, but lonely and scared…but how do I stay sane when he comes home every night and my stomach starts to hurt. This post turned out longer than I intended, please stick with me.

 

 

The other thing I am looking for is opinions from men and women about the final straw that broke my back last week and made me finally realize that it will never get better because he will never get better. (I actually understand the full meaning of “the straw that broke the camels back, I physically felt myself stop loving him).

 

Okay, our sex life is bad. Not all his fault, but mostly. I got tired of trying to get him to sleep with me, getting him to talk about what he wanted in his sex life …etc…and then about a year and a half ago I realized he has a porn problem. Caught him with a flickr account with 80 friends he exchanged photos and emails with. No nude pics of him, I made him give me the password…but he used it at work, posted pictures of himself that I took and some that showed him with his hockey team with jerseys on, and all the women were nothing like me. I am thin, tall, and unique looking dark blonde Icelandic heritage. All these girls were young young young short dark haired.. whatever. We really never got better after that. I was disgusted mostly that he risked his job for porn. Secondly, that none of the women even looked like me, and third that he used my birthday present, the camera he got me, to post on flickr. Oh yea, and that he barely wanted sex with me during his 20 months on flickr. Things haven’t gotten any better since he quit flickr …So I will get to my main story/question:

 

Okay, here is the straw:

He was being all grumpy and bastard to me last Saturday. So I said to him, “Go out and buy a porno magazine and maybe you won’t snap at me all the time.” So that next day, last Sunday, he turns to me and says, “Do you want a say on what porn I buy?” WTF??? I looked at him and said no, and turned away, thinking to myself, “don’t be so surprised of course he is going to buy porn, he is addicted and didn’t even stop to think that maybe he shouldn’t take my suggestion, maybe it was one of those wife test things”…but he did not think that...at all.

 

Well Monday morning I get up and his under ware drawer is opened and you can plainly see a Penthouse Letters Magazine laying in there. I know him, he left that open like that because he thought I would think, “oh cool, He is not hiding it from me.”

What I really thought was, okay what did I do? Telling him to buy porn? Now if I complain then he will have an out because I told him to buy it. Then smart me kicked in and said, “It’s a diversion…look under the mattress.” So I looked and The Jerk not only bought the “tame” Penthouse letters, but under the bed was a “Barely Legal” Magazine and Three porn DVD’s. I nearly vomited right there. Who is this man. He knows I hate young porn, it makes me feel worse…all his flickr girls were young. He has a problem…this next part is a little gross…

 

That started a week from hell for me and my stomach. It has been a week of him masturbating with me in the other room. It started that Monday night they day after he bought the magazines. I was sleeping on the couch and woke up. I stood up to go to the bedroom and he had his robe stuffed under the door, the light was on and I could hear him. The next morning he left sperm filled tissues on the bed in plan site!

I decide to wait and see how bad it really was, maybe he got carried away and just was not thinking leaving the tissue out. After all, if I say anything to him his excuse will be that I TOLD him to buy porn.

Alas, it wasn’t a one night thing. This went on all last week. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was upset the entire week, still is…me on the couch, him in the bedroom. I heard him every night, this is a man that says he is always tired, but about a half hour after I pretended to be asleep on the couch I would hear him (I stay up late too like 1am), he would actually stay up late, loose sleep in order to masturbate.

This past Saturday is when the straw broke. He slept in until about noon, but I know he was in the bedroom masturbating. He got up very tired. Ran a few errands, I acted like I was tired and wanted a nap…he went to nap and acted like I was napping on the couch…I stayed up waiting…yes he masturbated again and when I went into the room later to get something, he had left another semen filled tissue…this time on the dresser. Then that same night, me on the couch again, I admit I was lying there waiting to see if he got up. At 3:30 in the morning…robe stuffed under door…he did it again!

Sunday night too. And this morning…robe pockets stuffed with fresh used tissue….

 

 

Okay…I haven’t shared this with anyone but all of you and I need opinions about this. I am utterly grossed out need to know what other men think of a man who is leaving his tissues all over. I need to know how to compartmentalize this while getting my life together. I need to know if I should say something…or just be cold and have a purpose to leave. Do you have any idea how hard it has been for me to not blow up at him and throw his dirty tissues in his face??? Its hard not to confront him, in the past I would have by now…I just need to hear other people’s reactions. I sound strong here…but I am alone in the world, and never thought my best friend would be so rude and mean. We have been together 16 years.

Thanks so much. And to the men reading this I ask, "do you think my husband is gross?"

I don't think you should be secretly trying to leave. I think you should be upfront with him and tell him you're not willing to stay in a marriage where he is getting his sexual satisfaction through other women on porn sites or porn media. Then tell him you can't live like that and are planning to leave. Then file the divorce papers. That may be the shock he needs to get his life back on track. Maybe then he'll be willing to do what it takes to fight the addiction, but I wouldn't count on it. I'd file the papers and then work on a financial settlement that would enable you to live on your own. He would have to provide some support initially, while you work on getting a full time job.

[TheBadOne]

Just about every guy watches porn, and many watch it with their significant others. I suggest you express to your husband that you would be interested in watching some porn with him and see where it leads.

 

I bet once you do that and become part of his fantasy, it may not be a fantasy for him anymore and he may stop or reduce the amount of alone play time.

 

On the other hand judging from his strange behavior he might be too far into his addiction to turn back without professional help. Either way wish you the best.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Don't worry,

 

Online porn isn't a depletable resource.

 

 

If crude oil were as plentiful as free online porn, there would be no "middle east", and there would be no energy crisis.

[elysium23]

 

It's amazing that any woman in this day and age would be so insulated that she wouldn't be aware of men's psychology or physiology. I wonder if OP had some kind of strict religious upbringing.

 

She seems shocked at the notion that men masturbate and clean it up with tissues.

 

OP's husband is doing all this stuff because he is obviously and severely sexually frustrated. His fault? Maybe who knows.

 

But frankly the only real solution to him spreading his semen all over the house is for her to suck it out of him before he has a chance to do so.

 

I don't really know any other answer. It's comin' out baby, the urge is so strong that we even ejaculate at night when we are dreaming.

 

And you wouldn't believe how disgusting some of those wet dreams can be. Anything goes in a wet dream.

 

Hey! It's not fair to single men out like that...There are plenty women that fit this description too

 

Including the wet dreams...Im a girl and I have about 5 a month...and they can be pretty disturbing at times its true

 

-------------------

 

But anyway, I agree with a PP that he sounds like a 13 year old boy who just discovered porn. I would be annoyed with him just for being so immature and obsessive about it...But I wouldn't freak out about it! The porn itself isn't a big deal but his lack of affection for you obviously is. It sounds like there are some deeper issues there...Some personality flaws or something (im talking about him not you)... To prefer porn hands down to real human contact is strange...Maybe he is introverted and has intimacy issues? Who knows, it's impossible to say without more information.

 

I don't have any concrete advice I just think you first, need to get to the root of the lack of sex in your relationship. Secondly, you guys probably need to get out more and he needs to get some more hobbies. Sounds like a boring life masturbating for hours every night and you sitting up listening to him and worrying about it. I get it but I think it would be beneficial to get out and have some new experiences. I think that would especially help you to have a better perspective on the whole situation because these situations can really blow up when you focus on them too much.

Edited August 25, 2011 by elysium23

[KathyM]

The husband is addicted to porn. That is why he is no longer interested in sex with the wife. He's not interested in going out and doing fun things, developing hobbies, etc. Just like a drug addict, his "drug" is what is controlling his mind and what he is obsessed about. As long as that continues, there will be no married life. He has to be given an ultimatum: the wife or the porn. And if she decides to tough it out with him, he needs psychological counseling to beat this addiction. It's not going to go away on its own. It's not a normal behavior if he is choosing porn over sex with his wife. It's an addiction that is hurting his marriage and relationship with his wife.

[Woman In Blue]

Caught him with a flickr account with 80 friends he exchanged photos and emails with. No nude pics of him, I made him give me the password…but he used it at work, posted pictures of himself that I took and some that showed him with his hockey team with jerseys on, and all the women were nothing like me. I am thin, tall, and unique looking dark blonde Icelandic heritage. All these girls were young young young short dark haired.. whatever. We really never got better after that. I was disgusted mostly that he risked his job for porn.

Alright - I missed the 'porn' part here. You found fully clothed pictures of your husband posted on a Flickr account and he was acting like a dumbass middle-aged guy chasing young girls and loving the attention. Jack-hole behavior? Yup. Porn addiction? No.

 

Oh yea, and that he barely wanted sex with me during his 20 months on flickr. Things haven’t gotten any better since he quit flickr …

Just more jack-hole behavior - he was too caught up in his little world of adoration from the youngin's telling him what a DILF he is.

 

I looked at him and said no, and turned away, thinking to myself, “don’t be so surprised of course he is going to buy porn, he is addicted and didn’t even stop to think that maybe he shouldn’t take my suggestion, maybe it was one of those wife test things”…but he did not think that...at all.

WHERE are you getting this idea that he's addicted? Everyone on these boards throws that phrase around CONSTANTLY and they have no freakin' idea what they're talking about. Buying a few DVDs and a Penthouse Forum letters magazine HARDLY constitutes an "addiction." Jesus, people. Do some research into true sex addiction/porn addition before making your armchair diagnoses, will you?

 

Hey, I think men who look at "barely legal" porn are pigs too, don't get me wrong. There's just a huge "ick" factor in some 45 year old letch drooling over a girl who just turned 18. But most men are pigs and they do that. That doesn't mean, however, that they're 'addicted to porn.'

 

Sunday night too. And this morning…robe pockets stuffed with fresh used tissue….

 

Okay…I haven’t shared this with anyone but all of you and I need opinions about this. I am utterly grossed out need to know what other men think of a man who is leaving his tissues all over.

Aside from being a jack-hole, this is just plain 'acting out.' It's a kick in your face that he'd rather jerk off than touch you. This has nothing to do with 'porn addiction' and everything to do with some kind of huge resentment and anger issues toward you. Leaving the evidence out in plain site is a very purposeful way of saying "f*ck you." Jeez, it's so obvious that it's laughable.

 

From now on, when you find his disgusting little presents around the house, put them on his side of the bed - under the covers. He wants to be a pig, treat him like one.

 

Thanks so much. And to the men reading this I ask, "do you think my husband is gross?"

I just think he's a huge jack-hole acting out.

 

Either you can seek therapy to get to the root of what's REALLY bothering him, or you can become financially independent (you need to do that anyway - you have no kids so there's no reason why you should be home all the time) so that you have more options. You started out your post saying you have nowhere to go - you're 43 years old, not 19!! You shouldn't have to be moving in with your mother or sister or aunt at upir age. You can't leave if you're bringing in a minimal part-time salary and with no kids, there's NO WAY that you're SO busy working at home 24 hours a day that there's no time to get a real job.

[angie2443]

This reminds me of another thread on here. The husband is treating his partner like dirt and many of the posters are focusing on one aspect of the husband, his drinking issue, and not looking at the whole picture.

 

What I think when I read your post, OP is, "who cares if he's addicted to porn". He doesn't treat you well. He is harmful to you (on purpose it seems) and is doing some some creepy things. I may be wrong, but I think the porn is a weapon he uses to hurt you, invade your space (the tissues) and make you feel low. It appears to be working. I know you mentioned anxiety problems. I don't remember if you've said that had these problems before you met your husband or after. Can you get counsiling or something to help you leave if you decide to do that?

 

From my observations, hurtful people rarely change. Is there anything good about this guy?

[pumpkin23]

Your husband obviously has little respect for you, and knows you'll take it--that's why he leaves his dirtied tissues all over. That, or he's just really lazy or forgetful.

 

Look, this man is addicted to pornography. He isn't making any attempts to make you feel desirable or beautiful--he just makes you feel ugly and old by looking at porn and porn of young "legal" teenagers.

 

In my opinion two people in a serious relationship shouldn't be looking at porn unless it's a mutual type of thing. Modern porn in my opinion desecrates women and in general isn't good for a long term relationship. It destroys relationships. Your husband at this point has chosen pornography over you.

 

You need to start to get yourself together. Don't sleep in the same bed as him--show him that you have officially separated the relationship. If he still wants you and truly loves you, he will go to counseling to stop his addiction and to be able to be with you again (by living up to your demands, which is no more porn). If he makes no move to improve or gain your affections once again, divorce him (well that was the plan in the first place, of course). But before you divorce him, get into therapy for your anxiety and use your education to find a full time job. It's possible you may need to go back to school to get extra credentials. So be it. Work on YOU. This man will be bewildered when he sees you as a confident and independent gorgeous woman.

[pumpkin23]

BTW, the people on here saying you need to change YOURSELF and accept his addiction and even watch it with him--essentially, that it's YOUR fault--are WRONG. That is such a sickening response. The only changing of yourself you need to do is to better yourself and bring your foot down.

 

Maybe some people have no problem with pornography, but trust me, all my girlfriends would have a major problem if their boyfriend or husband was watching porn. People that generalize saying women like watching it are usually wrong (that's a generalization).

 

Divorce this jerk and get your life in order.

[angie2443]

BTW, the people on here saying you need to change YOURSELF and accept his addiction and even watch it with him--essentially, that it's YOUR fault--are WRONG. That is such a sickening response. The only changing of yourself you need to do is to better yourself and bring your foot down.

 

.

 

Not everyone is saying this. Also, a couple of the posters here seem to like to "stir the pot". I've seen them on other threads saying inflamitory things. I would just ignore them.

[scaredandalone1223]

 

Maybe some people have no problem with pornography, but trust me, all my girlfriends would have a major problem if their boyfriend or husband was watching porn. People that generalize saying women like watching it are usually wrong (that's a generalization).

 

Divorce this jerk and get your life in order.

 

Really? NONE of your friend's husbands or boyfriends watch porn? If you have more than say 5 friends either your friends are lying to you or their SO is lying to them. As far as women watching porn I won't generalize I can only speak from experience. I am a female and I enjoy porn from time to time! My husband enjoys it as well. It is a form of entertainment, same as music, movies, and video games just with extra benefits. That is how we, my husband and I, view it. We use it to enhance our sex life and after 13 years of marriage I'm proud to say we still have a very fulfilling sex life!!

 

My point wasn't to place blame on the poster. My point was simply that there are other things to try before running to divorce court over this.

 

The guy is not addicted to porn! Is he doing it more than many men....Yes, is it causing a problem in this relationship....Yes, but Google porn addiction if he is using magazines and a few videos when his wife is pretending she is asleep that is a FAR cry from addiction.

 

The poster explained to US how she was feeling but I saw nowhere where she had sat down and TALKED to her husband about it. The lack of communication is the far bigger problem that needs to be addressed.

 

By sleeping on the couch and withdrawing from her husband and not discussing the issue rationally is not helping the issue in any way. When men have affairs it's because they are (usually) not getting their needs met at home. Whether that be physically or emotionally. Right now his 'affair' is with a magazine and personally that seems a lot better to me than the alternative.

 

I'm not saying porn is right for everyone. If you don't like it don't watch it.

 

If the marriage is good in other areas then I would first and foremost suggest sitting down and having an honest, open discussion about your sex life. Without becoming angry or condescending discuss how his use of porn makes you feel. Schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor who can help open the lines of communication and restore your sex life. At that time you may find that he doesn't need porn anymore or that you actually enjoy it with him.

 

I can't emphasis enough the problem here is NOT the porn it's COMMUNICATION!!!!

[Ginnyallalone]

Hi and thanks to those who replied too my post. I was a little discouraged by a few of your responses, but I did ask. I wrote a lot of detail about this one situation, but not our entire marriage. I really wanted to hear what some of you thought about the recent porn binge. I actually thought my post was too long, But I will give more details for those of you that need them. Please don’t answer me if you are going to say something simple like, “all marriage get into sexual slumps…blah blah…I am not from mars.

 

 

Some things:

I am not a prude. I am an artist who was always happy with her body and fun about sex...but I want it between my lover and me not anyone else. Sure, I masturbate, I don't expect him NOT too. I agree Penthouse letters is not a really a big deal. But when he gets Barely Legal and 3 DVD’s and hides them….there is my problem, especially when he knows young girl porn is the worst to me. Also, we have a dial up internet and not a ton of money so whomever posted that he could be buying worse porn…I think he would if we had the money and he had his own computer.

 

About me wanting help from my family. I don’t expect money from anyone, what I met was that I don’t have anyone to even go spend a weekend with to get away from him. I don’t have a close family that will support me EMOTIONALLY during this time.

 

About anxiety: Anxiety popped into my life when my husband was unemployed about a year after I lost my mother in hospice. Not having her talk to while my husband was unemployed and useless sent me into anxiety. I recognized what it was and got therapy. I was proactive and got it under control. It has popped back up recently due to his moods, a recent move, and my car died 6 weeks ago and we can't afford to replace it. I think it was mean of some of you to say just get a good job blah blah, obviously I am in a bad spot in my life or I would not have sought advice from strangers on the internet. Have you heard about the economy? Anyway, I plan to go to my MD next week and talk to him about the reoccurrence.

 

About sex:

Our sex life was fun... But I was naive; never saw his porn …found out later he had porn hidden for years.... So sex was fun until about 5 yrs into our marriage he started to glaringly not want as much sex as me. That is when porn movies came into our house per his suggestions, what the hell, I tried it. A trend started, porn and sex, hardly sex without porn. I was okay with that for a while, I loved him. But then he lost a major job blah blah, he is depressed, blah blah, and no sex- Life **** happens, not going to go into it, we all have ups and downs.

I have discussed nicely to my husband our issues many times, and we have fought over them too.

 

 

 

 

 

So After my initial freak out his 20 month use of flickr for porn we sat down calmly and I told him that the worst thing about all this was that I can't understand how he could risk his job by looking a porn at work. And secondly, that he put real photos of himself pictures on a porn site. (when I asked him why he posted pictures of himself, he said that he got more people, men and women, to send him their pictures if he had some up too) Really what hurt me the most was A Best Friend would never do this to their Best Friend. No answer. Asked him if he wanted something more than I could give like, an open marriage, etc. etc. no answer. I told him we are best friends, we should be able to help each other and if we can't mesh, we can't mesh. He wouldn't talk anymore. But do not think we I haven’t talk more with him, asked for him to go to therapy, to exercise more, take a freaking vitamin…he did nothing.

 

 

Since then, yes I have tried to talk about sex, give him sex, asked him about therapy etc

 

 

Finally, I have to ask; didn’t men masturbate before porn was so wildly available? Yes they did, but I bet they also worked on what turned on their wives on more than men do now. I bet if a cute woman turned them on during the day they went home and took their wives a little more passionately that night then running to the bathroom with porn to jack off. Now if things slip up in the bedroom, porn is right there, you don’t even have to be embarrassed to buy it anymore, even at the store.

 

And after reading some of your responses I realize that it is truly is what I think that matters. It is not like I have not talked with him about this, told him that I feel I can’t compare with porn, told him that it takes away from his desire for me, and that his masturbation is most likely why he doesn’t want as much sex. But down deep he just isn’t as deep as a person as I am, and he has sexual esteem problems that he isn’t fixing.

 

 

 

Just because I have the tunnel that he has to get permission to enter does not mean that I am responsible for his sexual self esteem. Yes, we women have to open the tunnel and let him in, but that does not make it all the women's fault when they are in a sexless or bad sex marriage. We women need to realize that. Seems in society when you hear sexless marriage it is automatically assumed that the women has closed off the tunnel.

 

 

I guess I knew when I posted this that I just wanted some agreement that a man leaving semen filled tissues lying out in the open and for their wives to see is not normal. But I guess I have to believe in my feelings, because I think that if he indeed did just cluelessly left them lying around(like someone said here) – then I married simpleton. If he is doing it on purpose to hurt me – after all the history with sex/porn – then I married a simpleton. If he has no self confidence when it comes to sex…that started before he met me for sure. So the post i don't agree with helped too. thanks

 

 

 

I was surprised when more people weren’t discussed by his recent behavior, boy I really thought men and women would be more evolved by now…we seem to be slipping…thank god I don’t have any daughters that have to make their way in this world. So, I thank you all and will take any advice you think you would like me to hear.

[TBH]

remember everyone on this site came here because they had/have relationship issues. i'm sure most members here have had some issue with sex in a relationship in their lives at some point, so everyone has an opinion and are very free with sharing them!

 

all i can say is how i would feel if i were you and I would feel the same. of course relationships are about compromise, but that doesnt mean sacrificing your principals or emotional well-being in order to please your partner.

 

the fact is, if you are unhappy with something, that is your right alone to feel that way. it does not have to be justified and suggesting that you should just put out more or want to be involved in your husbands porn for his sake is insensitive and kind of rude IMO.

 

you want what everyone wants which is to be fulfilled sexually and emotionally within your relationship.

you have reached out to your husband to let him know how you feel in case he simply did not realise. he doesn't respond.

 

you are not a niave stupid woman with no understanding or acceptance of a person's use of pornography, you know everyone looks at it and have no problem with that as long as it doesnt take up more time and interest than you, which it clearly does.

 

People really like to debate this porn issue but in all honesty it probably could be any interest that takes so much of your partners attention away from you.

 

the only advice i can give is to follow your gut. if you truely feel you have given it your all and there is no hope left then so be it. you would not be wrong for leaving, you can only bend so much for someone else before you break.

Edited August 25, 2011 by TBH

[OnyxSnowfall]

Hi and thanks to those who replied too my post. I was a little discouraged by a few of your responses, but I did ask. I wrote a lot of detail about this one situation, but not our entire marriage. I really wanted to hear what some of you thought about the recent porn binge. I actually thought my post was too long, But I will give more details for those of you that need them. Please don’t answer me if you are going to say something simple like, “all marriage get into sexual slumps…blah blah…I am not from mars.

 

 

Some things:

I am not a prude. I am an artist who was always happy with her body and fun about sex...but I want it between my lover and me not anyone else. Sure, I masturbate, I don't expect him NOT too. I agree Penthouse letters is not a really a big deal. But when he gets Barely Legal and 3 DVD’s and hides them….there is my problem, especially when he knows young girl porn is the worst to me. Also, we have a dial up internet and not a ton of money so whomever posted that he could be buying worse porn…I think he would if we had the money and he had his own computer.

 

About me wanting help from my family. I don’t expect money from anyone, what I met was that I don’t have anyone to even go spend a weekend with to get away from him. I don’t have a close family that will support me EMOTIONALLY during this time.

 

About anxiety: Anxiety popped into my life when my husband was unemployed about a year after I lost my mother in hospice. Not having her talk to while my husband was unemployed and useless sent me into anxiety. I recognized what it was and got therapy. I was proactive and got it under control. It has popped back up recently due to his moods, a recent move, and my car died 6 weeks ago and we can't afford to replace it. I think it was mean of some of you to say just get a good job blah blah, obviously I am in a bad spot in my life or I would not have sought advice from strangers on the internet. Have you heard about the economy? Anyway, I plan to go to my MD next week and talk to him about the reoccurrence.

 

About sex:

Our sex life was fun... But I was naive; never saw his porn …found out later he had porn hidden for years.... So sex was fun until about 5 yrs into our marriage he started to glaringly not want as much sex as me. That is when porn movies came into our house per his suggestions, what the hell, I tried it. A trend started, porn and sex, hardly sex without porn. I was okay with that for a while, I loved him. But then he lost a major job blah blah, he is depressed, blah blah, and no sex- Life **** happens, not going to go into it, we all have ups and downs.

I have discussed nicely to my husband our issues many times, and we have fought over them too.

 

 

 

 

 

So After my initial freak out his 20 month use of flickr for porn we sat down calmly and I told him that the worst thing about all this was that I can't understand how he could risk his job by looking a porn at work. And secondly, that he put real photos of himself pictures on a porn site. (when I asked him why he posted pictures of himself, he said that he got more people, men and women, to send him their pictures if he had some up too) Really what hurt me the most was A Best Friend would never do this to their Best Friend. No answer. Asked him if he wanted something more than I could give like, an open marriage, etc. etc. no answer. I told him we are best friends, we should be able to help each other and if we can't mesh, we can't mesh. He wouldn't talk anymore. But do not think we I haven’t talk more with him, asked for him to go to therapy, to exercise more, take a freaking vitamin…he did nothing.

 

 

Since then, yes I have tried to talk about sex, give him sex, asked him about therapy etc

 

 

Finally, I have to ask; didn’t men masturbate before porn was so wildly available? Yes they did, but I bet they also worked on what turned on their wives on more than men do now. I bet if a cute woman turned them on during the day they went home and took their wives a little more passionately that night then running to the bathroom with porn to jack off. Now if things slip up in the bedroom, porn is right there, you don’t even have to be embarrassed to buy it anymore, even at the store.

 

And after reading some of your responses I realize that it is truly is what I think that matters. It is not like I have not talked with him about this, told him that I feel I can’t compare with porn, told him that it takes away from his desire for me, and that his masturbation is most likely why he doesn’t want as much sex. But down deep he just isn’t as deep as a person as I am, and he has sexual esteem problems that he isn’t fixing.

 

 

 

Just because I have the tunnel that he has to get permission to enter does not mean that I am responsible for his sexual self esteem. Yes, we women have to open the tunnel and let him in, but that does not make it all the women's fault when they are in a sexless or bad sex marriage. We women need to realize that. Seems in society when you hear sexless marriage it is automatically assumed that the women has closed off the tunnel.

 

 

I guess I knew when I posted this that I just wanted some agreement that a man leaving semen filled tissues lying out in the open and for their wives to see is not normal. But I guess I have to believe in my feelings, because I think that if he indeed did just cluelessly left them lying around(like someone said here) – then I married simpleton. If he is doing it on purpose to hurt me – after all the history with sex/porn – then I married a simpleton. If he has no self confidence when it comes to sex…that started before he met me for sure. So the post i don't agree with helped too. thanks

 

 

 

I was surprised when more people weren’t discussed by his recent behavior, boy I really thought men and women would be more evolved by now…we seem to be slipping…thank god I don’t have any daughters that have to make their way in this world. So, I thank you all and will take any advice you think you would like me to hear.

 

Your situation sounds more complex beyond what you can change alone.

If your husband is not willing to seek help and deal with his issues, then what other options do you have? I personally would be unable to cope with your situation... and I would likely leave myself. Now, if you're intent on leaving your husband but are waiting around until it's more ideal (practical) to do so...

 

What about minimizing your contact with him as much as possible: if there are free classes in your area, sign up for them (even if it's something like learning sign language [sometimes libraries offer them] or finding local support groups that mingle [perhaps even yoga]). If you are into art, what about taking an art class (if you can find a relatively cheap one) or making art and putting it in any kind of local fairs/art galleries etc. If you are in need of transportation... are there buses you can take? What about riding a bicycle? (I don't know the lay-out of where you're resided... so you'd be a better judge of how sensible getting out is... but assuming it's possible...).

 

What about getting out and meeting new people? Trying to make some friends. Look into the financial aid resources in your area and see if there's anything that can help you while you branch out during these tough economic times.

 

Your husband's obviously not respecting your feelings and hasn't been for quite some time... you don't have to put up with it. It takes two to make a marriage work. If he doesn't want to work on your marriage, you don't have to allow him to continually subject you to things that hurt you. Hopefully soon you'll see his actions for the silly and pathetic things they are and they'll no longer impact you negatively.

 

The best thing I can suggest is to take it one day at a time. You can actively forge a new path for yourself (as in looking for work, perhaps a new residence in a different area???) while trying to reclaim joy in life too. It doesn't seem your husband is interested in what's best for either of you... so it's up to you to rely on yourself to create what's best for you.

Edited August 25, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[angie2443]

The above posts by OnyxSnowfall and TBH offer really good advice. I wouldn't waste time defending your position in your relationship or your views on port to a bunch of strangers on the web. You have way more important things to take care of. Take care of your self.

[active_frm]

mesajınız için teşekkürler. yararlı buldum

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Ginny, you aren't alone. Porn is a big issue for many men and some women in this day and age. In my own experience, I think porn has ruined a lot of men toward what sex should be like and what sex is. It's hard finding a man that knows what good sex is anymore. I personally think porn actually kills passion, not enhances it. Because it's just there all the time now. The second you feel a little twinge in your privates you can run to porn. You don't give yourself that self control anymore to let that passion burn.

 

Yes, you have reasons to be hurt and concerned.

Yes, looking at barely legal porn when you're a grown man is unattractive, gross and scarey as a woman.

Yes, in reality, no woman can compete with porn. It offers to many visual options that no one woman can compre with and changes the mindset of the brain. People like to deny how it changes their mental-sexual make-up, but it does.

Yes, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and sexy.

Yes, a friend and lover would care to make the relationship improved if you were struggling in it.

 

It sounds like your man has shut down.

 

 

If your partner is unwilling to change anything about himself or the situation then it might be time to leave. You shouldn't stay in a miserable situation with a man that doesn't even care to meet in the middle. In most cases I would tell you to work on it, but it's impossible to work on something when the other partner doesn't even want to talk about the issue.

 

Like others have said, follow your gut. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I see so many women deal with this same issue and it never gets easier. I can't stress it enough but there is a fundementally serious issue going on with men and porn that people don't want to admit to.

[scaredandalone1223]

Thank you for posting more information. The issue here does seem to be much deeper than what your original post conveys.

 

I still don't know if I would consider him a 'porn addict', but his involvement is no doubt unhealthy for your relationship.

 

I think he is using it as a tool to combat boredom. Does he have other interests or hobbies?

 

I really think counseling would be very beneficial to you both. Let him know he either tries it or your out of there. Like the others said follow your gut.

[FarmGirl]

Ginny, you aren't alone. Porn is a big issue for many men and some women in this day and age. In my own experience, I think porn has ruined a lot of men toward what sex should be like and what sex is. It's hard finding a man that knows what good sex is anymore. I personally think porn actually kills passion, not enhances it. Because it's just there all the time now. The second you feel a little twinge in your privates you can run to porn. You don't give yourself that self control anymore to let that passion burn.

 

Yes, you have reasons to be hurt and concerned.

Yes, looking at barely legal porn when you're a grown man is unattractive, gross and scarey as a woman.

Yes, in reality, no woman can compete with porn. It offers to many visual options that no one woman can compre with and changes the mindset of the brain. People like to deny how it changes their mental-sexual make-up, but it does.

Yes, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and sexy.

Yes, a friend and lover would care to make the relationship improved if you were struggling in it.

 

It sounds like your man has shut down.

 

 

If your partner is unwilling to change anything about himself or the situation then it might be time to leave. You shouldn't stay in a miserable situation with a man that doesn't even care to meet in the middle. In most cases I would tell you to work on it, but it's impossible to work on something when the other partner doesn't even want to talk about the issue.

 

Like others have said, follow your gut. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I see so many women deal with this same issue and it never gets easier. I can't stress it enough but there is a fundementally serious issue going on with men and porn that people don't want to admit to.

 

 

Thank you for writing this.

[Avihenda]

This reminds me of another thread on here. The husband is treating his partner like dirt and many of the posters are focusing on one aspect of the husband, his drinking issue, and not looking at the whole picture.

 

What I think when I read your post, OP is, "who cares if he's addicted to porn". He doesn't treat you well. He is harmful to you (on purpose it seems) and is doing some some creepy things. I may be wrong, but I think the porn is a weapon he uses to hurt you, invade your space (the tissues) and make you feel low. It appears to be working. I know you mentioned anxiety problems. I don't remember if you've said that had these problems before you met your husband or after. Can you get counsiling or something to help you leave if you decide to do that?

 

From my observations, hurtful people rarely change. Is there anything good about this guy?

 

I agree with this poster. Your husband is being passive agressive and knowing the porn bothers you - throwing it in your face. You need to work on the problem head on, no wishy washy bull.

 

I'd ask him straight out what he gets from the porn that he doesn't get from you. Maybe he has a closet fetish? Maybe he has needs that you aren't meeting (it obviously goes both ways here, you're not satisfied either).

 

I don't think it's a bad thing for men to watch porn or read it. I think it's quite normal. You haven't described anything out of the ordinary except that he is being BLUNT about the fact that he is taking matters into his own hands.

 

My husband watches porn. In the beginning of our relationship he was honest with me about all the porn sites I found on our computer. He let me know he has a hard time climaxing without using porn. What did I do? I acted some of those same scenarios for him and made porn part of our sex life. Sometimes he even watches porn while I'm orally pleasing him. I thought, why not? If it helps him get off, then I'm all for it.

 

In your case the porn seems to upset you so I don't see you working it out quite the same way as we did. I don't think your husband is addicted to porn, so much as he is using it to substitute it for a healthy sex life you're lacking.

 

You seem upset that he was flirting with ladies that don't look like you on flickr. Maybe they were what was available and willing? I would put my money on that and not he wants a different type of woman.

 

I hope you decide to work out your marriage rather than leaving. Counseling, sex therapy...you can work it out if you are both willing.