English-Rose Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Well.... After 2 months of nc, initiated by me, the ex has gotten in touch with me again. All very innocent, just asking how i am and telling me some reasonably personal stuff about his life. No hint that he is in any way romantically interested in me. Just find it weird that he has started the contact again. Oh well time will tell if his intentions are pure! I have no idea what i want. Am happy on one hand to hear from him, I missed him a lot but.... On the other I would rather he missed me in the same way. Who knows what goes on in his mind!! Don't know what to do..... I hate being in this position! Sorry for offloading, I will get over this one of these days. He's just determined not to let me it seems!
Nsweet Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 He does miss you and care about you but your ex's ego won't allow him to so directly. I call this method the "check up" because he is checking up on you in order to know how you are doing. This usually takes place after he has rationalized the breakup and gotten over the anger or resentment. This is by no means the final stage to reconciliation and most likely the half way mark for your NC. Just continue NC completely and wait for two or three more contacts where he will get more desperate and finally be somewhat apologetic or accepting.
Author English-Rose Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 How personal? Stuff about the custody of his children and how he feels about it. Not stuff he would discuss with just anyone. He's very private about his life in general. I know he misses me as his confidante and his friend, we had a very deep bond after all as most people do have in loving relationships. The thing is he is seeing someone else now so my decision to go nc was for my own sake and I wondered if it might make him miss me properly..... I am none the wiser now than I was before! I wouldn't get involved with him while he's seeing someone else, that's just not something I do. I guess I'll just have to see how things pan out over time....
Nsweet Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 His now relationship is nothing more than a quick rebound to help ease the pain of the breakout. Most of the time this person is just the quickest he could find with a similar personality to yours, but the relationship is doomed to fail based souly on attraction to keep them together with little or no comfort. Sooner or later they always begin to have doubts about the rebound relationship, no mater how good that person is because there was no grieving period to get over the ex. No one is ever quite like the original. Give him the space he needs, or if look at it another way "the gift of space" until you are healed and ready to talk. If he ever mentions his partner take it as a good sign and show your happiness for him in good spirit. Whatever you do don't get upset or jealous unless you want to lose all future chances. The best option is to seem as though you have moved on but with a possibility to be won over someday. You know it's completely contradictory and paradoxical, but I've had this work for me many times by just being "wonderful and desireless". You know staying positive and being nice in the face or challenge and not chasing them or letting anything they could say or do get to me. I've been through a lot this year with death,divorce,depression,diagnosis, and refuse to let anything affect the one thing I can control "how I feel". Don't let anyone get you down!
EgoJoe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Despite the fact that I am somewhat clashing with Nsweet in a different thread I am about 80-90% in agreement with his previous post. The exception to overwhelming positivity would be in a healthy "Friend-Friend" expression of boundaries and invitation to hold himself accountable and problem solve and not use you as an emotional dumping ground.
Author English-Rose Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Thanks for ur advice, it's very much appreciated interestingly and by sheer coincidence, I received a personal message on facebook from my ex's friend quite out of the blue. We chat occassionally but not for quite a while. He was telling me that during a recent weekend away for a mutual friends wedding my ex and his new gf were not getting on that well. He described them as being turbulent and not all that lovey dovey. I know that this mate of my ex's was telling me that in confidence and that my ex would go mad if he thought his mate tells me anything about him. His mate liked me and said he had been disappointed when we had split up as he'd enjoyed us double dating with him and his gf, who I am also friendly with. It was interesting to hear that all was not well in paradise with my ex and gf and in a way shed a little light on him contacting me again. I don't want to be his fall back girl or his rebound from his rebound if that makes sense? I agree about not being his emotional dumping ground and I'm not that at the moment anyway. I care a lot about him and his children and am flattered I guess that he would still tell me such personal stuff. Unless that's just his way of winning sympathy and softening my reception to him.... Oh it's confusing!! Lol!
Kamila Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Well.... After 2 months of nc, initiated by me, the ex has gotten in touch with me again. All very innocent, just asking how i am and telling me some reasonably personal stuff about his life. No hint that he is in any way romantically interested in me. Just find it weird that he has started the contact again. Oh well time will tell if his intentions are pure! I have no idea what i want. Am happy on one hand to hear from him, I missed him a lot but.... On the other I would rather he missed me in the same way. Who knows what goes on in his mind!! Don't know what to do..... I hate being in this position! Sorry for offloading, I will get over this one of these days. He's just determined not to let me it seems! It's indeed confusing. The ex tries to checkup with you but you have no idea of his intentions. Mine has been doing that for a year and the last 6 months i even haven't responded to his mails. It's like he's starting a monologue :s. Well, have you asked the question in your mind of what you really want of him? And is he able to deliver? I'm asking because i'm also doing too much thinking about my ex and whether i should just let him go and concentrate my emotions on something new. Life's too short and people only change through action i guess...
Author English-Rose Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Hi Kamila I wish that my ex, and everyone elses for that matter, would just be honest and forthright regarding what they want from us. It gives us the information we need to make a final decision on what WE want. I am finding that my rose tinted specs are losing their glow regarding him and though I still care about him and have deep rooted feelings for him, I no longer feel the clutching pain and panic I had for the first few months after our split. It's been nearly 5 months. I think after this amount of time and the last two months being total nc, he should know what he wants one way or another and be man enough to just tell me. I am sick of the games. A friend of mine who is 50 years old and I consider to have lots of life experience, has bet me a sizeable amount of money that my ex is going to try and get back together with me. I actually don't think so!!
Nsweet Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I believe at some point or another every ex NC is used against feels rejected and thus reaches out,not for contact, for comfort. You see they may have told you something along of the lines of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", but no body falls immediately out of love and may keep attempting to contact you in order to sooth their own guilt. Once you start ignoring their requests for comfort or validation that they made the right decision, second thoughts come into mind somewhere after after anger or manipulating attempts, and rejection or depression. Given the level of intamacy you shared, certain pleasurable memories of what that partner used to have are bound to come back and make them requestion everything.
Author English-Rose Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 The not being in love bit was never the issue. The reason we split was complicated and I can't go into it here. But anyway the feelings were very much still there in both sides when split.
Recommended Posts