Great guy, great dates for a month - but he just changed his online dating profile

[bluenightowl]

Ah, gotcha.

 

I also tend to think that wiffle-waffling over the question of seeing other people is usually a negative sign. I guess that what I meant with my first post (about scaring people away) is that if someone is on the fence about dating you exclusively, asking them to make that decision might make them feel pressured and hence, they'd just say "no" to extricate themselves from that situation. I think it obviously depends on HOW you ask too. Like you said, there's a huge difference between "I'm interested in you and no one else" and "I don't want you to date other people." Like the difference between, "I like you and I'm just wondering where this is going" and "When are you going to make it official?" (pressuring) or "You're not dating anyone else, are you?" (accusatory) or "Buuuut I slept with you!?" (nuclear) [and of course tone is going to matter]

 

I wish she'd come back. [op]

 

I think this is good way to communicate by talking about how YOU feel and not what you want them to do or behave. In this case, however, if the answer is negative or they look freaked out by you even suggesting you don't want to date other people, then what?

 

Some posters suggest just FZing them or not calling as much. To me, you need to be a bit more direct, and tell them, something along the lines of

 

"we seem to be in different places at the moment, perhaps we can try again in the future, but for now it might be better to take a break"

 

I think if the answer is negative or worse you find out they are sleeping with other people and that really bothers you, you should tell the person why you plan to not see each other in the future and forget about calling less, just move on and be polite about it.

[zengirl]

Ah, gotcha.

 

I also tend to think that wiffle-waffling over the question of seeing other people is usually a negative sign. I guess that what I meant with my first post (about scaring people away) is that if someone is on the fence about dating you exclusively, asking them to make that decision might make them feel pressured and hence, they'd just say "no" to extricate themselves from that situation. I think it obviously depends on HOW you ask too. Like you said, there's a huge difference between "I'm interested in you and no one else" and "I don't want you to date other people." Like the difference between, "I like you and I'm just wondering where this is going" and "When are you going to make it official?" (pressuring) or "You're not dating anyone else, are you?" (accusatory) or "Buuuut I slept with you!?" (nuclear) [and of course tone is going to matter]

 

I wish she'd come back. [op]

 

Right. You have to come from a place where you feel secure and accepting of whatever answer (even though you obviously can WANT one outcome more, that's fine) you get.

 

As for scaring people, depends on the people you want, I guess. I'm not generally into pressuring people anyway, so I don't feel like me asserting how I feel and what I want is ever done in a pressuring way (I accept that the outcome may be something other than what I want). HOWEVER, if a guy is unsure whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me, I would pretty much say either (a) he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, (b) he's not ready for a relationship at this time or in the near future, or © he is wishy washy/has trouble committing/has trouble deciding what he wants. Since © is something altogether unattractive to me, I don't need to worry about it---if that's the case? Good riddance. We'd never work.

 

If it's (a), that's obviously important to know, and if it's (b), I see it as no different from (a) in the present moment----and the present is all that matters. I'm not going to hang around, hoping something changes. But that's just me. If I want a certain kind of relationship, I'm not going to hang around a guy who's not into that, whether it's "not into it right now" or "not into it ever" or "not into it with you" or "not into it with anyone" but I realize other people can have different views.

 

The OP's view was just really, really confusing, so I've no idea what she wants/needs from this, really.

 

I think if the answer is negative or worse you find out they are sleeping with other people and that really bothers you, you should tell the person why you plan to not see each other in the future and forget about calling less, just move on and be polite about it.

 

I completely agree. I would just tell that person that he was obviously not in the same place as me and not for me. IME: This would 90% of the time result in said guy pretending he was now suddenly a relationship guy who totally wanted to be with me, because that's how such guys work, but I'd never be with him in that weirdo rubberband scenario. Not my cuppa.

[shayla]

If you have not had the talk, and if he was not the one to bring it up, please assume that he is meeting, greeting, and having sex with others. A man can seperate sex from love and will have sex with you up till the date he marries someone else.

[thatone]

lack of confidence is a red flag, logano, in women just as it is in men.

 

sitting around waiting for him to do things you imagine is a perfect way to breed failure in a relationship. look at what you're doing, you're complaining to us about something you want from him, but haven't told him you want. think about how ridiculous that is.

 

grow up.

[bluenightowl]

I completely agree. I would just tell that person that he was obviously not in the same place as me and not for me. IME: This would 90% of the time result in said guy pretending he was now suddenly a relationship guy who totally wanted to be with me, because that's how such guys work, but I'd never be with him in that weirdo rubberband scenario. Not my cuppa.

 

Women can be like that too these days. I think having a talk can scare some people who are not sure what they want, but then deciding to end it, can have the opposite effect, and suddenly the same person who needed space suddenly wants you so much.

 

Rejection almost always makes people look attractive because it says, I'm just as happy to be on my own and I don't need you to make me happy.

[shayla]

I'm inclined to agree with the view that he should bring up exclusivity, but at a certain point - and i don't know when this is - i want to know how he feels about me. He must like me or he wouldn't continually ask me out, but beyond that i have no idea how he feels about me. I don't want to scare him off, although i don't think he'd get scared, but he might "do the right thing" and agree to exclusivity just because he's that kind of guy. Not because it is what he necessarily wants. And I don't want that.

Ugh.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

 

This was what made me reply to your original post. But if you feel that we don't know you or your situation and you are blasting those that gave you advice, you probably should not ask for advice in the first place.

 

good luck.

[thatone]

you don't want him to do it, you're scared of doing it yourself, your only consideration is you.

 

just ask him.

 

if you can't talk to him about that out of misplaced fear, what else will you not be able to talk to him about? eventually you'll get mad at him for something he doesn't even know is a problem and he'll be telling some other girl he picks up in a bar about how crazy you were, and how glad he is to be rid of you.

[logano]

He called me last night to say that his feelings weren't progressing. He really liked me, had fun with me, thought the chemistry we shared was great, but....his feeling weren't progressing. It shocked the hell out of me. Apart from my creepy internet dating website snooping, everything was going really well. And getting better! Just two nights prior he called just to tell me that he had a great time with me over the weekend and to wish me a good night. And two days later his feeling aren't progressing? What changed? Everyone I have told this to has the same exact reaction: "What doe that mean?" He couldn't elaborate.

Regardless, I'll never know the real reason because i don't know him well enough. But I think that being 42 and wanting a family really badly, he might be looking to fall in love asap. Or not: maybe it was never there and that's why he was on the dating site from day one. Maybe these four dates were him "giving it a chance" . But if that's the case, he an amazing actor. The little things he did, his thoughtfulness, cuddling with me while he slept... I've only felt that way about one other guy- my ex of 10 years.

I did ask him if he was dating anyone and he said he wasn't - I was his first in 7 months. And I absolutely believe him because I trust him and i also know that practically speaking he's way to busy..

Regardless, none of this really matters because at the end of the day, he doesn't want me and that just plain hurts.

Thank you all for your comments and support.

Logano

[Star Gazer]

If you're dating and sleeping with a guy who you don't want seeing/sleeping with others, but who makes a conscience choice to update his profile, it can only mean one thing: He caught you, and threw you back (or is letting you rot in the boat), and is trying new bait in the hopes of catching someone else.

[Star Gazer]

Wait, you only had four dates? And from your OP it sounds like you slept with him on more than one occasion?

 

When did you first have sex with him? Bingo bango.

[Star Gazer]

conscious choice

 

Whops. Fixed.

[zengirl]

He called me last night to say that his feelings weren't progressing. He really liked me, had fun with me, thought the chemistry we shared was great, but....his feeling weren't progressing. It shocked the hell out of me. Apart from my creepy internet dating website snooping, everything was going really well. And getting better! Just two nights prior he called just to tell me that he had a great time with me over the weekend and to wish me a good night. And two days later his feeling aren't progressing? What changed? Everyone I have told this to has the same exact reaction: "What doe that mean?" He couldn't elaborate.

Regardless, I'll never know the real reason because i don't know him well enough. But I think that being 42 and wanting a family really badly, he might be looking to fall in love asap. Or not: maybe it was never there and that's why he was on the dating site from day one. Maybe these four dates were him "giving it a chance" . But if that's the case, he an amazing actor. The little things he did, his thoughtfulness, cuddling with me while he slept... I've only felt that way about one other guy- my ex of 10 years.

I did ask him if he was dating anyone and he said he wasn't - I was his first in 7 months. And I absolutely believe him because I trust him and i also know that practically speaking he's way to busy..

Regardless, none of this really matters because at the end of the day, he doesn't want me and that just plain hurts.

Thank you all for your comments and support.

Logano

 

Four dates is really a drop in the bucket. If you're getting attached that quickly, it's likely more chemical than anything, and you're going to have clouded judgement. (Not meant as an attack---just trying to explain why perhaps his feelings weren't progressing. Men don't have the same chemical reactions to sex and touch as women --- they have their own, but they manifest differently.)

 

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened, but. . . well, it happens. That's why I personally take things kind of slowly in the beginning, but to each their own.

 

The thoughtfulness was likely just his personality. Thoughtful guys are going to be thoughtful, and he's being thoughtful in telling you he's not feeling like this is going to progress. That's actually REALLY a good guy sign. He's just not the guy for you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sorry, too, that you went through this. I think that the feeling of hurt when you are rejected by someone you have been developing feelings for, even if it's been short term, can be very sharp. But, since it was short term, I promise you that the hurt will fade pretty quickly.

 

Have you learned anything from this experience?

 

From what I read, I think there are important lessons here for you.

 

Particularly, I don't think you are being honest with yourself, or you don't know yourself very well, when you say that you won't hold off on having sex until you're "exclusive."

 

I do NOT think it's wrong to have sex casually - but your reaction to this situation makes it pretty clear that you did NOT have sex casually.

 

Also, sometimes, feelings "progress" a lot better if sex is not in the mix for a while.

 

And, further - if ANY guy or girl is in a sexual relationship with another person and is still active in OLD - they are NOT looking at the current sexual relationship as one with serious potential. Unless they're polyamorous.

 

A person is not giving a relationship a serious chance of any kind if they are experiencing it while still being open to "something better."

 

A dating profile can be hidden. It doesn't mean you're getting married. It just means that you are focussing on this one while you learn what's up with each other. Unless it's just plain and simple casual sex going on (which I never did myself), in my rather extensive online dating history both the men and myself just automatically hid our profiles if we were exploring a connection - without discussing it, and without feeling "exclusive."

 

If this isn't happening when you're getting involved with a guy ... it's no secret. He is probably not very invested in whatever's going on with you or future potential with you.

 

Since you got hurt, I hope you won't make the same choices again.

 

Dating is pretty hard, especially when you've been out of it for a long time. I can relate.

[bluenightowl]

Four dates is really a drop in the bucket. If you're getting attached that quickly, it's likely more chemical than anything, and you're going to have clouded judgement. (Not meant as an attack---just trying to explain why perhaps his feelings weren't progressing. Men don't have the same chemical reactions to sex and touch as women --- they have their own, but they manifest differently.)

 

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened, but. . . well, it happens. That's why I personally take things kind of slowly in the beginning, but to each their own.

 

The thoughtfulness was likely just his personality. Thoughtful guys are going to be thoughtful, and he's being thoughtful in telling you he's not feeling like this is going to progress. That's actually REALLY a good guy sign. He's just not the guy for you.

 

Actually, I think the research shows that men get attached more quickly than women. 3-4 dates for men and 4-6 for women. Women take their time to decide, but once they decide they lock in. Men tend to decide very quickly.

 

I agree that 4 dates isn't that much, but if you review these forums, sometimes people know quite early that they like someone, and some of the more painful breakups come from people who never got to see the 'bad' side of a person. They are frozen in the positive and that makes it hard to get over a person.

[zengirl]

Actually, I think the research shows that men get attached more quickly than women. 3-4 dates for men and 4-6 for women. Women take their time to decide, but once they decide they lock in. Men tend to decide very quickly.

 

I agree that 4 dates isn't that much, but if you review these forums, sometimes people know quite early that they like someone, and some of the more painful breakups come from people who never got to see the 'bad' side of a person. They are frozen in the positive and that makes it hard to get over a person.

 

I didn't say men didn't get attached or quickly, but it's not usually the sex that does as much as with women. I think the OP likely got more attached because of the early sex thing, was my point, whereas that doesn't really help attach a man.

 

I've seen all manner of research on it every which way, though a story that goes down the way you say wouldn't surprise me, if you're talking about LTRs that work out. Men do usually tend to "buy in" faster on those.

 

I agree with you on these forums, but usually that heartbreak can be avoided if you learn to realize that it takes some time to get to know a person and judge compatibility before you get so invested that it causes major hurt. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong style; that's just something I believe people should at least know exists as a choice.

[torn_curtain]

Sex can definitely confuse you. There was a guy I met online and dated briefly over the fall -- we went on like a handful dates and I foolishly had sex with him even though we weren't exclusive. I remember feeling this sudden rush of confusion and faux attachment briefly after the sex, especially because he was all tender and cuddly after. Despite that he made it very clear to me later that he wasn't interested. Now I look back on it and laugh. This is why it's really important to be exclusive before you have sex, unless you're one of the very rare women who can do casual sex without catching feelings.

[bluenightowl]

Now I look back on it and laugh. This is why it's really important to be exclusive before you have sex, unless you're one of the very rare women who can do casual sex without catching feelings.

 

Well those rare woman are dangerous too for guys looking for a LTR, so more and more I think avoid casual sex, talk about it before, or at the very least talk about soon afterwards so you're not wasting your time.

[thatone]

Actually, I think the research shows that men get attached more quickly than women. 3-4 dates for men and 4-6 for women. Women take their time to decide, but once they decide they lock in. Men tend to decide very quickly.

 

I agree that 4 dates isn't that much, but if you review these forums, sometimes people know quite early that they like someone, and some of the more painful breakups come from people who never got to see the 'bad' side of a person. They are frozen in the positive and that makes it hard to get over a person.

 

i agree, my current gf said it pretty well when we had the inevitable talk about that after about 5 or 6 dates, by saying "it feels like you're ahead of me". that's about right, and that's how it usually goes when i meet someone who i think is relationship material, not just dating material.

 

chalk it up to the fact that men are supposed to pursue and initiate, so when you think you have a good one, you want to get her past the points of indecision as quickly as possible to avoid giving her the chance of finding a different option somewhere else.

[bluenightowl]

i agree, my current gf said it pretty well when we had the inevitable talk about that after about 5 or 6 dates, by saying "it feels like you're ahead of me". that's about right, and that's how it usually goes when i meet someone who i think is relationship material, not just dating material.

 

chalk it up to the fact that men are supposed to pursue and initiate, so when you think you have a good one, you want to get her past the points of indecision as quickly as possible to avoid giving her the chance of finding a different option somewhere else.

 

Yes, and this is the problem. Its with the ones you like the most that you rush, which can sometimes lead them to feel you are a bit too keen and they back off or move on.

[bluenightowl]

Also, sometimes, feelings "progress" a lot better if sex is not in the mix for a while.

 

This could be true sometimes. Depends which side of the gender you are on. Sometimes guys who really like a woman would be happy to have sex because they know she might get attached to him. Some men actually want that to happen as rare as it might seem.

 

What you hear more often is women thinking sex will get the man which rarely seems to happen if its early.

 

I think for some people sex will just bring them closer no matter how early and it can still lead to a healthy relationship, but again, these days if you're online dating be very careful. People seem to have too many options and sadly many of us humans get selfish when we can be.

 

And, further - if ANY guy or girl is in a sexual relationship with another person and is still active in OLD - they are NOT looking at the current sexual relationship as one with serious potential. Unless they're polyamorous.

 

I tend to agree with this thought. I suspect they are playing the field a bit. They happy to get sex, but indifferent with whom and esp. so if there are other prospects and dates lined up. You could still end up in a relationship with this type of person, but I've come across cases where years later they are still resentful that the person kept updating their profile. People don't forget they were once an option. I think most people like to think the person they might marry is just as excited about them right from the start.

[zengirl]

This could be true sometimes. Depends which side of the gender you are on. Sometimes guys who really like a woman would be happy to have sex because they know she might get attached to him. Some men actually want that to happen as rare as it might seem.

 

Of course, plenty of men would be happy to have a girl they really like "get attached" to them, though taking it to the extreme where they use sex as a tool for that seems insecure. Sex as a tool? Not something I'm a fan of in general. I also don't think getting chemically attached before you have decided to be attached for all the right reasons is a good/smart idea, personally, but everyone's welcome to their own opinions on that.

 

What you hear more often is women thinking sex will get the man which rarely seems to happen if its early.

 

More insecurity. And you're right that it's ineffective.

 

I think for some people sex will just bring them closer no matter how early and it can still lead to a healthy relationship, but again, these days if you're online dating be very careful. People seem to have too many options and sadly many of us humans get selfish when we can be.

 

I don't think it matters where you're dating. There are tons of options IRL for some people too, so the idea that options changes things always strikes me as odd. I always have more options IRL and less ability to cull them than I ever did in OLD since I have less info about them off the bat (thankfully, all options anywhere are currently irrelevant to me).

 

At any rate, sure early sex can work out, but if you're not just having sex for fun and you really want a relationship with the person, it's best to get on the same page before sex. "Best" meaning less drama and less emotional dissonance for you (general you). Which isn't difficult---it just involves communicating how you feel.

[bluenightowl]

At any rate, sure early sex can work out, but if you're not just having sex for fun and you really want a relationship with the person, it's best to get on the same page before sex. "Best" meaning less drama and less emotional dissonance for you (general you). Which isn't difficult---it just involves communicating how you feel.

 

I agree, although I wouldn't necessarily bring it up on the first date unless sex was involved. Sometimes, as some posters have mentioned, the dance of dating can be fun, the mystery, the chase. Once things start to move along, then it might be a good time to be more clear.

 

I was thinking about this a bit more however, and I think for a lot of men, talking about the relationship before sex isn't really necessary. I think most men would be so happy to have sex, and I suspect they might even prefer to talk about it right after the fact, but not before. If she was still unsure and wanted to continue to date after sex, then he might FZ her or move on.

 

But having sex itself wouldn't be a problem for most men. Nonetheless I wouldn't advocate rushing into sex if you want a LTR.

[zengirl]

I agree, although I wouldn't necessarily bring it up on the first date unless sex was involved. Sometimes, as some posters have mentioned, the dance of dating can be fun, the mystery, the chase. Once things start to move along, then it might be a good time to be more clear.

 

I was thinking about this a bit more however, and I think for a lot of men, talking about the relationship before sex isn't really necessary. I think most men would be so happy to have sex, and I suspect they might even prefer to talk about it right after the fact, but not before. If she was still unsure and wanted to continue to date after sex, then he might FZ her or move on.

 

But having sex itself wouldn't be a problem for most men. Nonetheless I wouldn't advocate rushing into sex if you want a LTR.

 

I don't think for men, or even women, talking about the relationship is "necessary" before sex, but I don't think men or women who want relationships have any issues when it's brought up either. So I don't see any harm in discussing it if it helps with any dissonance. If you're not having any dissonance, it's all a moot point, as there's no problem.

 

Which is your question in the other thread, I think: Do you experience dissonance when having sex in an undefined relationship? I would say, for me, it's: Yes. I would. (I didn't know that for sure till I almost tried it, and luckily it worked out for me, but I learned about myself as well.)

 

As to the dance of dating, to me the idea of some "mystery" about how the person feels is never an allure. I don't need every little thing defined for me and it's not a big deal, if it's just dating, but mystery? No pull whatsoever. It's neutral or negative, depending on whether it's natural (I'm still getting to know you) or forced (a game). I like people I know better than people I don't, and I don't do the thing where I project my ideals upon a person --- which is where the mystery is appealing, as it allows you to think someone is what you want them to be --- so I don't experience any joy from that, really. That said, I don't think forcing a definition is ever a good idea.

 

It should progress naturally by two people who are figuring out what they want and able to assert that. Sex, to a degree, gets in the way of figuring out what you want, if you don't yet know the person. (From what I hear: Even for men.)

[OliveOyl]

It should progress naturally by two people who are figuring out what they want and able to assert that. Sex, to a degree, gets in the way of figuring out what you want, if you don't yet know the person. (From what I hear: Even for men.)

 

Except if good sex is part of what you know you want, then sex doesn't get in the way, it's part of the process of figuring out what you want.

[bluenightowl]

Except if good sex is part of what you know you want, then sex doesn't get in the way, it's part of the process of figuring out what you want.

 

1) It could be for some, but if you have sex with someone, then go off and date someone else, then have sex with them and dump the first person or more possibly, this is where dating people who do this sort of thing can turn into a mess with lots of hurt feelings, anger, you name it.

 

2) I imagine dating only one person at a time could work however if both people are really giving it a fair shake.