Great guy, great dates for a month - but he just changed his online dating profile

[logano]

Since college I've either been married or in a long term relationship. So dating is a whole new arena for me and I get very confused and upset very easily. It's quite a learning curve! I guess b/c I'm used to being in a relationship - not to dating.

Anyway, I met this guy online (although we actually have a friend in common who was about to set us up - crazy!) and he is great. A perfect gentleman. We have a phenomenal time together: he makes me laugh, we can talk about all sorts of things, he doesn't seem like a some of the children I've dated in the past. In fact, he's very wise and mature and we share a lot about past relationships, etc. I know he wants a family, as I do, because he told me and so did our mutual friend. We see each other over the weekend (he's extremely busy). It's always a long date (yes, we're having sex and the chemistry is off the charts) and always better than the last. But. Communication during the week is minimal. Increasing week by week, but still minimal.

I'm posting on here because I just saw that he updated his online dating profile. I mean, we're both still on the site, I get that it's too early to leave - although I would like to. I don't know if he's the "one," but i do know that for me, i can't give him a fair shot if I'm dating others. And i know in my gut that he's totally worth that fair shot. And the fact that we;re sleeping together certainly complicates things. I'd be very upset if I learned that he was, even though I'm pretty sure that he isn't even dating anyone else.

So what is he doing on the dating website???

Anyway, should I be upset that 1. he logs onto the dating site almost every day and 2. that he updated his profile?

I'm inclined to agree with the view that he should bring up exclusivity, but at a certain point - and i don't know when this is - i want to know how he feels about me. He must like me or he wouldn't continually ask me out, but beyond that i have no idea how he feels about me. I don't want to scare him off, although i don't think he'd get scared, but he might "do the right thing" and agree to exclusivity just because he's that kind of guy. Not because it is what he necessarily wants. And I don't want that.

Ugh.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[sm1tten]

Anyway, should I be upset that 1. he logs onto the dating site almost every day and 2. that he updated his profile?

No. And, no.

 

You should't be sleeping with someone with whom you want exclusivity if you have not discussed that. Also, the fact that there is minimal contact during the week and sex on the weekend suggests that he isn't ready to take the next step. If you're not going to bring it up, you're probably going to be waiting a while for him to. Not saying he doesn't like you, but it doesn't sound like he likes you as much as you like him.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that it sounds as though you like him more than he likes you, and he's scoping things out to see who else is out there. He'll most likely stay in this mode as long as you're having sex with him without exclusivity.

[somethingsimple]

You shouldn't be upset with him. Simply ask him if he's seeing/dating other people, just be upfront with it and don't go fishing.

 

If I'm in it for the emotional connection and exclusivity, I try and make it a point. Who knows, he might be ready later.

 

But if i were him. I would be like I get to hang out and have sex with this fun girl with no strings attached, this is great.

[LittleTiger]

It's a bit late for my advice but it might help you in the future:

 

If you're looking for a long term relationship, don't have sex with a guy you think might fit the bill until AFTER you've discussed and agreed on exclusivity.

 

I think this particular guy is just happy to have found a weekend playmate. It might grow into more but it might not. The fact that he's still active on the dating site suggests that he's still looking.

[zengirl]

It's a bit late for my advice but it might help you in the future:

 

If you're looking for a long term relationship, don't have sex with a guy you think might fit the bill until AFTER you've discussed and agreed on exclusivity.

 

I think this particular guy is just happy to have found a weekend playmate. It might grow into more but it might not. The fact that he's still active on the dating site suggests that he's still looking.

 

I agree entirely with what LittleTiger said. On the plus side, at least you know he's likely not on the same page as you. What you do with that is up to you. The guy is doing nothing wrong, and neither are you, really, but you aren't in the same place with each other. If a guy really likes someone he's sleeping with/dating and sees a future with her, he's not actively trying to update and improve his OLD profile.

[sweetypielovely]

I would be blunt and ask him if hes dating others. Then tell him you'd like to see where it goes between you two and get his reaction. In this world you gotta be blunt.

 

I mean there's a reason hes still on the dating site. He likes you obviously, but is not 100% into you if he isn't communicating a lot and is still on the dating site and updating his profile. That isnt good girl.

 

Id tell him how you feel and brace for the response and move on if its not what you wanna hear.

[logano]

with all of you.

While I do wish that I had waited a few dates to have sex with him, I don't think it was a bad thing. With other guys, it would be. But not with him. Plus, I absolutely don't believe in having exclusivity before sex. That's not being true to who I am as a person, and thus (for me) is playing a game. And I don't play games.

And I'm not his "playmate." A comment which I resent. But you don't know me or him, so it is difficult for you to judge. He treats me with the upmost respect and I know from our mutual friend that he is really into me. If I were he wouldn't spend the time coming up with fun dates and he wouldn't call me just to tell me what a great time he had with me and to wish me a good night.

But it has only been a month, which I feel is too soon to discuss exclusivity. And, frankly, I'd like him to bring it up. My guess is that he's still tinkering online because he's shopping, making sure I'm someone he'd like to pursue things with. I know that he is VERY serious about getting into a serious relationship. And I know from his past relationships that if anything, women "tinkered" with him.

I guess what I am really asking is do I let this play out a few more weeks or bring it up now?

[logano]

Now this reply makes sense to me. Thank you.

Edited August 23, 2011 by logano
put in wrongplace

[zengirl]

with all of you.

While I do wish that I had waited a few dates to have sex with him, I don't think it was a bad thing. With other guys, it would be. But not with him. Plus, I absolutely don't believe in having exclusivity before sex. That's not being true to who I am as a person, and thus (for me) is playing a game. And I don't play games.

 

If you don't believe in exclusivity before sex, why did you bring up that it was problematic that you were having sex and he was potentially seeing others? If you want the guy you're having sex with to not see others, as a condition of your having sex, you need to address that prior to sex. I don't think there's anything wrong with having early sex with someone or having any views on sex you'd like, but if sex changes the dynamic to you, that's something you need to make clear prior to that dynamic changing. Because be aware: it may not have changed the dynamic for him. And looks like it didn't.

 

And I'm not his "playmate." A comment which I resent. But you don't know me or him, so it is difficult for you to judge. He treats me with the upmost respect and I know from our mutual friend that he is really into me. If I were he wouldn't spend the time coming up with fun dates and he wouldn't call me just to tell me what a great time he had with me and to wish me a good night.

But it has only been a month, which I feel is too soon to discuss exclusivity.

 

Okay, also fair enough. But if it's too soon for you to be exclusive, why do you care if he's looking for others?

 

And, frankly, I'd like him to bring it up.

 

Ah, ding ding ding! It's not that it's "too soon." It's just that you have this mentality that the guy should bring it up. Totally different kettle of fish.

 

And maybe he will, but the sign you mention makes it seem less likely. I've dated some men from offline, and they've all stopped logging in and even pulled down their profile within a month of meeting me (without me asking, yes). That, to me, signaled their desire to be exclusive before they even asked. It doesn't seem to me like this guy will be asking anytime soon. If that's okay with you: cool. If it's not: bummer. Your OP makes it seem like you're not okay with that.

 

My guess is that he's still tinkering online because he's shopping, making sure I'm someone he'd like to pursue things with. I know that he is VERY serious about getting into a serious relationship.

 

Maybe he is. Just not serious about it with you right now, from the looks of things. Nobody is saying that will never change, but he definitely doesn't seem to be on the same page as you.

 

And I know from his past relationships that if anything, women "tinkered" with him.

 

What is being tinkered with in this sentence? I'm quite confused by that verbiage.

 

I guess what I am really asking is do I let this play out a few more weeks or bring it up now?

 

Up to you. There are pros and cons to each way. Either way, I'd be open to hearing he isn't where you want him to be.

[sm1tten]

I absolutely don't believe in having exclusivity before sex.

I'd be very upset if I learned that he was,

But it has only been a month, which I feel is too soon to discuss exclusivity.

 

I respectfully rebut that you don't make sense.

 

And, if he's updating his profile, he's not looking to get exclusive with anyone he's dating or sleeping with right now. That means you. If you want to keep seeing where it goes and if he becomes more serious about you, then have at it. But it's kind of a big "if," isn't it?

[bluenightowl]

If you don't believe in exclusivity before sex, why did you bring up that it was problematic that you were having sex and he was potentially seeing others? If you want the guy you're having sex with to not see others, as a condition of your having sex, you need to address that prior to sex. I don't think there's anything wrong with having early sex with someone or having any views on sex you'd like, but if sex changes the dynamic to you, that's something you need to make clear prior to that dynamic changing. Because be aware: it may not have changed the dynamic for him. And looks like it didn't.

 

I think what she means is while she doesn't believe in exclusivity before sex, she does believe in exclusivity after they have had sex and exclusivity is not a condition to have sex that first time.

 

Many people become exclusive at the point of sex for many reasons whether discussed or not.

 

In her case, I think she should address this now, and tell him that she prefers to be exclusive now, and be prepared to walk away if he don't share the same dating style.

 

I think many people feel that sex changes the dynamic. Sure its better to discuss it before sex, but many people don't want to appears to rigid too early in the game. I think she clearly enjoys and wants sex too, but would prefer to be with someone who then goes exclusive.

[zengirl]

I think what she means is while she doesn't believe in exclusivity before sex, she does believe in exclusivity after they have had sex and exclusivity is not a condition to have sex that first time.

 

Many people become exclusive at the point of sex for many reasons whether discussed or not.

 

In her case, I think she should address this now, and tell him that she prefers to be exclusive now, and be prepared to walk away if he don't share the same dating style.

 

I think many people feel that sex changes the dynamic. Sure its better to discuss it before sex, but many people don't want to appears to rigid too early in the game. I think she clearly enjoys and wants sex too, but would prefer to be with someone who then goes exclusive.

 

I get all that, but if you do it that way: having sex definitely becomes a gamble, because the other person is not at all wrong for disagreeing with you. So, I think that's fine as long as, if you have sex with someone and they still don't want to become exclusive, you're totally 100% fine with that as a potential outcome. That's the only reason I suggest talking about it before sex, in case you're not okay with such an outcome.

 

I don't understand why sharing your relationship style would make you appear "too rigid" to anyone who shared your interest and desire for a relationship. Seems like it'd only scare away players, and isn't that just an added bonus?

 

(That said, if she's truly cool with having sex without commitment, I'm not at all knocking that FTR.) And, as for the future: Your plan sounds like a good one to me.

[bluenightowl]

I get all that, but if you do it that way: having sex definitely becomes a gamble, because the other person is not at all wrong for disagreeing with you. So, I think that's fine as long as, if you have sex with someone and they still don't want to become exclusive, you're totally 100% fine with that as a potential outcome. That's the only reason I suggest talking about it before sex, in case you're not okay with such an outcome.

 

I don't understand why sharing your relationship style would make you appear "too rigid" to anyone who shared your interest and desire for a relationship. Seems like it'd only scare away players, and isn't that just an added bonus?

 

I think sharing dating styles is a great idea and you are right, anyone who was really interested in you for a relationship might be delighted, but its seems many people need some time to decide what it is they want and might just feel a bit rushed to talk about what happens to the budding relationship when they have sex if its too soon for them.

[Pierre]

The word exclusive should be abolished in the dating world.

 

Who wants to seriously date a woman that is actively f****ing other men?

 

Why would a woman want to seriously date a man that is actively f****ingg other women and looking for more?

 

What is the point?

 

This philosophy only benefits promiscuous men and women that love multi-dating and variety during the week.

 

How can someone that is multi-dating and spread so thin concentrate on any single date?

 

Why would anyone want to have sex with a person that perhaps was sleeping that morning with someoen else?

 

Screw the word exclusive. It means nothing for a person that takes dating seriously and is looking for a meaningful relationship.

 

If I am serious about a woman i ask if she is seeing other people. If she says I move her to the friend zone. If she says she is not seeing anyone then I date her. I have no desire to waste time or put my penis in a vagina that was used to please a man the day before.

[sm1tten]

I think sometimes you can scare away even the non-players, because you may be asking to define something they haven't figured out themselves yet.

 

And sometimes (for some people), well, sex just happens.

 

But you can't be repeatedly having sex with someone with no discussion of where it's going and have expectations that you're on the same page. Really, what I'm getting is that she wants to be exclusive but doesn't want to be the one to put it out there. And I think she's probably wrong that he'd "do the right thing" if called upon it - because he'd already be doing it.

[OliveOyl]

Maybe it's the term "exclusivity" that's tripping you up? A lot of people here say they have a talk about exclusivity before having sex for the first time. In my worldview, there are two levels of exclusivity.

 

The first level is feeling the other person out and asking if they are seeing other people, and mentioning that you are not seeing other people. It's not an actual official status or requirement to continue dating. For example you say, "hey, I'm not really interested in seeing other people right now" and he would say the same thing back. This is the point when a lot of people seem to take down their online profile. It's basically exclusivity without commitment.

 

For me personally I would need to have this first level before having sex. I wouldn't ever sleep with someone who might be sleeping with others.

 

The second level is more official "I want us to be exclusive, and for neither of us to see other people." It's now past mentioning or hoping, it's a commitment; a requirement. Maybe this is when you say you are now a "couple" or BF/GF. This is the point where I would need the other person to take their online profile down, if they haven't already.

 

Now I wouldn't insist that a guy be my BF in the second way before having sex for the first time. How can someone commit before they know what they're committing to? But no matter what, I wouldn't want someone I'm sleeping with to be sleeping with others. However, there is a symbolic difference between the two levels I've mentioned. Maybe that's the difference that's tripping you up.

[zengirl]

I think sometimes you can scare away even the non-players, because you may be asking to define something they haven't figured out themselves yet.

 

Hmm. . . maybe. I think that if, when asked to decide, you don't decide yes, you want a relationship. . . then you weren't really looking for a relationship. There is a lot of gray and people who don't really want relationships stumbling into them, but I think both people have to be in the gray for that to work out well, without the dissonance the OP is facing.

 

Though I don't understand how hard it is to decide you like someone enough to stop looking for other people to date/screw/whatever. I cannot imagine any serious person looking for a real relationship not deciding (one way or the other) that before they have sex with a person. Relationship-oriented people often think about and decide whether they see someone as relationship material or not.

 

ETA: And yes, as Olive Oyl says, I don't mean like hammering out a contract or anything. It should all be more natural than that, but just asserting where you are re: not wanting to see others and having that reciprocated.

[torn_curtain]

My guess is that he's still tinkering online because he's shopping,

 

Do you really want to be with someone who takes this attitude toward people and relationships - comparison shopping, hedging his bets? I don't multi-date when I'm at all interested in someone and it doesn't sound like you do either.

[torn_curtain]

The first level is feeling the other person out and asking if they are seeing other people, and mentioning that you are not seeing other people. It's not an actual official status or requirement to continue dating. For example you say, "hey, I'm not really interested in seeing other people right now" and he would say the same thing back. This is the point when a lot of people seem to take down their online profile. It's basically exclusivity without commitment.

 

For me personally I would need to have this first level before having sex. I wouldn't ever sleep with someone who might be sleeping with others.

 

The second level is more official "I want us to be exclusive, and for neither of us to see other people." It's now past mentioning or hoping, it's a commitment; a requirement. Maybe this is when you say you are now a "couple" or BF/GF. This is the point where I would need the other person to take their online profile down, if they haven't already.

 

Now I wouldn't insist that a guy be my BF in the second way before having sex for the first time. How can someone commit before they know what they're committing to? But no matter what, I wouldn't want someone I'm sleeping with to be sleeping with others. However, there is a symbolic difference between the two levels I've mentioned. Maybe that's the difference that's tripping you up.

 

Exactly. Great post.

[bluenightowl]

Maybe it's the term "exclusivity" that's tripping you up? A lot of people here say they have a talk about exclusivity before having sex for the first time. In my worldview, there are two levels of exclusivity.

 

The first level is feeling the other person out and asking if they are seeing other people, and mentioning that you are not seeing other people. It's not an actual official status or requirement to continue dating. For example you say, "hey, I'm not really interested in seeing other people right now" and he would say the same thing back. This is the point when a lot of people seem to take down their online profile. It's basically exclusivity without commitment.

 

For me personally I would need to have this first level before having sex. I wouldn't ever sleep with someone who might be sleeping with others.

 

The second level is more official "I want us to be exclusive, and for neither of us to see other people." It's now past mentioning or hoping, it's a commitment; a requirement. Maybe this is when you say you are now a "couple" or BF/GF. This is the point where I would need the other person to take their online profile down, if they haven't already.

 

Now I wouldn't insist that a guy be my BF in the second way before having sex for the first time. How can someone commit before they know what they're committing to? But no matter what, I wouldn't want someone I'm sleeping with to be sleeping with others. However, there is a symbolic difference between the two levels I've mentioned. Maybe that's the difference that's tripping you up.

 

That's interesting, and I tend to agree with this as well, but where is the line drawn? oral sex, petting, making out, or full on sleeping over and sex

 

The other thing I've noticed is people just out of a long term relationship tend to be more confused, tend to have sex early, and so might not be able to make up their mind too quickly because they are afraid of getting hurt again. That's no excuse, but I have seen this happen.

[zengirl]

That's interesting, and I tend to agree with this as well, but where is the line drawn? oral sex, petting, making out, or full on sleeping over and sex

 

The other thing I've noticed is people just out of a long term relationship tend to be more confused, tend to have sex early, and so might not be able to make up their mind too quickly because they are afraid of getting hurt again. That's no excuse, but I have seen this happen.

 

(a) But is someone who's confused, unable to make up their mind, and just out of a LTR good dating material?

 

(b) Do you mean what can they do with other people? The line is at dating. If you see someone as relationship material, and you want a relationship, you're not even LOOKING for other people to date. Thus: if you want a man/woman who's not interested in dating anyone else once you have sex, try to figure out where you stand with that person prior to having sex. If you don't stand where you want, you can then decide what to do with that. Wanting to have sex with someone without exclusivity doesn't make that person "bad" or "wrong" in any way. . . but if that would be hurtful to you if you continued, that means it's a point of dissonance that needs to be addressed (all general you, of course).

 

Or do you mean when do they have the talk? I have found that basically it arose naturally for me, and instead of asking someone not to see others, I would just state, "Hey, I took down my online profile. I figured we'd see where this goes" (if online, because I really do such things) or "Just to let you know, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else." Usually, the other person, if interested in the same thing, will tell you, and if not, will either tell you like a man/woman or squirm like a little boy/girl. Either which way, that tells you something.

 

The OP's guy is doing absolutely nothing wrong IMO, whether he's seeing people from the dating site or just looking. Either way: He is just viewing the relationship differently than the OP. And she's done nothing wrong by sleeping with him prior to exclusivity, except that she now wishes she had it and is feeling dissonance about him not being where she wants him to be.

[sm1tten]

Hmm. . . maybe. I think that if, when asked to decide, you don't decide yes, you want a relationship. . . then you weren't really looking for a relationship.

I would disagree with that. Just because I am looking for a relationship doesn't mean that every person I go out with is a person with whom I will end up in a relationship. I would say it's more like, if you're asked to decide and you don't decide yes, you may or may not want a relationship with THAT person. And I think that the two people involved may not be working on the same time table. For example, if you're the type of person who wants instant chemistry, then if you didn't get that on date 1 - you're done. You might go on date 2 to see if it's a fluke, but you're already thinking "meh." If you're the type of person who wants a slow burn, then you'd go on dates 1 and 2 with a different mindset. It doesn't mean that the first person wasn't looking, it means they didn't find what they were looking for.

 

Unless I've misinterpreted your post, zg?

[zengirl]

I would disagree with that. Just because I am looking for a relationship doesn't mean that every person I go out with is a person with whom I will end up in a relationship. I would say it's more like, if you're asked to decide and you don't decide yes, you may or may not want a relationship with THAT person. And I think that the two people involved may not be working on the same time table. For example, if you're the type of person who wants instant chemistry, then if you didn't get that on date 1 - you're done. You might go on date 2 to see if it's a fluke, but you're already thinking "meh." If you're the type of person who wants a slow burn, then you'd go on dates 1 and 2 with a different mindset. It doesn't mean that the first person wasn't looking, it means they didn't find what they were looking for.

 

Unless I've misinterpreted your post, zg?

 

I meant with THAT person. So yes, a slight misinterpretation there. I think if you don't like someone enough to say, "Yeah, I don't need to see other people right now" then you don't really like them that much.

 

I am a slow burn type person, but I can decide that within a reasonable timeframe (date 1 or 2 is likely to soon, but if you expect sex to = exclusivity, it's too soon for sex too). If you expect sex to = exclusivity, you should wait until it's a reasonable time frame (a few weeks and at least several dates in, I'd say, though it varies based on circumstances) to do both.

 

I'm not suggesting people try to limit others, either. Just assert and be straight with what they want. Saying what you want really isn't scary to most people, I've found. What people do that's wrong is trying to control the other person's behaviors or reactions. That's why there's a HUGE difference between saying, "I'm interested in you, and I'm not interested in seeing anyone else," and saying, "I don't want you to see other people." And whatever your words say, it's what your intention behind it says that will be heard.

 

I never go in, expecting someone else to behave a certain way (except with basic human decency) so if I want to have sex with someone, I make sure they're on the same page first because that's important to you. If it's not going to be important to you if they're exclusive after sex, that's a whole different story. But what's supposedly important to the OP seems all over the place.

[sm1tten]

Ah, gotcha.

 

I also tend to think that wiffle-waffling over the question of seeing other people is usually a negative sign. I guess that what I meant with my first post (about scaring people away) is that if someone is on the fence about dating you exclusively, asking them to make that decision might make them feel pressured and hence, they'd just say "no" to extricate themselves from that situation. I think it obviously depends on HOW you ask too. Like you said, there's a huge difference between "I'm interested in you and no one else" and "I don't want you to date other people." Like the difference between, "I like you and I'm just wondering where this is going" and "When are you going to make it official?" (pressuring) or "You're not dating anyone else, are you?" (accusatory) or "Buuuut I slept with you!?" (nuclear) [and of course tone is going to matter]

 

I wish she'd come back. [op]