homebrewer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Well I am quite a moron sometimes, this is one of those. Background: Married 10+ years, met my wife when I was in high school and got married halfway through college. Now we have 2 kids and have been through many of the ups and downs that are posted here. Regardless, I love my wife and family dearly and try to screw up as infrequently as possible. Start a few years ago when I was in grad school, and I met a bunch of friends through a student organization and study groups. This was one of the few social interactions I had outside of work and an hour commute each way. I met a number of good friends, including members of the opposite sex, and we still get together as a group. I have become close friends with one of these people, who happens to be a woman. We have many of the same interests, and lean on eachother quite a bit. Work stresses, weight challenges, relationship stresses, etc. I don't share everything, and not anything I don't discuss with my wife (except for occasional advise for the female perspective). So at the last get together, we all met at a bar for drinks. Wife didn't feel like joining this time. Long story short by the end of the night we were the last two of our group at the bar, and were lit by the end. We were both being flirty and at the end of the night we kissed in the "more than friendly kiss on the cheek" manner. She initiated, but I participated. It ended there. Now I'm in an awkward spot. I don't want to lose a great friend, but nothing is worth my marriage and family. I've already discussed with the friend and wont be hanging out without my wife present, but should I go farther and cut ties? Such an idiot...
xxoo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Now I'm in an awkward spot. I don't want to lose a great friend, but nothing is worth my marriage and family. I've already discussed with the friend and wont be hanging out without my wife present, but should I go farther and cut ties? Such an idiot... Is this really a great friend? Would a great friend put you in this position? Opposite sex friends are generally fine, but should be "friends of the family". Meaning, not only friendly to both husband and wife, but supportive of the marriage. Not making moves on the husband. Will you be telling your wife about this kiss? How would you feel if your wife shared a similar kiss with a man, didn't tell you, and then you all hung out together? What I'm saying is....it's unfortunate...but cut ties....
make me believe Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I totally agree with xxoo that you need to nip this in the bud and cut ties NOW. Even before the kiss you crossed several lines with this woman by allowing yourself to "lean on her" emotionally, making her your outlet for relationship stress, confiding in her things that you don't tell your wife, and finally allowing yourself to be alone with her flirting & drinking at a bar. I think you should read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Willard Harley if you haven't already so that you can understand the danger of allowing somebody besides your wife to fullfill some of your needs. Given what you told us about your "friendship," I'm not at all surprised that you two ended up kissing. I also think you need to be honest with your wife about what happened. Please don't humiliate her by keeping her in the dark and then bringing this woman around to hang out with her!
Afishwithabike Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Now I'm in an awkward spot. I don't want to lose a great friend, but nothing is worth my marriage and family. I've already discussed with the friend and wont be hanging out without my wife present, but should I go farther and cut ties? Such an idiot... A friend should be a friend to your marriage. This "friend" isn't supportive of your marriage. If she were, she wouldn't have kissed you at a bar. I think you know what you need to do. Your marriage comes first. You can always find other new, great friends that won't kiss you and tempt you as this one does.
Author homebrewer Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 I see what you all are saying. Sadly rereading my own post, seeing things written on paper makes it look worse than it did in my head, and the followups solidified that conclusion. Ive heard plenty of apologies from my friend, and dont think it was intentional (LOT of beer), but actions under the influence are often just the underlying desires coming out whether or not those desires are conscious. It is my own fault, as being married, I don't think to watch for signs that, now, seem clear and reasonably obvious. Thank you all for your replies.
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