Day 5

[geejayess]

So it's day 5 of NC. I am not at the point of "withdrawal" yet- he is out of town so there is no way for me to really experience NC... I know it's coming, I hope to be strong enough to stay in NC. We've tried it before and one or the other of us always broke. It doesn't help that the days seem to be going by both slowly and so quickly! Although its only been a few days it seems like a month has gone by- and I miss him, I'm not gonna lie. Conversely, I don't want to see him when he gets back from vacation. I tell myself I can be strong and stick to NC. I've asked that he respect my wishes and not try to contact me so I pray that he does this. I don't want to test my resolve just yet.

 

I've been reading some posts from other discussions and I see LOTS of similarities in As. I know I came here hoping I would find someone who understood what I was going through and also felt that although what I was doing was wrong, I wasn't a bad person. I don't think any of us WANT to be in these situations, but despite what people seem to think you really can't help who you fall for. Even if you make every effort to stay away from a person does that negate the feelings you have for them? No- those feelings are still there...

 

But I feel good that I am taking steps to separate myself from an unhealthy lifestyle. It's not good to be feeling so many contrasting emotions (joy at being with him, sadness when he leaves, anger at myself for staying in it, confusion for wanting a chance at happiness but knowing it comes at the expense of another person's happiness...)

So I am at a point where I accept that I love this man, that he loves me, and that we are doing each other no good by succumbing to our feelings. I am accepting my part in putting myself in this position. I am accepting that I could have ended it BEFORE it became emotional, before he got married, before a lot of things occurred. I accept that he isn't blameless as well. I wasn't the only one in this thing. We are all of us responsible for our actions.

 

Until next time LSers. I hope we all stay strong in our decisions. And I wish all of us happiness in ourselves.

[confused_88]

Hi Gee:

 

I know what you are going through. I am in day 4 of NC myself. Definitely not easy. But much like you, the constant contrasting emotions eventually took their toll on me. The highs were amazing, but the lows were dreadful. And lately there had been too many lows. This is not the markings of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately I do still care a great deal for her, which makes NC harder. At least if we have some huge blowup at the end, it might be easier if I hated her...but I don't. But I took the high ground and told her to go work on her M and that I am moving on in my life. Saddest thing I've ever had to do.

 

Long term I know the decision was correct. But it's the day to day that's difficult. Especially considering she and I work at the same company. Thankfully we don't work in the same departments, and there are days that go by where I don't even see her. But it's not that big of a company, and I know bumping into her is inevitable. That makes moving on that much more difficult.

 

I have found myself a couple times today wanting to reach out and send her a message...but I have to remind myself that if she really wanted to be with me, she would be. But her actions prove otherwise, and anything she says is just noise.

 

And you are right, we all have to accept mutual responsibility for ending up in this mess. We are not victims. We knew full well what we were getting involved in. At the same time we are not fully to blame.

 

I just feel like as long as we continue to work in the same building, that this will never really be over. We can ignore each other like we've been doing...but that is becoming increasingly maddening. I'm sure it's not comfortable for her either. But here again I have to remind myself why I started NC. She wanted to work things out with her H, and yet remain my friend (against his wishes). To continue the EA, which would've soon gone physical and I'd be right back to where I started. There comes a time when you have to see the handwriting on the wall, forget the past, and get busy living. Easier said than done though...as I do miss her, incredibly.

[geejayess]

Hey Confused. I think if we can keep reminding ourselves that what we had wasn't good, it will help strengthen in our minds that we don't really need to dwell on it. Someone on here suggested that every time I start to reminisce, I should mentally envision a big red stop sign, and that yes, it would seem foolish, but it would also serve to put in perspective that I shouldn't be going down that road. (sorta paraphrasing but I'm sure you get the point) Needless to say I am seeing red everywhere! There's nothing wrong with reminding yourself why you stopped. Reinforcement and repetition can be good things.

 

I know a little bit about your situation. I don't work with my xMM, but he works where I live, and we'd gotten into the habit of seeing each other almost every day. I have a bit of a reprieve now because I know I won't see him while he's on vacation. I am almost dreading the end of his vacation, where I once was dreading the beginning of it (he went to Jamaica- oh joy that he thought to share with me, along with the "I don't really want to go" statement! honestly- who doesn't want to go to Jamaica?! ...STOP it!)

 

I think you can do it. I used to work with my ex-husband and I became very practiced at looking the other way when I would see him. Change up your routine if you have to- if you smoke and she smokes, go to another corner or use another exit. Get your coffee BEFORE you go into the office (or vice versa if you think you will run into her) I am planning to wear sunglasses whenever I step outside so that if I look in the direction where he usually is, (which I did just this morning, even knowing he wasn't there) I won't be able to make eye contact, and I won't be compelled to wave hello. The people he works with may think it's strange, but who cares what they think?

 

I think you can do it. I think we can get past this first week, and then next week we will do it all over again.

[confused_88]

Thanks for the encouragement, I certainly need it after today. Just feeling quite a bit down. Today was the 2nd day in a row at work where we didn't bump into each other. Gotta admit the thought has crossed my mind several times to contact her. No idea what I'd say, but something to alleviate this god awful atmosphere at work. The silence is deafening. I'm sure she feels it just as much as I do.

 

But I'm committed to staying NC. I know if I reached out to her I'd feel better, for that instant...but then I'd be back on the roller coaster again. Everytime I want to reach out, I just have to remind myself that at best, I'd be #2 to her...and that's not fair to me.

 

I guess it's just fear I'm experiencing when I'm at work...fear that around every corner, she could be there. And I know everytime that I see her, much like in the beginning, my heart still flutters. The love is still there, and so is the reality of what is. I just feel lost...it's hard to move on when I know that everyday, she isn't far away.

 

Ugh...not a good day

[geejayess]

Hey LinD. I can't tell you how many times we've tried NC. Today I told my girlfriend about how I found this discussion board and how the A was over and the first thing she said was "Again?" So yeah- the starting over thing- I sooooo don't want to do that. Each time it happens I feel worse, and I don't want to feel any worse than I do now.

 

I feel for you- if I'm not mistaken you were just trying to find out if he is ok? It's so hard to be on this side of things. I know there have been MANY times when I've wondered who would let me know if he was hurt. The people he works with? They know we are friends but I don't think they know to what extent. His cousin? He doesn't know where I live. His mom? I don't know- he's told me that he told her about me, but really where would I expect her allegiances to lie?

 

I hope you are able to feel at ease about him. I don't want to say "I hope he contacts you" because I think we all know that would not be a good thing, but uncertainty is a horrible thing. It can make you do things you normally wouldn't do, and we are already in precarious situations.

 

I'm praying to be strong come next Monday.

[geejayess]

Hi Confused. Stay strong! I know how hard it is for you at work, but you have to separate yourself from your emotions at work; you DO have a job to do. Don't look for her around every corner. Immerse yourself in work. When you absolutely HAVE to see her, steel yourself. Bite your tongue, grind your teeth, hold your breath- do whatever to hold your emotions in check.

 

One of you will have to be the one to set the tone and since you already know that she is angling toward keeping you on the back burner, it HAS to be you that makes it (NC) happen.

 

Keep reminding yourself of the reason why you initiated NC. My reason was because my xMM told me maybe he should leave clothes at my place. And I took that as a sign. We'd talked before about how he had always been in relationships and didn't have much time as a single man (this is his 2nd marriage- married young (20yo) first wife cheated on him) He told me if he did break up with his wife, he wouldn't get right back into a relationship with me.... which I thought was sensible. But when he asked me about leaving his clothes it just put into my mind how he had never been by himself, living with one woman then breaking up and living with the next. I didn't want to be "the next."

 

I love him and a part of me was ecstatic about him wanting to keep clothes at my place- my God I've fantasized so many times about sleeping next to him and waking up with him! If he was divorced, and we had time to actually "DATE" then I would let him keep clothes and toothbrushes and anything at my place. But like this- it would be just one step into the next thing for him. So that is what sent me here, looking for like stories and empathy. I think I made the right decision. I know I made the right decision. I don't want to be looked at as the one who broke up his marriage, but if he was to live with me right after a break up with her- that is the only thing anyone would take me to be.

 

Just keep in mind- what is it, Confused? What is it that finally brought you to the point that you want to be free from it all? Think about that the next time you pick up your phone to text, or you go online to send an email... Remember why you started your NC. Maybe that will help stay your hand...

[nonamefornow]

To Gee/Confused/LinD - thank you so much for sharing your experiences about NC - so much of it resonates for me and I KNOW it's what I need to be doing and I commend all of you who are staying strong and maintaining NC.

 

I too am fed up with the emotional rollercoaster and have told him this many times - yet I can't seem to stop replying to him . I've been advised on here to block him from my FB but I can't seem to get up the courage to do it, we have a number of mutual friends and I think it's the fear of seeing him comment on one of their statuses and he would never be able to comment on mine, if that makes sense. Tbh he doesn't actually use it that much, primarily to communicate with me through private messages.

 

I work with him, though he wouldn't be there every day, however I've been off work with stress over the whole thing (this is the 9th week). When I first went off, I asked him not to contact me (this was initially for 2 weeks) whereby I thought I'd be able to wean myself off him. This didn't happen, the texts, FB messages, emails etc continued. I didn't see him for a month yet contact continued. He announced he was going on holiday with his wife for a week, back a day and gone again for another week, couldn't understand why this would upset me, as essentially we were just 'friends' at this point and it was his 'annual holiday'. I met him for lunch the Friday before he was due to go on the Sunday, asked him not to contact me and he finally agreed. Didn't take my number on the first holiday, NC lasted from Sunday afternoon until the following Saturday when he sent me FB message to say how much he was missing me, how he and his wife had argued lots over me etc. So contact resumed.

 

He has deleted my number more times than I care to remember and will then FB or email begging me to text - and I always cave! His mind is all over the place, he's been drinking far too heavily and is being referred for addiction counselling which he's waiting on now. I hadn't seen him since end of July and he begged me to meet for lunch last week. We ended up back at mine, it became physical but he promised he wouldn't contact me until we were both back at work, even then he would limit the contact and even mostly base himself at a different campus and told me he would destroy my number. I was knocked over by a car on Saturday, thankfully no major injuries but when he heard of this begged me to text him and let him know how I was. Of course I complied . He deleted my num on Sunday night cos his wife asked to see his last text (which was from me) and he panicked, begged again for me to text, again I complied! He called on Monday to see how I was, it became physical AGAIN, like groundhog day he agreed to go NC, deleted my num AGAIN and again begged on FB and email to text him. And I did.

 

He has said this past few days it would be unfair of him to make any decisions regarding possibility of ending his 20yr marriage, when his mind is not functioning properly, he's hoping the counselling will bring some clarity for him and wants me to carry on with my life and not hold out any hope for his situation changing. I've told him I won't because I have a gut feeling he will NEVER leave. So much confusion.....I'm wondering do I need addiction counselling myself??? Sorry this has been so long - maybe I'll be able to re-read it and see how ridiculous I'm being!!!

[Gentlegirl]

Thanks for the encouragement, I certainly need it after today. Just feeling quite a bit down. Today was the 2nd day in a row at work where we didn't bump into each other. Gotta admit the thought has crossed my mind several times to contact her. No idea what I'd say, but something to alleviate this god awful atmosphere at work. The silence is deafening. I'm sure she feels it just as much as I do.

 

But I'm committed to staying NC. I know if I reached out to her I'd feel better, for that instant...but then I'd be back on the roller coaster again. Everytime I want to reach out, I just have to remind myself that at best, I'd be #2 to her...and that's not fair to me.

 

I guess it's just fear I'm experiencing when I'm at work...fear that around every corner, she could be there. And I know everytime that I see her, much like in the beginning, my heart still flutters. The love is still there, and so is the reality of what is. I just feel lost...it's hard to move on when I know that everyday, she isn't far away.

 

Ugh...not a good day

 

I am 8months NC. It was xMM's birthday last Friday. It almost killed me that I couldn't phone him. The next day everything seemed to be back to normal. It is overall becoming much easier after 3 year A. I have days and anniversaries when my heart aches to hear his voice again.. but just noise of course.

 

Next week will be a year since we went on a holiday together. That was the beginning of the end. I came back and couldn't be the OW any more.

He wanted to leave his 47 year marriage. It a ll fell apart for a very good reason. ...it was wrong from the start.

 

Gradually I am coming back to a normal frame of mind.

 

Hope you stay strong in your resolve. You seem to have your thoughts very much in order. Don't do a three year madness like I did.

 

cheers,

Gentlegirl

[eleanor01]

Ugh. It sounds like y'all are trying so hard. . . but it is so hard.

 

Good luck on the NC. And good luck on not losing it on the anniversaries. You can do it.

 

Ellie

Edited August 24, 2011 by eleanor01

[MLC64]

Just wanted to say thank you for this post...somehow it is helping me knowing I am not the only one who struggles with this. I hope you all stay strong to gather your dignity and lives back.

I haven't been on here for a while. I have gone incognito...was here early spring onward....trying to gather my brain to end what at the time was a four month EA/PA....well, I struggled so bad to block and walk, to completely go NC. We would end, he would fish and I would cave. Same story over and over. However my replies would be further apart, once lasting 13 days. That is my record. We almost had a Dday June 29th, which was the last time I saw him, we haven't seen each other since that day when we ended it (for the umpteenth time). He always initiates contact and I struggle not to reply b/c I always wanted him to know I was thinking of him too. Stupid. It doesn't matter, he isn't leaving his wife. My failing M isn't helping matters, (troubles years prior to A). I miss the ridiculous feel goods, but that's about it. The extreme highs and lows, I do not miss. Last Monday (after a while of NC)I declined his offer to "go for tea" = "I would love to have sex with you". He was annoyed beyond description, as I declined the two previous requests also! Then the hurtful comments started and I finally think I can do this. So Day 9.....does it hurt, yes. Do I miss him, yes....the nice him (we shared everything). Do I think of him alot, yes; sadly. I know that distance will change this, people here tell me so. I am thankful this is just 8 months of my life wasted not years.....I am getting real and know I need to clear the pathway to end my M properly. I am in IC to address why I needed this validation, this A. This is my first and last A. This is his 4th or 5th, he says he is in sexless M. I don't believe a word this guys says.

 

I will come back here now and read...read and read on how to stay nc. I have done something that I haven't done before which I will say may sound pathetic but it has helped. I deleted (permanently) all emails, photos, txts, anything he has sent so I cannot go read and get all reminisy....(is that a word?). It has helped, they are gone, I can't see him. We will not cross paths, thankfully. I feel for those who work close to xap...wow that would be tough. I would look at the emails/photos and get weak, seeing his picture, then that made it want me to talk to him. Gag me. I have blocked his number as we only usually txtd. He is on vacation with W until next week. That is when I will be going out of my mind. Thanks for listening and for posting.....

[confused_88]

Thanks for sharing MLC. I'm on day 6 of NC, but I am in one of those unfortunate situations where I work with the xMW. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. There have been numerous times where I want to reach out and contact her. We didn't have some epic D-day. But it was obvious, despite all her words and promises, that she wasn't leaving her H...or at least not any time soon. So I told her to go work on her M...and that was when NC began. I feel like there is so much more that I want to get off my chest, but I don't see the point. She is still confused, and no one can un-confuse a person except themselves.

 

I just grew tired of the emotional rollercoaster. Sure the highs were absolutely unbelievable...best ever. But the lows have been the lowest lows...the pits of despair. And no good time is ever worth dealing with the hideous lows.

 

Someone posted something in another thread that really resonated. I was sick of getting half of a relationship with her, while she got one and a half relationships. If it's not an equal give and take, it's not a relationship. And I was deluded for ever thinking it was. It was an affair, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less.

[geejayess]

I have done something that I haven't done before which I will say may sound pathetic but it has helped. I deleted (permanently) all emails, photos, txts, anything he has sent so I cannot go read and get all reminisy....(is that a word?).

 

Good for you MLC64! I deleted from phone, apps that we played together... I did find something that I had altered for him (some printout of something he needed for work...) I didn't delete it but after reading this (your post) I will do it right away. Better not to hold on to anything that will call him to mind.

 

hey Confused- you're not the only one- I didn't have any type of d-day either. I just started to see things were going in a direction that I didn't like. And I started to hear things that he was saying and kinda putting two and two together to realize that this was really no way for me to live.

 

Don't you feel better for knowing there is no big knock down drag out event that scrambles your brain? I know when my xMM's wife lied on me and told him that I sent her text msgs, and then they were both calling me on my phone, I did not enjoy that at all!! I try to avoid conflict, there's no way I want something like that, so I will take not having had a d-day.

 

By the way, Confused- I hope you didn't send any texts or emails!!!!

 

I think I am gonna have a nice glass of wine with dinner and watch some action movies to cap off a pretty good, uneventful day.

[geejayess]

 

Hope you stay strong in your resolve. You seem to have your thoughts very much in order. Don't do a three year madness like I did.

 

cheers,

Gentlegirl

 

 

Hey Gentle- I did a three year A too... never intended it to get to this point, never actually intended to get emotional but ...hindsight and all that.

 

good luck to you too! It seems like we are all keeping each other in our thoughts and wishing strength to each other- I think we will all be successful. Every so often a soft moment will arrive but I'm sure we can get through them...

[Circular]

Ugh. It sounds like y'all are trying so hard. . . but it is so hard.

 

Good luck on the NC. And good luck on not losing it on the anniversaries. You can do it.

 

Ellie

 

Yea, it's those 'anniversaries' that seem to bring me back here. Everything is great until one of those dates rolls around, then I'm affected for about a week and just keep reminding myself why NC is good for everyone.

[MLC64]

Confused....oh the highs and lows....they are brutal. I appreciate your fortitude to move forward. I need the strength. I physically am strong if you were all to see me. I am sure you would think I would be able to handle this. Emotionally, not so much. My heart...I feel....I care, that is my weakness. I have to get this. How do we move on to become indifferent? What does tha mean? Why and how can one person affect us so much? That I do not understand. ..

hugs...

 

 

Thanks for sharing MLC. I'm on day 6 of NC, but I am in one of those unfortunate situations where I work with the xMW. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. There have been numerous times where I want to reach out and contact her. We didn't have some epic D-day. But it was obvious, despite all her words and promises, that she wasn't leaving her H...or at least not any time soon. So I told her to go work on her M...and that was when NC began. I feel like there is so much more that I want to get off my chest, but I don't see the point. She is still confused, and no one can un-confuse a person except themselves.

 

I just grew tired of the emotional rollercoaster. Sure the highs were absolutely unbelievable...best ever. But the lows have been the lowest lows...the pits of despair. And no good time is ever worth dealing with the hideous lows.

 

Someone posted something in another thread that really resonated. I was sick of getting half of a relationship with her, while she got one and a half relationships. If it's not an equal give and take, it's not a relationship. And I was deluded for ever thinking it was. It was an affair, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less.