Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 ...and people that fancy you, you never like. This seems to be my 'curse'. A lot of guys like me. The problem is...none of them are ever my type. Now, before I even know they like me, I know they aren't my type. There's no chemistry, connection or click. I don't find them physically attractive or particularly interesting. These are the type that always seem to like me. If only these guys were my type, I'd be sorted for life right now. The type I like, who is generally witty, sweet, outgoing - never seem to like me, or DO, but never enough. Its so maddening. It seems quite common though amongst people that when someone really likes them, the attention feels imprisoning, 'desperate', needy, stifling and so is offputting, but someone that doesn't like you gives off an easy going, indepedent, cool vibe that is more attractive. Of course some people are naturally easy going and cool, but DO like you, and so its perfect. I just wonder when the guys I really madly like are going to be the ones that really madly like me.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 It seems quite common though amongst people that when someone really likes them, the attention feels imprisoning, 'desperate', needy, stifling and so is offputting, but someone that doesn't like you gives off an easy going, indepedent, cool vibe that is more attractive. Yes, this is true to some extent. It explains why some women throw themselves at obvious players/bad boys and some men chase bitchy, flaky females. But there is also another dynamic here. If a guy/girl is not really attracted to you, it is likely because they feel they can do better...because they are higher on the attractiveness scale than you are. That's why I asked you whether you were in that guy's league in the other thread.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Yes, this is true to some extent. It explains why some women throw themselves at obvious players/bad boys and some men chase bitchy, flaky females. But there is also another dynamic here. If a guy/girl is not really attracted to you, it is likely because they feel they can do better...because they are higher on the attractiveness scale than you are. That's why I asked you whether you were in that guy's league in the other thread. Yes - I see what you mean, and possibly that is it. Its an interesting insight and hard for me to judge because although he has told our friend he is attracted and interested, he may not be attracted or interested 'enough', which is quite disheartening.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I've found curses, in general, tend to be either things that reoccur because the lesson remains unlearned OR things that are constantly recreated by your own belief system (possibly both at once). Whenever I have a significant pattern that is not working for me, I look to change myself. That's just me. To answer the question: Some people I fancy like me, and some people I fancy don't like me. If I had a persistent pattern of only the people I didn't like liking me, I'd examine that and see how I could fix it.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Ah, perhaps the 47 year old virgin is one for a reason. I am a 28 year old virgin who has never kissed a girl, but the reason for that is severe social anxiety and panic attacks. All of which I'm working on, and getting better. 47 year old virgins aren't in a hopeless case. I know one 47 year old virgin who lost it, and is now in a happy relationship. However, a bad attitude and personality goes a long way.
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 A lot of guys like me. The problem is...none of them are ever my type. Each one of those data points, if one is the man, supports the thread title. A typical man like myself encounters hundreds of such data points in his lifetime. Every rejection a man experiences adds to the total, so I would say, at least for myself, that it is 'generally' the case that I've fancied people who don't fancy me, since the numbers do not lie and cannot be rationalized in any other way. Give it a whirl
Emilia Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 ...and people that fancy you, you never like. This seems to be my 'curse'. A lot of guys like me. The problem is...none of them are ever my type. Now, before I even know they like me, I know they aren't my type. There's no chemistry, connection or click. I don't find them physically attractive or particularly interesting. These are the type that always seem to like me. If only these guys were my type, I'd be sorted for life right now. The type I like, who is generally witty, sweet, outgoing - never seem to like me, or DO, but never enough. Its so maddening. It seems quite common though amongst people that when someone really likes them, the attention feels imprisoning, 'desperate', needy, stifling and so is offputting, but someone that doesn't like you gives off an easy going, indepedent, cool vibe that is more attractive. Of course some people are naturally easy going and cool, but DO like you, and so its perfect. I just wonder when the guys I really madly like are going to be the ones that really madly like me. It is hard to keep your independence when you are seeing someone, I am very lucky that I have found someone who puts as much importance on autonomy as I do - but he still wants to interact a lot and he is a very open person. We were friends for a while and when we started dating he expressed concerns that he would be involved in something serious too quickly and that he would lose his independence. Because I knew him well by then, I knew he liked me so I wasn't disheartened, I simply explained that I was looking for the same as him and that calmed him down. Perhaps you should get to know men better and form different sorts of relationships/friendships with them before deciding whether they are your type or not. They might be after the same thing as you it's just that maybe neither of you realise it
somedude81 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 So none of the men who like you are "generally witty, sweet, outgoing?" Seriously? I think you should take a minute to think of what your criteria really are.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Ah, perhaps the 47 year old virgin is one for a reason. I am a 28 year old virgin who has never kissed a girl, but the reason for that is severe social anxiety and panic attacks. All of which I'm working on, and getting better. 47 year old virgins aren't in a hopeless case. I know one 47 year old virgin who lost it, and is now in a happy relationship. However, a bad attitude and personality goes a long way. Hi there. I also suffer with anxiety and panic attacks...although they used to be worse...and I managed to have 2 relationships through this without ever confiding my problems to them (out of fear it would put them off). I really hope you can work on your anxiety problems but feel free to message me if you want to talk about it as I know how uniquely isolating and frustrating it can be when the problem comes from you.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 So none of the men who like you are "generally witty, sweet, outgoing?" Seriously? I think you should take a minute to think of what your criteria really are. Well....I lack chemistry with those guys whether they have those qualities or not, if you see what I mean. The chemistry I have with new guy highlights those qualities, whereas lack of chemistry minimises qualities in others.
Woggle Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I think that subconsciously this is how people avoid getting serious with somebody. Deep down I think they have commitment issues. It can't be simply coincidence that causes them to lose interest in anybody that likes them back.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 I think that subconsciously this is how people avoid getting serious with somebody. Deep down I think they have commitment issues. It can't be simply coincidence that causes them to lose interest in anybody that likes them back. Yes. I've also heard it said that being attracted to those who aren't reciprocal is the same thing, but if its unconscious, you'd never quite know. I don't think that's what I'm doing - if so, I'm not conscious of it. Usually I have a guard and defense up, but with this guy I like him and feel open and free. Well...we will see if anything happens
Woggle Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Yes. I've also heard it said that being attracted to those who aren't reciprocal is the same thing, but if its unconscious, you'd never quite know. I don't think that's what I'm doing - if so, I'm not conscious of it. Usually I have a guard and defense up, but with this guy I like him and feel open and free. Well...we will see if anything happens Maybe you are finally open to a healthy relationship. It happened to me. Before I met my wife with the exception of my high school prom date I did not date a single woman that was not a complete nutcase. I think in some ways I was subconsciously going after these kinds of women. When I met my wife it was at a time in my life when I was just plain sick of the drama and maybe you are at that point as well.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Maybe you are finally open to a healthy relationship. It happened to me. Before I met my wife with the exception of my high school prom date I did not date a single woman that was not a complete nutcase. I think in some ways I was subconsciously going after these kinds of women. When I met my wife it was at a time in my life when I was just plain sick of the drama and maybe you are at that point as well. I hope so. It is interesting how we follow patterns and habits without even realising it, because part of us is still fixed in that mode for some reason. It's hard to break patterns you aren't aware you are even following. I'm only young so hopefully I will keep learning from my mistakes and not let them dog me for life. I am glad you have met a woman you can have faith in Woggle.
Woggle Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I hope so. It is interesting how we follow patterns and habits without even realising it, because part of us is still fixed in that mode for some reason. It's hard to break patterns you aren't aware you are even following. I'm only young so hopefully I will keep learning from my mistakes and not let them dog me for life. I am glad you have met a woman you can have faith in Woggle. It is so refreshing to have a healthy relationship. Trust me when I saw it is much more fun and enjoyable than endless drama.
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I hope this spammer gets a computer virus. It's not random but rather a person who fancies certain people here
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