APC Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 So let's get this story straight.. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. The relationship lasted 8 months, it was a LDR for the most part, and we spent a month intensely together after, we both ended up being very unhappy. I became a miserable shadow of my own self, not primarily because of her, but because I had come and left my own life at home to come back to uni, unfortunately I lost control and perspective, and my life became about her, entirely and I went from being charming, confident and funny to being moody, desperate and clingy. She fell out of love with me in the end, we were both happier after the break up. I felt very quickly like I was finding myself again. She says her feelings changed for me, I'm not surprised, but I am a firm believer of the fact that if she fell in love with me before, for who I am, she could pretty easily do it again. We went through brief stages of no contact, but I broke it. Mostly to apologise for being angry about her breaking up with me. She accepted it with no problems. We've been skyping again recently, and it's been very comfortable, happy conversations and have said it would be nice to meet up. So that's what we're doing, attempting to be friends. I believe I can be friends, even if it hurts a bit, but I also am going in with an open mind. She is in a bit of an unhappy place at the moment, she feels lonely a lot of the time and is not happy with herself as a person. I don't know why, I and many others think she's incredible, but she chooses not to hear any of it, from anyone. I want so much to help her. I am taking this very slowly, as I said I do care a lot about her, as a person. I am not going to suggest getting back together, unless we take it as if we're two people seeing each other early on. Is this too much to hope for? My only concern is that I may be setting myself up to get hurt with this bit of optimism inside me, I can't shake it because it feels so much better than to let it go. She does feel attached to me, she's admitted this, I know they aren't feelings. Am I going about this in the right way? I feel like if I can show her the man she did fall in love with, flew half way across the world just to spend a week with, and Im not the miserable guy I was for a while, it could work. That said I know I need to be patient as she has her issues which she needs to sort out as well, something she's said..not me. Appreciate any advice on anyone who's had anything similar.
SlowBlues Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm going to be honest with you. I think you need to let go of this for a while. You say in your first paragraph that you lost yourself by the end of the relationship, that you made everything about her. I think the most important thing for you to do right now is take a good amount of time to focus on yourself. If you're at the university age (which is what you make it out to be) you should maybe try and focus on your studies and work on regaining that confidence, that charm that you were all about when you first met her. It seems to me like you are making your life about getting her back right now which is a huge risk. It has only been a month since the break up and as much as you think you might have changed and gained perspective, this is simply not enough time. If the break up had occurred over something like a fight then it might be different but given the details of your break up I think that a good amount of time apart and in NO CONTACT will really help you to focus on YOURSELF and gain more perspective. You say that you know you need to be patient. I think this is really important for you to remember as you go through this process. It's going to take some time but you can do it and you will be better off for it.
Author APC Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks very much for your advice, it is hard because we get on so well, we're both always on Facebook in the evenings and especially now we've started talking on Skype again. In my head I think about trying to make this good with her again too much. There unfortunately isn't a whole lot for me to do otherwise but I am trying to fill my time up with things I know I like doing. So far it's helped me massively, settle back into my university life. I would like to say I'll leave things be, and I am going to try to. I think it's easier knowing that she'll probably get in contact with me soon enough anyway. I wont be seeing her, pretty much at all as she lives a good 40 minutes away that helps. I appreciate your advice though, and will try harder to resist those stupid urges to speak to her .
Author APC Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Also, I know what I *would/will* do should this situation occur, but if she's calling me/skyping and we're getting on great, should I push for no contact? even if I don't want it? It's really hard to rationalise between what you want and what's good for you, especially when everything actually seems good. I don't feel desperate to get back with her, certainly not now, but it's not a door I want to close because I do like her and have feelings for her, and knowing she's troubled I want to be there for her. She's not going out looking for other guys, this much I'm sure of. I know that doesn't mean she wants to be with me, but closing the door to someone I care about who needs me does feel wrong. I do like her, I used to love her. I wouldn't say I'm in love with her any more though. Especially now I feel like the worst of the break up is over, and I'm content/happy that we aren't together right now.
EgoJoe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Don't be so available. Spend time just FEELING whatever your feeling. Start reading here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293260/
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