citnehtua Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Hi Please give me your perspective. I am a 30 y/o woman and 4 months ago a 5 yr long relationship ended. We were both living at our parents houses and a chance to move in together popped up which I grabbed with both (heavy) hands and pushed the move in together, trying to ensure it happened. I had been wanting us to move in for some time and believed that it would just happen naturally in the course of our (rather amazing) relationship. When after several months of me trying to convince him (this sounds more awful as I write it) that moving in was not such a bad thing, was quite normal, he finally decided it wasn't for us, I felt betrayed. I reacted and told him that in order for us to be together he needs to move out of his parents and find a place on his own and then once he's settled down and can offer me more stability in a future together to contact me then. Well, he moved out (rented somewhere), he hasn't told me this though, I heard through the grapevine, I have emailed him a few times and he has never responded and his last text was clinical and cold. I have been in utter despair that our beautiful relationship has gone belly up and I have been beating myself up that I perhaps pushed him away too hard. But if he wanted to be with me, he'd be with me right...??? Or is he just learning to live on his own before he can invite me back into his life. Or am I just making excuses to cover up that he's fallen out of love with me. Very confused
cowboysmavs Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm a 30 year old male and to me there is nothing wrong with your request especially after you have been together for 5 years. Thats nuts. I mean I can see how his pride might have gotten hurt but to be honest it shouldn't been there in the first place if he's living at home. Sounds to me like he's either hanging out with someone else or trying to do the whole no contact thing. I think if he wanted to be with you he would find a way. Thats a long term relationship you had. I don't know how long its been going on for but I would start to get myself together and begin moving on. You can always still hope. If you were really that good to him I doubt something better came strolling by. Maybe something different.
geegirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 If someone wants to be with you, they will. Yes, you are right. It's not that hard to comprehend that when two people love each other, have plans for the future and are striving for a shared goal in life, you'll see it in action and you'll see progression. It seems to me as if he is not willing or ready to take it to the next level of commitment with you. It's not in his plans to take it any further than where it was. It may have been beautiful for him when it suited his needs but now that he is required to give more, he is just not ready or may just not have it in him to give. You didn't push him. You've been together for 5 years. It's normal to want to progress. And if he felt the same way, you two would be looking for a place together. You didn't do anything wrong. Deep down, you know this.
Author citnehtua Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thank you to both of you for your kind words. These forums are so great. I feel I'm going to be able to get some deep-down feelinsg out into the open and perhaps quash any thoughts I have of contacting him (and I've had many). It's just awfully disappointing when you believe you have met the one person who understands and knows you inside and out and you place your unquestionable love and trust in them and they in you for it to just vanish so quickly. I have been beating myself up about a few things I said/did, expecially after reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=251976 this thread. This guy handled it soooo well. Why did I take the high-horse I took and tried flogging him into moving in with me. The only solace I have is that I told him to get moved out before we move on any which way in our relationship. I could have easily slipped into old routines. That I am gradually realising was a good thing I did. Just wish I hadn't then contacted him the handful of times I did (not many, perhaps 5, which isn't too bad after 5 years) and now I've gone FIVE weeks and have small moments of feeling better which quickly dissipate back to sadness. Surely I will get there though. I have always considered myself a strong person, but don't want to become strong through bitter. he was a fantastic man who I learnt so much from about life, about myself, about what I want from a relationship. He was like a role-model for me. Perhaps that's not such a good thing, I don't know. Anyway, this is great therapy for me so I'm keeping it going while I feel I need this support and vent.....
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