Author Milsch Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 I'm 100% against the letter, but you need to do what you feel is right. bear in mind that if you do follow through with sending the letter, you will be wondering what she thought of it after you send it out. especially if you get together and she doesn't even mention the letter. Personally, I think the letter is your way of fighting for that second chance. Whether it is consciously or subconsciously is arguable, but I believe that is your motive in the grand scheme of things, not an apology. Yes, I agree - it is a way of fighting for a second chance. But then, maybe an apology is exactly what is needed for a second chance. I have treated her badly and that is why she withdrew. It wasn't because she got bored or stopped liking me, it's because it not longer felt right to her that she should care for someone who treated her like she wasn't part of his life. She told me she still loves hanging out with me, etc, and I believe her - we have a good time together.
Author Milsch Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 DUDE don't send that letter! LOL. Why? I made her feel needlessly jealous, why not an apology?
lalalandman Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 You need to just withdraw dude. Detach. You can still respond to her if you want, but you don't need to make things complicated.
wilsonx Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 So Captain Obvious checking in here: 1) You said the relationship was casual in your own words. Ok. Have you ever seen 500 days of summer, if not watch that movie. 2) Your gut is telling you she is interested in another guy that has been hitting on her for a while. [side note: this might be guesswork, but a guy she knows has been hitting on her for months - I guess she might start a relationship with him as she's not great at being single] This is probably true if you mentioned it. 3) Everyone here is giving you the wrong advice. Dont write any stupid letters or ask her out for drinks. One of the key things in dealing with relationships is this. "If a significant other comes in closer, pull them in. If they start to pull away, let them go" Right now you are doing the complete opposite of this which is human nature by the way. If you want any hope of any type of reconciliation with her, this is all you say "I have been thinking about what you said about how it's over, and I agree, its the best thing for both of us" then shake her hand, give her a hug and you walk away and NC harder then anything you have ever done in your life. At the same time you start working on bettering yourself as a person. Work out, get a new job, finish school, etc etc. You have to be prepared that she might not come back as well. You did toast yourself with skinny dipping with your ex and this is a huge consequence of it. No matter what you say or whatever reasons you use, if there is a lesson to be learned from this, its this. "Stay the **** away from ex's when you are in a relationship." You do not need to be friends with an ex, it's stupid and look what it cost you.
Author Milsch Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 My view is that for a reconciliation to happen, I need to apologise. I don't think it's needy - in fact it's the opposite. I'm admitting to having messed up. I am going to write the letter, give it to her and then NC and focus on my life. But if I just NC it will confirm her suspicion that I never gave a crap. Does that not make sense?
Author Milsch Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Stuff about the other guy is me fearing the worst.... possibly not true.
Author Milsch Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Explain why. Not in generic 'why do NC' terms, but in relation to my situation. If you can be bothered...
betterdeal Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) Because not a week has gone by in which you can demonstrate you can stand on your own two feet and not get a fix of contact with her. That says to me you're still very emotionally raw and that means nothing has changed. You haven't changed. She hasn't changed. And if neither of you has changed, things will end again as they did before. Your destiny is decided mostly by you. Change you and you change your destiny. But I don't say don't send it. I think it's a bad idea, but I don't know everything about you, your needs or circumstances. I don't know why you want to send a letter instead of talk to her face to face, but again, that's your business. IME, writing letters can be and is very cathartic, but I don't send them any more. Not to the person they're addressed to. Putting it on paper often helps expunge it from your mind, whereas if you want to deal with stuff then learn to deal with it as it happens, in real time. Right now, you sound too upset to do that hence you're writing a letter. It's the best you can do at this moment. And it's good that you have instead of internalising it all. But you wrote it to make sense of things yourself. It is not universally true. She will have her version of events and despite some of that maybe being contrary to what you believe, it can be just as true as your version, just from a different angle. Let the dust settle, wait until you are thinking more clearly and then you'll be able to be yourself more easily, and that's when you're most likely to get along with her well. Edited August 27, 2011 by betterdeal
Nohbody Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Why write when you can call? Why call when you can meet face to face? It looks like you want to influence this girl's decision making process to the point where she will flip around 180 and go from pushing you away to pulling you back in. You know that you can't do that, right? I mean, you can't control this situation. Any decision regarding you is a decision she will make, and your ability to directly influence that is somewhere between 0 and -10. But maybe everyone here is wrong. Maybe you'll send the letter and she'll realize how perfect you two are together, and you will live happily ever after. B But then again, maybe everyone here is trying to help you by giving you advice that was earned the hard way. I guarantee you don't love this person any more than I loved the girl who left me. And I know I didn't love her any more than anyone else loved their former significant other. No matter how badly you want something to happen -- sometimes it just won't. And it doesn't matter how you feel. Life's like that.
LelouchIsZero Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) I've been in a position like that before, which I ended up sending a letter. I regret doing it to some extent as some parts of the letter were affected due to the fact that I was too emotional at the time. I was happy with 1 part though, which is where I wrote "I now realise that us ending was for the best". She hasn't replied to my letter, but I left it in a way which seemed as if I didn't particularly want a reply - "perhaps we can be friends sometime in the future, though for now I am happy with the space". I did notice that she had unblocked me on facebook (found out as I could see her picture on a mutual friends page, wasn't an attempt at stalking her, lol), though I'm not too sure if I even want a reply from her, either way I've kept NC since then, which was around 2 & a half months ago. I agree with what 'HeartOfAPhoenix' said though, you should wait atleast 3 weeks before you make up your mind about sending it. Edited August 27, 2011 by LelouchIsZero
Recommended Posts