I will get her back.

[Milsch]

I know, I know... it's an unhealthy attitude and I should move on and I should focus on me and I should stop thinking that we will get back together, etc. I know that. But, I am determined to win this girl back.

 

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to mine (I know this is a long post, but please consider reading and then replying if you have a point of view on this).

 

My full story is here, but this summary version covers everything.

 

Summary: started dating Emily a year ago, got on so well (great chat, great sex, great girl). I was recently out of a relationship and stayed good friends with my ex. Nothing ever happened with her (we're strictly platonic) but Emily felt insecure. We both agreed our relationship was casual, but it also became a lot more than that. I was a total jerk though; she didn't meet many of my friends or get very integrated into my life because I didn't want to hurt my ex (who was / is going through a very rough time herself).

 

Then, about a month ago, I made a stupid mistake - I went skinny dipping with my ex (and a group of others). Emily got pissed off (understandably). Since then she says she 'withdrew emotionally' from the relationship. She says she still likes me, still enjoys hanging out, sex is great, etc - but it 'doesn't feel right' anymore. Yesterday she ended it with me.

 

I didn't play the immediate aftermath very cool - I cried, she hugged me. I said I have to go, she said 'don't go yet...' but eventually I pulled myself together and left.

 

[side note: this might be guesswork, but a guy she knows has been hitting on her for months - I guess she might start a relationship with him as she's not great at being single]

 

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and successfully won back their ex (or who has failed to do so).

 

Here are the options I see.

 

1. Roll over and admit it's over. Not an option I'm going to take.

 

2. Go NC, hope she gets in touch after realising what she is missing. This is fine in theory, but she told me that she was most sure about breaking up with me when we didn't see each other... and wanted to be with me when we did hang out together. I feel by going totally NC it will confirm to her that I just wasn't as into her as I should have been. Also, if there is another guy on the scene this just makes his life too easy.

 

3. Fight for her. Basically just give her space, but tell her I am going to fight for her. Arrange to see her, be fun, charming, etc. Tell her I know I treated her badly, but that what we had was too good to just throw away (which is true really).

 

4. Play the game. As soon as she started showing doubt, I became totally weak - I cried a couple of times, told her I love her, etc. Maybe I need to go down the opposite route. Tell her she was right to break up, but arrange to meet to hang out as friends (and then just make sure she has a really fun time in the hope that she realises she ended it prematurely).

 

Disclaimer: playing games is stupid, I know. I don't want to. If I thought that a letter to her saying 'I miss you. I love you. I treated you badly - but I want you back and I want this to work out' would work, I'd send it within the hour. But I don't think it would work...

 

Disclaimer: I know I have acted badly and I don't deserve this girl back and that she was fully justified in breaking up with me. If you feel the need to tell me this, go right ahead - but it's not what I'm looking for.

[EgoJoe]

I could speculate until the cows come home.

 

If another guy has been hitting on her and she gets into a relationship then what happened was just an excuse.

 

I think you might be well served by forgetting all of your "options" and "plans" here is my advice:

 

1: A very simple and earnest apology. LESS IS MORE!

 

2: An affirmation of your love and willingness to be in a commited, exclusive relationship. ONE OR TWO SENTENCES IN YOUR APOLOGY!

 

3: An affirmation of your inability to accept being treated as second chest or to accept any excuses with regard to her seeing other men because she's "hurt" unless she's done and wants to be done FOREVER. ONE OR TWO SENTENCES IN YOUR APOLOGY!

 

4: Don't ever go skinny dipping when your girlfriend is not present again. It makes you look really stupid. SMACK YOURSELF WHILE REPEATING THIS!

 

5: Give her more space then she can handle.

[Milsch]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Do points 1, 2 and 3 not negate point 5?

 

The thing is, she knows that I love her, that I want to be with her, etc. I told her all that. And she still decided to end it (although I think she didn't fully believe it to be honest).

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Here's my plan for you.

 

 

Go NC for 3 weeks (21 days) minimum... after that NC period is up come back and read your post/plans.

 

 

If you feel the same way by then there is nothing anyone is going to say to stop you. you'll have to fall again in order to get back up. BUT I think when you come back to read over your plans you will feel completely different...

[EgoJoe]

Just write a VERY simple handwritten note, it can look something like this.

 

""I am very sorry for breaching your trust in the way that I did. I am very sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me when you ended it. I would like to be in a commited relationship with you. I am willing to earn your trust back. I am not willing to return to a relationship after the fact. I am not willing to return to a relationship if you decide to see other people as a result of being hurt. I do not want you to decide now, please, take your time and get back to me as soon as you are completely sure.

 

P.S. I am not a cheating pig. I still consider you the only girl for me and will until you say no to this request or start seeing someone else. ""

 

 

After doing that, do nothing. It's a nice neat clean up for being needy, short sweet and to the point. It's manly.

[Milsch]

Here's my plan for you.

 

 

Go NC for 3 weeks (21 days) minimum... after that NC period is up come back and read your post/plans.

 

 

If you feel the same way by then there is nothing anyone is going to say to stop you. you'll have to fall again in order to get back up. BUT I think when you come back to read over your plans you will feel completely different...

 

Thank you for your post.

 

The thing is, if I felt wronged by her (or whatever) then I would probably feel differently in a few weeks. But I don't. I feel like I was the one who actually pushed her away, ruining something great.

 

We'll see... in a way I hope you're right. Three weeks of not talking to her will kill me.

[betterdeal]

Why did you decide to get naked with the other girl? What did you possibly think this girl would feel about that? It's my theory that there's something about her you don't like and the getting naked was a big "f*ck you" to her, or you're not in the mood for a monogamous relationship right now. Either way, you can probably bamboozle your way into her heart again, but you'll hurt her again because the underlying issue will still be there.

 

Up to you. Abuse her if you that sits well in your subconscious, but don't kid yourself: you will be abusing her.

[Milsch]

Why did you decide to get naked with the other girl? What did you possibly think this girl would feel about that? It's my theory that there's something about her you don't like and the getting naked was a big "f*ck you" to her, or you're not in the mood for a monogamous relationship right now. Either way, you can probably bamboozle your way into her heart again, but you'll hurt her again because the underlying issue will still be there.

 

Up to you. Abuse her if you that sits well in your subconscious, but don't kid yourself: you will be abusing her.

 

I appreciate your reply.

 

Maybe it's just my friendship group, but skinny dipping (in the pitch black, btw) simply isn't considered risque or sexual.

 

I know it was a really dumb thing to do, but I don't accept that it was a 'f*ck you' to my gf.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Just write a VERY simple handwritten note, it can look something like this.

 

""I am very sorry for breaching your trust in the way that I did. I am very sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me when you ended it. I would like to be in a commited relationship with you. I am willing to earn your trust back. I am not willing to return to a relationship after the fact. I am not willing to return to a relationship if you decide to see other people as a result of being hurt. I do not want you to decide now, please, take your time and get back to me as soon as you are completely sure.

 

P.S. I am not a cheating pig. I still consider you the only girl for me and will until you say no to this request or start seeing someone else. ""

 

 

After doing that, do nothing. It's a nice neat clean up for being needy, short sweet and to the point. It's manly.

 

Don't do the cheesy note, that will push her away more.

 

She's smarter than that and with it being right after the breakup, you showing neediness, and you not acting like yourself she will see right through that note and know it's an attempt to get her back.

 

It also puts you out on a limb even if you don't say anything that puts you out there. You sending that letter just says "hey you still have me, and I'll be waiting if you decide to come back" <--- safety net?

 

Thank you for your post.

 

The thing is, if I felt wronged by her (or whatever) then I would probably feel differently in a few weeks. But I don't. I feel like I was the one who actually pushed her away, ruining something great.

 

We'll see... in a way I hope you're right. Three weeks of not talking to her will kill me.

 

the first 3 weeks is the hardest, particularly week 3. If you can get through that period you will start thinking more logically and won't act on emotions quite as much.

 

I didn't do any wrong to my ex. she left me without a solid excuse.

I won her back in April 2010 about 3 or 4 hours after she dumped me then. I couldn't give you any advice in winning your ex back because I went to meet my ex after she dumped me ONLY to say goodbye. I left that night with her as my girlfriend again (don't ask how it happened because I honestly don't know). SHE was the one that suggested we continue dating, I never even mentioned the idea.

 

This time around I tried the same approach... she's still my ex, and after doing NC for a few weeks I began to realize she is my ex for a reason. I don't want to go back to that.

[Milsch]

I'm torn about the note.

 

I agree it's needy, but on the other hand maybe she wants to see me actually give a ****.

 

I really want to contact her, but if I want to get her back I think I shouldn't.

 

Not yet.

 

I'm thinking of asking her to meet for a drink on Friday... that breaks NC, but if I can hold it together and just act friendly and a bit aloof...?

 

I dunno. This sucks.

 

Would welcome advice from anyone else...

[betterdeal]

I appreciate your reply.

 

Maybe it's just my friendship group, but skinny dipping (in the pitch black, btw) simply isn't considered risque or sexual.

 

I know it was a really dumb thing to do, but I don't accept that it was a 'f*ck you' to my gf.

 

I'm sure it's just for fun in your group of friends - it was in one of mine a long time ago - but you know and knew it would upset her. I don't need to explain why, you know why and you knew why it is. The interesting question is, why did you do it when you knew it would upset her? I believe it was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Why do you want this girl back? Don't tell me "because I love her". That's a given. Tell me what you want from this relationship. You know you won't be able to both be with her and be skinny dipping or hanging out with your ex, so you lose that freedom. What do you gain in return?

 

These are the sorts of questions to ask yourself whilst you're not in contact with her. If you're not ready to change significantly, don't piss her around. Go and find someone who would be cool with your lifestyle instead.

[karf]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I figured I'd offer my opinion as a recent dumpee.

 

Plan to win her back, but don't try yet. It's too soon and anything you do is likely to backfire. Unless she already wants you back (unlikely) she may well see your efforts to change her mind as you not respecting her decision. Furthermore, if you tell her all sorts of wonderful things (you love her, you want her back, you'll change for her, etc) that will help her feel comfortable with the breakup - you'll be her safety net. If she's going to miss you and regret her decision she has to actually lose you first.

 

In the stories I've read/heard about people getting back together, it's happened in one of two ways:

1) Very soon after the breakup - the dumper has second thoughts.

2) A long, long time (months or years) after the breakup - the couple genuinely fall back in love.

If #1 happens to you, that's awesome, but I don't believe there's anything you can do to increase the chances of that happening (though there are plenty of things you can to *decrease* the chances). The best way to achieve #2 is to go NC for some time and then be an absolute charmer when you guys get back in contact - make her fall in love with you again.

 

I think you should go NC* for at least a month. It'll give you time to clear your head, improve yourself and come to terms with what you really want. Right now you're 100% resolved to get her back. That's fine, and understandable. What you don't want to do right now is act in a way that's going to ruin your chances of achieving that and you also don't want to take any other options off the table. I think NC is the best way of protecting your own chances in this situation.

 

* No Facebook stalking, no IM, no phonecalls, no texts, no e-mails, no notes, no letters, no meetups, no "accidental" meetups, no smoke signals, etc.

Edited August 23, 2011 by karf

[lapse]

I appreciate your reply.

 

Maybe it's just my friendship group, but skinny dipping (in the pitch black, btw) simply isn't considered risque or sexual.

 

I know it was a really dumb thing to do, but I don't accept that it was a 'f*ck you' to my gf.

 

Yah, milsch. I'm with you. I've never gotten in trouble with an SO about it. But for a few years, I thought there was nothing more fun than streaking, skinny dipping, and running through fields naked during thunderstorms. It was liberating - it felt spiritual to me. And, sadly, the streaking was often misinterpreted as a desire for sexual attention. It's unfortunate that nudity is just sexualized. Our bodies are so much more than sexual things!

 

Anyway, I can also understand how an insecure gf might feel about it. I assume you already explained that it's no big deal in that circle. Rationalizing or continuously justifying would deny her feelings. If it were me, the simply apology that someone else suggested would be best right now. However, if I ever discussed it again I would explain that there was nothing risque about it, and that I still feel that way, but that I respect her feelings enough to cease from doing things that will hurt her and I'm glad to know these things so that I understand her better, etc.

[Nsweet]

A very well hand written note will really make a difference to how soon you can contact her after NC.... but that note is going to get nowhere.

 

A good Second chance letter must convey the following points.

-You accept the breakup

-You apologize for rift (if it's small)

-Take into consideration her feelings

-You wish her well

 

What the letter is not

-Not at all needy

-Not an ultimatum

-Not repedative

-Not at all like you want her back!

 

"Dear Emily,

I want to let you know that I come to terms with your decision to end our relationship and really this is best for both of us. I am very sorry for the foolish mistake I made to go skinny diping with my ex that hurt your trust, I should considered your feelings at the time and made a wiser choice.

 

Goodbye Emily, I wish you well."

 

Now after this letter you may be wondering when and if she will ever contact you again. I can promise you she is hurting and missing you as bad as you are but she needs to cool off after the breakup. Not long after she gets this she should contact you with her rationalization of this letter which will seem negative at the time.

 

You need to go NC completely after this and ignore any and all communication with her. Later on she make an attempt to contact you again this time to check up in some form by either saying something like "let menknow you're ok" or "how's are you doing?". Continue to go NC for atleast a week after that until you're ready and don't at all seem needy.

 

Whatever you do in that first contact call,

-Keep it under 30min or less.

-No relationship talk or future speak

-No negative or off putting convorsation

-Absolutely no investing,chasing,prying...

-No jealousy ploys

 

You can contact her once a week after that but only one text and one call a week. The less you contact her the more she will be inclined to contact you back.

[EgoJoe]

Hey now, I was just giving him a rough draft from what I read about his situation. I don't think that note was in cheesy. I've had a recent experience and smart women who love you respond well to simple and effective apologies.

 

I think that grand gestures and elegance have their place in a relationship just not on the back end.

 

After being needy and just quite literally coming out that your emotions got the best of you at that time. I don't think that expressing your desire, your boundaries and a desire to wait (but not forever) is needy. You WANT but you do not PUSH. You do not beg.

 

However, let me reiterate that it is just a rough draft and whatever you do must be followed by space. I also want to point out that you must give her more than she needs in order to create a sense of safety.

[Nsweet]

Take it as you will but your apology note needed work. Psychologically you laid out all your cards and made it seem as though you are putting her under pressure to decide, and were just down right needy.

 

A good breakup letter should be accepting of the breakup, acknowledge the rift that caused you to breakup and take her feelings at that time into consideration, apologize sincerely without defense, and seem as though you are more than willing to live happily without her.

 

Once she gets the message that you won't be there any longer, even if you agreed to be friends, and you no longer communicate with her NC will start to work to allow her to miss you. You have built up enough comfort in the past that even the slightest things trigger memories, you have shared jokes, usual times you used to call. All of these triggers will still be there within those two months or so of NC. So you really have no worries of her not missing you. I can guarantee however that she won't start until you stop all contact with her.

[EgoJoe]

I know to a certain degree and believe that the cessation of contact is very important.

 

I disagree about that apology being needy. From what he illustrated his circumstance required an unabashed apology and admittance followed by terms he'd be willing to live with.

 

My "note" was just an example of how concise he has to be. It can't be long or too wordy. I also believe that asking someone to reconsider based off of very serious outliers is accepting what has already happened and is by no means needy. I do believe that by him not saying he'd wait forever etc. that is reinforced.

 

However, I must reiterate! It was a rough draft and an example! If he wants to be a man, have a shot etc. No games, no bull**** and lead the way to a better relationship and life! I believe that is the man's job!

[Nsweet]

You see right there, your need to outline the relationship and propose a set of boundaries or rules is flawed. Right now she has all the powder because she broke up with him. He has no business trying to tell her what she can and can't do because to her she is 100% right.

 

Your need to keep validating your responses and assuring yourself that you were right just goes to show how weak your character is. A stronger person you present their case and not care what anyone thinks of it, but you have to keep repeating yourself until we all consider your example to be the solution.

[EgoJoe]

What part of him outlining what he is willing to accept is proposing rules?

 

I know for a fact that healthy boundary expression is manly. I'm not repeating myself when I reiterate that there is a way to express yourself without defending what you feel, that isn't needy.

 

The OP expressed concerns about her and another guy. If those were valid then they need to be addressed so that he OUTLINES his complete ambivalence to being a safety net.

 

I would appreciate it if you didn't attack me personally because you disagree. I was not "validating" my responses, I was reinforcing a perspective of honesty and healthy communication. I'm not concerned with who holds all of the "powder" just helping the OP find his sense of self so that he can move forward in a manner that is condusive to compassion, healing and healthy expression.

[Milsch]

Hey, just an update...

 

I broke NC to ask her to have a drink with me next week (foolish).

 

She asked if I was ok, was I 'moody', etc.

 

I kept it brief.

 

Then even more foolishly, I broke NC the next day for some boring chit-chat that didn't go too well (she ended the conversation).

 

I've also written quite a long letter. It has two elements: a frank apology and a reminder of the things that made us good together (eg. the sex, the conversation, etc).

 

I've made it clear that it's not a letter begging her to get back with me (and it genuinely isn't). It's primarily just a heartfelt apology. Not sent it yet, but think I will tomorrow.

 

I'm a bit unsure about the drink on Tuesday now too...

 

Any thoughts?

[EgoJoe]

NO! The only letter that is Ok is simple, ZERO reminiscing. My "rough draft example" was not that great, I admit that the others had a good point. I had hoped to convey that you must be simple and outline boundaries but not ultimatums.

 

Besides! You're having a drink with her. Be easy, no relationship talk and be FUN! Look your absolute best. Do pushups until you can't do anymore before you shower to get dressed and go for the drink.

 

Order a scotch, bourbon, or a cognac on the rocks and sip that ****. Make fun of her in a teasing manner. Smile with your eyes and never be the first to break eye contact.

[M2155]

Don't send the letter. Just go for drinks and be fun like the previous poster said. Depending on where the convo goes, maybe at the end just say something like it was too bad you were so stupid in your actions and really regret that, you two could have had fun times like tonight more often. See where she takes it and fall back.

[Milsch]

I appreciate your replies.

 

I can see where you're coming from with cutting the letter back (or not sending it at all).

 

I would say though that I need to send it. I didn't treat her well, and that is why she is doing this I think. I need to give her a heartfelt apology (which the letter does).

 

The reminiscing isn't sentimental crap - it's fun, cheeky, laughing at her, reminding her of some of the good chat we had together, etc.

 

Bear in mind that I never told this girl (until the break up) that I loved her. We both played games, but I did more than her. So I feel I need to lay everything out now. We were together for a year and she never knew where she stood, or whether it was even a proper relationship.

 

If I go along on Tuesday I think I'll struggle to be this cool, charming person... but doubly so if I hadn't send this letter. If I don't send the letter I will try to say this stuff to her and it won't come out as well.

 

Anyone else got a view on it?

[Milsch]

Here is the letter, I've edited it down and taken out all the stuff about us being good together, etc.

 

--------------------

 

Dear _____,

 

I’m writing you a letter because there are a few things I want to say, but I know that if I tried to say them to you in person I’d ramble, go off on tangents and generally not fully get my point across. And then you’d look at me with your confused face and I’d get even further off track.

 

The first thing to say is about this letter itself: I am not writing to ask you to take me back. I respect your decision. Instead, I just want to apologise.

 

OK, here goes, pride swallowed, inadequacies laid out on the table: while we were together I let you feel insecure (sometimes actively made you feel insecure) and often dismissed your feelings, while all the time arrogantly believing that it would make you like me more.

 

In one sense that was true – I think the fact that other women were into me made me more attractive to you and part of you liked the competition. But I took that much too far and – to be blunt – also hid my true feelings for you. That’s a bad combination and I am not surprised you ended up breaking up with me. If I had been one of your friends (eg. _____ ), I would have advised you to ditch me.

 

We were both too caught up in games and self-preservation to put anything on the line, but I was far more at fault and – looking back – feel like I led the way on that front. It makes me sad that I only told you how I felt at the very end and that then it probably looked like a last-ditch effort to get you to change your mind.

 

Then there was the other major issue that marked our relationship… my close relationship with my ex-girlfriend. The skinny-dipping, which I think is what initially caused you to reconsider our relationship just over a month ago, was a stupid thing to do and my defensive reaction even more so. But the real problem was that I felt so much guilt for ditching _____ (my ex) that I didn’t want to hurt her by letting you fully into my life.

 

I naively thought you were OK with being on the sidelines, that it was just an extension of our game of emotional ‘chicken’ (you know, with the two cars driving at each other, seeing who pulls out first). But how could you have been OK with it? And even if you were, I shouldn’t have been. So that is the other thing I want to apologise for. Weirdly, a small part of me enjoyed having a ‘secret’ relationship – it made it pretty exciting, but it was unsustainable.

 

It upsets me that you never met a lot of the people who are most important to me – especially ______ (and that circle of friends). My two friends who met you – ____ and _____ – both think you are lovely, and I am sure the others would have done too.

 

Like I said, this is not to ask you to take me back, but I hope you can accept my apology.

 

Love,

 

______

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I'm 100% against the letter, but you need to do what you feel is right.

 

bear in mind that if you do follow through with sending the letter, you will be wondering what she thought of it after you send it out. especially if you get together and she doesn't even mention the letter.

 

 

Personally, I think the letter is your way of fighting for that second chance. Whether it is consciously or subconsciously is arguable, but I believe that is your motive in the grand scheme of things, not an apology.