Ex keeps calling & texting me...

[Spices]

First off, I'll give a little history:

 

My ex was very recently divorced. He was actually married when we started dating while never telling me this little fact... I ended up finding out on my own that he was married & I immediately tried to cut ties and end it right there and them. He freaked, confessed that he was falling in love with me, asks his wife for a divorce & moves out immediately. He still loved his wife, but says that he "found something better" in me. I try to persuade him to go back to his wife & make his marriage work. Anyway, he ends up choosing me and divorcing her. We jump into a relationship right away. (I still hold a lot of guilt over this.)

 

He soon started to fall into a deep depression. Turns out he still loves his ex wife very much. He never had time to mourn her on his own & I end up turning into his personal therapist. I definitely felt like things went into rebound territory fast, even though he did inevitably leave her to be with me. (again, I wish it never happened that way)

 

At first, we spent every day together. He then begins to freak out that we're becoming too close after him being so recently divorced & asks for space. He begins to show the typical signs of G.I.G and starts to go out more while distancing himself from me. I started to feel like our relationship was turning one sided & I began to lack trust in him. I asked him several times if he wanted to be single & he'd always say "no, I can't loose you! I don't want to break up. I just need time on my own for a while"

 

I got tired of feeling like I was being strung along & decided to end things myself. He freaked a bit & became very emotional, but agreed that it was probably for the best. He said that he still wanted me in his life & that he couldn't bare to loose me. He also still called me every day, always asked me to come over and he always initiated sex. Naturally this began to drain on my emotions.

 

I told him that we couldn't be friends & that we had to cut contact. This stressed him out a lot. He told me to look at this breakup as more of a break, and that he had to find himself. He said that we couldn't be in a relationship because he respected me too much & didn't want to play me. He said that he had never cheated on me & didn't want to have an "accident" and risk loosing me. I respected this, and agreed that It was better that way. (He's been married 8 years & naturally I'd imagine that he needs to get a few things out of his system)

 

Anyway, I started going no contact. He's been calling & texting me everyday ever since, and I've ignored everything.

 

He called me today, and I answered. He asked me why I haven't been answering his calls & texts; I told him that I've been busy & that I had nothing to say. He said that he had been at a club over the weekend & he wanted me to meet him. We talked casually for a while before I cut the call short saying that I had things to do. He got upset & started to tell me how much he missed me and to "please call" him if I ever needed anything & that he'd always be there for me, blah, blah.

 

I'm a bit confused by this behavior. Is he simply trying to keep me around while he goes out to "find himself"?

Edited August 23, 2011 by Spices

[wilsonx]

wow! big red flag! big big red flag! wow!

 

First I am going to answer your question. This guy is completely emotionally immature. He's one of those people that wants what he cant have. He probably has been bouncing back and forth between you and his wife/exwife.

 

He's playing both of you, and I am pretty sure he's with her now while he's finding himself.

 

You need to exit this asap. Don't call him, don't meet him, change your number if you need to but you need to go hardcore NC forever. This guy has a huge red flag sticking out of his head

[Spices]

wow! big red flag! big big red flag! wow!

 

First I am going to answer your question. This guy is completely emotionally immature. He's one of those people that wants what he cant have. He probably has been bouncing back and forth between you and his wife/exwife.

 

He's playing both of you, and I am pretty sure he's with her now while he's finding himself.

 

You need to exit this asap. Don't call him, don't meet him, change your number if you need to but you need to go hardcore NC forever. This guy has a huge red flag sticking out of his head

 

Yes, this man has been a big red flag from the beginning. Unfortunately, I fell in love with him. I guess I only wanted to see where things went for the experience alone...

 

Though I know he still talks to his ex wife from time to time (which never bothered me) I'm pretty sure that he's not with his ex wife right now. She jumped right into a relationship after they divorced & is currently still in a relationship with the new guy (I know this via Facebook). I know this bothered my ex a bit, but he said that he was happy that she found someone & was doing well. He felt incredibly guilty for breaking her heart.

 

That's not to say that he's not with other woman at the moment. He's going out to clubs, and I'm pretty sure he's hooking up with girls.

 

This morning he sent me a text "Good morning babe, I miss you". I haven't responded. Yes, he still calls me "babe" even though I've asked him not to.

Edited August 23, 2011 by Spices

[Spices]

I never responded to his text so he ended up calling me a little while ago.

 

 

Again, I kept the conversation calm & casual. I told him about my future plans and he seemed pretty supportive. He kept telling me how wonderful I was, which I didn't react to. I then tried to cut the conversation short and he got upset. He kept saying "wait! aww, why are you letting me go? If I was your man you wouldn't let me go so soon, would you?" I told him to stop being silly & to not ask me that question. He then asks me if I would go out to lunch with him soon. I told him that I'd have to see. He said "come on, I miss you, It's only lunch, I just want to see you"

 

Ughhh. I don't know what to do. -_-

[geegirl]

This morning he sent me a text "Good morning babe, I miss you". I haven't responded. Yes, he still calls me "babe" even though I've asked him not to.

 

If he is hooking up with other girls, and trust your gut when it's screaming at you...you're caught up with a simple word "babe"? People who are not even in R's call other people babe or honey or dear sometimes. We cling to things that really don't carry any substance at all because we're wanting it all to mean something. So what if you told him and he won't stop. You've condoned his bad behavior since day one so why would he stop doing what he's naturally ingrained to do because you said stop? And even when you said stop, he continues. He has no respect for your boundaries nor does he have an compassion towards how you are feeling about his need to step away from you.

 

He says he respects you too much and doesn't want to play you? Well, his actions and words are very contradicting. Respecting you and not wanting to play you would be to leave you alone and figure himself out without dragging your through the mud with him. This is not respect. This is manipulation and control.

[geegirl]

I never responded to his text so he ended up calling me a little while ago.

 

 

Again, I kept the conversation calm & casual. I told him about my future plans and he seemed pretty supportive. He kept telling me how wonderful I was, which I didn't react to. I then tried to cut the conversation short and he got upset. He kept saying "wait! aww, why are you letting me go? If I was your man you wouldn't let me go so soon, would you?" I told him to stop being silly & to not ask me that question. He then asks me if I would go out to lunch with him soon. I told him that I'd have to see. He said "come on, I miss you, It's only lunch, I just want to see you"

 

Ughhh. I don't know what to do. -_-

 

Why do you have a need to answer his calls? Where is the need for you to gain your self-respect and dignity by cutting yourself away from someone you know is seeing other women while toying with your emotions just so he can have you sitting on the sidelines waiting for him? What is your reason to keep engaging with him?

 

The biggest red flag of all is the man lied to you about being married. That in itself should have sent you running far and fast. And even till now, his behavior is no less honorable than the day he betrayed his wife, and blatanly lied to you in your face day in and day out until you found out. Why do you believe this is what you deserve?

[Spices]

I guess I simply don't know any different. He's my first everything; first love, best friend, the man I lost my virginity to. :/ I'm very shy & closed off. He's the first person to ever open me up & bring me out of my shell.

 

I know I shouldn't answer his calls, and I'll go days without answering or responding to him, but it only makes him more persistent. Sometimes if I don't answer he'll call me 10 times in a row & leave messages for me to call him back.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I am impressed by your instincts, even though he was your "first everything".

 

You have been SO good at making the right moves (even before my eyes leaped from one paragraph to the next).

 

 

I contend that the VULNERABILITY itself, which you possibly felt for the first time in your life, is most of what you're drawn to about what seems like "him".

 

HE, as a unique and independent being, has HIS OWN ISSUES and very probable SHORTCOMINGS to push past. It is so difficult for you to reason through that directly when you really don't HAVE anybody else to compare him to!

 

 

Your instincts, seemingly on auto-pilot some of the time, have been serving you VERY WELL, and you get extra recognition from my corner for having been strong enough to not let your 'first partner' hold so much importance that you weren't able to be fair to yourSELF.

 

See if you can separate your sense of "him"... from the independent feeling that is your ability/will to trust and be vulnerable WITH him.

 

Once you separate those two forces, you may believe more strongly that you have exactly what it takes to find another partner to whom you can show your vulnerability and find it cherished and adored by a more healthy individual.

 

If you keep trusting your instincts you'll get to a very worthy guy much earlier than would be the case if you keep getting burned while piling-up the bad experiences.

[wilsonx]

I guess I simply don't know any different. He's my first everything; first love, best friend, the man I lost my virginity to. :/ I'm very shy & closed off. He's the first person to ever open me up & bring me out of my shell.

 

I know I shouldn't answer his calls, and I'll go days without answering or responding to him, but it only makes him more persistent. Sometimes if I don't answer he'll call me 10 times in a row & leave messages for me to call him back.

 

Well spices... change your number! Easiest thing to do not to get trapped by these types of people

 

He's emotionally immature. Jumps from one relationship to the next. I was at my friends house today talking to his mom and her and I have talked many times about relationship hoppers. She use to be one too. She told me that she had an ex she ran into 2 years ago that sends her texts asking to hang out to this day. He left her 15 years ago. If you can't fight him on your own, then you need to do something as drastic as change your number for your own mental well being and strength.

[geegirl]

I guess I simply don't know any different. He's my first everything; first love, best friend, the man I lost my virginity to. :/ I'm very shy & closed off. He's the first person to ever open me up & bring me out of my shell.

 

I know I shouldn't answer his calls, and I'll go days without answering or responding to him, but it only makes him more persistent. Sometimes if I don't answer he'll call me 10 times in a row & leave messages for me to call him back.

 

He can call 100 times and if you decide for yourself that you are done with the situation, it won't matter. He is persistent because you have shown him time and time again that after the 10th call, you will do the predictable and pick it up and entertain his assclownery. You teach people how to treat you.

 

And I would hardly consider someone a best friend when they lie and manipulate you. Yes, he may have brought out things about you that you never knew you had inside you, but that does not justify keeping yourself stuck with someone who blatantly disregards and disrespects you.

[Spices]

Yes, you're all right. I'm starting to wonder if I really do have poor willpower... I'd be great at doing no contact if he wouldn't be so persistent in contacting me. I don't even know if I'm ready to go to the extreme to change my number quite yet. It get's hard sometimes because I do end up missing him a lot. I know for a fact that he doesn't want me to get over him. He says his biggest fear is that I'll find someone else. When I told him that I was starting to get over him he got upset & told me that he didn't want me to. He then became overly affectionate (he always get's this way when he thinks he's going to loose me) When I told him that he was torturing me by doing this he backed off for a while, but a few days later he was back full force.

 

On another note, we have pretty intense chemistry between us. Even though I was a virgin when we met he says that I'm one of the best sexual partners he's ever had. When I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore he said he'd respect my wishes, yet he will still try to make sexual advances and begs me to sleep with him whenever we see each other. When I refuse he get's upset and accuses me of torturing him. I'm beginning to wonder if that's all he really wants from me...

Edited August 24, 2011 by Spices

[Spices]

Well spices... change your number! Easiest thing to do not to get trapped by these types of people

 

He's emotionally immature. Jumps from one relationship to the next. I was at my friends house today talking to his mom and her and I have talked many times about relationship hoppers. She use to be one too. She told me that she had an ex she ran into 2 years ago that sends her texts asking to hang out to this day. He left her 15 years ago. If you can't fight him on your own, then you need to do something as drastic as change your number for your own mental well being and strength.

 

Yikes. I hope it doesn't go on that long!

 

Why do some men do this? They're out of the relationship yet they can't let go & let the other person move on. It's incredibly selfish behavior.

[wilsonx]

Oh women do it too... its not sex based =)

[geegirl]

Well, he's going to contact you no matter what you feel or want. So, you can't place any accountability for your need to NC on him. It's all up to you. Until you decide and stand by what you want for yourself, he will disregard your efforts time and time again. Of course he doesn't want you to get over him. You're a benefit to him. Yes, selfishly he can be with other women while you have to stay single because if you attach to another man, he would have lost his benefits with you. He has to keep you engaged to get what he wants from you. An honorable man who loves and cares about your feelings and well being, will let you go when he knows he can't give you what you want because he would want you to be happy and hope you find someone who can give you what you want. But since he blatantly lied about being married and betrayed his wife, honor and integrity is non-existent in this man. So, don't expect him to extend that to you. He will bust your boundaries only to get what he wants, and it's been that way since day one.

 

Chemistry is overrated in an R like yours because all you have is that. What other shared values do the two of you have? No trust. No loyalty. No honesty. No shared goals. No commitment. All you hold on to is chemistry. And the chemistry is off the charts when there's drama and toxicity in your R. Chemistry does not hold an R together. When it fizzles, you have nothing left of substance to make it work. So what if you are his best? I have a strong feeling he's not just telling you that. Trust me, a liar will say whatever you want to hear to keep you feeling like you're great and when you're feeling great, you'll want to please and want to give more because it's an ego boost to you as well. That in turn, again, benefits him. Of course he wants to sleep with you. Again, a man that cares for you as a person, will let you go instead of persisting on getting sex from you. I believe it's pretty plain to see that a big portion of your R with him is sexual. He does not have any regard for you when it comes to anything else about Spices. Trust your instincts when it's screaming at you. If he's sleeping with other women, please be careful if/when you have sex with him.

Edited August 24, 2011 by geegirl

[Spices]

I saw him yesterday, before the hurricane. I guess I just wanted to talk & I think it was good closure for the both of us.

 

He says he still wants me in his life forever, no matter what happens & that he's always going to check up on me.

 

He told me he's dating some people but hasn't had sex with anyone yet (not sure why he told me this because I didn't even ask lol). When I asked him why he said that women become too clingy after sex & that he's not ready for that yet. This surprised me & left me skeptical because he pushed for sex so soon with me, even though it took me 3 months to give in. I told him that I was fine with the idea of him dating (whereas, before I wasn't). He just looked at me and told me that he was not fine with me dating anyone & the thought of me even kissing another man made him feel sick. (I think this is because I have only slept with him & no one else so far).

 

I then told him that we'd probably never work, wished him the best and told him that I hope he finds someone worthwhile. He then questioned me, asking why I didn't think we would work & that he thought we'd be "so great together" (wtf, mixed signals, you think?)

 

I also advised him to not jump into anything too soon because I didn't think he was emotionally ready & I knew how impulsive he was. He then told me that he wasn't impulsive when it came to jumping into relationships, but that I drove him crazy when we met & he lost his ability to think rationally because he was "so in love".

 

We stopped by his house for a second so I could get some things & he didn't try to make any moves on me. He wants to meet on monday & take me out to a movie & dinner... not sure where he's going with this.

 

Anyway, this meeting actually gave me a big peace of mind. Strange as it sounds, I no longer feel that sad or depressed over the breakup.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Spices

[Spices]

Also, I was sick a few days back & when he found out he was angry that I didn't tell him about it. He wanted to come over after work to take care of me but I declined.

 

Has anyone ever had an experience like this? Should I be skeptical to his true intentions? Is he just freaking like this because I didn't cling to him & put up a fight?