NC Questions

[jchips]

Hi Everybody. Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

 

 

I'll spare you the long, involved heart-breaking story, as you already have one of your own to deal with. Suffice it to say I was the dumper. My reasons were totally justifiable but it was still the biggest mistake of my life.

 

 

My question is: When does NC serve no other purpose than to keep a stalemate locked into place?

 

 

What if one or both parties may have had a change of heart but for God's sake, nobody's going to break NC, because everywhere you read or listen it's all about maintaining NC! How will anyone ever know there's been a change of heart if nobody's talking????

 

 

When is NC just a comfortable fall back position for two very stubborn, independent, proud people who would rather stop communicating than to show how much the other has hurt them?

 

 

When is NC no more than a fortress against intimacy when both parties are so hurt, so devastated, so vulnerable and wary it's just way too scary to put yourself out there for fear of getting hurt and humiliated all over again?

 

 

Obviously, I think that in my situation, NC is all of the above. I'm on day 14 after several months of LC for logistical reasons.

 

 

I know how much I hurt him and it was in no way intentional and I sure wish I had handled it differently. And he knows how much he has hurt me because I would never, ever have ended it with the love of my life if he hadn't f****d up big time. We both screwed up majorly and we are both in terrible pain over what the other one did.

 

 

My feeling is that NC is being used in this situation to hide from each other & lick our wounds & in some twisted way show the other that we don't care anymore. And I know nothing could be further from the truth.

 

 

So under what circumstances would you say NC is BS?

[WindWhisperer]

Is it your pride that is stopping you from contacting him?

How I've understood it is that its best for the dumpee to stay NC.

But I know how proud and stubborn my ex is. And so you do have valid questions that I loved how you worded.

 

Although I did make mistakes and will admit to them he was the main culprit.

I've managed 16 days NC. And I've also started wondering what you have.

(Don't worry LS, I won't message him). Just want to see what opinions come up from your post

[jchips]

Hi Whisperer,

 

 

I have 14 days NC but it seems like 200 years. Congrats on 16 days. I hope I can make it that long.

 

 

My pride is definitely a part of it. After the break-up, like several days later I apologized and said let's work this out, but he was seriously hurt. I understand that. And he was seriously pissed- at me and at himself for screwing up. He said no. So I went from dumper to dumpee in a few days! During the LC he kept saying, "... if you need to talk..."

 

 

And it was my pride that kept me from saying anything more. It was like, well, I went down that road once already. I don't need to have another knife shoved in my heart. But he kept saying "... if you want to talk..." but he never said he wanted to talk. So we went NC.

 

And now it seems so stupid to be doing this! But I feel too vulnerable to put my heart out there again if he's still angry and hurt- he'll just push me away again.

[WindWhisperer]

He is probably as you said really hurt. And needs some time to think about it.

See, my ex hasn't contacted me at all since the break up... So its a bit different.

[jchips]

Well, regardless of the situation, I hope that your NC helps in the way you want it to. 16 days, even if it feels like 600 years, is not very long. Hang in there.

 

I'm sticking with NC even though I'm not even sure it makes sense! At least in the short term, it's keeping me from humiliating myself or putting my heart out there to be bludgeoned! ;-)

[citrusdrop1688]

Im one month no contact and I understand how you feel. For me its confusing and complicated because he was the dumper but I agreed with his reasoning. We were trying to work things out after both of us had made some mistakes and hurt the other.

 

We said we were treating it like a new relationship and letting go of the past. But I think it was too fresh. Whenever either of us showed anything that resembled old behavior we would over react and go to the extremes of disasterizing the situation.

 

So I want to contact him... the last week has been the worst its been the whole time. I feel conflicted. I want to wait because he ended things and I dont want to contact him first. I also want to wait because I almost feel like im doing nc so we can work things out later. That until we had let go of the pain and feel ready to try again and really give it a shot- which we both acknowledged as a possibility- theres really no point in contacting him. If I do it too soon I could ruin any lingering chance we have. However i feel like if I wait too long itll be too late. I guess the last one is just fear. I dont WANT to be the one to contact him. He ended things so I feel like he should have to reach out to me. And I told him that last time we spoke.

 

Pride... pain... confusion. I dont know what to do. Someone told me that until I know for sure I shouldnt do anything... probably good advice.

[WindWhisperer]

Citrus... Sounds like you are going through exactly what I am. To the T.

I'm not sure so that is good advice.

If I did message him I'm so afraid of rejection.

I've asked his sister not to tell me things about him but sometimes she slips...

She said last night that he doesn't look happy but she can never tell with him. So I asked her again to stop. It doesn't help me.

But we both agreed that he has the most pride out of anyone we know so its possible that IF he is having second thoughts... He pride is preventing him from doing anything.

This is why this thread interests me so.

There are so many opinions on the whole thing..

Screw the ex!

Fight for what you love!

Out of sight out of mind!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

If you love something let it go....

 

So many different quotes/sayings/opinions/thoughts. It seems impossible to determine which one is best for me/you/us.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I was the dumper. My reasons were totally justifiable but it was still the biggest mistake of my life.

 

 

My question is: When does NC serve no other purpose than to keep a stalemate locked into place?

 

 

 

So under what circumstances would you say NC is BS?

 

 

No Contact is more beneficial for the dumpee. the dumper, typically, is distanced enough before the breakup takes place for contact to affect them to the extent that it will the dumpee.

 

No Contact is used for 2 different things

 

1.) Healing (primarily for the dumpee), most LSers preach NC to heal and move on. This advice is given more often to the dumpee, but I've seen a few posts where it was the best thing for the dumper as well.

 

2.) In order to get an ex back. All "get your ex back" courses, books, ebooks, ect.. use NC as a tool to get an ex back. Their theory/logic seems dead on but they are in no way 100% on the money.

 

 

 

 

NC becomes a stalemate when the dumper has to much pride to come back to the dumpee. The dumpee just may want another try at the relationship just the like dumper in this case, BUT it should not be the dumpee's responsibility to make the first move in a breakup... after all, they were the one to get dumped so why should they take the initiative to go back? they've already been hurt enough.

 

the dumper ultimately breaks the relationship, logically thinking, they have the responsibility to repair what is broken if they have a change in heart.

 

 

 

NC is never BS for the dumpee. It shows the dumper a level of independence that they would not have seen while in the relationship, they get a chance to heal, and they get to find someone new without a breadcrumb throwing ex just around the corner.

 

For the dumper it could be BS... IF they truly want reconciliation.

 

 

 

 

You said you made the biggest mistake of your life. I'm not sure what your story is but you also mentioned that you both hurt each other and your reasoning for breaking up is totally justifiable. You were the dumper, the ball is in your court for the most part. Now question yourself. Do you truly want to reconcile? Does he make your life better? Do you make his life better? How bad do you want reconciliation?

 

Like I said the ball is in your court for the most part, but a team never wins without passing the ball. If you only want him because you are lonely just forget about any recon attempts and keep the ball. But if you truly want a relationship with this guy then put yourself out there and pass that ball.

 

 

Good Luck with your decision.

[jonymac001]

Particularly interested in Colorado question suggestions since there's no 2012 Gubernatorial or Senate race to poll there. We'll obviously look at the basics- Obama v. Romney, Bachmann, Perry, Cain, and Palin, GOP primary, approvals for Hickenlooper, Udall, and Bennet. But what else beyond that stuff would you like to see us ask about?

 

There's going to be a lot of focus on the North Carolina poll to get a gauge of what Tar Heel fans think about the recent developments with the football program so question ideas along those lines would be much appreciated, as well as more general political question ideas.

[jchips]

You said you made the biggest mistake of your life. I'm not sure what your story is but you also mentioned that you both hurt each other and your reasoning for breaking up is totally justifiable. You were the dumper, the ball is in your court for the most part. Now question yourself. Do you truly want to reconcile? Does he make your life better? Do you make his life better? How bad do you want reconciliation?

 

Like I said the ball is in your court for the most part, but a team never wins without passing the ball. If you only want him because you are lonely just forget about any recon attempts and keep the ball. But if you truly want a relationship with this guy then put yourself out there and pass that ball.

 

I mentioned earlier that I did make an attempt at reconciliation, but it was almost immediately after the split. At that point he was so hurt and angry (at me and at himself, I'm guessing) that he was having nothing to do with it in no uncertain terms. So, I did pass the ball to his court, but my timing was horrible. At that point I felt like I became both the dumper and the dumpee. After that, he said "... if you need to talk..." but he never said he wanted to talk. So I was reluctant to approach the subject again because I was blasted down so hard the first time. So whose court is the ball in now? I have no idea.

 

You make a great point though, Phoenix. And that is that by NC, I'm making it clear that the humongous mistakes he made that lead to me calling it quits were serious and I have no desire to return to the same types of behaviors. Granted, I have some things I need to work on, too.

 

But Phoenix, if you knew my ex and how unbelievable stubborn he is, you'd probably agree that it's not healthy to just shut down like that because you're hurt, especially if the person you love would love to get back with you.

 

This is really a hard one for me. Give him space to heal? And risk a pointless stalemate? Or put my heart back out on the line and risk him still being so hurt and angry he shoves me away again? Ouch.

 

I'm sticking with the dumper/dumpee NC simply because I don't know what else to do.

[cowboysmavs]

I'm sorry for prying but didn't see it. Can you tell us what he did for you to break up with him? I honestly feel like if you want to be with him you have given him space and eventually you have to try. I would want you to try back slowly as I am a guy. Don't go all in if we get back together blah blah blah. Ya know. Just something simple to try and get through the wall of stubborness.

[jchips]

Can you tell us what he did for you to break up with him? I honestly feel like if you want to be with him you have given him space and eventually you have to try. I would want you to try back slowly as I am a guy. Don't go all in if we get back together blah blah blah. Ya know. Just something simple to try and get through the wall of stubborness.

 

Hi Cowboy,

 

 

I didn't go into all the details of the break-up because I had posted it before but here goes.

 

 

First off, I just want to say my ex is a wonderful man and I absolutely adore being with him. He's a complete gem. But, he's a porn addict. I don't mean he digs porn and watches it whenever. I mean a total addict- craving, withdrawal, can't stop, obsesses over it, hides it, lies about it, and it broke up his marriage before me.

 

 

To his credit, he was in recovery, going to 2-3 SAA meetings a week and a men's group on top of that. I know he really tried. I don't doubt that for a minute. But he was under a lot of stress- out of work, too much time on his hands, his mom terminally ill and we were planning our wedding. Yup. We had deposits on the venue, the caterer, the officiant, the photographer and the wedding gown! I was ready to marry him!

 

 

Then, three months before the big day I find out he has been in full-on relapse for over 3 months and didn't even tell his sponsor or his 12-step group. I freaked. I couldn't believe he could lie to the very guys who were suppose to be there for him & understood how hard it was. And he had been lying to me big time about all kinds of things to cover it up.

 

 

It was the lying to me the whole time that just tore me up. I thought we were on the same team, y'know? I thought we were friends and he could tell me anything.

 

 

But I freaked out when I found out the truth. I just couldn't see past my own devastation and hurt. I couldn't imagine how I would ever be able to trust him again. I had a complete melt-down and called the whole relationship off.

 

 

A few days later, after I cooled down, I realized that I had completely over-reacted and that if he was still willing, we could start over, get into couple's counseling, etc, etc & we could do this.

 

 

But the day I approached him about reconciling, he was so angry at the world it seemed, that he was saying no to everything I said. Knowing him, anger is how he covers up more vulnerable feelings. So I honestly think he was just devastated, too. I know he loves me and he wanted to marry me but he really blew it and he knew it.

 

 

I still really want to try to work it out, but I have no desire to get the major rejection he gave me that day. And I'm scared that he's just given up on his recovery and is over at his place having a grand ol' time watching as much porn as he likes.

 

 

I have no idea what to do. So I'm staying with NC until my inner wisdom kicks in and tells me how to proceed.

 

 

But I like your idea to make the approach more slowly this time, if I do it. At this point, coming on too strong could put up his defenses all over again.

 

 

Thanks for listening, Cowboysandmavs.

[jchips]

 

Pride... pain... confusion. I dont know what to do. Someone told me that until I know for sure I shouldnt do anything... probably good advice.

 

That's exactly what I'm feeling, too. So I'm sticking with NC until I can figure out the best way to approach him. But I'm as stubborn as he is and I'm afraid if this goes on too much longer, we'll never find our way back.

 

Good luck, Citrus.

[WindWhisperer]

Ichips

Are you the dumper?

[jchips]

Are you the dumper?

 

Yeah, originally I was the dumper. But when I went back to him a few days later to say I had overreacted and let's try to resolve this, he was having no part of it. He did NOT want to work things out. So at that point, I felt like the dumpee.

 

So I feel like I'm BOTH the dumper and the dumpee. Great, huh?

[cowboysmavs]

Not trying to be rude in anyway, but it sounds like he has ALOT of issues do deal with. I don't think your reaction was all that crazy but you did know he was an addict and there was a possiblity of relapse. He still should have been apologetic about what he did though. Maybe it is just like you said and he is on a "binge" right now. I'm not an expert on porn addiction but it happens to people with drug addictions. They kind of say F they world. Even people that care about them. Its like they think everyone is against them. I know from experience with my little bro and meth. It sucks and you are pretty much helpless. You have to really ask yourself if you want to deal with all those issues that could possibly never be resolved.

[jchips]

I don't think your reaction was all that crazy but you did know he was an addict and there was a possiblity of relapse. He still should have been apologetic about what he did though. Maybe it is just like you said and he is on a "binge" right now. I'm not an expert on porn addiction but it happens to people with drug addictions. They kind of say F they world. Even people that care about them. Its like they think everyone is against them. I know from experience with my little bro and meth. It sucks and you are pretty much helpless. You have to really ask yourself if you want to deal with all those issues that could possibly never be resolved.

 

Thanks for the validation that my reaction to his relapse wasn't "all that crazy."

 

In fairness to him, when it all came out about his relapse he was extremely apologetic and remorseful. He was really torn up over it. He knew it would hurt me and it did and he felt terrible about it.

 

Sorry to hear about your brother & meth. Yikes! That's really scary & has got to be hard on everybody! You hit the nail on the head, though. My ex seems to be in f*** everybody mode since the break-up. That's one reason why NC makes so much sense, because right now, he's so angry and hurt he can't hear anything.

 

But I still love him. And I don't want to be a freaking co-dependent. So I'm stuck between wanting to reach out to him and say:

 

"Look, what we had was 95% awesome by both of our reckonings. You had a good run of sobriety. I'll stand by you and work on my own issues (oh, yes, I'm not without some of the blame here) and let's both get the help we need and get this back on track."

 

And the other part of me feeling like keeping up the NC because this is his demon. He's either going to deal with it or not. Nothing I can say or do will change that or else I'm thinking like a complete co-dependent! If he wants to rethink his sobriety and his commitment to his program, he knows where to find me.

 

That's why this NC is not so black and white, especially when you're both the dumper and the dumpee! At what point do you go ahead and speak your truth and let the cards fall where they may? Or do you just bottle it up and never find out if it could have been worked out?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

That's why this NC is not so black and white, especially when you're both the dumper and the dumpee! At what point do you go ahead and speak your truth and let the cards fall where they may? Or do you just bottle it up and never find out if it could have been worked out?

 

 

NC is black and white. It's either you want him back (truly), or you don't. The rolls of dumper/dumpee never changed regardless of how you feel, you were the one who ultimately terminated the relationship with justifiable reason (you being dumper, him dumpee).

 

If you truly do love him and want him back you would put aside your pride, speak the truth, and "let the cards fall where they may", as you put it. If you don't love him you will cope with your hurt and proceed with NC.

[wilsonx]

 

Sorry to hear about your brother & meth. Yikes! That's really scary & has got to be hard on everybody! You hit the nail on the head, though. My ex seems to be in f*** everybody mode since the break-up. That's one reason why NC makes so much sense, because right now, he's so angry and hurt he can't hear anything.

 

That's why this NC is not so black and white, especially when you're both the dumper and the dumpee! At what point do you go ahead and speak your truth and let the cards fall where they may? Or do you just bottle it up and never find out if it could have been worked out?

 

NC is black and white, you either do it or you dont. There is no gray area.

 

You saw a problem, its a valid problem in the relationship, its an addiction. You ended the relationship. You stood up for yourself. This is a valid reason for a breakup in my opinion.

 

Now you are feeling a lot of guilt and probably depression because of your actions. This is completely normal. You did not relationship hop into the arms of another guy. You are doing this the emotionally mature way.

 

To keep going this way, you HAVE to let him go. His problem is no longer your problem. There is no possible way to ever make THIS relationship work again. He has an addiction. Until he conquers this on his own WITHOUT OUTSIDE HELP, he will never be happy with his own life. If he is not happy with his own life, he will rely on other people for his own happiness and a relationship of codependency like he will pursue will never work long term.

 

Don't feel guilty about your decision, its an extremely difficult decision to make and you made it. Now you have to focus on YOU and not him and the easiest way is by NC. And to clarify. You are the dumper that was rejected at reconciliation. That does not make you a dumpee.

Edited August 24, 2011 by wilsonx

[jchips]

NC is black and white. It's either you want him back (truly), or you don't. The rolls of dumper/dumpee never changed regardless of how you feel, you were the one who ultimately terminated the relationship with justifiable reason (you being dumper, him dumpee).

 

Phoenix and Wilsonx, thank you for your input. With genuine respect to both of your points of view, I think this is a perfect example of the venus/mars schism. Guys, in general, have a very difficult time of seeing anything BUT black and white. Nor can a person be BOTH the dumper and the dumpee, in most guy's estimation. It's impossible to imagine one person acting from two diametrically opposed positions. That's why you guys are so baffled by us. Women can have a 100 positions at once. At least I can. This is a fundamental difference between the sexes and it has to be acknowledged and respected.

 

So, yes, I do respect your point of view. And I'm also hear to say, from my perspective, it ain't black and white at all. Love between two people is probably the most complicated of all human dynamics. It cannot be pigeon-holed in to one way or another way. Black or white. Ridiculous! It's just way too complicated for that.

 

If you truly do love him and want him back you would put aside your pride, speak the truth, and "let the cards fall where they may", as you put it. If you don't love him you will cope with your hurt and proceed with NC.

 

I recognize that I posted my question because I basically wanted permission to take a huge risk and break NC as a dumpee. And the truth is, I don't need anyone's permission to follow my heart.

 

Earlier, Cowboysandmavs suggested if I decide to make a move, to do it gently and not throw the whole "let's get back together" spiel at him at once. Sage advice. But yeah, Phoenix, I do love him. And yeah, he f*** up royally. But if he's willing to work on his stuff, I'm willing to work on mine. I'm willing to give it a try.

 

I don't know how, because I'm scared as s*** to do it, but I'm going to find a way to see if we can make this work.

 

(Interestingly, I got a package in the mail this afternoon from my ex -so he broke his NC- with cd's he knows are especially meaningful to both of us. There was a card from him too, saying "Things just aren't the same without you." To me, this says he's reaching out. Maybe in the 4 months since we broke it off, he's been doing some thinking. What he's come up with I have no idea.)

 

So, rather than pose my next question: How do you go about resuming contact with an ex in hopes of reconciliation, be supportive of his recovery (if he's even thinking of that) and stay sane and not co-dependent at the same time? (A CoSAA meeting may be in my future.) I think I'll post it on a new thread to keep the issues separate.

 

I genuinely want to thank everybody for their input, ESPECIALLY the guys, because wisdom truly comes from considering all points of view, I think. And whether or not there's a venus/mars thing with regard to subtle nuances in handling situations, I pretty much bet my ex sees things in black and white, dumper and dumpee, like so many others do. So I appreciate the insights.

 

Good luck to us all!

[wilsonx]

I gave you perspective on one of your earlier posts a month ago. You have broken the trust. It is black and white. The relationship is over. You ended it.

 

If you were to reconcile, the relationship would be toxic, he would never trust you again not to make the same decision because you lost your cool. If he did get back together with you, he would resent you. It would eat him alive inside. It is that simple, you are talking to one of the most logical guys on this board.

 

But if thats your decision you talk to him face to face for reconciliation. Tell him you made a mistake and that you are sorry.

 

You have to be willing to accept that he may not take you back and accept it and then move on.

 

What you don't understand is the fundamental problem of your relationship is you are trying to change him and his addiction. You can not change somebody. At all, you either accept them for who they are or you move on. I'm pretty sure his porn addiction was around before you were in the picture. He has to be willing to do this on his own. You said he did it once but stopped. What makes you think he wont stop again. This is a huge fundamental flaw in women is to think that something else will cause a person to change. My boss at work wife left him because she thought his communication problems would change after having kids. Guess what, he was like that for 30+ years, he's not going to change unless he does it on his own. That's the way he is.

 

If you honestly think I am wrong, I challenge you to prove me wrong. Get back together with him. See how it works out. You don't even have to tell me, I will know

Edited August 24, 2011 by wilsonx

[jchips]

You have broken the trust. It is black and white. The relationship is over. You ended it.

 

If you were to reconcile, the relationship would be toxic... If he did get back together with you, he would resent you. It would eat him alive inside.

 

I broke the trust? That's hilarious, wilson. It speaks volumes to your powers as a logician.

 

Listen, with all due respect to your position "on the board," you do not know my ex, nor the intimate details of our relationship, nor the nature of his recovery. What you do know about these things is what little I have chosen to share with you. So, in essence, what I'm hearing from you at this point is nothing more than your own projections. I have to say, Wilson, you seem to hold a very dark picture of humanity and of love. I truly feel for you. It must be a very bleak existence.

 

Nevertheless, I appreciate your contributions. And I wish you well. Good luck, buddy.

[wilsonx]

See you are on the board asking for advice. You have no concept of what to do. We gave you advice.

 

Now you are character bashing.

 

Whats sad is that most people would accept their ex's back within the time frame you are with your ex.

 

Your ex with a porn addiction so far has turned you down and you are looking at us for advice. Who's character is flawed?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Phoenix and Wilsonx, thank you for your input. With genuine respect to both of your points of view, I think this is a perfect example of the venus/mars schism. Guys, in general, have a very difficult time of seeing anything BUT black and white. Nor can a person be BOTH the dumper and the dumpee, in most guy's estimation. It's impossible to imagine one person acting from two diametrically opposed positions. That's why you guys are so baffled by us. Women can have a 100 positions at once. At least I can. This is a fundamental difference between the sexes and it has to be acknowledged and respected.

Difference between the sexes? yes... but what you have listed as differences is completely biased and stereotypical. those differences are not between sexes, more so the differences between individuals.

 

So, yes, I do respect your point of view. And I'm also hear to say, from my perspective, it ain't black and white at all. Love between two people is probably the most complicated of all human dynamics. It cannot be pigeon-holed in to one way or another way. Black or white. Ridiculous! It's just way too complicated for that.

 

you are correct!! Love is probably the most complicated thing, but what you are failing to realize is we aren't talking about love at this point. you have broken up and you asked about NC, not love.

 

NC is black and white... you do it or you don't.

 

 

I recognize that I posted my question because I basically wanted permission to take a huge risk and break NC as a dumpee. And the truth is, I don't need anyone's permission to follow my heart.

 

you are correct again. you don't need permission from anyone to break NC. All we can provide on here is advice from personal experiences and opinions. Although, I hope you are using your head while following your heart.

 

Earlier, Cowboysandmavs suggested if I decide to make a move, to do it gently and not throw the whole "let's get back together" spiel at him at once. Sage advice. But yeah, Phoenix, I do love him. And yeah, he f*** up royally. But if he's willing to work on his stuff, I'm willing to work on mine. I'm willing to give it a try.

 

First Bold: yes don't throw it all at him at once if you do plan a reconciliation attempt. you stand the chance of pushing him away or scaring him. You tried already (pretty small attempt if you ask me) and failed, but you acknowledged that he was hurting. Give him a few weeks to start thinking clearly and for the resentment to settle then try again if you must.

 

Second Bold: you should be using this time to work on yourself regardless of whether he is or not. To not take this opportunity to work on yourself is just asking for the same problems that you presented in your relationship with your ex to arise in the new future relationship.

 

I don't know how, because I'm scared as s*** to do it, but I'm going to find a way to see if we can make this work.

 

(Interestingly, I got a package in the mail this afternoon from my ex -so he broke his NC- with cd's he knows are especially meaningful to both of us. There was a card from him too, saying "Things just aren't the same without you." To me, this says he's reaching out. Maybe in the 4 months since we broke it off, he's been doing some thinking. What he's come up with I have no idea.)

 

he reached out, but not completely. I'm not sure if you two have played any mind games post breakup but I would pull a stunt like this on my ex if she pushed me any further.

 

But regardless of whether he reached out or not, it doesn't matter. you two are still broken up and depending on IF you reach out, you might reconcile. Like I said in my other post: just pass the ball, but again... only if you truly want reconciliation.

 

So, rather than pose my next question: How do you go about resuming contact with an ex in hopes of reconciliation, be supportive of his recovery (if he's even thinking of that) and stay sane and not co-dependent at the same time? (A CoSAA meeting may be in my future.) I think I'll post it on a new thread to keep the issues separate.

 

the answer to that question is a matter of choice, circumstances, and your ex's choice. If you are on good grounds with him I would suggest Limited Contact, where you will act somewhat distant while in contact and not get to personal (this means not talking about the relationship, or problems). After a little while you could suggest the idea of reconciliation.

 

Another approach is NC for a few weeks then try to reappear into his life as a friend and work up to reconciliation (this is more for the dumpee though, and from my definition you are the dumper).

 

I genuinely want to thank everybody for their input, ESPECIALLY the guys, because wisdom truly comes from considering all points of view, I think. And whether or not there's a venus/mars thing with regard to subtle nuances in handling situations, I pretty much bet my ex sees things in black and white, dumper and dumpee, like so many others do. So I appreciate the insights.

 

Good luck to us all!

 

none of us know your ex like you do, use that knowledge for your benefit... just don't abuse that knowledge and cause more pain to him.

[fetish1980]

I gave you perspective on one of your earlier posts a month ago. You have broken the trust. It is black and white. The relationship is over. You ended it.

 

If you were to reconcile, the relationship would be toxic, he would never trust you again not to make the same decision because you lost your cool. If he did get back together with you, he would resent you. It would eat him alive inside. It is that simple, you are talking to one of the most logical guys on this board.

 

But if thats your decision you talk to him face to face for reconciliation. Tell him you made a mistake and that you are sorry.

 

You have to be willing to accept that he may not take you back and accept it and then move on.

 

What you don't understand is the fundamental problem of your relationship is you are trying to change him and his addiction. You can not change somebody. At all, you either accept them for who they are or you move on. I'm pretty sure his porn addiction was around before you were in the picture. He has to be willing to do this on his own. You said he did it once but stopped. What makes you think he wont stop again. This is a huge fundamental flaw in women is to think that something else will cause a person to change. My boss at work wife left him because she thought his communication problems would change after having kids. Guess what, he was like that for 30+ years, he's not going to change unless he does it on his own. That's the way he is.

 

If you honestly think I am wrong, I challenge you to prove me wrong. Get back together with him. See how it works out. You don't even have to tell me, I will know

 

very true and agree 100%. once a relationship is ended for whatever reason, the plug is basically pulled and even attempts at trying to do shock treatment (going back todether), it eventually stays on life support just long enough but flatlines quickly.

 

fetish