lovelinefan Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 One of my very best friends and his wife are still friendly with my ex-fiance, who left me 2.5 years ago. This bothers me A LOT, for some reason, and I feel like a selfish prick because of it. I know they can tell that it bothers me, but I feel like I am losing them to her, like it's some sort of competition. I still have pain in my heart when I think about her, and I hate to think that people that mean so much to me can be friendly with someone that hurt me so badly. I see this as a few separate problems including my inability to heal completely or forgive her, etc. Any advice you all could provide to me would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 If this bothers you so much you should cut contact with them and move on. Perhaps even explain why (although I'm sure they would guess). This is completely understandable
stillafool Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I agree. That's why I always kept 3 sets of friends when I was dating.
CarrieT Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I still have pain in my heart when I think about her, and I hate to think that people that mean so much to me can be friendly with someone that hurt me so badly. You are expecting others to share your pain however you have to remember there was a reason you fell in love with her in the first place. And perhaps it is THOSE qualities that your friends still see in her and asking third party individuals - who have no vested interest in the outcome - to choose between you and her is wrong. Have your friends been supportive of you (other than not dropping her)? Have they done anything else to hurt you? Than I think you should cut them some slack. They should not have to choose between you two nor should they have to lose either of your friendships because it didn't work out between you two. Sorry, but I think you are being selfish. They have an entirely different relationship with her than you did and there is no reason they should have to end that relationship or alter the way they feel about her - or YOU - just because the two of you couldn't make it work.
Kendal Pierce Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 "I still have pain in my heart when I think about her, and I hate to think that people that mean so much to me can be friendly with someone that hurt me so badly." I can understand where you are coming from, it can really be annoying that your friends are indeed maintaining good friendship with your ex. For whatever reason that the relationship ended, as it is such a long time ago I think it is high time that you should have moved on. And to really accomplish this goal, you should forget everything that reminds you of your ex. Now I am not suggesting that you leave and not these common friend you have with your ex, what I am saying is that if you can see them less often and communicate with them less often than what you used to do then it will be well and good for you. Less contact with them, lesser stress on you being reminded of your ex.
SillyS Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 It's hard for people. We get to meet these people that you think the world of and are in love with, and then we accept them as so and so's friend, and then suddenly it ends and we are forced to hate this individual. We do not like our friends being treated badly, but there is always two stories to every break up and it's a shame that people come into our lives and then are taken out of it without our own control. So we say, no we shall not talk to John or whoever. But then a year goes by, and maybe you have moved on to the next guy and John wants to as FRIEND talk to us and say hi and slowly build a friendship with us. Of course never date your friends exes and really even maintain a line, but it's quite hard for us to know which guys can or cannot be casually accepted by us as people in our lives as well. It's also very possessive as well. Maybe not everything in our lives is about you, and we sometimes click with men you used to be with, and should remember that we love and want you in our lives but its been multiple years so your focus shouldn't be on our friendship but why the hell are you still focusing on this guy?! I'm sorry to be so harsh. But this happens to me all the time. I got yelled at once for waiving at a guy my friend used to go out with and comon life is just far too short for all the unnecessary drama people create!!
Author lovelinefan Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 You are all right, I am being selfish and possessive, and it's been a long time - but I am just reacting to the *feelings* this brings up in my gut - I've known it doesn't make sense logically forever, it just makes me feel unloved, abandoned, betrayed, and it's the feeling I can't get over. what I am saying is that if you can see them less often and communicate with them less often than what you used to do then it will be well and good for you. Less contact with them, lesser stress on you being reminded of your ex. The thing that really bothers me is, I am seeing less of them by default, I think because they are seeing more of her. It's like they have decided to switch from "siding" with me to her - and I know it's not fair to expect someone to choose sides, but that's what I really want if I'm being honest with my childish self - she hurt me so badly that she doesn't deserve to stay in contact with MY friends. I know/childish.
visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I had to downsize my "so called" friends. Hurt to make the choice but for me, it was a better choice.
Emilia Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 The thing that really bothers me is, I am seeing less of them by default, I think because they are seeing more of her. It's like they have decided to switch from "siding" with me to her - and I know it's not fair to expect someone to choose sides, but that's what I really want if I'm being honest with my childish self - she hurt me so badly that she doesn't deserve to stay in contact with MY friends. I know/childish. It's a completely normal way to feel and I think it would be good for you to take a break from them.
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