Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 For the relationship to last? Of course, physical attraction is just one component, but it's pretty damn important. Say if you are attracted to someone physically and all other components are in place. But it's not that blood boiling, all-consuming passion. Is that enough? It seems a bit like a fairy-tale to me that you can have that sort of passion plus emotional and intellectual connection. In fact, I have never met anyone that I felt that way about in 32 years. It's my estimate that maybe 5% of all couples have all 3 connections in abundance. I am just wondering if anything less than that is settling.
Duckduckgoose Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 You're both gonna get old and ugly. Not to mention bodily functions. Have fun with that. I prefer emotional and intellectual over straight physical attraction. I would **** the brains off a hot guy, but that's not saying much as most of the hot ones don't have much brains I think everyone "settles" in the end. There's always someone better out there, so to stick with who you have is "settling".
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 I also kind of feel that women can be content without that crazy passion more so than men.....
LoveandSuch Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 All three equals a fabulous relationship. I had a relationship with all three, this was awhile ago, best relationship I had. Finding all 3 is quite difficult. The emotional one is asking alot from men. This guy was very comfortable with his emotions and sharing without it seeming like issues or red flags, just pure raw emotion.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 All three equals a fabulous relationship. I had a relationship with all three, this was awhile ago, best relationship I had. Finding all 3 is quite difficult. The emotional one is asking alot from men. This guy was very comfortable with his emotions and sharing without it seeming like issues or red flags, just pure raw emotion. And yet, it didn't last.....
sm1tten Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I've had all three, twice. Neither time lasted. Subsequently, it's no longer what I'm looking for, although it's nice to have. The last date I went on, the guy told me that he didn't feel enough spark with me. I laughed when I thought of how many guy LSers say that only women put too much emphasis on the total chemistry package.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I believe passion is pretty damned important, but that doesn't necessarily equal conventionally "hot". It is more about chemistry--smell (natural smell, not cologne or soap) being at least as important than looks Actions and attitude can also contribute to, or destroy, passion. I don't see the point of having a romantic relationship without significant passion from the start. It will ebb and flow over the course of a longterm relationship, but it needs to be part of the relationship.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Things like that change with age and mileage. It's rather easy for a young person to view life in terms of their experience when they haven't lost anything yet to age or mileage or both. After that the physical attraction thing can be partially traded in for the other things that make her or him so precious. I think it comes to be more of how much unattractiveness you're willing to put up with rather than how close one is to perfection that an older person balances in how they feel about their partner. I'd like be able to have my fantasy do I rate that?
neowulf Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Meh, I keep swinging back and forth on this one. In the end, you have to ask yourself... if you marry this person, ideally they're the last person you'll ever be intimate with. Keeping in mind that passion fades with time anyway, if you start at the bottom, that's not a whole way to drop. What I'm chasing is a "unique" feeling for my partner. It doesn't have to be a "burning passion", but it does have to be something that I don't feel for other people on a regular basis. Because if you feel you can "Take it or leave it", that doesn't seem like an overly strong basis to build a relationship on. Is it more painful being alone than married to someone who clearly isn't "into you"
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Say if you are attracted to someone physically and all other components are in place. But it's not that blood boiling, all-consuming passion. Is that enough? It can't be just physical lust and blood boiling, all consuming passion. For me, anyway. In my experience, that kind of relationship based on the above is a red flag and relationships like that don't last. There has to be more on the table for me than just that kind of passion.
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I would expect everyone's perspective to be unique, perhaps in a range; my data point is that the most lasting physical attraction has resulted from a strong feeling of familiarity/chemistry upon meeting, regardless of physical attributes, and growing that dynamic through time, exposure and sharing those aspects with each other. For myself, this is how a woman 'rises from the page' and, with intimacy and commitment, I could see that dynamic lasting a long time. Conversely, having experienced that dynamic over a span of decades and witnessing its death, it was not the physical itself which waned, but rather the loss/betrayal of intimacy which broke the attraction and connection. Literally, when the truth was plainly visible, all those wonderful feelings ascribed to physical attributes evaporated. The attraction dissolved. The physical person changed not one whit; my perception and feelings did. As a comparison, I spent a hour or two last weekend conversing with a lovely lady whom most men would either be intimidated by or salivate over (be physically attracted to) as she is one of those universally attractive people (and made her living as such in the past); as our talk was about life, shared interests and no personal/intimate subjects, it was easy to view her objectively and not 'feel' anything; I could say she's attractive but I wasn't physically attracted to her. She was one of the few women I've met whom I could look directly level in the eye when hugging and kissing her goodbye. Strikingly tall and beautiful. Her BF is even taller and more beautiful How much is enough? I've been close to a lot of women but there have been relatively few whom I just want to take in my arms and kiss deeply and passionately. I'd say that feeling is 'enough' for me. Sorry I can't be more descriptive.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Another related question: I think that the "normal" relationship model is for there to be infatuation stage where the passion is at its peak. From there on it declines somewhat but continues to rise and fall. What if....the passion actually increased the longer you are with someone?
Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I am just wondering if anything less than that is settling. For some people, it will be. For others, it won't be. Who cares what anyone else thinks about this? What matters is whether it's settling to you. You believe you need crazy, long-lasting passion for a relationship to last. In that case, I guess...keep looking for it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 yo virgin, get out of my thread
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 i hope you end up alone you virgin hater. **** you. **** you. **** you. You wish
Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 My lord, ES... Do you have compassion for anyone?
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Eric must have found spamming in multiple languages to be insufficiently attractive and maybe a virgin of 47 to be more so. What if....the passion actually increased the longer you are with someone? I think it evolves and strengthens in a healthy dynamic. IOW, the manifestations (outward appearances) change but the depth and breadth of the feelings can definitely grow with time, intimacy and love. Example: I can view an elderly, long-married couple holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes, acts which seem relatively innocuous, but I have no real clue as to what they feel; it's depth or breadth. I can only postulate. Did they feel 'more' 50 years ago or 'more' now. What is 'more'?
P&R Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 My lord, ES... Do you have compassion for anyone? At least not her boyfriends
Richard Friedman Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 "i hope you end up alone like i am. i hope you endure a decade or more of no sex. you insulted someone for being a 32 year old virgin when a 47 year old virgin was watching." Lol. Made my day man. The best screenwriter in hollywood couldnt come up with a line like that. On a serious note you ever consider a prozzy? A trip to bangkok or rio could do you a ton of good.
westrock Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I think that the "normal" relationship model is for there to be infatuation stage where the passion is at its peak. Not necessarily. Another related question: What if....the passion actually increased the longer you are with someone? Yes, I believe this happens, partially because the couple's definition of passion also changes and becomes more refined the more they know each other.
Sanman Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) For the relationship to last? Of course, physical attraction is just one component, but it's pretty damn important. Say if you are attracted to someone physically and all other components are in place. But it's not that blood boiling, all-consuming passion. Is that enough? It seems a bit like a fairy-tale to me that you can have that sort of passion plus emotional and intellectual connection. In fact, I have never met anyone that I felt that way about in 32 years. It's my estimate that maybe 5% of all couples have all 3 connections in abundance. I am just wondering if anything less than that is settling. Honestly, I question the legitimacy of that point. As I get older, I honestly find looks to be less important to a relationship. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have dealt with some truly insane gorgeous women, but my good friends have agreed. Most of us have had flings or relationships that did not last with truly gorgeous women. We then found average looking women with good hearts and many other great qualities to settle down with. Speaking for myself, my current gf is not the best looking girl I have ever dated, but I do find her cute. However, she is intelligent, considerate, thoughtful, down to earth, and very easy to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day, the sex is just like it was with the really pretty girls (which is to say pretty good) and I get to enjoy curling up with someone who's company I really enjoy and know I will always have a friend in her. The more I battled with myself about looks, the more I realized my partner's looks were more about vanity and showing off to friends than it was being truly happy with my partner. The truth is that we all get old and there comes a point where a partner may not have the perfect body for us. So what? Will that hot body be there sleeping in the hospital chair for a week if you were really ill? My best friend recently did this for his wife. I know I would do the same for my gf and have absolutely no doubt she would do the same for me. In a world that largely does not give a damn if I am alive or dead, I can say this woman would not leave my side for anything. It is simply part of her character. When that is true, do I really care if she is a couple of dress sizes bigger than I usually date? No, because the world is not perfect. I have seen the other end of 30 years of marriage with someone who was physically attractive and passionate, but ended up being uncaring, financially irresponsible, and extremely selfish. Trust me when I say it makes for a much harder life than getting over superficial stuff. Edited August 23, 2011 by Sanman
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Sanman, The older I get, the more I feel like you. I would be happy with minimal passion (I have to want to sleep with the guy though) but I don't have to faint at the very sight of him. I always thought that men had higher standards for physical attraction...
counterman Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm a young guy in my 20s, so maybe that's why I feel the way I feel now. There this feeling I get when I meet the girl who is literally my kind of girl. And it only happens with a certain type. My heart just races and I think to myself "I have to meet her" - anything less, I wouldn't settle for. Does not mean that I must have the hottest of hot girls but I want a girl that I'm extremely attracted to. However, I'm beginning to learn that looks aren't everything... I would to meet a girl that I really click with and who is also interested in me.
Sanman Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Sanman, The older I get, the more I feel like you. I would be happy with minimal passion (I have to want to sleep with the guy though) but I don't have to faint at the very sight of him. I always thought that men had higher standards for physical attraction... Some do and some don't. My best friends looked for more than physical attraction and they are all happily engaged or married. My good friends looking for physical attraction are all still mostly single and looking. I took that as a lesson. I looked at my FB account and the number of long term couples I knew personally where I thought the girl was super hot. I couldn't find more than two or three and none of those were married. Most of the girls were average in my book.
OliveOyl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 The more I battled with myself about looks, the more I realized my partner's looks were more about vanity and showing off to friends than it was being truly happy with my partner. I think a distinction needs to be made: Passion is not the same as looks. Someone can be very good-looking but you feel no passion for them at all; conversely, you might find yourself with an average-looking person but feel passion. I think "passion" is a combination of things that include looks, chemistry, personality, pheremones, etc.
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