listen777 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Six years ago the state of my marriage was so bad that my own parents would not come to visit. My mother saying it made her uneasy to see my wife and I fight.....my father saying it made him embarrassed to see how much I let my wife walk all over me. I never thought my own marriage as any different than most. We argued about money, sex, where to live and jobs. Never once did I think about throwing in the towel. There has been not one divorce in the history of my family in three generations and I intend to keep it that way. Three years ago my father died....suddenly. Quite a shock and many of us have been in counseling because of it. He was a very strong willed man. And 6 months after he died, I woke up and realized my life had changed at home. My wife always hated to bite her tongue and listen to me, to my opinions, to my ideas ( some good and some bad ) and most importantly to listen to me as I explained to her that I can no longer live like we had, fighting and making our lives insane. My father left me $3.5 million and my sister and brother the same. Our life is quite different now. My wife has quit her job, she works at a food co-op now. I also quit work, I have a job I enjoy counseling small businesses. Same house, two new cars...etc...etc. Sex life? Hasn't changed a bit. I, being the stubborn Italian, have let the years up to my father's death build up a resentment inside of me and it holds me back from desiring her. My wife kicked me out of the house for eating popcorn while the baby was sleeping. She ignored me, she made fun of my hobbies / friends and she never said anything positive about my career. Fine, I can get over that. I'm not an easy person to live with. She once told me we have to do everything we can so that our son, "...does not end up like his father" But now......now that the money is involved, I'm angry. I think that if my Father had not died that I would still be in the same jam. And the new found zest for life my wife has is too little too late. I feel like now that I'm a ticking time bomb for a heart attack that she has turned into something I always deserved, but never had the balls to ask for. And it all feels fake. Here is the question. If you and your spouse fought like cats and dogs for 6 years, and then a parent died who left you a ton of cash and then that spouse turned into the ideal life partner ( outside of either of you wanting sex from each other ) how would you feel?
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 How is she your ideal life partner? I'll assume your financial adviser and lawyer have structured your inheritance to protect it as separate property. Assuming that, I'd proceed as if it didn't exist. If your M isn't healthy or satisfying, and your W isn't cooperative in achieving that, end it. What I'll bet has happened is you've thrown enough money at the problem (you've both quit work) that it's like she's pushed the button on a morphine drip. Keep pushing the button and everything is fine. That's her 'zest'. In my M, I ended up spending a lot of my mother's estate on her care, a fact that my exW never failed to remember and comment on. I didn't get to throw money at the problem, so it grew and grew. I'm so glad it did. I feel a lot better now, even if relatively poor. Money isn't everything, and neither is a marriage. Good luck.
Lexygirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 There are alot of scenerios where one spouse decides to change finally after many years... the motivations are varied ( most times it's because the person truly wants to keep the marriage together once they realize that they may lose it) Perhaps your wife wants to stay in it for the money but perhaps she sees life a bit differently since your father passed away too. Or perhaps she has matured and grown. Regardless of her motivations, the fact is that she is changing and it will take time to trust that she is sincere. I totally understand what it's like to have a wall up (huge resentment) and be afraid to let it down in case your spouse is just gonna kick you where it hurts again in the end lol. I think the only way to truly know that she is sincere, is her consistent actions over time. I think open and honest communication about what you resent will help.. Talking about it from YOUR point of view is the best way to go about it. Say things like "I felt this way when that was happening between us" etc. The feelings may come back once the resentment starts to go away. Good luck.
giotto Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I would feel quite pissed off... but of course she is happy now: you have lots of money!
sally4sara Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Money makes people funny; both the having of it and the not having. It is possible that the jobs the two of you had prior to this inheritance places so much stress on the both of you that you lived as vinegar and water - up until you were financially able to discard these jobs and find ones that were more personally enriching. And its possible that she just wants to roll the dice and see if she out lives you. But here is the thing.... You said you were determined to make sure you did not divorce ever. She probably is aware of this determination about staying married within you. She probably doesn't worry too much about you divorcing her because of it. So, if she was always aware of your stance on divorce, why would she suddenly be faking better behavior to keep you around when the crap behavior never had you contemplating leaving? I think, because of your stance on divorce, it is more likely that she is less stressed about finances and the job she use to work so she is better able to be a nicer version of herself - you know - the woman you met and chose to marry. And if you're consulting only instead of the grind, does that make you more available to her? She might be enjoying that you have more time to spend with her.
sally4sara Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 not having sex does too I have no idea what went on between them to cause the sex to drop off. Maybe he brews up a particularly smelly ball sweat all day and then comes to bed unshowered? Maybe she has a mild case of Dyspareunia? Maybe they both put on a lot of weight and her sex drive was more affected by it that his - who knows? We were not there to know.
StoneCold Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Here is the question. If you and your spouse fought like cats and dogs for 6 years, and then a parent died who left you a ton of cash and then that spouse turned into the ideal life partner ( outside of either of you wanting sex from each other ) how would you feel? I would be quite pissed and do what ever I can to protect my wealth from her. Then at some point I would drop her
StoneCold Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Money makes people funny; both the having of it and the not having. I would argue that money (or the lack of it) tends to reveal the truth about people. So what we have here is a woman that has disrespected her husband when they are "broke"....now that daddy bought the farm and hubby is "rich" she becomes "nice"..... Sure it is possible that maybe she truly did see the error of her actions and changed.....but the timing of it all comes across as a little too "convenient" for me. But I find many (NOT ALL) women are wired like this to some degree...I think it goes back to their instinct to seek security..... A man only gets as much respect as he earns/has. Lets not forget that the number one reason for our high divorce rate is finances (surprisingly...sex is a close second); And I am willing to bet that in those situations you have a couple with money problems...woman loses respect for the man because "he is responsible for this" and it shows in her actions....guy says "go F yourself then" and there is the beginning of the end. Worse yet if there is money problems...the wife ridicules the man for this...and then the money problems change for the man due to (inheritance, opportunity, change....whatever); oh the woman is in for hell then because now the tables have turned and its payback time.... Looks like thats what we have here
TigerCub Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 hehe, who'd you marry? Carmela Soprano?! seriously though - I'd be pissed if the person I'm with is only happy when money is a plenty. Oh and for the record, this woman is no where near ideal - she's not even puttin out for that amount of money. I hope you find ways to protect your wealth. $3.5 million seems like a lot of money (and it is) - but its not so much that it can't all get spent - be careful.
Lecturer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 .....my father saying it made him embarrassed to see how much I let my wife walk all over me. I never thought my own marriage as any different than most. We argued about money, sex, where to live and jobs. Never once did I think about throwing in the towel. There has been not one divorce in the history of my family in three generations and I intend to keep it that way. Oh yeah.. excellent reason not to get divorced and find happiness. Because you're trapped by 2 previous generations of healthy marriages. </sarcasm> It sounds like you have a terribly dysfunctional relationship, and your wife simply doesn't respect you. Who the hell can stay in a relationship when their partner doesn't like or respect them?!
elysium23 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I disagree with the gold digger theories. I agree with the PP who said that she was probably stressed before and now she can be easy-going because she has no money concerns and an enriching career. HOWEVER, even if her attitude was indeed caused by stress, she still doesn't sound like a very good person. Not a person I would want to be married to or share a million dollars with. She had no respect for you. It would have been different if she changed while you were still poor out of an actual change of heart, some kind of guilt over how she had acted, whatever, but just because she is carefree and rich now? That wouldn't be enough for me to be happy with her...And I wouldn't trust her with that money.
speedster Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 change your beneficiaries ASAP. ask yourself: if you do have a heart attack would she call 911 immediately?
Hillary Coner Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Relationship without sexual relations can quickly evaporate. Respect-starved comedian Rodney Dangerfield was prescient when he explained “My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” One French couple realized this, and the man's wallet knew it even more, reports The Telegraph. The problem is that the Frenchman who was part of it was instructed by an Aix-en-Provence judge to pay his ex $14,000 for insufficient sex. Sex is very important to couples because it binds the couple and also it is sacred. In that situation, there we will get different reactions regarding that matter. Typical husbands and wife share a lots of happy and sad moments in their life. It also show how strong their relationship, that through good times and bad times they have each other. So, they must talk about it and I hope they realize their mistakes. It has been one of the reasons why marriage at some people don't last, because of lack of intimacy. Before it finally ends, you need to solve every trials together. Frenchman ordered to pay ex for lack of sex.
shellieB Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Most people today rush getting married because they can easily file for divorce. Marriage is something that a couple must work on together,if is not necessary to both partners to give 50% love,if your partner is only capable of giving only 40% you must fill it up.Money is always the issue but if it gets worst it can ruin relationship,but come to think of it why did you marry your partner? is it because of his/her money? i think most of us will answer no. Try to talk to your partner and discuss all this things in a way that you won't fight,offer her a beer then try to talk in a low voice.Regarding sex issues Sexless Marriage – This is when a couple has little or no sexual intimacy in their relationship.Sex is fun but sex is also communication and if nothing is going on, that is telling you something. This can be for a wide variety of reasons. Sometimes it is due to illness, but other times, the couple drift apart and over time sex becomes less and less frequent.Some cases – one partner wants sex 5 or 6 times a week and their partner may only want sex 1 or 2 times a week and this is because of Incompatible Sex Drives - There are other couples where one partner wants sex much more frequently than their partner.Relationship without sexual relations can quickly evaporate. Respect-starved comedian Rodney Dangerfield was prescient when he explained “My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” One French couple realized this, and the man's wallet knew it even more, reports The Telegraph. The problem is that the Frenchman who was part of it was instructed by an Aix-en-Provence judge to pay his ex $14,000 for insufficient sex. Article source: Frenchman ordered to pay ex for lack of sex Being in the relationship it is our responsibility to keep the fire burning.
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