TKimmer Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 My husband and I just had a long talk. It was one of the saddest talks we’ve ever had. To sum it up, my husband pretty much is unhappy with his life and at same time, he’s sad over Todd, his brother’s death that happened bit less a year ago. Also my husband is still jealous of his brother over so many things. One thing that seems to really haunt him is the fact I met him through Todd. I was seeing Todd for a short time, but I and my husband click really well, so I end up with him for good. This bothers my husband great deal because I was his brother’s last known girlfriend and Todd have lose a girlfriend to a good friend not long before and was always joked by everybody about being “second best” because he always seems to be promising choice for girl but never got picked. Because of this, lot people consider me as his last effort at a normal life and after that he just seems to lose his mind. After that, he applied for special force and got in it and was in it for a while. This bothers my husband as well because my husband was in the army as well and despite of wanting a respectable combat job, he cannot hack it at all and ended up doing mostly desk work instead. During his whole military career, he and my husband have a very awkward relationship and wasn’t even really on good term either. My husband was bitter about his brother’s military career while his brother was bitter about how my husband took me and made fun of him for being “second best” My husband keep saying if he’d have just waited for me to leave him as we both knew I’d have instead of take me, Todd most likely wouldn’t have went into special force because he was actually desperately seeking out to prove himself to be better at something and a way to get away from civilian world so he don’t have to face loneliness of not having anyone there for him and out of fear that he’s never good enough for anybody. Other thing that bothers him is, when their grandfather passed away, his brother and he each got nearly $400K inheritance. My husband tried very hard to make our life better. We did so many things such as buy new large house, motorhome, new cars and SUV, and other things. My husband even left a very well-paying job twice because the business he started was taking off very successfully before crashing. Now he’s making way less than he have since we first got together. So we’re stuck in a big debt and have to live check to check even after cutting so much corners and changing our lifestyle. Now he keep says his life is a joke compare to Todd because he’s just somebody who merely exist to pay debt and for things he doesn’t want. He keep say he wish we never bought all that things or start his own business since we could have just bought a modest decent house and that if we did this, we’d still be living a decent life by now. He also says if someone was to read a book on both of their life, Todd’s life would seems great to many and he die a honorable death that he desired and die on a good term with life. While my husband’s life just seems dull and pathetic. This is just so painful. I know my husband is really saddened by his brother’s death and how he never step up and apologize about how he treated him. He’s also really unhappy with life in general because he feels like there’s no real way to enjoy life due to being overwhelmed with work and living check to check. I also feel really horrible about the whole thing. I just wish I could go back in the time and somehow end the whole thing with his brother on better term instead first before going for my husband Any suggest or advice would be incredibly helpful.
analystfromhell Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 One thing, I'm retired out of the military and in the current climate I don't know one person in SOCOM who isn't divorced or unhappily married. The deployment and ops tempo just destroy marriages. I'm not exaggerating by the way- I don't know one person who's marriage has survived a member of it staying in special forces; it's just way to stressful a lifestyle. So if you had married him he'd likely still have joined special forces and you'd be divorced and maybe with your husband now. Maybe some individual counseling would help your husband through his grieving?
Author TKimmer Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for replying. We’re more upset about how we treated him since the very beginning. Many feel that if I’d have at least broken up with him then wait a bit to start seeing my current husband and my husband not making fun of him for not being able to stay in a relationship, he’d not feel like he have absolutely no chance. He wasn’t even thinking about being a career military man for life, so it is unlikely special force was even on his mind at the time. He was just trying to decide what to do with his life and was looking into college and stuff until we break up then it is like as if he just lost hope and decided to give special force a try. Because of his experience as special force, it also basically enables him to live his life the way he did. After he got out of the army, he was wandering all over the world and occasionally taking on short term contractor job when opportunity comes up. Contractor job is what eventually led to his death. It is very hard to get my husband to see counselor. He is ashamed about whole thing and doesn’t like to talk about it. Also he works a lot, sometime as much as 60 hours a week. But I’d like it if he can make a time. As for now… I am just trying to help but it is so hard because the whole thing really bother me.
TBH Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 The only advice I can give you is to encourage your H to seek counseling to work this out. I think this is deeper than mourning the loss of a sibling. Their competition and your H's need to continue to compare himself to his brother should be professionally dealt with. Financially, if there are ways to downsize to make things more comfortable, explore that. i aggree, your husband needs to work through and resolve his issues with his brother.
Recommended Posts