StreetDog Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 We're married, we have 1 child. Throughout our relationship, I've at times NOT done things that I thought might make her feel uncomfortable or jealous. She's fun and all, but can be self-concious at times and get a little jealous, not crazy jealous, but just bummed out about it. Quick example, a few times i've turned down my co-worker (who is female) who wanted to grab lunch with me at a local restaurant. Just seemed too date-ish and I didn't want to be seen out at lunch with another woman. I know other guys do this but IDK, just don't feel comfortable. Another example, Once i turned down playing guitar alongside a female artist (she was attractive, i'll admit but I'm a loyal man) as a duo because it was going to involve a lot of rehearsals between the two of us and the shows. My wife appeared to be fine with it but inside I could tell she wasn't happy about it. I'm a loyal husband. I love my wife. But sometimes I wonder If i'm toooo nice and she should just trust that i'm loyal to her and that i love her. Mind you, she doesn't get all weird with me and scream about it when she's jealous. She just gets a little quiet and withdrawn and it affects me, mentally. Am I crazy?
Olive42 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I don't think there's anything crazy about showing respect for your wife and your relationship with her. The things you've mentioned not doing don't seem over the top to me. It seems like maybe you feel like you are missing out or going above and beyond or something, though? Why are you inquiring about this? And why did you mention that your spouse gets quiet, but doesn't scream and yell?
Afishwithabike Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I don't quite understand your question. Is there more to your wife's issues with jealousy and trust? I get the sense there's more to this story. Are you worried that you're bending over backwards to please her? Just going by the two examples you've given, you sound like a considerate husband who thinks about how his interactions might affect his wife. Not crazy at all.
make me believe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I think you sound like a considerate, thoughtful husband! The boundaries you've set in place for yourself are appropriate and necessary for marriage, IMO.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm a loyal husband. I love my wife. But sometimes I wonder If i'm toooo nice and she should just trust that i'm loyal to her and that i love her. Mind you, she doesn't get all weird with me and scream about it when she's jealous. She just gets a little quiet and withdrawn and it affects me, mentally. Am I crazy? Why do you wonder if you are too nice? Do you not think she is equally nice to you? There is not "too nice" if you are both caring and nice I think your choices are sound, and not a problem unless you are growing resentful. Either way, if you think you are extending more care and concern to her than she is extending to you, you should tell her how you feel. Your wife's feelings should affect you, just as your feelings should affect her. The compassion and love should be flowing both ways.
Lexygirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I don't think you're crazy either. In fact I think you see things very clearly and are avoiding any crap before it happens. I also have a feeling that you don't trust yourself either. So it's good you put your own personal boundaries up.
Janesays Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 There's no such thing as 'too nice' when it comes to the people that you love.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Just to be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with the lunch with the coworker, or the colaboration with an attractive woman, if these things are ok with you and your wife. My H and I have done similar things, with no issue at all. But I also do not think there is anything wrong with refraining if these things bother your partner--particularly if she would show you the same consideration.
Author StreetDog Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks All... I think there is some resentment there when it comes to those things. Lunch with the co-worker, who cares... I'm more talking about the music thing. That would have a been a great gig. The pay wasn't great but the exposure would have been cool. But I turned it down because I thought My Wife would be too jealous and bummed about it and I didn't want to deal with that guilt I guess. I'm more of a thermometer than a thermostat. I Love my Wife. If she's not happy, I'm receptive to it. Obviously, I do things for myself as well, she doesn't have a leash on me (for lack of a better statement) but I always care about her feelings. I put myself in her shoes with everything. Its just that from time to time, I wonder if I'm being too nice as in, yeah, bending over backwards when she should just trust and a lot of this has to do with the way I feel about doing things she doesn't like. I think i'm insecure too. I wouldnt ever want to do anything to make her jealous and shake up our marriage or her feelings about us. In our past, we broke up twice (while dating for years before we were married) because she wanted to be independent for a while, "find herself" and I think that still haunts me.
angie2443 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks All... I think there is some resentment there when it comes to those things. Lunch with the co-worker, who cares... I'm more talking about the music thing. That would have a been a great gig. The pay wasn't great but the exposure would have been cool. But I turned it down because I thought My Wife would be too jealous and bummed about it and I didn't want to deal with that guilt I guess. I'm more of a thermometer than a thermostat. I Love my Wife. If she's not happy, I'm receptive to it. Obviously, I do things for myself as well, she doesn't have a leash on me (for lack of a better statement) but I always care about her feelings. I put myself in her shoes with everything. Its just that from time to time, I wonder if I'm being too nice as in, yeah, bending over backwards when she should just trust and a lot of this has to do with the way I feel about doing things she doesn't like. I think i'm insecure too. I wouldnt ever want to do anything to make her jealous and shake up our marriage or her feelings about us. In our past, we broke up twice (while dating for years before we were married) because she wanted to be independent for a while, "find herself" and I think that still haunts me. Are you really asking for permission, validation from people on this site to do things like eat with the other woman or do the practice sessions (sorry, can't remember exactly what you said) with the attractive woman? I get the sence that maybe that's it, but I can't tell exactly. Anyway, I think these need to be decided between the couple. People have differant ideas about what is acceptable and what is not in a relationship. It's the people in the relationship that are going to be living with the consequences of the rules agreed on in that relationship.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm more talking about the music thing. That would have a been a great gig. The pay wasn't great but the exposure would have been cool. But I turned it down because I thought My Wife would be too jealous and bummed about it and I didn't want to deal with that guilt I guess. I'm more of a thermometer than a thermostat. I Love my Wife. If she's not happy, I'm receptive to it. Obviously, I do things for myself as well, she doesn't have a leash on me (for lack of a better statement) but I always care about her feelings. I put myself in her shoes with everything. Its just that from time to time, I wonder if I'm being too nice as in, yeah, bending over backwards when she should just trust and a lot of this has to do with the way I feel about doing things she doesn't like. It sounds like this is more about you and your feelings than your wife. She isn't expressing a ton of jealousy or asking you not to do these things. She's feeling some insecurity and not thrilled about the woman being so attractive, but that doesn't mean she wants to you turn down the opportunity, you know? It sounds like you are fearing a strong reaction that isn't necessarily going to happen. Maybe it would be better to search for ways that you can take these kinds of professional opportunities AND consider your wife's feelings. I'm thinking of things like--inviting your wife to drop in at rehearsals, calling sometimes from rehearsal and being openly loving in your words, keeping things very professional, etc. Make the goal growing together: personally, as a couple, and professionally.
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