Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Well she sent me a message this-morning and stated that she feels the same as the day I "freaked out" at her (when I raised my voice saying I was mad) and that she does not know what to say or do beyond that. It sounds like she does not want to end it though as she stated on the next line "even if you want to end things" putting the onus on me, and I know I do want to rectify and save the relationship so that is not my intention at this point. Anyway I replied back more or less stating that I have said all I can (including understanding why she feels that way etc) in the past and that I believe to move forward we need to try to communicate like we have in the past and that I do not expect her to forget what I did but in order for us to move forward and for her to regain the trust in me we simply must move on so I can prove what I have stated, because not talking and not wanting to talk about anything if we do talk will obviously kill the relationship completely. So I said when she is ready and thought about it I am here, there is nothing more I can do I feel. Will await her reply to that lol.
Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 heh well she replied saying she does not know what she wants and needs to work it out so I told her I will not bother her again until she has worked it out and wants to talk to me again to which she replied that she appreciates that. So yeah, no more i can do, up to her to figure out what she wants in her life and I hope she is able to use this thinking time to realise that she does need to seek help for that issue because unfortunately there will be times in her future where people will yell at her (obviously I do not intend on it being me) and she can't have this kind of reaction each time that happens.
D-Lish Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't see raising your voice as being a major issue! Geez, I wish my ex had raised his voice to me once and a while to let me know what I was doing frustrated him (instead of pretending nothing was wrong). Raising your voice is a long way from being abusive, and it's a human response when you're frustrated. I could see if you screamed at her- but just because you got firm with her one time in 2 months is silly for her to make you feel guilty over it.
Almond_Joy Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 heh well she replied saying she does not know what she wants and needs to work it out so I told her I will not bother her again until she has worked it out and wants to talk to me again to which she replied that she appreciates that. So yeah, no more i can do, up to her to figure out what she wants in her life and I hope she is able to use this thinking time to realise that she does need to seek help for that issue because unfortunately there will be times in her future where people will yell at her (obviously I do not intend on it being me) and she can't have this kind of reaction each time that happens. You handled this really well, I think. She needs to take accountability for her issue and really motivate herself to work towards fixing it. And as D-Lish and several others here said, you definitely didn't do anything wrong and have nothing at all to feel guilty about.
Author Jam3s Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Thank you. I am hoping she uses this thinking time to realise about the issues her past is causing and how it's affecting her present and future, I would certainly not run away if I had to help her deal with those but she will chase me away if they are genuine concerns which lead to more problems like this at even the slightest argument like we had and which she has no will to attempt to seek help for. It just wouldn't work. Will report back when I hear anything from her, until then I shall enjoy my own things and try to keep my mind off overthinking the situation.
Author Jam3s Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Just an update. She eventually sent me a message stating that when she thought of me she would have a slight amount of fear as well, and the fear is related to being uncertain about whether or not I would be abusive towards her or not in the future. Keep in mind that all I did was raise my voice at her during an argument with no expletives and certainly not in a threatening manner towards her. That was pretty devastating to hear, that someone you are close to has genuine fear of you and I was so close to pretty much calling it off there because there is no way I could handle the thought that when she thinks of me she becomes concerned or afraid, what a dreadful thought. She was very reluctant to want to end things though and instead insisted we take it slow and see how it goes and that the way I handled that news and the following voiced (and video) conversation we had made her feel more sure that her fears were unjustified and simply her past playing up with her. Anyway I want to handle it as gently as I can and not put any pressure on the situation so I agreed to just take it slowly, and honestly just try to get back to where we were being able to laugh and make jokes and simply be ourselves. By the end of that long conversation things seemed to be heading where they needed to, we were able to laugh etc and said we would talk the next day. This was 3 days ago and she has ignored messages I have sent since and I have not been able to speak with her at all. Honestly I am at a loss now, I know that this is an issue which is not a healthy one but for her I am willing to work through it and try my hardest and I honestly am trying everything I can to make it work and allow us to be happy but it's just falling by the wayside since she is just ignoring me. Not sure how she expects us to attempt to move forward when she doesn't keep any form of contact with me. I am going to pretty much lay out what I said above to her when I do get the next chance because I am not going to sit back and feel like crap whilst I try my hardest if it will never get us anywhere. If only she knew I only had the best intentions...
Author Jam3s Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Well she has still not bothered to contact me at all since saturday and I have seen her active on FB and posting to other people and yet completely ignoring my messages in which I was simply asking things like if she was ok and wanted to talk and that I was worried. It pretty much tells me she doesn't care about my feelings whatsoever and honestly I'm so close to just messaging her now and calling it off but I want to at least hear her excuse before I do that. I can't handle the hurt much longer, the feeling of being blatantly ignored after trying so hard to do the right thing with the best intentions is difficult to digest. Had enough, I deserve to be happy, not like this.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Lawl, just got this message. "I'm not ignoring you, I've been busy just no time to respond....that's a bit bold to assume im ignoring you..not like I didn't read what you said just didnt respond yet. I don't like assumptions". Too busy to take the 20 seconds to reply to my messages asking if she is alright and hoping there is nothing going on that she needs to talk about and leaving me in the dark. How am I NOT supposed to feel ignored? Anyway Just told her I don't deserve that, ill wait for her response and call it off, I deserve better.
dizy Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I think she is very lucky that you care so much about her. I know many guys who would give up long time ago. I used to overreact and honestly I took things and people for granted also. I don't know if she is doing the same thing but if she doesn't realize how patient you are then she certainly doesn't deserve that kind of attention. I can understand that she had a very heavy past and I can't expect a "new" personality just because she is in a new relationship, but you don't deserve this. I think you should ask yourself how much does she care about you. as long as she cares and loves you, there is always a possibility of handling your differences, but if she doesn't care then no matter how understanding and patient you are, the problems will just lay there.
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Wow, this girl has issues. She's manipulating the hell out of you. Making you feel guilty and punishing you for something so minor. Imagine what a long term relationship with this woman would look like given how she has handled this situation! Save yourself a lot of heartache down the road and walk away now.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well the fact she completely ignored me and my messages, some of which I was showing concern as to whether or not she was ok due to not hearing from her at all only to be told 4 days later that she read them but was too busy to reply (eventhough she had the time to reply to random peoples statuses on fb) makes it pretty clear to me that she doesn't really care, or at least does not hold our relationship in high regard. Honestly I want to just send a message ending it now but I know I should do it in voice or something but I've just had enough of being played with and with the hypocrisy she has shown as of late with her actions. I have tried so hard to make it work and make her happy and had it thrown in my face. I deserve better than that.
daphne Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Honestly, I think you just didn't have the patience for this. I suggested you not pressure her, but it's been a week and it seems that you didn't really give her any time at all to herself to think it through. You would have probably had better results if you had given her time. Now, it seems you want to be in control by rejecting her. Which is fine. But understand that you just weren't comfortable with letting go and hanging out and seeing where things went. From her response, I get that she feels you are pressuring her.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Honestly, I think you just didn't have the patience for this. I suggested you not pressure her, but it's been a week and it seems that you didn't really give her any time at all to herself to think it through. You would have probably had better results if you had given her time. Now, it seems you want to be in control by rejecting her. Which is fine. But understand that you just weren't comfortable with letting go and hanging out and seeing where things went. From her response, I get that she feels you are pressuring her. No I did give her the time, I told her last week that I would give her the time she needed to think to which she replied she appreciated it. She then eventually contacted me a week later stating that she was "fine and happy" other than the fact that she didn't feel she could trust me anymore (after I raised my voice at her as discussed in the first post). She continued to say time wasn't helping and she did did not trust me. We then voice chatted that day to discuss this all and how I felt maybe she should not continue if she felt fear and a lack of trust when she thought of me since I did not want to make her feel like that or have to deal with the fact that my girlfriend could not smile when she thought of me, it's pretty hard to digest being told that tbh. She insisted she wanted to continue though and that we should move on and talk more and not ignore eachother and by doing so regain the trust in the relationship. That conversation ended with us being able to laugh and have a joke and seemingly ending in good spirits. From there on in is where she just ignored me and my messages (which were not clingly, I messaged her once the next night asking how her weekend was and wishing her a good day) and then one two nights later asking if she was ok which was again ignored. So the following night I asked why she was ignoring me and that I had seen she was active talking to other people on there but not taking the few seconds it takes to reply to my messages, one of which was what I thought important since I was concerned something might be wrong due to the lack of communication from her after we had agreed to no longer do that. So as far as I am concerned I have done what she asked as far as time is concerned since she was the one who came back and wanted to move forward which of course I wanted as well. I have not pressured her, I just want some respect and the decency which goes with that.
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The punishing behaviour and the guilt trips she throws on you are pretty horrible. Yes, you should end it- you can't "save" this girl as much as you'd like to.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 The punishing behaviour and the guilt trips she throws on you are pretty horrible. Yes, you should end it- you can't "save" this girl as much as you'd like to. I just can't believe it's come to this after what the root cause was. The fact she felt fear and lack of trust in me for me raising my voice at her once during an argument because I felt my commitment being put into question to me means she needs to sort out some issues on her own because she is going to have to deal with those situations in the future. I tried all I could to make up for it, offer support, give her space, make decisions with her best intentions in mind but with how things have panned out it's obviously not to be, and I fail to see how sticking it out will solve those, specially when she is lacking trust in the relationship and ignoring me with the lamest excuse in mankind as a reason. Trying to get in contact to discuss ending it but to no avail.
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I just can't believe it's come to this after what the root cause was. The fact she felt fear and lack of trust in me for me raising my voice at her once during an argument because I felt my commitment being put into question to me means she needs to sort out some issues on her own because she is going to have to deal with those situations in the future. I tried all I could to make up for it, offer support, give her space, make decisions with her best intentions in mind but with how things have panned out it's obviously not to be, and I fail to see how sticking it out will solve those, specially when she is lacking trust in the relationship and ignoring me with the lamest excuse in mankind as a reason. Trying to get in contact to discuss ending it but to no avail. You know what? It's possible that she doesn't even feel any fear about you raising your voice- she's just the kind of person that holds a grudge when you do something to piss her off- hence the inappropriate punishing she's doing. It's all a big test of your commitment as far as I am concerned. She's pushing limits and testing boundaries to see how commited you are. That's just a feeling I get from your description of events. Guaranteed if you told her you couldn't take it anymore and you were done- she'd chase you. Stop chasing after her for answers- sounds like she likes this sort of game, making you chase after her. Issues? Yes, she has a lot of them.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well I can only hope that she learns that this is not a healthy way to handle relationships and that she is only hurting herself and others by acting this way. It also sadly makes it difficult for me to enter future relationships because I will be weary of the fact that even if things seem to be perfect for a month, they can snap and turn sour in an instant and you would never see it coming. Of course, everyone is different and if this has taught me anything it's not to bring baggage from previous relationships into future ones, because that helps no one. Thanks for your help D-Lish and others who have offered advice, do appreciate it.
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Well I can only hope that she learns that this is not a healthy way to handle relationships and that she is only hurting herself and others by acting this way. It also sadly makes it difficult for me to enter future relationships because I will be weary of the fact that even if things seem to be perfect for a month, they can snap and turn sour in an instant and you would never see it coming. Of course, everyone is different and if this has taught me anything it's not to bring baggage from previous relationships into future ones, because that helps no one. Thanks for your help D-Lish and others who have offered advice, do appreciate it. The first 3 months are usually the "honeymoon period" where you like what you see initially and no one is showing their true selves. The fact that she actually started acting up and manifesting issues so early on is a huge red flag. It will only get worse from here on out. You're stuck on the high of the perfect first month- NOBODY is the same person in the first month as they are in the true sense. If she started acting out like this after a month- you're in for major trouble in the future. It's like seeing a tiny tip of an iceberg, and if the water receded completely- you'd see how HUGE the iceberg is. It's the same with her issues. Edited August 31, 2011 by D-Lish
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Yep, certainly have learned that the hard way! Unfortunately due to my complete lack of experience with relationships (late bloomer i guess lol) it has not made noticing the red flags or signs of trouble easy since I have never experienced them before. But that being said I think I handled it best I could and realise it's not healthy for me or her to continue it. Ahh well, you live and learn!
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Yep, certainly have learned that the hard way! Unfortunately due to my complete lack of experience with relationships (late bloomer i guess lol) it has not made noticing the red flags or signs of trouble easy since I have never experienced them before. But that being said I think I handled it best I could and realise it's not healthy for me or her to continue it. Ahh well, you live and learn! How old are you? From my experience with women, I'd call this girl a MAJOR bitch. Sorry to be so harsh, but if your account of what has gone down is true- she's not someone you should date, because it will never be a healthy relationship.
Author Jam3s Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I'm 24 and this was my first serious relationship so very much behind the 8 ball. I am certainly seeing that it's not healthy to continue it and I just know when I confront her about it (hopefully) tomorrow (unless she is too busy of course) that she will attempt to manipulate the situation and make it seem like her actions were justified, this usually comes out in the shape of "I never said I was perfect". Anyway, time to move on, there is a lot I can take from this experience though which is a positive, certainly do not regret anything.
D-Lish Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm 24 and this was my first serious relationship so very much behind the 8 ball. I am certainly seeing that it's not healthy to continue it and I just know when I confront her about it (hopefully) tomorrow (unless she is too busy of course) that she will attempt to manipulate the situation and make it seem like her actions were justified, this usually comes out in the shape of "I never said I was perfect". Anyway, time to move on, there is a lot I can take from this experience though which is a positive, certainly do not regret anything. Glad you see it's not healthy- SHE's not healthy. Not all young women are messed up like this- but some are... Trust me when I tell you that your girl is really messed up. Learn from your mistakes, learn to trust your instincts and don't allow this girl to be the one that fu$K's you up for life. I have encountered many guys in my age bracket at 40 that have internalized that first heartbreak and never opened themselves up again.
daphne Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 No I did give her the time, I told her last week that I would give her the time she needed to think to which she replied she appreciated it. She then eventually contacted me a week later stating that she was "fine and happy" other than the fact that she didn't feel she could trust me anymore (after I raised my voice at her as discussed in the first post). She continued to say time wasn't helping and she did did not trust me. We then voice chatted that day to discuss this all and how I felt maybe she should not continue if she felt fear and a lack of trust when she thought of me since I did not want to make her feel like that or have to deal with the fact that my girlfriend could not smile when she thought of me, it's pretty hard to digest being told that tbh. She insisted she wanted to continue though and that we should move on and talk more and not ignore eachother and by doing so regain the trust in the relationship. That conversation ended with us being able to laugh and have a joke and seemingly ending in good spirits. From there on in is where she just ignored me and my messages (which were not clingly, I messaged her once the next night asking how her weekend was and wishing her a good day) and then one two nights later asking if she was ok which was again ignored. So the following night I asked why she was ignoring me and that I had seen she was active talking to other people on there but not taking the few seconds it takes to reply to my messages, one of which was what I thought important since I was concerned something might be wrong due to the lack of communication from her after we had agreed to no longer do that. So as far as I am concerned I have done what she asked as far as time is concerned since she was the one who came back and wanted to move forward which of course I wanted as well. I have not pressured her, I just want some respect and the decency which goes with that. As for time, I was referring to the 23rd post to the 29th. It didn't seem like you guys had taken a break at all and were still talking. If time isn't helping, then perhaps you should move on. I didn't see her comments as particularly manipulative, but rather she was defensive and felt like she was being pushed to make a decision.
Author Jam3s Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Thought I would update this. We broke it off yesterday after much discussion. 2.5 weeks after the even and she said she still had concerns and felt cautious towards me and couldn't be 100% happy and have the trust required to continue, and I certainly did not want to continue if she was unsure and couldn't see how to overcome that. She agreed that she needs to seek professional help for the issue and admitted that arguments like we had are normal in all relationships so she needs to sort it out before she can date again because it will just make it impossible for her to have a relationship unfortunately. We ended it on the best of terms though, one of those things where you know it's the right thing to do but you wish with everything that it wasn't and we are certainly very good friends still. Who knows, maybe when she overcomes this something may happen in the future but we agreed it's best to try to move forward separately in that regard otherwise we may be holding onto hope of something which may never happen and at the cost of missing out on other opportunities as a result. Such is life.
Survivor12 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 No that's a fair question daphne. During the argument she said "are you mad?" to which I replied with a raised voice in an angry tone "yes I am mad". There was no cussing, I did not swear at her or anything like that, I simply caught her by surprise exposed a large weakness and emotional issue which has caused her grief and the reason she is disappointed with me is due to the fact I knew that but still had a lapse and as mentioned she is worried I will continue to do it in the future. Of course I have stated that I will show through my actions I am not like that etc etc but until she opens up to me again and gives me the chance then she will never know, there's not much more I can do honestly, but now being very much aware of that particular emotional issue I do want to help her seek help for it. But alas, we shall see. I haven't read through all of the posts so perhaps you have explained what caused the "disagreement", but this particular post caught my eye... Obviously, you were angry with HER about something BEFORE you raised your voice. Has that been resolved? Of course NOT! The moment you admitted that you were angry about whatever it was, she pulled the duck & spin--and found something to use to focus blame on YOU to deflect it from whatever it was that you were angry about. So she's had some "issues" in her past. Many of us have. If she is suffering from some sort of PTSD then it's up to her to get help to overcome it rather than using it as a free pass when she does something objectionable. Look, whether or not she is sincere or (as I highly suspect) manipulating you, her feelings are no more important than yours. Being a "victim" does not absolve a person from responsibility for their actions. Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship having to withhold your own emotions just to make sure that you don't offend her?
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