Jam3s Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Hi all, A few days ago gf and I had an argument, she is currently in another state so it is long distance for another month and as a result we have been communicating via skype and using voice chat there. Now I made a mistake and handled an argument like I shouldn't have (raised my voice at her and given her past and the emotional effects guys raising their voices her has, it was a major mistake, and I was aware beforehand of those issues, it was simply a lapse on my behalf) and I honestly have no excuse for it. This is the first argument we have had (been together a couple of months now). I apologised to her for it and explained how it is not who I am and not how I normally react (and it truthfully isnt, I just had a moment where I felt like my commitment was being put into question and I was fine to be upset by that but I should never have raised my voice) Anyway she is very mad and disappointed saying she is not sure I am who she thought I was, but honestly it's not the type of person I am but of course saying that holds zero value at this stage. I have damaged her trust and due to the fact she has heard all the apologies before from ex's and yet they still hurt her, it is hard for her to regain that trust. I have said given the chance i will prove I mean what I say through my actions as words are meaningless without their proof but at the moment I am not sure she is willing to give that chance. Tried to talk to her last night but she said she has put up a "wall" and that she feels cold and doesn't care what I have to say right now. So she really is hurting emotionally. She said does not really want to talk either so I offered to give her time and space and when she feels ready to give me a chance I will be here for her. Now I don't really know what to do as far as contact goes right now, I don't want to completely stop contact with her and wait until she contacts me again because I don't want her to feel like I do not care (which obviously I do care, greatly) however I wouldn't have a clue what to say which would not annoy her more either since I highly doubt she wants to hear me apologising again and again since it will only make matters worse. Am I better off just leaving her alone for now? I might send a message wishing her goodnight, short and sweet to let her know I am thinking of her but should I leave it at that or should I be trying to get her to open up? Appreciate any advice.
utterer of lies Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 This is the first argument we have had (been together a couple of months now). I have damaged her trust and due to the fact she has heard all the apologies before from ex's and yet they still hurt her, it is hard for her to regain that trust. she said she has put up a "wall" and that she feels cold and doesn't care what I have to say right now. So she really is hurting emotionally. It doesn't sound like that to me at all from what you write. You had a fight, ok, that happens. I get the feeling she is now simply manipulating you, to control you more easily in the future. She is using the guilt she made you feel against you. Am I better off just leaving her alone for now? I might send a message wishing her goodnight, short and sweet to let her know I am thinking of her but should I leave it at that or should I be trying to get her to open up? Leave her alone, and treat her like an adult, not like a porcelain doll. Humiliating yourself before her won't help.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 When a girl has a massive, exaggerated reaction to a fairly minor argument (and let's face it, you can't be in a relationship without getting in an argument and raising your voice every once in a while), it's a red flag. What it likely means is that the girl is looking for an excuse to dump you - and making you look like it's your fault in the process. That's just how females operate. All that sh*t about about her supposed "emotional vulnerability" is just that - sh*t. And she's laying it on thick. You see, even though she's likely cheating on you and banging some other dude, she can justify it in her mind if she paints you as the bad guy. And that you are...a terrible man who betrayed her trust by turning out to be not the person she thought you were.
DeusExMachina Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 It doesn't sound like that to me at all from what you write. You had a fight, ok, that happens. I get the feeling she is now simply manipulating you, to control you more easily in the future. She is using the guilt she made you feel against you. Leave her alone, and treat her like an adult, not like a porcelain doll. Humiliating yourself before her won't help. I agree with utterer of lies, if you are in a relationship you will have fights, period! If she can't handle you raising your voice when things get heated then, she will not relationship material. Maybe you are not giving us the full story, but if you didn't personally attack her(ie-name call, insult friends/family, focus on flaws,etc) then she needs to learn how to deal and a simple apology on your part is needed to just show you don't want to argue with her. Maybe she is wants out of the relationship and is looking for an excuse to blame it on you... Leave her alone and she if she comes around.
strawberryshortstack Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Am I better off just leaving her alone for now? I might send a message wishing her goodnight, short and sweet to let her know I am thinking of her but should I leave it at that or should I be trying to get her to open up? Appreciate any advice. I know that when I get upset over something, I usually need some time alone to think. I generally use this time to determine if my reaction was justified. If she's anything like me, she'll appreciate some time alone, and she'll come to you if she needs to talk about it. I would recommend staying in contact, just don't push her to open up.
Author Jam3s Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks for the replies all. I know it sounds like something completely insignificant but given her past I can assure you it is not, she literally has panic attacks when she feels threatened (her past with this stuff is not a nice one) and due to the fact she was not expecting that reaction from me it caught her off guard and really affected her. So yes for the majority this would be seen as nothing but unfortunately for her it does have quite an effect and it is something she is seeking professional help for. I know that when I get upset over something, I usually need some time alone to think. I generally use this time to determine if my reaction was justified. If she's anything like me, she'll appreciate some time alone, and she'll come to you if she needs to talk about it. I would recommend staying in contact, just don't push her to open up. Thanks for the advice, I will give her space and send her a brief message wishing a good day maybe once every couple of days and leave it at that. There is nothing more I feel I can do now so will see.
utterer of lies Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for the replies all. I know it sounds like something completely insignificant but given her past I can assure you it is not, she literally has panic attacks when she feels threatened (her past with this stuff is not a nice one) and due to the fact she was not expecting that reaction from me it caught her off guard and really affected her. So yes for the majority this would be seen as nothing but unfortunately for her it does have quite an effect and it is something she is seeking professional help for. I want to believe you, but I've heard this or similar things from many girls. There's always a reason why normal behavior is terribly wrong when it is towards her. Sure, she might be one of the 0.1% of people where that really applies, but I doubt it. You seem very young...
thatone Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 agreed. you do not have to appease her based on her past. it's her problem, not yours. the sooner you realize that the better.
OriginalPenguin Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 When a girl has a massive, exaggerated reaction to a fairly minor argument (and let's face it, you can't be in a relationship without getting in an argument and raising your voice every once in a while), it's a red flag. What it likely means is that the girl is looking for an excuse to dump you - and making you look like it's your fault in the process. . I agree on the red flag part, not so sure about the excuse to dump although that IS a possibility, it's hard to tell without the whole story. Bottom line is be very careful here; if this becomes a pattern then it may be a sign of somebody that is emotional shut down and that can make for a rough road.
Author Jam3s Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Yeah for sure I am very much aware about the consequences of it becoming a regular occurrence. It is the first time we have had a bad argument so I am not going to jump to conclusions. I have done all I can, apologised, explained that I understand why she feels that way, told her given the chance I will prove through actions it will not happen again and that obviously she means a great deal to me. When she gave the silent treatment and said she didn't want to talk I simply said I would be here when she is ready to talk again. It's up to her now whether or not she wants to continue this and give it the chance, until then I won't contact her.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Jam3s, how people handle confrontation within a relationship is really key. That’s not to say that you are doomed if you both get annoyed with each other or sometimes raise voices or sometimes have hurt feelings. You got mad, you acted on your emotion, you apologized and she is still feeling the sting for being yelled at. All normal things. But if this is the first argument you’ve had, and she is judging you based on this alone to the extent to tell you that you might not be who she thought you were, I would tread lightly with her. And I’m not talking about dealing with her with kid gloves. Just be aware of her lack of strength in this area and figure out for yourself if this is okay for you or not as you get deeper into the relationship. She is bringing old baggage into her relationship with you. It’s bound to happen. You possibly have your own. But it’s not fair for her to use that as a justification to judge you by. It’s great that your sensitive to her though and her past hurts. You can help her with that but you don’t need to supplicate to all her needs, especially if they are unfair, in the name of those past hurts either. She needs to work on her issues with her exes and not use you as a means to get there. But that’s another topic for another day. She isn’t going to fix anything by using you as medicine for her past hurts. Just keep that in mind. No matter how good a boyfriend you are, you can’t fix her hurts and make them better. Giver her a couple days to cool off. Don’t send her any messages of sweet good nights for now. If she doesn’t contact you by then, send her a quick message through your favorite mode of communication. There is not need to keep on apologizing as long as you don’t act like it never happened either. She knows you’re sorry, apologizing doesn’t immediately always take the sting out of what happened, but hopefully she can overcome that to look at how you owned up to your part and were trying to make it better. And truly, good for you for owning up to it. Just don’t let her past always give you and her reason to excuse her own behavior with you.
Author Jam3s Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 You are certainly on the mark Disenchantedly Yours and I agree with you. They are past issues which unfortunately still effect her and as a result things which I wear as well. It does not change the fact I did something to hurt her of course but I suppose the "recovery" period from the argument has been exaggerated as a result of the past. I won't go charging blindly into the night regarding future arguments and will certainly be aware of the signs that this may be something which becomes a continual burden to the relationship but of course it's something which if (and when one would hope) we get around to communicating properly again I will offer support to aid that recovery but they are for her to work out at the end of the day and not something I should have to wear after a single mistake in that regard. We will see, been almost 2 days since we last spoke and I offered her time so if I don't get any reply by tomorrow I will send something and if she is still reluctant to communicate in any way then honestly i'll be questioning whether it's worth continuing.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Jam3s, I don't know how old you are but you sound really rather smartly savy with how your approaching the situation. Relationships are also a learning experience. I think people tend to forget that and are easy to advise others to "just bail". But I think you're approaching it maturaly! She is either going to be with you to grow in your relationship together or it's going to scare her too much which unfortunetly, is a lesson she will have to learn the hard way. I speak from my own personal experience.
Author Jam3s Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for that, appreciate it. I am 24 but this is the first relationship I have actually had (dated for a month max in the past) so as far as relationships go I am incredibly inexperienced haha, but just trying to approach it from a direction where there is as little pressure and as much time to think things through for both parties as much as possible. I'm content with how I have handled it myself so now it's a wait and see on her behalf.
daphne Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm wondering if you are toning it down or being honest about how you handled it. Did you raise your voice or did you yell at her? Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who yelled at me. But I do think that at some point in the relationship, everyone's going to raise their voice. I ask, because I broke up with someone not too long ago with a guy who told his friends that we had a political argument and they suggested that I was overly sensitive. In fact, he yelled at me and cussed me out. He failed to mention this last part. It was a deal breaker for me, and most healthy women. Even our last conversation, he was trying to blame me for being overly sensitive and said his friends agreed. Most of these friends were completely ignorant of how he'd behaved with the exception of one that told him he acted like a psycho. lol. Only you know your situation, but ask yourself if you are toning down the language to elicit more sympathy or if you know you were possibly out of line and are having a hard time admitting it. It's not very clear to me. If so, this girl is probably not for you.
Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 No that's a fair question daphne. During the argument she said "are you mad?" to which I replied with a raised voice in an angry tone "yes I am mad". There was no cussing, I did not swear at her or anything like that, I simply caught her by surprise exposed a large weakness and emotional issue which has caused her grief and the reason she is disappointed with me is due to the fact I knew that but still had a lapse and as mentioned she is worried I will continue to do it in the future. Of course I have stated that I will show through my actions I am not like that etc etc but until she opens up to me again and gives me the chance then she will never know, there's not much more I can do honestly, but now being very much aware of that particular emotional issue I do want to help her seek help for it. But alas, we shall see.
daphne Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 There aren't a lot of details to go by. I'm not sure what you meant by exposing a weakness. Everyone gets mad. It's how you express it that makes a difference. All you can do is be patient, lay back and give her some time to think. I'd say a couple of weeks to let things cool down. Then you may want to reconnect and just say hi and get a feel for how receptive she is to you. She may put things in perspective and start to miss you. It also sends the message that you care, are willing to make ammends, but are in control of yourself and can live without her if need be. Even if one person makes a mistake, the worst thing they can do is to bend over too far backwards to right it. It upsets the power dynamics in a relationship and is a turn off to the other party. She also shares responsibility in learning how to deal with conflict, as it's going to happen in the healthiest of relationships. Maybe it was too early in the honeymoon stage for her to accept. Only time will tell. Be patient, see how you and she feel when you touch base after a cooling off period. That's the best thing I can suggest.
Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Yeah that is sound advice. With regards to the weakness it's in relation to her past where she was verbally abused and thus has created almost a PTSD type issue where she gets into a panic when it occurs, obviously it's something she needs to seek professional help for as it will happen through life, but on my behalf I am certainly very much now aware of it and will try to help her through that, but of course I need to be given that chance. I will leave her alone for now, I was thinking of sending a quick message tomorrow stating that I am thinking of her and available to talk when ready just to let her know I have no disappeared and I do care (eventhough I did say that a few days ago). Cheers again!
daphne Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I will leave her alone for now, I was thinking of sending a quick message tomorrow stating that I am thinking of her and available to talk when ready just to let her know I have no disappeared and I do care (eventhough I did say that a few days ago). Cheers again! Please don't do this. This is what I mean by bending over backwards. There has to be balance. You already told her these things. Telling her again is going to be seen as controlling and it will put her off. She already knows. If you give her time alone, she'll know that you respect her decision, whatever it is. Take more time, and let her think it through and let her miss you. If she doesn't miss you, you'll have your answer.
Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Please don't do this. This is what I mean by bending over backwards. There has to be balance. You already told her these things. Telling her again is going to be seen as controlling and it will put her off. She already knows. If you give her time alone, she'll know that you respect her decision, whatever it is. Take more time, and let her think it through and let her miss you. If she doesn't miss you, you'll have your answer. Fair enough, understand your point. Will let her make the next move. Thanks again.
daphne Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Fair enough, understand your point. Will let her make the next move. Thanks again. If she doesn't in a week or two, I don't see any harm in touching base with her. I wouldn't talk about the argument ad nauseum though, unless she brings it up. Sometimes, patience can bring about very good things.
FrustratedStandards Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Give her space like you said you would. I have a similar issue. I grew up with a LOT of conflict in the house, and yelling shuts me down entirely. I once got yelled at by my boyfriend, and I wanted to break down and cry right then and there. I know it wasn't with bad intention but it really had an effect. If you really care about this girl, give her time to heal. I know what you mean by you not wanting her to think you dont care, so every now and then, as in EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS, send her a quick message on skype WHEN SHE IS OFFLINE, and make it a closed ended remark so she doesnt feel obligated to reply. Something along the lines of "Hey, hope everything is going good over there Take care!" She won't feel like you are pushing for contact, so the ball is in her court. Your remarks, though, will let her know you are still thinking about her. The wall will eventually come down if you give her the time to heal. Trying to patch it up right now will only mimic her exes actions, as in "I dont care let it just be over now". Trust me, give her time and she will come around
jackmerridew Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Fair enough, understand your point. Will let her make the next move. Thanks again. Keep us updated man. I'm dating a girl who also seems to shut down emotionally when she is confronted with trouble or stress. It happened to me recently, but she came back to me after two days, one of which I didn't contact her. That's a pretty short time, compared to the weeks you have faced, or may be facing. But I take solace in knowing that a goodhearted fella like yourself may be going through similar troubles. Emotions are certainly messy. I'm a pretty cut and dry kinda guy, so it frustrates me when I lose control and things aren't so cut and dry for me.
Almond_Joy Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Hi, Just wanted to share my two cents, as I used to react to conflict or anger the same way Jam3s has described his girlfriend did. As some earlier posters mentioned, it is NOT an intentional form of manipulation. It's an automatic self-defense mechanism that needs very little stimulus to be triggered. It takes a lot of personal development and support to get over so that you can handle conflict and anger instead of shutting down or bolting behind an emotional wall. Glad to hear that you're taking the advice of the posters here who have recommended you give her some space. That's the best thing you can do. It sounds like overall you two have really healthy communication, so I'm sure she will come around when she's over it or ready to talk about it.
Author Jam3s Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Good to hear I have not done anything stupid regarding my handling of the situation at least and others who have experienced similar have had success with dealing with it. All very new to me so very much a learning experience on the do's and don'ts. Will certainly let you who are interested know how it pans out.
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