Cee Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 When someone says something uncomplimentary about your SO, do you keep it to yourself or tell your SO? My mother on the phone made a pointed observation about my boyfriend being opinionated. I know my mom and clearly she didn't like that aspect of my boyfriend, although she wouldn't directly admit it. I told her that I admired that he had strong opinions and wasn't afraid to express them. I don't take stock in any opinions my mom has about anything in my life. I'm not bothered by the comments, although I am taken aback that she made a point of bringing it up. In fact, she brought it up in the voicemail message before we talked on the phone. I don't want to bring this up to my boyfriend. I don't want him bothered or confused by her comments. However, I ask Love Shack about your thoughts on the matter. Should I tell him? What do you think?
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I would NEVER even consider telling something negative someone had said about my SO, or anyone else in my life, unless somebody was getting hurt. You REALLY don't want him to be bothered or confused by her comments, and you don't want to plant any further seeds of discord between them. If they develop a relationship, she will have opportunities to call him out about being opinionated, if it's worth it to her. Otherwise - what she thinks of him is none of his business. If it were me, I would ask my mom to stop sharing her negative opinions about my boyfriend. Again, unless someone was in danger of getting hurt.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 No way. You know what they say about opinions... everybody's got one.
carhill Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 My mother on the phone made a pointed observation about my boyfriend being opinionated. I know my mom and clearly she didn't like that aspect of my boyfriend, although she wouldn't directly admit it. I told her that I admired that he had strong opinions and wasn't afraid to express them. 'Mom, my partner and I stand together. If you have something to say to my partner, you say it to his/her face' Simple as that. BTDT, loved my mother very much.
Olive42 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I only mention the good things. If there were a serious issue, or potential for issue, I might say something to my husband just before getting together with my family, like "My mom is very sensitive about xx topic, and I really want to enjoy dinner tonight, so just fyi, can we try to not bring this up during our meal?"
Author Cee Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks for your feedback. I'm not saying anything to him, but my mom might ultimately do or say something hurtful to him. My brother-in-law and mother have had some tense moments in the past. My mom behaved horribly to him a few times and he stood up to her and demanded an apology. Which she did. In the meantime, I'm not going to worry about it. But if things get serious between us, I think I should warn him that she is capable of doing or saying mean things.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I mention everything. Perhaps not the best idea
torn_curtain Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I also used to be in the mention everything boat, but lately I'm trying to put a lid on that. My mother is very critical of everyone I date, and rarely has anything nice to say.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 When someone says something uncomplimentary about your SO, do you keep it to yourself or tell your SO? My mother on the phone made a pointed observation about my boyfriend being opinionated. I know my mom and clearly she didn't like that aspect of my boyfriend, although she wouldn't directly admit it. I told her that I admired that he had strong opinions and wasn't afraid to express them. I don't take stock in any opinions my mom has about anything in my life. I'm not bothered by the comments, although I am taken aback that she made a point of bringing it up. In fact, she brought it up in the voicemail message before we talked on the phone. I don't want to bring this up to my boyfriend. I don't want him bothered or confused by her comments. However, I ask Love Shack about your thoughts on the matter. Should I tell him? What do you think? Cee, is this the same mother you often mention who made you a bit skittish with people? It sounds like everyone should perhaps take her criticisms with a grain of salt, and likely you've shared some of your formative experiences with your BF so he knows that about your mother, no? At any rate, would I tell my BF if someone criticized him? Maybe, maybe not. It would depend what was said, when it was said, if it felt like hiding it to not say it, etc. I never do anything that feels like hiding, but that's just me. If I did mention it, it'd be because it seemed natural to do so. And if I didn't agree with it, that'd be 100% plain when I mentioned it, so it wouldn't be a criticism on my SO at that point but a criticism on the person who levied the criticism. But, really, I share a lot with an SO, and most people -- family and friends, certainly -- who know me know this, so they'd rarely feel free to shove such criticisms at me, if they wouldn't say it to his face. And I'm not interested in playing the middle (wo)man there. In this particular criticism, it doesn't even sound. . . so bad. (And it's ironic: your mother has a strong opinion that she dislikes your BF's strong opinions! ) I'm imagining the way she put it, since you've previously called her a "rage-a-holic" in threads, was bad. But if someone told me, "Damn, your BF is too opinionated" (and he is opinionated!), I would probably laugh about it. And he would too, if he heard it. We're both opinionated folks, and we both know it. C'est la vie. If someone criticized him in a way I found particularly hurtful, I would probably confront the criticizer myself. I'm not sure if I'd tell him. In the end, I likely would, just because it was an emotional experience of mine that I wouldn't want to keep from him, but maybe not right away. And certainly it would not be "about" the criticism, but about how my relationship with the criticizer went, and I may not even directly mention the specific criticism, if I were worried it would feel hurtful to him.
torn_curtain Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I think it almost always looks bad when you reveal to a person what somebody else has said about them in confidence. The person you tell this to will automatically wonder if you'll do the same to them (gab about something you told them in private).
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I wouldn't simply because I wouldn't want to know if the situation was reversed. Hearing those comments can be negative and damaging and I don't know what could be gained from them. It doesn't really matter what other peoples opinions on your SO are, unless its a comment you agree with. If you agree with it, it may be something you wish to discuss with your SO, but there's no need to mention the third party.
Citizen Erased Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 It depends. If they have a big problem with him, then yes I would. If it's just some passing remark, I wouldn't even remember what they said to be honest.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I think it almost always looks bad when you reveal to a person what somebody else has said about them in confidence. The person you tell this to will automatically wonder if you'll do the same to them (gab about something you told them in private). Oh, true. It doesn't seem like Cee's Mom said that to her "in confidence" though. She just said it. It doesn't seem like it was a personal secret. I do keep secrets if I promise to keep them. But I solve this by letting everyone know that there are no/few secrets between me and my SO. (This is true of most close couples, btw, whether they tell you it or not.) I still respect most secrets, but I would never respect one that was about my SO and keep that from my SO (and everyone who knows me knows this). That seems silly. And you should have as few secrets, yours or other people's, from an SO as possible. As carhill said, when you have a SO, you stand together on most things. Depends on the seriousness of the relationship, of course.
torn_curtain Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Oh, true. It doesn't seem like Cee's Mom said that to her "in confidence" though. She just said it. It doesn't seem like it was a personal secret. I do keep secrets if I promise to keep them. But I solve this by letting everyone know that there are no/few secrets between me and my SO. (This is true of most close couples, btw, whether they tell you it or not.) I still respect most secrets, but I would never respect one that was about my SO and keep that from my SO (and everyone who knows me knows this). That seems silly. And you should have as few secrets, yours or other people's, from an SO as possible. As carhill said, when you have a SO, you stand together on most things. Depends on the seriousness of the relationship, of course. In general I don't see the upside in volunteering to a SO something hurtful that your relative has said about him. I guess there are some circumstances where the information would be important for him to have -- and I wouldn't hide it if he asked me directly, but for the most part it seems like a bad idea to volunteer. It would just hurt him, make him uncomfortable and strain his relationship with that relative.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 In general I don't see the upside in volunteering to a SO something hurtful that your relative has said about him. I guess there are some circumstances where the information would be important for him to have -- and I wouldn't hide it if he asked me directly, but for the most part it seems like a bad idea to volunteer. It would just hurt him, make him uncomfortable and strain his relationship with that relative. It depends. I don't see an upside to hiding anything. If I'd just forgotten it (like CE said, which I'm sure has happened to me), I wouldn't mention it, but if it was a part of a larger issue --- like I had an overly critical mother who'd been acting this way for years and just said **** like this --- I'd probably mention the larger issue, and it may come up. I don't believe in keeping secrets. Which doesn't mean I'd rush right over to tell my SO every little nitpick anyone had for him. (Though, as I said, my friends/family would know to keep that stuff to themselves, in most cases, unless they were going to raise the issue with my SO directly. Not that I'm judging Cee on this: it's not her fault that her mother behaves badly, and unlike a friend, you don't cut your Mom off just because she has bad behavior.) Hence the detailed analysis on what I'd do. The "benefit" is just having a general attitude of open communication, trust, honesty, and sharing. I find it hard to keep much of note from my SO with such an attitude and relationship style. That doesn't mean I word-vomit everything everyone has ever said, but if something stands out as significant to me, as this did to Cee, I would probably need to mention it in some way, shape, or form, lest I felt like I were hiding something. Hiding is bad. Granted, in Cee's case, I think it's probably more about the deeper issues with her Mom, which is perhaps more important to share, if she hasn't already, than this one incident of criticism of her BF.
make me believe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 In general I don't see the upside in volunteering to a SO something hurtful that your relative has said about him. I guess there are some circumstances where the information would be important for him to have -- and I wouldn't hide it if he asked me directly, but for the most part it seems like a bad idea to volunteer. It would just hurt him, make him uncomfortable and strain his relationship with that relative. I totally agree. I would definitely not tell my husband if somebody made rude comment about him. What would be the point? To hurt his feelings and make him uncomfortable around that person? If a family member or friend of mine frequently critisized him, I would bring it up with that person and mention it to my husband in a "I don't know what's going on with my mom, but she's been making some rude comments lately.." way. Not "omg sweetie, guess what my mom said about you!" And I would only tell him if I felt like it was going to come up later or be a legitimate problem with the other person. Otherwise it just seems unnecessarily hurtful, and asking for drama.
Author Cee Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 As a rule, I never spread negative gossip. But I do need to disclose to my BF that my mother will meddle when she thinks it's the right thing to do. She always thinks she's right and feels superior to her three adult children. It irks me, but my sisters and I let it slide. My mom is a risky person to have in my life. I have forgiven her for the abuse in my past and she's done a ton of work on herself. For the most part, she is now accepting and loving. She is so kind to her grandchildren. But she still has some weak points and, if I get too close, she can hurt me and those I love. If she hurts my BF, I would be sooooo pissed.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 As a rule, I never spread negative gossip. But I do need to disclose to my BF that my mother will meddle when she thinks it's the right thing to do. She always thinks she's right and feels superior to her three adult children. It irks me, but my sisters and I let it slide. My mom is a risky person to have in my life. I have forgiven her for the abuse in my past and she's done a ton of work on herself. For the most part, she is now accepting and loving. She is so kind to her grandchildren. But she still has some weak points and, if I get too close, she can hurt me and those I love. If she hurts my BF, I would be sooooo pissed. I think that's a good balance. Gossip isn't worth spreading, but if something happens that bothers you, it's worth getting to the root of it and sharing it with your SO. Because that's part of who you are. I'm glad to hear your Mom is better now than she used to be. I remember some posts of you talking about her from your childhood, and that sounded pretty upsetting. But I'm sorry to hear you still feel that dissonance with her. I think sharing yourself with your BF is important, and the relationship you have with your mother is a part of you. That's the more important part of this story (not that your opinionated mother feels your BF is too opinionated) --- how it gels and meshes with who you are, what you feel, your experiences, and the like. I wouldn't keep a part of myself from my BF, personally, as that wouldn't be a fulfilling relationship to me. Still, I also wouldn't worry about it being some huge deal to him. Anyone who would judge you for your mother---another human being you have no control over---or the hardships you've endured/endure there is acting badly, and your BF always sounds like a very nice guy. I cannot imagine him doing so. I know you've commented before you have trouble sharing your feelings/thoughts sometimes because of your past, and I think doing that is the more important thing.
Author Cee Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks, zengirl, for the encouragement. It truly is hard for me to open up because of my past. The positive thing is that I do have my own independent thoughts and actions. I simply keep quiet about them a lot of the time. It's my year anniversary on Love Shack and I am amazed how much you know about me. More than some of my real life friends. I've blabbed a lot on here. It's a great outlet.
Imajerk17 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 When someone says something uncomplimentary about your SO, do you keep it to yourself or tell your SO? My mother on the phone made a pointed observation about my boyfriend being opinionated. I know my mom and clearly she didn't like that aspect of my boyfriend, although she wouldn't directly admit it. I told her that I admired that he had strong opinions and wasn't afraid to express them. I don't take stock in any opinions my mom has about anything in my life. I'm not bothered by the comments, although I am taken aback that she made a point of bringing it up. In fact, she brought it up in the voicemail message before we talked on the phone. I don't want to bring this up to my boyfriend. I don't want him bothered or confused by her comments. However, I ask Love Shack about your thoughts on the matter. Should I tell him? What do you think? I would advise you not to tell your boyfriend. What would it accomplish? It would just add friction to their relationship. If you found out someone disliked you, would it make you like her more or less? He sounds like a great guy. Truth is no one is perfect and no one is liked by everyone anyway. Odds are they will grow on each other as they spend more time around each other anyway.
Imajerk17 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If you and your mom have issues, that is all your boyfriend needs to know as far as "getting" you and deepening your relationship. Again, why add more friction when it would do no good?
Author Cee Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 My sister gave me some advice based on her husband and my mom. She reassured me that everything will be okay between my BF and mom. I was blowing things out of proportion. Me blowing things out of proportion??? I would never do such a thing. Things are copacetic now. Thanks for giving a lot of great feedback.
Recommended Posts