neomye Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Well after a year of LDR and a lot of arguments i decided to break up with my ex.... it was hard.. i was heartbroken...after 3 weeks of NC he sends me a message and said he wanted to give it another chance.. after texting back and forth i gave in only to find out how cold and distant he would treat me, its been 3 weeks, no phone calls only text once a day .. ive confronted him and he said he wants to take it slow this time because he wants it to work. What should i do.. i feel like im waiting for something that should be there already.. to sum it up .. i feel like im picking up the scraps he has for me..someone out there please help me..
danceallday Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 This person is toying with you. Next time they text say that you would prefer to meet in person. Tell them that you think emails and texting is impersonal and if they really want another chance you need face to face contact. Proceed with caution. This person may be playing you as a fall-back plan, or a second option. If someone really wants to be with you they will do anything to let you know. Have your boundaries in place. Know what you want and stick to it. Make it very clear if you want a commited relationship or if it is truly over. Good luck.
geegirl Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Well after a year of LDR and a lot of arguments i decided to break up with my ex.... it was hard.. i was heartbroken...after 3 weeks of NC he sends me a message and said he wanted to give it another chance.. after texting back and forth i gave in only to find out how cold and distant he would treat me, its been 3 weeks, no phone calls only text once a day .. ive confronted him and he said he wants to take it slow this time because he wants it to work. What should i do.. i feel like im waiting for something that should be there already.. to sum it up .. i feel like im picking up the scraps he has for me..someone out there please help me.. I assume your relationship is mostly via text or email. How much face time have you both actually had through the year that you have been together. After a year of being together, have you both talked about wanting to bridge the gap to get closer and work on building an R together versus from a distance?
Author neomye Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 He has been here six times .. most of the time we argue and end things.. at the beginning he would call but now he just will not and does not embrace the idea of me calling.. i really do not know what to make of this
geegirl Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 He has been here six times .. most of the time we argue and end things.. at the beginning he would call but now he just will not and does not embrace the idea of me calling.. i really do not know what to make of this So your R is basically: 1) Arguing and ending everytime you meet (all 6 times) 2) Your communication is non-existent 3) One year and no sign of an effort to bridge the gap and be closer to each other 4) No sign of the R progressing. Infact it is going backwards 5) He is not putting in any effort to even want to talk to you You know what to make of this. You're either in denial, blinding yourself from what you know is a relationship that is not going anywhere or you really believe all of the above is an R worth salvaging. What about this R is fulfiling and nurturing to your needs?
Author neomye Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 First i really want to thank you for replying, you cant not imagine how much i need this. To answer your question i really do believe I'm in denial, he was my first bf i found him online again after 18 years, i guess i feel this is my last chance to be happy, or i need someone to be there (even though he is not in every sense of the word). Its just hard to give up hope.
geegirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 First i really want to thank you for replying, you cant not imagine how much i need this. To answer your question i really do believe I'm in denial, he was my first bf i found him online again after 18 years, i guess i feel this is my last chance to be happy, or i need someone to be there (even though he is not in every sense of the word). Its just hard to give up hope. This is your last chance to be happy? All he's done is make you feel miserable. So, what happiness are you speaking of? It's one thing if he was an absolute gem but he's not given you one thing to make you happy. What "happy" are you expecting him to give you? You may never have a chance at being happy if you continue this way. Also, I don't believe it is about happiness but the need to just have someone, anyone because you are afraid to be alone. Hope is a good thing when all arrows are pointing up. Hope is a bad thing when all arrows are pointing down. You're hiding behind hope because without it, you'll have no choice but to deal with the pain of accepting the reality of what you really have, which is nothing. As long as you keep settling for this, literally nothing relationship, the longer you will be in pain and alone. If you're banking on happiness, consider your chances bleak. But the sooner you give yourself a chance to at least feel healthy and happy within, the faster you will be able to allow the possibility of a healthy person to enter into your life and offer you what you truly deserve. That's giving yourself a good shot at finding happiness. Being alone is one thing. But being in a relationship and still feeling alone is just not worth it. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor? You have to ask yourself why you feel you are deserving of someone treating you this way but most of all, feel so dependent on this man who, really has given you nothing.
Author neomye Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 You are so right... but how do I break this cycle?.. I've done the NC, done the talking trying to figure out what he wants from me.. only to see that when I'm doing fine or at least accepting the fact that this is not going anywhere, he comes back and starts talking about trying again..I guess i have to be strong
shayla Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 after 3 weeks of NC he sends me a message and said he wanted to give it another chance.. after texting back and forth i gave in only to find out how cold and distant he would treat me, its been 3 weeks, no phone calls only text once a day .. (my reply is in bold) This man is poking you with a stick. He is playing with your heart. He will keep doing this until you don't know whether you are coming or going. Do yourself a favor and get out of this now.
geegirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) You are so right... but how do I break this cycle?.. I've done the NC, done the talking trying to figure out what he wants from me.. only to see that when I'm doing fine or at least accepting the fact that this is not going anywhere, he comes back and starts talking about trying again..I guess i have to be strong How do you break the cycle? You break the cycle by doing the opposite you've always done. What you've always done is fed into his same old bs about trying. And you've taught him that he can come back and feed you crap and you will gladly open the door again. You teach people how to treat you. If you put yourself first and tell yourself no more BS and shut that door, guess what? He will attempt to push you because he will think you will crack but when you stand your ground, he will get the hint. No one can make you do what you don't want to do. Don't use his persistence to justify your weakness. Just think about it. Everytime he's come back to try, has it worked? NO. What's different about the 207th time? Nothing. If after all that it's still not working, then it won't. It has nothing to do with him but you clinging to hope that maybe, just maybe it will work and he will mean it the 208th time he comes around. If everytime you've gone back only to be hurt again, guess what? There's more of that waiting for you. It's that thing called hope. Until you chuck that fantasy out of your head, you'll keep on lather, rinse, repeat cycle till you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You can wait to drain yourself of every ounce of self-esteem you have or start thinking and realizing that this situation is never going to change no matter how many times you take him back because he wants to "try". Try? That in itself is so empty. "DO" and "TRY" are two different things. If he's doing, then yes, give him a chance. But wanting to "try" over and over again with nothing to show for? You know this is futile. You just can't let go because you are too hopeful, thinking that your next "try" is just going to be it. Sad to say, if someone has to try and try and try to be with you, then you have your answer. Edited August 24, 2011 by geegirl
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