She got the GIGS, i told her we have to go NC, feel like hell, what do i do?

[Wumbo]

Ok so the breakup kicked off about 3 weeks ago. We had both felt a distance growing between us and at first the breakup was mutual as we both decided these misgivings were a sign. That was on the friday, by the sunday i was almost a hollow shell due to the pain and decided it didnt feel right and surely we just made a rash decision. She said she thought we had done the right thing.

 

A few days went by where we talked on the phone constantly and cried every time into the phone, I was so confused as i didnt understand why she felt so commited to it, I was having regrets, why wasnt she? did she not love me as much as i loved her?

 

So after about a week after the inital friday we were in the middle of one of our phone calls when after i listed reasons as to why i think the break up is such a waste of 2.5 years of love (her reasons were typical vague GIGS related ones so i didnt understand or think they were 'good enough') she comes back with "... i think you're right. maybe im just stressed at prac" (she had recently gone into social work practical work and it is a stressful time for her) "maybe we should just put our relationship on the back burners for a while til i sort my **** out."

 

So we tried to have space and contact less often while remaining 'together' but it didnt work, almost immediatly we were txting several times a day and spent almost every moment possible together. Still, she was not really happy, i sensed it and felt like the break up was proceeding alive and well. She felt guilty about stringing me along and not being able to commit so she said it was over. I was crushed. However there was hope, she said lets remain friends. I thought "its ok, i can still see her" but of course seeing her and cuddling on the couch together to watch movies just made me remember that she wasnt feeling the same things as me. Of course sooner or later I realised this 'friends' situation isnt helping and is in fact tormenting me. I then found this wonderful amazing site and decided that maybe NC was the way to go, so many ppl here swear by it.

 

I started to limit my contact with her but she just got really heartbroken and asked why was i trying to cut her our of my life. I said i didnt want to but had to else ill go mad. I actually referred her to here to show her the place ive found support as i want her to be happy as i still care about her endlessly. She found the GIGS articles almost straight away and identified with them.

 

After reading them she started to doubt her decision, said she was happy when she was with me, i knew this might happen and i really wanted to say "well maybe you dont really want to break up" but instead, thinking of her and perhaps both of our futures i said "i know you need this and i love and care for you so i have to let you go" -god i didnt want to say that, i just want her back so much, and yet i love her so much so i want her to be happy and iv read you cant get over GIGS so easily. -On the other hand ive also read GIGS is just the fading of Limerance (love chemicals in the brain) which young inexperienced people (neither of us have had any others) mistake for falling out of love. What if im letting her go and we could have so much more if we just accepted and worked through this 'fading of limerance'? We've arranged to meet 2 days from now to talk a little more about parting and to say goodbye (I said i think we have to have full NC from then on out) -We both cried, and she texted me saying "ill support you with NC to help you heal" - why does she have to be so lovely? I wish i had something to not like about her, so i feel good about the split... i have her on this pedestal and i dont want to hurt anymore but i dont want to ever let go and take her down of it, she was my first love...

 

The problem through a lot of this is that people always say "you will love again" but this is my first love, we met in high school, spent 2.5 years together which ment we supported each other for almost all of university (meaning i didnt make as many friends because i always had her, and now im feeling alone) She was my first kiss, we lost our virginity together and everything in between. I feel like ill never love anyone that intimatly again, and i dont want anyone to share anything with her like what we did.

 

Im sorry this is so long...Its just been 3 weeks of confusion and now its coming to the crunch and i just hate my life atm. I want to be the better man, to look after her by letting her go-But i dont want to! GIGS is ruining my life...

 

Does anyone have any advice or think i did the right/wrong thing?

If I must leave her, is there anything i should remember to say wednesday so we leave it as healthy as possible? I want to leave it on good terms.

Is it worth it trying to reconcile and not letting her go? It seems almost selfish but she said she was happy with me and now she's dying inside just like me - it doesnt make any sense why we have to never see or speak to each other ever again when we were in love!?

Edited August 22, 2011 by Wumbo
Fixing up

[wilsonx]

FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB... DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB... SERIOUSLY NEVER EVER EVER SHARE THIS SIGHT WITH AN EX... Especially GIGS related ex's.

 

Your post is long but everything there is the same as all the typical breakups I have read. There's one key thing that you will not believe me at first but shes interested in someone else. Thats why she's starting to distance herself from you. You can tell me no way, its not true not my ex. I said it, my friends said it. "You just don't know her" Its true. It has nothing to do with her work, it has nothing to do with you. It's the way it is. She's gaslighting you by not telling you the entire truth (google gaslighting).

 

You have to go NC I wouldnt even meet up with her. Its not worth it. Nothing will happen for you. She's not dying on the inside, shes just mirroring you and how you are acting.

 

You will be fine, give yourself some time and space from her. Its going to take a while but you will start to see things that just were not right. Those are called red flags. You will find someone that treats you better as well. But for now you have to let her go... easier said then done

[Wumbo]

Well you're right about 1 thing, i dont believe she's interested in someone else. Even if it is typical and "noones that differenet", i dont think every break up or even every GIGS break up has to be like that. I may end up getting proved wrong but for now id like to think i at least knew her for those 2.5+ years.

 

Also we're meeting up to say goodbye, isnt that healthy? isnt that good for closure? several other posters here seem to think so-i hope it ends up that way.

 

Also i shared this site with her because shes still confused and hurting and i want her to have a place to find support too, why wouldnt i want to leave it on good terms where i know iv tried to support her? Like i said she hasnt been nasty or cruel in any of this just supportive, hence why its hard to not see her as amazing.

 

You are right in that im sure red flags with begin to show up once iv been NC for awhile though.

 

Thanks for the support and taking the time to read my post but i think and hope you're wrong about most of that.

[wilsonx]

You will learn something really quick when it comes to GIGS, I am right. I am on the money. Do you see how no one else comments on GIGS posts except to agree with me? I will even one up you on this, she has a mother that is emotionally unavailable and or crazy and a father that is not in the picture or is in and out of her life sparatically

 

I have been there, done that have the Tshirt. I am older then you, experienced it. Experienced the rebound from it and watched it with my friends.

 

Right now you have your ex on a pedestal. I can say anything negative but true about your ex and you will disagree with me on it. It honestly doesnt matter.

 

Tell you what, meet with her on Wed, look her in the eyes and ask her straight up. Do you have feelings for another guy? Keep eye contact the entire time, she will turn her head away and to the right if shes lying to you and says no. But she will admit it. Keep eye contact until she does admit it. If she does say no, say no seriously tell me the truth, we were together for so long I deserve to know the truth. It will come out.

[loverboy1984]

First of all I can say I have the same situation and its not unique. Just like you I thought I would be different than everyone else, but as time goes by you will see what everyone says here reveals itself to be true. Wilsonx is one of the top 5 people here who offers great advice so dont write him off or think you are different. The fact that everyone has almost the same situation shows that this is human nature. Its almost a science, and as a scientist I can tell you that when we know how something works, in this case GIGS, then we need to listen to the research and address it appropriately instead of blindly trying to re-invent the wheel and see if we can do it differently.

 

she has a mother that is emotionally unavailable and or crazy and a father that is not in the picture or is in and out of her life sparatically

 

Wilsonx can you elaborate on this. My ex who has GIGS has this family situation and Im trying to find the relationship between this on her actions. Thanks

[Wumbo]

mmm - well maybe everything wilconx predicted will come true but im sure noone would say every break up is the exact same. Especially because the family image prediction: "she has a mother that is emotionally unavailable and or crazy and a father that is not in the picture or is in and out of her life sparatically" is completely untrue, theyre both supportive parents and very emotionally aware. So it just goes to show not EVERYTHING has to be identical in every situation. I definatly think that while not everyone is the same, a lot of the things iv read on LS have been relatable and helped.

 

I do appreciate the advice and hope i dont seem like im just shooting the replies down but im probably a little crazy atm and havnt had much sleep.

[Wumbo]

Just_Scott you're not helping please dont comment on my threat anymore.

 

Does anyone have any helpful advice about whether im doing the right thing by letting her go?

and is there anything i should remember to do tomorrow to leave it in the healthiest/best way possible?

[wilsonx]

Do what you want to do. I gave you the best advice possible, you can chose to believe me or not. That's why no one else has commented, the relationship is over, you dont need to meet her, go NC.

[Wumbo]

Thanks homebrew, ive read a few of your posts before and they always seem quite wise and explain the 'whys' and 'hows' very well' even if theyre hard to hear.

 

I think ill stick to them from now on. Thanks for the support.

[katie.x]

^^^^^^^ What Wilsonx wrote above ^^^^^^^

 

I suggest you spend some time reading my thread below:

 

Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread!

 

I break it out for you in detail.

 

Homebrew, i'm not an established member so I can't PM you. If i gave you my email can i post to you through there with my story? I read through G.I.G.S and i'd like your opinions please

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