lonelynyc Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I'm officially 2 weeks NC today (sounds a little like people in AA/NA trying to get sober) but it hasn't exactly been easy. I still love my ex, and every day my mind drifts to her and some of the good memories when our relationship was still a happy one. Sometimes I even have minor panic attacks when I realize I might never speak to her again. Coming to terms with the fact that you are no longer important to someone who you used to be so close with is a very difficult, painful thing. She's probably dating right now, but I'm just not there yet. It wouldn't be fair to the new women I meet when I still harbor such strong feelings for my ex. I got back a few days ago from a week long vacation in Panama, and the whole time I was there I didn't really interact with women when I went out. I was pretty antisocial in that respect, not really engaging in conversation with women who approached me. My heart just wasn't in it. Still, despite all the challenges of being NC and heartbroken, I sometimes feel relieved. My self-esteem was really damaged toward the end of my relationship--my ex said a lot of extremely hurtful things to me and I'm glad I'm not dealing with that type of verbal abuse on daily basis anymore. When we'd bump into people she knew in the street, she stopped introducing me to them. Then, she broke up with me, and started to toy with my emotions constantly summoning me to her place, only to disavow me and kick me out of her life the following day. This happened frequently, throughout July. She had me walk her dog on several occasions so she could go out to her friends' parties or beach houses... I'm a survivor, I have been through a lot in my life that has nothing to do with romantic relationships, but the situation I was in made me weak beyond recognition. And I resented the treatment I was receiving, it really did bother me. It's a relief to not be that puppet anymore. Could 3 weeks be that turning point when all nostalgia fades and I begin to embrace being single and out of a relationship with my ex? I certainly have enough reason to begin distancing myself emotionally from what was a dysfunctional relationship... What can I do to speed that process up?
FinOuch Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 sounds a little like people in AA/NA trying to get sober We're all a bunch of relationship addicts! It's good that you're taking time off from dating, regardless of what your ex is doing. I'm a big believer that rebounds rarely end well. I wouldn't worry too much about speeding the process up. Everyone heals in their own time, and I would say 2 or 3 weeks past no contact is a pretty good paced progress for the emotional state you've conveyed in this post. I don't think there's really any way to force healing and moving on. You may be able to quicken it a little bit by posting and reading content on this site, journaling (I'm a big fan of gratitude journals), working on yourself, reading relationship/breakup books, and all the other stuff that people suggest on this forum...but even with all of that it will still take time. Don't be alarmed if one day you feel as if everything is going to be okay and all is right with the world and the next you've backslid a little bit and are missing them something fierce. This is completely normal. Healing is, to some degree, a little bit cyclical from what I'm experiencing...and even with the best efforts to help yourself, it still takes time. (isn't that a p*sser? The biggest healing factor is one we can't really control) Just be patient with yourself and proud of the progress you have made thus far.
fetish1980 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 grieving is a very painful and mind boggling process, as with any loss of a loved one whether it was through death, divorce, or separation. There's a lot of things that i'm still learning about the process and alot of new things i'm discovering about myself along the way, good and not so good. The way you're handling this is very mature and is good to recognize that you're not ready to date yet, regardless of if your ex is or not. It takes alot of strength of character to not want to do a quick fix to your emotions by rebounding. One thing i've found helpful to do is focus on your progress and things you've done to deal with the pain. When I focus on the fact that i haven't been intimate with anyone else yet, i start to feel undesirable and in turn i feel bad about myself. If i focus on how hard and long i talked to my mother or father about it, i feel bad. Checking off little things like, going to the gym, socializing and meeting new people, waking up everyday and going to work. Those are the things to focus on. So pat yourself on the back for the 2 weeks of NC, that's an acomplishment. Your emotions are going to cause you to backpedal but it's important not to get discouraged. I'm still backpedaling and it's been over 6 months since my break up as i find i still miss the good times we had. fetish
citrusdrop1688 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 all i can say is that im 4 weeks nc and i feel just about exactly the same as you. I thought it must have been peaking at 2 weeks, but feel closer to breaking nc now then I have the whole time
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