SweetCafe Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Dear LoveShackers, I have been a member since I was 21, and 11 years later, this is my first post. The forum has forever given me the comfort and/or brain food I need throughout that time, but this time, I do need to scream out and interact and hope all your thoughts and reality checks will kick in. I do hope you manage to read this and let me know you honest thoughts. Last year, at a busy and loud event, a (female) acquaintance introduced me very quickly to a couple of her male friends, asked them to look out for me, and ran off to dance. I realised that I recognised one of them from another event the week before, and that we had exchanged looks and a smile then. My instincts for him were instant - I felt like he was family, a long-lost friend. You know the feeling Loveshackers? Yes, he was cute and I was attracted but also felt so very familiar and comfortable. He took my number and for the past 12 months, he has called me almost every day. It is not completely platonic, and I knew from the beginning that it was not exclusive and that he was not looking for a commitment. I was fine with that as I was at a stage of transitioning myself. My rule was: Do what you want but don't let me notice. I met up with my female acquintance a week after he and I had started talking, and she asked me quite deliberately if I had been on any dates recently. I said "Nope" because I truly hadn't by then. She persisted "Are you suuuure? Nothing at all?" and I again said "No". I did sense that she was digging for something, but I dismissed that. If she wanted to ask if I had seen her male friend, she could ask me directly. I mentioned this to him, and he said "It's just the way she is - she's a bit nosey. She knows I took your number the other day" I asked how they knew each other anyhow and he said "We used to work together, me, her and the other guy you saw with us the other day." Fair enough. I left it there. I actually shyed away from her for a few months, and during that time, he and I continued with our "friends with very occasional benefits" dynamic. However, I totally love the person that he is or perhaps could be in future, and I don't think I could be blamed for thinking I was somewhat a special friend, on a different level from his random "liaisons" as you would too if a person calls you every day for hours, talks about their work, makes you laugh, makes sure there is a good night call, cares about your well-being, climbs over walls and balconies to come and see if you're alive just because you'd been ill and hadn't replied to calls for 3 days, takes hours talking over whatever general work/life concerns you etc... AND THEN! At some point, the female acquaintance mention came up again, and he said "She's actually my best friend". I was royally shocked as he had NEVER mentioned her at all, never once said he'd met up with her or spoken to her. I asked if in that case, he had mentioned to her, that he now speaks to me etc, and he said "No. I am too private and she is too nosey. I don't speak to her about these things. She's never liked it, and thinks I should be telling her everything, but that's how I am. There is only one male friend I discuss private matters with. You can tell her that we talk and that we're friends, but you don't need to tell her that we are intimate, and you don't need to tell your friend X either as I do meet him in my social circles". Me: I don't see why you'd be so secretive with a best friend. Do you and her have anything going on, or did in the past?" Him: Nope. Nothing like that. She is just complicated and touchy about things. It never sat well with me. The next time she reached out to me for some professional advice, I met her and she mentioned his name, and I could tell she was totally oblivious to the fact that I knew him. So I told her honestly "Babe, I do know him - we've been speaking since the day you introduced us. I am not comfortable with him not having told you, and the reason I am saying this, is because I feel there is something I should know. If you two have something more than friendship, please tell me, and I will withdraw" Her: Noooooo. We have been best friends for 5 years, we talk almost every day. At the beginning, him and the other guy were always at mine, then it was just him. We travel together in a group. I care about him a lot. I do have issues wit his secrecy, and we always argue about it. This isn't about you and you're not the problem - it's him and his secrecy that I do not appreciate - especially that I introduced you guys. He always lies to me about where he has been and I am sick of it. This is not how best friends treat each other." She then confronted him about me, saying that this was the last straw, and apparently, his response was "you were only acquintances then anyway! I don't talk to her all the time! No! I haven't slept with her." "Hmmmm. Hmmmm" - I say to myself. "Now now. Why lie to your best friend about these things? What has she got on you?" Mind you - neither of them mentioned this to me. She did - and only months later when I asked her if this topic has been broached. Since then, I understand from both of them that they have been arguing non-stop. He has clocked on to the fact that she and I are now closer and that we do talk about him and reaching conclusions that are not always flattering. I decided that I would step away. She wouldn't have any of it "Nooo, I am fed up with him. But I want to know that there is someone like you who will be there for him. Please don't give up on him" Hmmm... He and I spoke about the fact that this was uncomfortable. He has therefore decided that he is staying away from both of us. His logic "You and her are good friends. I don't want to ruin it. I have realised that I cannot be close friends with a female and not have it complicate my life..so I need to change my dynamic with both of you". He even said to me "I do not want to see both of you together in the same space" I feel so bad for perhaps being the reason for ruining their friendship. I also feel bad that I am a casualty of whatever it is they have - and it's unfair. They both still insist they have always been platonic. I ain't buying it. I ain't buying his reasons for not telling her about me. I ain't buying why he now feels so cornered that he needs to escape. I don't understand why she is sooooooo upset with him for not telling her. Is this as obvious as it looks guys or something else like female friend being possessive?
vsmini Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I dated a guy for a year and a half that had a female friend - he called her a very good friend. The female and I became somewhat friends and then I noticed some weird stuff oging on - much like what you're telling me about your guy. He wouldn't tell her certain things and would give me a long list of excuses why. Being private was another BS excuse he also used. I asked her if something was going on and she acted all offended and insulted that I asked (I suppose I can see how it is insulting) - only to find out when he dumped me a few weeks after I started to do some digging that I was really onto something legit and he was infact cheating on me. Men and women can lie to your face so easily. It's possible that he's just a very strange dude that isn't messing around with her but sounds like bad business to me. I've lived it myself.
chelsea2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I have found that a defensive reaction usually means there is more going on than meets the eye. Why not pull out of this and leave them to their drama? Take the high road and eliminate t from you life. It kind of sounds high schoolish anyway. Who needs that?
xxoo Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 He lied to her about you (said you hadn't slept together, didn't talk all the time). He's likely doing the same with her, and lying about it. He asked you to keep secrets about your relationship. He likely asked her to do the same--hence her lying about it. Sounds like he likes to surround himself with women who give him attention, and benefits, without asking for any exclusivity. Sounds pretty good for him!
vsmini Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 He lied to her about you (said you hadn't slept together, didn't talk all the time). He's likely doing the same with her, and lying about it. He asked you to keep secrets about your relationship. He likely asked her to do the same--hence her lying about it. Sounds like he likes to surround himself with women who give him attention, and benefits, without asking for any exclusivity. Sounds pretty good for him! I agree. He sounds like a cake-eater. Get out of it. If I could do one thing differently in my life with my ex it would be to walk away the very same day I found out he was lying to his good girl friends about us. I let the excuses he fed me slide and I regret it to this day.
Professor X Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 My rule was: Do what you want but don't let me notice. Why did you sniff around if from the beginning you didn't wanna be told the truth? Why do you even care? However, I totally love the person that he is or perhaps could be in future, If I had a penny each time I heard that... Is this as obvious as it looks guys or something else like female friend being possessive? I don't know.. possessive friends got power only on spineless people, because unlike a SO, there's no commitment between the 2 that could be used to manipulate the situation. So, you know the guy, if he was weak, than yeah, she could of been possessive. If he wasn't (which I have a feeling that's what you'll say) than no, that's not the case. In other words, it's kinda obvious.
Author SweetCafe Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Prof X always to the point. Thank you. What could be the rationale behind these behaviours of hers? - just for my own clarity - I have taken on board all that you all have said. --If she wants him for herself why would she not just say to me "YES! I DO have something going on with him, so go away and leave us to it please". Why not? I gave her the option straight out, didn't I? --What is it that makes this girl urge me to stick around with him so that he can have someone like me to be there for him, seeing that she is giving up on him. She says she is just "maternal". --In one moment of anger with him, when he accused her of "investigating" him (via speaking to me), she text me to say "I'm so done with him and his rudeness. He's all yours!" but yet she wanted me to call her so she could vent her anger. Quite telling language but at the same time, she insists on maintaing a "friendship" with me. Why? Why not just ensure I get out of the picture so she can enjoy him?
Professor X Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Prof X always to the point. Thank you. What could be the rationale behind these behaviours of hers? - just for my own clarity - I have taken on board all that you all have said. --If she wants him for herself why would she not just say to me "YES! I DO have something going on with him, so go away and leave us to it please". Why not? I gave her the option straight out, didn't I? --What is it that makes this girl urge me to stick around with him so that he can have someone like me to be there for him, seeing that she is giving up on him. She says she is just "maternal". --In one moment of anger with him, when he accused her of "investigating" him (via speaking to me), she text me to say "I'm so done with him and his rudeness. He's all yours!" but yet she wanted me to call her so she could vent her anger. Quite telling language but at the same time, she insists on maintaing a "friendship" with me. Why? Why not just ensure I get out of the picture so she can enjoy him? I am not saying he is 100% sleeping with her nor do I say that she wants him. However, what I do say is that the way he's manipulating you both is suspicious to say the least. At any rate, I think you're asking the wrong questions, you should not be asking why she is acting the way she does, but rather why is he acting like he does, why is he hiding the 2 of you from one another (don't want you to meet, etc). Wish I could give you the truth, but I can't. Anyway, you know it's not a RS and from the way things seems to unfold, I'd say pack your things and run away, there's just way to much drama over some FWB scenario. Though again, I'd like to mention that you said you know its not a proper RS (i.e. exclusive) and after so long.. Why do you bother, is this guy made out of gold and diamonds? Does he pee $$ ? P.S. You are way to involved with him for it to be a simple FWD matter, maybe just find yourself a real man with real intentions.
Recommended Posts