SweetCafe Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Dear LoveShackers, I have been a member since I was 21, and 11 years later, this is my first post. The forum has forever given me the comfort and/or brain food I need throughout that time, but this time, I do need to scream out and interact and hope all your thoughts and reality checks will kick in. I do hope you manage to read this and let me know you honest thoughts. Last year, at a busy and loud event, a (female) acquaintance introduced me very quickly to a couple of her male friends, asked them to look out for me, and ran off to dance. I realised that I recognised one of them from another event the week before, and that we had exchanged looks and a smile then. My instincts for him were instant - I felt like he was family, a long-lost friend. You know the feeling Loveshackers? Yes, he was cute and I was attracted but also felt so very familiar and comfortable. He took my number and for the past 12 months, he has called me almost every day. It is not completely platonic, and I knew from the beginning that it was not exclusive and that he was not looking for a commitment. I was fine with that as I was at a stage of transitioning myself. My rule was: Do what you want but don't let me notice. I met up with my female acquintance a week after he and I had started talking, and she asked me quite deliberately if I had been on any dates recently. I said "Nope" because I truly hadn't by then. She persisted "Are you suuuure? Nothing at all?" and I again said "No". I did sense that she was digging for something, but I dismissed that. If she wanted to ask if I had seen her male friend, she could ask me directly. I mentioned this to him, and he said "It's just the way she is - she's a bit nosey. She knows I took your number the other day" I asked how they knew each other anyhow and he said "We used to work together, me, her and the other guy you saw with us the other day." Fair enough. I left it there. I actually shyed away from her for a few months, and during that time, he and I continued with our "friends with very occasional benefits" dynamic. However, I totally love the person that he is or perhaps could be in future, and I don't think I could be blamed for thinking I was somewhat a special friend, on a different level from his random "liaisons" as you would too if a person calls you every day for hours, talks about their work, makes you laugh, makes sure there is a good night call, cares about your well-being, climbs over walls and balconies to come and see if you're alive just because you'd been ill and hadn't replied to calls for 3 days, takes hours talking over whatever general work/life concerns you etc... AND THEN! At some point, the female acquaintance mention came up again, and he said "She's actually my best friend". I was royally shocked as he had NEVER mentioned her at all, never once said he'd met up with her or spoken to her. I asked if in that case, he had mentioned to her, that he now speaks to me etc, and he said "No. I am too private and she is too nosey. I don't speak to her about these things. She's never liked it, and thinks I should be telling her everything, but that's how I am. There is only one male friend I discuss private matters with. You can tell her that we talk and that we're friends, but you don't need to tell her that we are intimate, and you don't need to tell your friend X either as I do meet him in my social circles". Me: I don't see why you'd be so secretive with a best friend. Do you and her have anything going on, or did in the past?" Him: Nope. Nothing like that. She is just complicated and touchy about things. It never sat well with me. The next time she reached out to me for some professional advice, I met her and she mentioned his name, and I could tell she was totally oblivious to the fact that I knew him. So I told her honestly "Babe, I do know him - we've been speaking since the day you introduced us. I am not comfortable with him not having told you, and the reason I am saying this, is because I feel there is something I should know. If you two have something more than friendship, please tell me, and I will withdraw" Her: Noooooo. We have been best friends for 5 years, we talk almost every day. At the beginning, him and the other guy were always at mine, then it was just him. We travel together in a group. I care about him a lot. I do have issues wit his secrecy, and we always argue about it. This isn't about you and you're not the problem - it's him and his secrecy that I do not appreciate - especially that I introduced you guys. He always lies to me about where he has been and I am sick of it. This is not how best friends treat each other." She then confronted him about me, saying that this was the last straw, and apparently, his response was "you were only acquintances then anyway! I don't talk to her all the time! No! I haven't slept with her." "Hmmmm. Hmmmm" - I say to myself. "Now now. Why lie to your best friend about these things? What has she got on you?" Mind you - neither of them mentioned this to me. She did - and only months later when I asked her if this topic has been broached. Since then, I understand from both of them that they have been arguing non-stop. He has clocked on to the fact that she and I are now closer and that we do talk about him and reaching conclusions that are not always flattering. I decided that I would step away. She wouldn't have any of it "Nooo, I am fed up with him. But I want to know that there is someone like you who will be there for him. Please don't give up on him" Hmmm... He and I spoke about the fact that this was uncomfortable. He has therefore decided that he is staying away from both of us. His logic "You and her are good friends. I don't want to ruin it. I have realised that I cannot be close friends with a female and not have it complicate my life..so I need to change my dynamic with both of you". He even said to me "I do not want to see both of you together in the same space" I feel so bad for perhaps being the reason for ruining their friendship. I also feel bad that I am a casualty of whatever it is they have - and it's unfair. They both still insist they have always been platonic. I ain't buying it. I ain't buying his reasons for not telling her about me. I ain't buying why he now feels so cornered that he needs to escape. I don't understand why she is sooooooo upset with him for not telling her. Is this as obvious as it looks guys or something else like female friend being possessive?
123BeachFan Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 The way I am reading your story is that the two of them insist they are only platonic. You and he insist you are only platonic. You are having a casual FWB relationship with this guy because that's all he's able/willing to give. Chances are, that's what he's giving your friend as well (crumbs). It is very hard to upgrade an ongoing FWB relationship to something more substantial, and once you find yourself wanting that, you really need to call it quits (because pressuring him to upgrade won't work, especially this guy). She's definitely acting like a jealous girlfriend, even if her label is only that of friend. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy is calling things off with you so he doesn't find himself more squarely in a love triangle (though I think it's too late for that). I wouldn't blame you for ruining their friendship. It does sound like this guy is something of a Player, and doesn't mind so much if feelings get hurt as a result of his secrecy.
geegirl Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) It's funny how we always believe we're different from the rest, when in fact, if he's treating other women shabbily or less than perfect, he's doing the same to us/you. He may have been attentive, only because he was getting what he needed from you. He has to keep you engaged and interested to reap the benefits. He was just playing both sides. He was hoping to play without the possibility of you two finding out about each other or discussing him. Now that you both share his dirty deeds, he wants nothing to do with the two of you. And this is because he's not being completely truthful to either side. Now that you two talk, you both will share, connect the dots and where does that put him? So, best to keep away from the two of you. His cover is blown. And, when you are FWB with someone, most likely you will never upgrade yourself to anything more. I don't believe he was in it for anything except for the fun of it because when the s**& hit the fan, he bolted. You shouldn't be concerned about ruining a friendship. It just seems as if people are using each other and lying and being secretive to one another. That is not a friendship. But even if they had a so called friendship, they'd be able to sort things out between them and salvage it. You on the other hand, should start focusing on removing yourself from unhealthy people. Edited August 22, 2011 by geegirl
Author SweetCafe Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 You and he insist you are only platonic. . Just a lil correction BeachFan, I have actually told her that he and I are NOT platonic. Hoping this would encourage her to also be honest - but I guess not. I really like her, and we did click from before she introduced me to him - in fact, she had actually told him about me prior to him meeting me. But I don't understand her behavious, and his insistence on keeping things from her. It looks like they might be platonic now, but have not always been, and hence the extra residual "sensitivity". I just don't see how a grown-ass male and female can be around each other, at work and after work for 2 years +, talk on the phone every day, and say nothing has ever gone on. I don't even speak to my best friend of 20 years everyday! Also, for the life of me, I don't get this "Please don't give up on him. I want to know there is someone like you to be there for him" that she says to me. (??)
Author SweetCafe Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thank you geegirl. It really is very obvious especially for a grown up - but we just always need validation that we aren't bonkers (crazy). And absolutely true - if they really are friends, they would salvage it. I just have to tell them both that they are free to do so. It is quite telling langauge she has used recently when she had her big bust up with him about something else - she wrote to me saying "I am done with him! He's all yours" and wanted to talk about how rude he'd been. "All yours"? Hmmm. Quite telling eh?
geegirl Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Thank you geegirl. It really is very obvious especially for a grown up - but we just always need validation that we aren't bonkers (crazy). And absolutely true - if they really are friends, they would salvage it. I just have to tell them both that they are free to do so. It is quite telling langauge she has used recently when she had her big bust up with him about something else - she wrote to me saying "I am done with him! He's all yours" and wanted to talk about how rude he'd been. "All yours"? Hmmm. Quite telling eh? I have a strong feeling that there is more to this story when it comes to the both of them. It sounds like her feelings have been hurt and that, like you, probably thought he was just "seeing" and being attentive to only her. Now that she knows about you and was beginning to see his true colors, she likely busted his chops, he got tired of it and she decided she was done and you can now have him. Whatever the case may be, it's shady and he's slimey.
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