lostgirl77 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I am with my boyfriend now for 1.5 years. Were in our 30's, both with established careers. We have plans of getting married within the next year or so. We do love each other despite having started a temporary long distance rElationship last month due to work. We continue to communicate and make plans to see each other once a month. The problem is that his parents for Years now has been nagging him to marry within their race/culture (armenian). I am asian. My family has no issues with it. They just want me to be with someone who I love and who loves me back. My boyfriend has always been clear to them that this is what he wants and that if they cannot accept him for that - that it's ok. More recently, he said his family is signing off on him. I felt so sad to hear that. But that also alarmed me because if we do get married so, how would the family situation pan out? I asked if he wants to follow his parents wish just to mend the relationship, he said no. That it has nothing to do with me personally. But they won't approve of anyone who is not Armenian. He told me not to worry as his plans hasn't changed about us but he is in the middle of this drama and so he has to deal with this first. I just want some advice from you guys especially those that are/were in the same situation. We love each other. But I'm afraid we will never be happy as a family because of this.
Professor X Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 He told me not to worry as his plans hasn't changed about us but he is in the middle of this drama and so he has to deal with this first. So ye, don't worry; Besides, there's nothing you can do anyway and his family problems has nothing to do with you per say - it's the concept of him dating non-armenian girl thats the problem. So sit tight, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Leave it to him to solve his issues, just make sure you don't burden on him.
spice4life Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Sounds like you have a strong, confident man who knows who he is and what he wants. That's a wonderful thing! The fact that he is dealing with his family and protecting you by not dragging you into it, shows he is an emotionally mature strong man. Do exactly what professorx said and sit tight, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Best wishes!
Author lostgirl77 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I'm rEally proud of him for being firm and for protecting me. Sometimes I'm such a brat that I nag him about marriage and such that I fail to realize how much pressure and stress he has on his shoulders. I do love him a lot and he feels the same way. I just wish I can do something to fix this relationship. He's been under a lot of stress with work and family situation that he tries to deal with it alone and not involve me. It's harder now because we live 3000 miles apart so somehow theres a feeling of disconnect. But we text everyday and we talk and FaceTime and I know that we still love each other very much. I know I hit jackpot with him. I just hope I can be the support he needs.
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I think it's hard for some families from the "old country" to accept the fact that their children are going to date/marry people from other cultures. I don't think it's personal, it's more about their insecurity and need to perserve their own culture when in a new, dynamic, pluralistic society. I was with a man of Greek background and his parents were actually from Greece. I happen to be very curious about different cultures so I took this as a learning experience. I asked his mother to teach me how to cook some Greek dishes (whcih we did together and it was fun), and I learned a few words, listened to some of their music, I even accompanied the family to church on occasion for major holidays. And I spent time talking to her about her cultural experiences - what it was like to live in her country, what are the traditions, etc. This did a lot to reassure his family that they wouldn't be losing their son and their culture. The only caveat is to be careful that they do not become too overbearing and expect you to be a complete convert - you need to balance your involvement in their lives but still keep being you. In short, when after 8 years I left him (absolutely a necessary thing to do for many reasons which I will not get into here) the family was sooo sad because they truly felt they had lost a daughter. In fact, I was unbelievably sad too as I had lost a family. Reaching out to other people and showing openness can actually have them reaching out and accepting you right back! I have found this has worked with mothers-in-law regardless of their culture. It feels great! Edited August 22, 2011 by ja123
Ruby Slippers Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Sounds like you have a strong, confident man who knows who he is and what he wants. That's a wonderful thing! The fact that he is dealing with his family and protecting you by not dragging you into it, shows he is an emotionally mature strong man. Do exactly what professorx said and sit tight, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Best wishes! Exactly. You are lucky. Most people don't have the fortitude to withstand family demands like these. And not only is he refusing to let them dictate his life, it sounds like he's also doing a great job of protecting you from the fallout. I wish you all the best with him. He sounds like a great guy.
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Also ... Practice patience, humility, flexibilty, understanding ... and you can still assert your boundaries in a postive and respectful way. But do stop nagging (that just ain't fun!) it's most likely due to the inability to manage and appropriately communicate your own frustrations, as well as general insecurity. I'm sure he gets nagged by his mother (she Armenian, right? lol) and you don't want him to feel like he's marrying his mother. Goog luck!
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