Jonnyy Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 So my current Ex definately has G.I.G.S to a T. We have been perfect and no problems for almost 2 years. Then out of nowhere she comes out saying she doesnt want to regret anything and wants to explore, typical symptoms of G.I.G.S. Of course i was heartbroken, but she was also very confused about everything as well and went through a great deal of crying and stress. To put the cherry on top she was crushing on another guy, 6 years older, while we were dating and i feel like that had something to do with her feeling of G.I.G.S. We both had alot of the same friends and after the breakup i went to one of them just for some support and advice and compassion. My ex got upset about it saying that everyone hates her, no one cares about how she feels, that i was talking **** about her behind her back, when in reality i wasnt and all i was doing was telling people the exact situation if they asked. She said i was being pushy about all of this when in reality i dont feel like i was, but i could have been i guess, i really do not know. Ive stressed to her to follow her heart and do what she feels right. Although the day after we broke up i found out she was at the other guys house together and i got a little upset and called her. I was a little angry to see her move so fast after the breakup and i felt it was only natural to feel the way i did. I raised my voice a bit, but i then ended the convo saying, you know what? we arnt even dating anymore so i have no right to even be upset, im sorry, and goodbye. I felt i ended that right. During all of this time we have kept in contact because she had wanted to. We talked alot about how we felt. But about a week or two after the breakup we both were at a friends graduation party. I tried talking to her as friends and she just seemed very distant and not involved in the conversation with me. She said she felt uncomfortable and i said that it would be probably best if i left. We hugged goodbye and i left the party. That same night she texted me yelling at me saying how one of our friends went up to her saying that all of our friends were one sided in the whole situation (my side, even though i had not tried to persuade or sway them in any way, 100% their opinion) She said that i was talking **** when i told her i wasnt and that i didnt deserve to be talked to this way. The next day she said she needed space, i respected her decision and gave it to her. But that whole week she had always started to text me first and was extremely nice to me and playful, almost flirty in a way. She even told me that she wanted to come to my graduation party even if it meant getting dirty looks. She also said she got me a gift. Later that week i got info from a friend that her crush was in an engagement while he was hitting on her, i told her about it to warn her and be careful and told her it was just because i cared, she was upset at me and took her crushes side. The next day we had another party of a friend that we were both invited to, we were both going until i asked her to do me a favor and not be mean to me and not act impersonal towards me. She got very upset about that and said she felt attacked by that, when all i was trying to do was keep the peace between us. She withdrew from that nights party, my grad party, and stated that we shouldnt talk for awhile. I respected her decision once again and agreed that it was for the best. I deleted my fb a few days later, and she texted me asking why, i told her it was just for the best and it was to ease my mind. Then a few more days later i went through immense pain and suffering and thought about her all the time and was going to go to her house to try and get her back, and i asked her cousin to ask her if she was going to be home, my ex found out and texted me saying it was not a good idea to come over because she had plans. I told her i just wanted to tell her that i loved her, cared for her, and that she meant everything to me. She said "i know but just in the future if you need to talk to me about something talk to me and not someone else" i said i wanted it to be unexpected and a surprise and she said she knew and just wanted me to know for the future. I asked her if she still didnt want to talk, and she said she thinks its best. I respected her decision and understood, and just told her that i miss her, i love her and i care about her and i just want her to know that. She said i know and thankyou. That was a few days ago and weve been NC since then. Im just wondering if there is any hope for me if i keep up with NC. We are both going to the same college soon and idk what to do if i happen to bump into her. Did i mess up at all during all of this? I realize NC is best right now and LS is helping a great deal with coping. Im just looking for some advice on how to handle the situation right now and what to do if she ends up contacting me. Thanks in advance guys!
wilsonx Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) You need to end all communication with her. If she communicates with you just ignore it. She is going to push pull push pull you into a world of confusion. You have to do this. If you read your post now, you are agreeing to all her terms. Do you have any terms? The relationship is over, the only term there should be is she should never contact you again. I will tell you that a long time in the future, there is a possibility that she may try to come back in your life. I will give you a lesson based on my personal experience and those of my friend I speak about in my other thread, history repeats itself and she will leave again. As far as your friends seeing what is going on and it making her mad, you dont have to tell them anything. If they have half a brain they will see it on their own and wonder why she jumped so fast. Its not emotionally mature to do those types of things. She does have GIGS. Its a real phenomenon. I've watched 3 really good friends relationships come crashing down in the past 3 months all same signs all same symptoms. Mine came crashing down too. There is a psychology to it as well. You can read about it in the "I am no longer attracted to you" thread in my signature. Mack05 supplements it extremely well. Edited August 22, 2011 by wilsonx
Layzie89 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Listen to what wilsonx is saying, hes right. You may think this LC business you got going with her is helping you cope but in actuality all it really is is temporary satisfaction. Go STRICT NC...that means you dont contact her and you don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. Trust us man, it's the best thing you can do right now. It's hard in the beginning but stick with it and I promise it gets easier as time progresses. I know because I'm 8 months NC with my ex who has GIGS and she has reached out twice since then.
Author Jonnyy Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I understand the need for NC, but the thing is is that we were so in love. We were absolutely perfect together and we had plans on getting married someday. I feel as though this is just like a summer phase and that it will pass. I know its wrong, but i really do want her back. Obviously i would not take her back right away, but i would maybe say like hey, lets just be friends for awhile first. I have no plans on breaking NC, but what if she breaks NC and wants me back? I know i probably sound stupid in everyones eyes on here, but in my head/heart this is not the same girl i fell in love with and that she is going to realize what shes doing and say "wow, i ****ed up". Is reconciliation an option here? Ive heard success stories of people with G.I.G.S and i feel if anyone has a chance of a success story itd be me. And again, I know i probably sound stupid, but what if after awhile of NC she contacts me wanting me back and i still have feelings for her? She told me right away about the crush when we were dating and she literally felt terrible about it, crying, hugging me, not knowing what to do. Of course i got mixed signals, but ive read even on here that G.I.G.S is not the dumpers or dumpees fault. Im not the guy to just completely kick her out of my life, Im sorry but i cant be an ******* like that. Its just not who i am. I feel like if this passes and she comes back, she will obviously need to apologize, i will forgive her, but i will also say that we cant get back together right at this point in time. I feel that in time we can start over as friends, and if she really did love me/want me and only me, she would respect that and go through anything to have me back. Opinions? Edited August 22, 2011 by Jonnyy
wilsonx Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I understand the need for NC, but the thing is is that we were so in love. We were absolutely perfect together and we had plans on getting married someday. I feel as though this is just like a summer phase and that it will pass. I know its wrong, but i really do want her back. Obviously i would not take her back right away, but i would maybe say like hey, lets just be friends for awhile first. I have no plans on breaking NC, but what if she breaks NC and wants me back? I know i probably sound stupid in everyones eyes on here, but in my head/heart this is not the same girl i fell in love with and that she is going to realize what shes doing and say "wow, i ****ed up". Is reconciliation an option here? Ive heard success stories of people with G.I.G.S and i feel if anyone has a chance of a success story itd be me. And again, I know i probably sound stupid, but what if after awhile of NC she contacts me wanting me back and i still have feelings for her? She told me right away about the crush when we were dating and she literally felt terrible about it, crying, hugging me, not knowing what to do. Of course i got mixed signals, but ive read even on here that G.I.G.S is not the dumpers or dumpees fault. Im not the guy to just completely kick her out of my life, Im sorry but i cant be an ******* like that. Its just not who i am. I feel like if this passes and she comes back, she will obviously need to apologize, i will forgive her, but i will also say that we cant get back together right at this point in time. I feel that in time we can start over as friends, and if she really did love me/want me and only me, she would respect that and go through anything to have me back. Opinions? There is only one thing I agree with you on here. It's not the dumper or the dumpee's fault. Nothing either one of you could have ever done to prevent this. It was going to happen anyway. But, you can prevent it from happening a second time. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. If you do accept her back in the long run, it will happen again. Let me repeat this, IT WILL happen again. By accepting her back, you have OKed her behavior to cheat on you and leave you again. She now has free reign to do whatever she wants in the relationship. Don't believe me, read this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292717/ This is what happens in a GIGS reconciliation. This is spot on of what I went through but not the length of time. You will essentially become her doormat. I am going to be point blank and tell you, SHE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER GUY. Do you not have any dignity and self esteem? Do you want her back when she comes running back. You are going to be her friends with benefits until she finds someone else to move on to. She's going to push pull you back and forth back and forth and like you are now, you are not going to know which way is up. Its not about being an *******, its about you standing up for yourself and putting YOURSELF first. If you do not do this, you will walk through life getting walked on and over like you did this entire relationship. The fact is she really did not love you. She doesn't know how to love. She tells you that because she is hurt and she needs you to love her to cover up the hurt she has internally. She has attractions and crushes but no love. When she tells you she loves you shes telling you that she needs you to love her. Hurt people can not love. If you think about it, you do love her and would never leave her, look at her if she loved you, she would never leave you (see logic here?). So here's my challenge to you, Go NC for 7 days, then add another 7 days on top of that then add 2 weeks. Then go to 2 months, and then come back to these forums and tell me how you feel about your old relationship after 2 months NC, I guarantee you will see huge red flags that you missed or chose to ignore while the relationship was going on Edited August 22, 2011 by wilsonx
Author Jonnyy Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 If you spend a couple days reading old threads on LS you'll find probably 2,000 similar paragraphs. At least a dozen from me alone. I know, I know. Nobody can tell you the love you experienced was flawed. That nobody is perfect, therefore neither is any relationship. People change, physically/mentally/spiritually over the course of their lives. Sometimes these changes dont jive with the person you're in a relationship with. Some people choose to not work out these differences and instead daydream of getting out, getting away to a new relationship and a new honeymoon phase. You need to realize that, for right now anyway, you two are not in a relationship. Therefore, calling her and dictating how you think she should act before you're about to see each other will only aggrevate/annoy her. It will create more distance, in a bad way. Soon you'll find that the ways to get her back are by working on yourself, not contacting her and not obsessing over her actions. By then you probably won't want her back because you'll see all the red flags you missed while in the relationship. At least thats the way its worked for 99 percent of the people on here. I fought it, too, though - so I understand where your head is at. I agree 100%. I truly believe that NC is the very best thing for me right now. Ive been NC since Thursday. Yes i know that there are a million other posts like mine and yes i know that many many people are going through the same situation as me right now. I also am not trying to dictate her at this point right now and i am no longer obsessing over her and this whole experience has built me into a new, better, and overall well rounded man. I do realize that G.I.G.S reconcilliations rarely do work out and that the original dumper ends up dumping again, but if she ends up wanting me back, i will no doubt make sure that that is not the case. Apology is needed...immensly, I need to make sure the other guy is out of her life, and I need her to prove to me that i really am the only one she wants and loves. And wilsonx, I can understand where you are coming from by saying she never did love me, but in reality i know the love was there. I do not blame you for saying that she didnt, but since i am the only one that knows the big picture, i feel it in my heart that we did have something special, that we did love each other, and that this G.I.G.S phase has come over her like a demonic spirit. I also will by no means take her back right away, that is just stupid of me if i did. I would forgive her because everyone deserves to be forgiven and say that we would need to start over, as friends from day one again. If i feel things click, then maybe ill give it another shot, but right now no one can predict the future so who knows what will happen. I also know for a fact that her friend has swayed her into the G.I.G.S phase for her friend is also in the same phase and broke up with her bf when she had a crush on someone else. I feel as though she felt obligated to search the dating world because we were each others first loves. I feel that what i said in this post is the right thing to do, and im reaching out to you guys for advice and opinions on the matter and my actions.
wilsonx Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Give yourself some time. Keep NC. If you read your post that you just wrote, you have your ex on what we like to term, the pedestal. You have her higher then where you stand on the ground. Nothing she does is wrong. You are defending her while you are hurting and suffering. Do you see this? She hurt you but you are still defending her and her actions. You need to kick her off the pedestal and you need to stand on top of it. That takes time and effort. I know this breakup is fresh but now is a good time to start. Starting putting yourself first. Stop worrying about the future and if she comes back. What are you doing today that will make you a better man? 1
Author Jonnyy Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Give yourself some time. Keep NC. If you read your post that you just wrote, you have your ex on what we like to term, the pedestal. You have her higher then where you stand on the ground. Nothing she does is wrong. You are defending her while you are hurting and suffering. Do you see this? She hurt you but you are still defending her and her actions. You need to kick her off the pedestal and you need to stand on top of it. That takes time and effort. I know this breakup is fresh but now is a good time to start. Starting putting yourself first. Stop worrying about the future and if she comes back. What are you doing today that will make you a better man? I feel like you are right about me putting her on a pedestal. Its hard not to when she meant everything to me. When we first broke up i was a wreck. Lost 15 pounds from not being able to eat, constantly stressed, a constant "oh ****" feeling in my stomach, and i thought about her alll the time. Now i am alot better. I can eat normally now, im not so stressed, shes not always on my mind anymore. I think NC has helped alot. But my question is, is NC work differently if shes the one who wanted it? Im still in the early phases of the breakup so i am still not ready to date any other girls or even persue a new relationship. Truth is, is that im scared. Im obviously still not over her, i realize that, but at the same time i dont want to because part of me always has that little false hope. I guess the only thing i can do right now is to continue to be social with my friends and continue NC.
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