JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) Ok so this is going to be said in chunks- I thank ALL you who read this: Background: im 25, shes 19. Been dating my gf for 2 years, and things were great- blah blah, we were in love, etc... about 3 weeks ago- I had told her about how I think we should take a "break" for a month, and she was free to do anything with any guy. 1)my motives were NOT cus I was losing interest, I was in love. I have insecurity issues, so I wanted to see if shed agree to the idea. 2)Heres the weird part: I have this crazy sexual fantasy of imagining my gf getting it on with another guy. I KNOW ITS SO MESSED UP:mad: but I cant help it. It like pisses me off, but gets me excited all at the same time. I feel so weird admitting this, but I guess the best way to describe it is, "its like watching your gf in a porno." Our own sex life is fine. 3)I could NEVER tell her this in fear that shed think im weird and call me a crazy sex addict (which I may be?) -So back to the situation- She took this as an insult- thinking I wanted to hook up with another girl during our "break." COMPLETELY understandable and messed up on my part. I did it to myself. But I had said it and I couldnt take it back. Later that day, I apologized, and she accpeted. But things got weird from that moment on. About 2 weeks after, she suggested the idea of a break (her idea). Now in my mind- I went berserk- Although I said I wanted a break 3 weeks ago, she now wanted one. It would be fair right? No!, my intentions were not the same as hers. In my mind Im thinking that her intentions are because she just wants to find someone or is already curious about someone else. Anyway, I agreed to the break up (in hopes that she realizes that i mean a lot to her) and hope she comes running back to me in the future. She told me we needed to start over as friends. I KNOW this never works out, usually a break means a long term break up. In a hot mess I am. What would you do? I am in such a mess- I TOTALLY f'ed up, and I KNOW it was completely my fault. I shoulda never let my sexual fantasy pop up like that. Edited August 22, 2011 by JB93
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Just to add to this: I know I acted immaturely, I am insecure and jealous- however I am good at not showing it. I try to act alpha male, and while sometimes I am good at it, other times I am not. PS-It kills me to think she is interested in another guy- she is quite the catch. As soon as she was single on fb, so many guys were "liking" it.
Nsweet Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Jesus dude, it so much simpler than what you're making it out to be. You told her you wanted space but in such a way that it came off like an insult, and much more like you didn't appreciate her. So she did the same thing to you but this time to gain control over the situation and possibly manipulate you. You both need this time to cool off and center yourselves. You especially need to work on your own self esteem and take control of that codependency that will ruin your relationship. Later on you can show her how much she means to you through a few demonstrations but nothing too over the top or needy. I guarantee once you make some female friends you won't feel the same irrational fear of her leaving you for someone better because other women will value and find you attractive. You will especially not be as needy to please and keep her because you will always have potential other options who appreciate you and want you secretly.
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks NSweet. I told her I think we both need time off and hopefully things work out, if not, then fine (although I want them to work out). Im playing it cool, not being needy or desparate. Hopefully it works out. Im gonna go with the NO CONTACT approach for a bit
Nsweet Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 You're going to need to be very strong with NC until YOU ARE READY. don't let her manipulate you into talking or wanting her back whenever she calls or texts. You have to stay strong no matter what and let her win you over, not the other way around. That means ignoring her completely until she is willing to give up some of her control. When you decide to talk again you will have the difficult task of building up trust and comfort again because there WILL be an awkward feeling around eachother. You will have to give her some time to get use to you again and build up comfort before you apologize. Later you can spend time together as you see fit but not to join her like a little lost puppy.
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Hmmm.... Ill add a few more details-as i had mentioned about her FB status- it really did hurt me, and I want to get over it. I guess I am a jealous guy, but why do I have this "cuckold" fantasy? Ive been looking aroudn this site and apparently its somewhat common? I have no idea what to do about this? see a therapist? act it out with someone who will? keep it from my gf? just supress it?
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) You have the "cuckold" or "hot wife" fantasy as you mention. You can google it with "psychology of" to find out more about it. It's actually not uncommon as you know. I spoke to a guy who had this fantasy and he felt that primal competitve male sexual reproduction instincts were aroused and heightened - so it made him want her even more and heightened his orgasms. Edited August 22, 2011 by ja123
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 You have the "cuckold" or "hot wife" fantasy as you mention. You can google it with "psychology of" to find out more about it. It's actually not uncommon as you know. I spoke to a guy who had this fantasy and he felt that primal competitve male sexual reproduction instincts were aroused and heightened - so it made him want her even more and heightened his orgasms. I am having a mental struggle internally. I am insecure about her, and totally afraid of losing her, which i already have. But the very same idea of her cheating on me WHILE we were dating was a huge turn on. I would always fantasize about her getting ****ed by other men. I really hate that I am like this, but its a mental struggle I am trying to deal with. I sincerely dont know what to do
lapse Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 That's interesting. It seems like a very masochistic fantasy to me. There can be a number of reasons or personal patterns that could lead to that, imo. I'm not trying to problematize or pathologize it. That's up to you. If *you* consider it a problem, I'd dig there first. e.g., does it affirm something about you that you've internalized as your truth, etc. If you're ok with it, then don't do anything about it. There is someone for everyone... I think there are plenty of people who could meet you in that niche of desire. I can tell you that if my SO told me that, I'd be devastated. It would be a deal breaker.
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 totally understood- and i think logically I would too. Its tough cus I have 2 things going on at once. I am so in love with this girl its beyond crazy. I hate to sound like such a wimp, needy, desparate, but I am. And the second issue is this weird fantasy of mine- I fear that Ill be this way in the future too. Its like its "never" good enough. What can I do? Anyway, thanks for listening guys- im just a mess and hopefully time will heal me
lapse Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 totally understood- and i think logically I would too. Its tough cus I have 2 things going on at once. I am so in love with this girl its beyond crazy. I hate to sound like such a wimp, needy, desparate, but I am. And the second issue is this weird fantasy of mine- I fear that Ill be this way in the future too. Its like its "never" good enough. What can I do? Anyway, thanks for listening guys- im just a mess and hopefully time will heal me Maybe this break is a good thing because you have things to sort out. I wouldn't worry that much about her calling for the break instead of you. Take that time and use it well. And focus on you. Easier said than done, but it does sound like just what you need right now. RE: bolded above What *exactly* is never 'good enough'?
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 "It is never good enough"- im referring to the relationship= sexually, my fantasies get crazier until I say or do something stupid... so I told my ex gf and everything seemed fine- she listened and was surprisingly understanding- she told me i need to sort things out first before we talk, so I agreed. I am going to go think about some stuff and sort things out. She did tell me that she doesnt necessarily want it to be over (which I definitely assumed after what I JUST told her), and she said she loved me. So I guess there is hope- but the focus is gonna have to be on me and figuring out what to do... What should I do about htis fantasy tho? I admitted it which is a HUGE weight off my shoulder- but I guess I should just surpress it and work on my insecurity in some way.
lapse Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) Hmmm. Well, it obviously distresses you (the fantasies, the need for more and more), so I'd say you need to dig deeper into that. Given that it's something that makes you uncomfortable, you could talk to a counselor or just do your own research on that sort of thing and look at your personal history to see where and how that kind of dynamic is eroticized. If you're interested in it philosophically, you might want to read Georges Bataille's book Erotism: Death and Sensuality. I have an armchair psycholgist hypothesis that is worth about a sneeze. There could be a lot going on there involving power dynamics, voyeurism, S&M (just in the sense of eroticization of degradation), etc. So many possibilities. I also think it's important to know why you're uncomfortable with it. Culturally, it would be considered sexually deviant. But there's no reason you have to internalize external definitions of propriety. If you have a willing partner, then there's no reason not be into whatever you're into. As long as *you* are comfortable with it and you're not forcing anyone into it. That's my opinion. Edited August 22, 2011 by lapse
Author JB93 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Excellent post! I totally agree- we are raised with certain beliefs based on our culture- what is wrong sexually, what is right... however there is no right or wrong- its a matter of perspective, and what is right for you... Ive vented this out and talked to a close friend of mine about this, (including my exgf), and i will say that I feel 10x better having come out with this... Ive come to the conclusion- it mostly stems from insecurity. This insecurity and being self-conscious has made be feel inferior. Because of this, I never feel good enough, and therefore never good enough for my gf. This in turn I believe is what is causing me to feel this weird sexual fantasy that honestly turns me on, but also pisses me off like no other... I will just keep this at a fantasy, no more.... -------------------- My last advice is this: So After speaking with my exgf- I had said to her: Me: "sorry for all this information, i didnt mean the things i said- it difficult to tell you this secret. i was afraid to tell you, and i know it cost me our relationship, but i know ill get over it, it make take time, but i will." Her: "I will always be here for you. I love you deeply, but why are you so sure we are done forever?" Me: "I figured you would be disgusted by what I told you today, to not even give me second chance. Otherwise Id love to give it another shot" Her: "I think you need some time to figure those feelings out first, Once thats done, we can talk." Me: "DEAL!" Her: "I love you!" ---------------------- I KNOW I look weak by saying "id love to give it another shot" but how can I win her back? I want her to realize that despite my craziness, I am an awesome guy for her. We honestly never fight in person. I know this can be fixed, I just want her to realize this. Should I go without contact for a week? 2? Ps-i know about the alpha male status and have been reading COUNTLESS articles about getting your ex back, and they all seem to say, give her space- my question is, is this a similar situation?
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