donnamaybe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 If she was all that good of a time he wouldn't have dumped her to the curb. One can be a good time and still not be considered partner material. And that's not a swipe at you BEG. Everyone chooses a partner based on their fit with them. One person's ill fit is another's perfect match.
TurningTables Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Hi Brown.((Hugs)) I can feel the saddness dripping off your post. Im sorry about your pain. You need to chalk it up to a lesson learned and be happy that you didnt end up with someone who is less than worthy of your love and attention. Best wishes.
seren Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 MBEG so here i am that OW. the one that was thrown under the bus only to realize that her true worth was a quick good time in the bed and nothing more than something on the side. You are not just this, and I doubt very much that your true worth is just something on the side. Your true worth doesn't depend on the actions of the MM, but from what you have learned from it all. I hope you find someone who recognises and values your true worth and that you don't allow yourself to be defined by this one thing. Take care x
SunsetRed Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I have a MM, he is my husband, my best friend, soulmate, lover and keeper of my heart. I reciprocate Seren, your quote is what my future looks like! In the meantime, I am never going back xmm!
MissBee Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 AMEN AMEN AMEN TO THAT STATEMENT!!!!!! I would rather be alone than be betrayed! ;) Ditto to your and Heart's statement! I think neither the OP nor the BS luck out in most A scenarios. Endings make way for new beginnings mybrowneyedgirl. Sorry for what happened to you, but count yourself lucky! Most things end for a good reason, albeit painful sometimes, and give you an opportunity to do things better next time.
carrie999 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 so here i am that OW. the one that was thrown under the bus only to realize that her true worth was a quick good time in the bed and nothing more than something on the side. i loved him. he was my soul mate. he couldnt care less about her... UNTIL... dday. the time to make a choice. and when the choice was there to be made i didnt stand a chance. so when you think youre his everything. know its not true. get out before its too late. you too could be worth just enough to be burning rubber under the treads of that big yellow bus that he throws you under. if he loved you, hed be with you. simple as that. dont read into the signs or the clues or the what-ifs he throws your way. you are the OW. the one who doesnt matter. and no matter how much he might tell you or show you otherwise the proof is in the pudding. whether hes staying for the kids or the commitment he made oh so long ago - you never will be that girl. dont let yourself be fooled into it. you'll be better in the long run. Sounds like good advice in theory, except for the bolded. If he doesn't care about her, he doesn't care about anybody. That's the first sign he's incapable of loving you.
trinity1 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 so here i am that OW. the one that was thrown under the bus only to realize that her true worth was a quick good time in the bed and nothing more than something on the side. i loved him. he was my soul mate. he couldnt care less about her... UNTIL... dday. the time to make a choice. and when the choice was there to be made i didnt stand a chance. so when you think youre his everything. know its not true. get out before its too late. you too could be worth just enough to be burning rubber under the treads of that big yellow bus that he throws you under. if he loved you, hed be with you. simple as that. dont read into the signs or the clues or the what-ifs he throws your way. you are the OW. the one who doesnt matter. and no matter how much he might tell you or show you otherwise the proof is in the pudding. whether hes staying for the kids or the commitment he made oh so long ago - you never will be that girl. dont let yourself be fooled into it. you'll be better in the long run. Did you ever reply to his attempts to reach out to you?
fooled once Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Actually I was thinking that YOU are the one who needs the reading assistance. And an attitude adjustment as well! If you are a bitter BS, why don't you just stay in the infidelity board instead of coming here to get in your nasty comments. Take a chill pill. Wow Turbo. Owl did NOTHING to deserve this type of response from you. I hope Owl never stops posting here. He has some excellent advice. I really think you need to re-read the thread and see that Owl did nothing wrong; nor did he state anything incorrectly.
mzdolphin Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 What I find helpful is to take him out of the equation when I talk about why I got out. I make it about me. Instead of "he treated me like second fiddle. I say; "I refuse to be treated like as second fiddle." Or he says he loves me. Maybe he's telling the truth. Instead I say, it doesn't matter if he goes to bed every night wishing he were with me. My needs aren't being met, so I'm outta here. Make it about you. It won't be easy, you'll stumble sometimes and that's ok. Just avoid victim status and chose to champion your awakening. Be grateful for the lesson.
mzdolphin Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Oh, and don't be afraid to use humor. My best friend laughs every time I mention his name it is preceded by Lying-scheming-cheating on his wife _____________ So just insert your guy. Let's say it's Mike. So when discussing with a friend or even therapist his name is now lying-scheming-cheating-on-his-wife John. It helps you keep things in perspective. Because those sweet feelings will sneak back in there and the longing will pop up unannounced. By always identifying his behavior, it helps you avoid getting trapped in the cycle again. Remember, there is no Perfect way to end an affair. But ending it is the perfect solution.
MissBee Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 What I find helpful is to take him out of the equation when I talk about why I got out. I make it about me. Instead of "he treated me like second fiddle. I say; "I refuse to be treated like as second fiddle." Or he says he loves me. Maybe he's telling the truth. Instead I say, it doesn't matter if he goes to bed every night wishing he were with me. My needs aren't being met, so I'm outta here. Make it about you. It won't be easy, you'll stumble sometimes and that's ok. Just avoid victim status and chose to champion your awakening. Be grateful for the lesson. Awesome post! I agree! I think that is what most situations boil down to. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if this person is a liar or not, if they love you or not, if they this, that or the third or not. It doesn't matter! They can be who they want, love you or not, change their minds, etc. it doesn't matter..you have to focus on you and if you are getting what you need and you have to be a bit selfish sometimes! I had a lot of trouble with that, spent my time bending over backwards to understand this person's behavior and inaction versus saying "It doesn't matter why he does or does not do etc, he's not doing right by me for WHATEVER reason so I have to do what is best for me". It's one thing to sympathize or empathize but to put yourself at a disadvantage because of another's behavior is an entirely different matter. Focus on doing the right thing for yourself and leave this person to their own devises and trust that things will work out as they should.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 i have boiled it down. time and time again. truth is, he wouldnt be there if he didnt want to be. hes a jerk, used me etc etc etc. but it still hurts that my heart was in it 100%. the pain i feel now is completely giving myself to someone and trusting them only to realize that it wasnt in return. i still mourn the "perfect" whatever it is we had and am saddened that those amazing connections and feelings were false. i hate what he did to me, and how now i cant even begin to love again after realizing that something i was so certain of just wasnt the case.
KathyM Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 so here i am that OW. the one that was thrown under the bus only to realize that her true worth was a quick good time in the bed and nothing more than something on the side. i loved him. he was my soul mate. he couldnt care less about her... UNTIL... dday. the time to make a choice. and when the choice was there to be made i didnt stand a chance. so when you think youre his everything. know its not true. get out before its too late. you too could be worth just enough to be burning rubber under the treads of that big yellow bus that he throws you under. if he loved you, hed be with you. simple as that. dont read into the signs or the clues or the what-ifs he throws your way. you are the OW. the one who doesnt matter. and no matter how much he might tell you or show you otherwise the proof is in the pudding. whether hes staying for the kids or the commitment he made oh so long ago - you never will be that girl. dont let yourself be fooled into it. you'll be better in the long run. Yup, these MM are looking for sex on the side. They use women for their own selfish purposes. These are not men who you can expect to have a normal relationship with. They already have a life, they're just using you ladies for sex. The sooner you realize that and the sooner you ladies expect more from a relationship and stop being used and manipulated by these pathetic men, the better off you will be.
Alpha Q Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Yup, these MM are looking for sex on the side. They use women for their own selfish purposes. These are not men who you can expect to have a normal relationship with. They already have a life, they're just using you ladies for sex. The sooner you realize that and the sooner you ladies expect more from a relationship and stop being used and manipulated by these pathetic men, the better off you will be. And what about other MM who are not? Some are looking for love. For companionship. For understanding. Respect. Appreciation. Connection. Caring. Or whatever it is they're not getting in their marriage that they've tried and tried to get from their BWs but she just isn't interested in providing. Many As are not about sex at all.
woinlove Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Not sure why MM wanting sex is singled out. It does seem that most MM are getting something from their As, whether it is filling a physical need or an emotional need or both. They may be bored, feeling sex deprived, craving intimacy and not knowing how to get it, craving attention, validation, a sense of entitlement, whatever. They may not even know what they are looking for and tell themselves "it just happened" as if they had no control over their decisions and actions. Is it better/different if the hole they are trying to fill with an A is emotional rather than physical? The bottom line is that it is not a good coping strategy to delve into lies and deception to fill a need, and often the need comes from within and a healthier person who is capable of leading a more authentic life, would recognize things they could do honestly and openly to feel better about and with themselves. That might even be ending their M. Or it might not. Anyway, browneyegirl, I'm sorry you are hurting and I think the anger stage is good because it reflects the fact that you know you deserve better for yourself. Whatever MM was looking for, he didn't give you what you need and you shouldn't settle for less than you need and deserve.
SunsetRed Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Browneyed Girl, your post deserves 5 stars for being on target for how the MMs really feel about us. My MM is an x and our break up is a year old and I've actually lost feelings for him by now. BUT..to prove your point, 3 weeks ago, he came back, professing his love and wanting to rekindle our relationship. I wasnt ready for any type of sudden change to my life and pushed him away. Well, last week was Hurricane Irene, which was projected to hit our area hard and we were forced to evacuate. Just before the Hurricane, he called to wish me the best and reminded me not to call or text because he'd be with his family, protecting them!! !! After telling me he loved me and was ready to leave his family, guess where he was when a disaster struck! What a POS!! He didnt call me until after the hurricane and actually couldnt get me because all of my services were down. Still, he didnt come to check on me. Had he wanted sex, he'd have come by but checking on me after a hurricane wasnt as imp as getting laid. Thankfully, I was ok but still..this just proves what you said. We are nothing more than a sex toy to these guys and all the BS they feed us is just something to make sure they have a sex back up.
mzdolphin Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Awesome post! I agree! I think that is what most situations boil down to. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if this person is a liar or not, if they love you or not, if they this, that or the third or not. It doesn't matter! They can be who they want, love you or not, change their minds, etc. it doesn't matter..you have to focus on you and if you are getting what you need and you have to be a bit selfish sometimes! I had a lot of trouble with that, spent my time bending over backwards to understand this person's behavior and inaction versus saying "It doesn't matter why he does or does not do etc, he's not doing right by me for WHATEVER reason so I have to do what is best for me". It's one thing to sympathize or empathize but to put yourself at a disadvantage because of another's behavior is an entirely different matter. Focus on doing the right thing for yourself and leave this person to their own devises and trust that things will work out as they should. And Miss Bee, you have to work as hard at taking care of yourself as you did at trying to win him over. The rewards are endless when you do this.
mzdolphin Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Browneyed Girl, your post deserves 5 stars for being on target for how the MMs really feel about us. My MM is an x and our break up is a year old and I've actually lost feelings for him by now. BUT..to prove your point, 3 weeks ago, he came back, professing his love and wanting to rekindle our relationship. I wasnt ready for any type of sudden change to my life and pushed him away. Well, last week was Hurricane Irene, which was projected to hit our area hard and we were forced to evacuate. Just before the Hurricane, he called to wish me the best and reminded me not to call or text because he'd be with his family, protecting them!! !! After telling me he loved me and was ready to leave his family, guess where he was when a disaster struck! What a POS!! He didnt call me until after the hurricane and actually couldnt get me because all of my services were down. Still, he didnt come to check on me. Had he wanted sex, he'd have come by but checking on me after a hurricane wasnt as imp as getting laid. Thankfully, I was ok but still..this just proves what you said. We are nothing more than a sex toy to these guys and all the BS they feed us is just something to make sure they have a sex back up. Doesn't matter if he did check on me, as my ex MM did after the earthquake. Doesn't matter if they send flowers every week. If your needs aren't being met. If they remain married and continue to lie to you and their spouse, they are not worth the trouble. Run Forrest Run!
mzdolphin Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Not sure why MM wanting sex is singled out. It does seem that most MM are getting something from their As, whether it is filling a physical need or an emotional need or both. They may be bored, feeling sex deprived, craving intimacy and not knowing how to get it, craving attention, validation, a sense of entitlement, whatever. They may not even know what they are looking for and tell themselves "it just happened" as if they had no control over their decisions and actions. Is it better/different if the hole they are trying to fill with an A is emotional rather than physical? The bottom line is that it is not a good coping strategy to delve into lies and deception to fill a need, and often the need comes from within and a healthier person who is capable of leading a more authentic life, would recognize things they could do honestly and openly to feel better about and with themselves. That might even be ending their M. Or it might not. Anyway, browneyegirl, I'm sorry you are hurting and I think the anger stage is good because it reflects the fact that you know you deserve better for yourself. Whatever MM was looking for, he didn't give you what you need and you shouldn't settle for less than you need and deserve. An emotional fair won't get the BS AIDS. Although I do think if MM is really emotionally involved he tells BS it was just about sex. They think women are ok with that. I think the BS of my ex MM would be more horrified to find out that we spent many dates playing tennis or at golf driving range. Two of his passions that she does not share an interest in. He would bring his clubs and racquet whenever he spent the night.
wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Dude the guy treated her like dogsh*t, that aint the way a guy treats a girl he loves. U can play wit words in as many pretty ways as u like but call a spade a spade, the dude aint got no respect. So true!!! Someone once told me, (and I wish I would have really listened to it and heard what they were telling me)..... when a man truly loves you, he shows it.... he will give up everything. and just as a man who truly loves you shows it, and man who truly does not love you will show it. Men in general, might be able to say what they know we want us to hear, but they have a very hard time keeping up a love through his actions, if love isn't there. I have been thrown under the bus too many times to say. And each time I have allowed him to tell me he was sorry, and he was under pressure and "had a gun to his head". This pressure and gun have caused this poor innocent man to tell his wife my most intimate secrets (which he denies), call me and tell me its over, we were nothing more than friends, etc. etc. And each time, I stupidly took the bait and started it again. Until I woke up one day and realized it robbed a decade of my life. 1/4 of my life has been spent with this guy. WOW!!! I'm so sorry you are hurting. I am too....I'm right with you sister. It doesn't matter, how, or why.....rejection is rejection....AND IT HURTS. What the big thing is, is that we learn from our lessons. We become stronger, and we might slip again.... but we keep learning from our slips. Take care of you. Hugs!!!!
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