Stncldgent Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Here is my situation, I have been friends with my now ex for about 13 years, I had a crush on her for a long time prior to us ever dating. I am 36 and she is also 36 with 3 children. Everything was going great until out of the blue she breaks up with me over text telling me this is how it has to be, first reason she gave me was that I had to many female friends on my facebook page.(yeah the stupid facebook problem) then she said that she felt that she was the only one trying to make it work. There was some signs that she was going to do this though in the last couple weeks before she ended things she would not talk or text like we used to. Because we would do one or the other every night no matter what. Anyways she gave me the classic I love you, and will love you until the day I die, and I still want to be friends with you because "we were friends before all of this" and that she was scared to lose our friendship over this. I told her that I had to think about it a couple days passed and I decided that our friendship should be able to outlast this so we were going to remain friends or so I thought. Now she does not want to talk or text anymore, I know from the past that when she started dating someone back when we were just friends she would stop talking to me. Since we are creatures of habit I know that she is seeing someone else. most likely even before she broke up with me. Anyways I call her out on it. I send her a simple text of "hey I know that you are seeing someone new but I thought you still wanted to be friends, I still value our friendship but apparently you don't because I can see that you have deleted me out of your life. I also said that I felt like I was her safety net only to used until she found someone new" She proceeded to tell me that I was not her safety net and that she would never do that to me because she loved me so much. She told me that she was perfectly fine being single and the reason why she stopped talking or texting me was that she was busy getting her kids ready for school. well the next night I run into a mutal friend that tells me she is seeing someone else. I tell that friend not to tell her that we spoke they agreed and we went about our business. All this was also in a round about way confirmed from her oldest daughters status update. I sent her another quick message telling her that I was ok with her seeing someone new and that I would talk to her whenever she felt ready to talk to me again. She messaged me back that she wasn't seeing anyone and she was just busy with her kids, and that she was also busy with looking for a second job. that was about a week ago. I have decided to go NC with her because I can't handle her lying to me even though it kills me because I thought our friendship was true and now I have to question if even that was a sham. My question is why is she going out of her way to lie to me about seeing someone and telling me that she is perfectly fine being single? Other than she knows that I love her and still want what we had back, maybe she is again trying use me as a safety net in case this new relationship doesn't work out. I dunno I'm so confused my heart tells me one thing but my brain is telling me another. I know that I need to move on but in the end I do care about her and her kiddos. I guess maybe I care to much or something.
123BeachFan Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 So long as either of you have any sort of romantic feelings, hurt feelings, or lingering resentment you cannot be friends. You can start a friendship back up down the road (say 6 months to 1 year or even longer) once both of you have moved on. Remaining friends in the hopes that you can reconcile never works and only prolongs your heartache. Give her space, NC, and realize that she doesn't have to be honest with you at this point (post breakup) if she's seeing someone.
Chi townD Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Why is she acting that way? Simple! She was cheating on you. If not physically, then emotionally with this other guy before cutting you loose. She doesn't want to admit that what she did was wrong and is still trying to hide if from you. It's amazing to read when people write that there Ex break up and state that they want to be single for a while, or they "want to find themselves." Then you hear that they were spotted out with someone else. When they're called on it, the usual response is, " He/she isn't the reason we broke up." Yeah....right. Go NC on her, she needs to see that you aren't at her beckoning call. You need to start to heal from this, you put it out there that you wanted to be friends, but apparently she doesn't want that. Oh well. Go NC. Her loss.
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Obviously you knew she was cheating on you. Your best bet is to maintain NC and find someone else who won't sneak around on you.
wilsonx Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 See 3 kids later, 36 years old nothing has changed from her doing it the past 13 years. You have to start listening to your gut and your instincts. You saw this happening, you know she was lying to you, you know she is seeing someone else. It doesnt matter what she tells you. You know. I tell people all the time that you need seek validation only from yourself. Your instincts/intuition are dead on. Always trust them. No matter what she tells you, you are her safety net, she's comfortable with you. You have to go NC and look at moving on. I can't even fathom a 13 year friendship because I have a hard time with just a 4 year one. But she's not really your friend, friends dont do this to friends. Friends also don't lie to friends. Good luck
flitzanu Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 heh, my ex lied to my face saying a guy was her "friend" when every single person around us she admitted and introduced him as her boyfriend. and he was far enough away that he wouldn't hear her say it to me. that's how far an ex will go to lie about another guy to you.
Author Stncldgent Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks for all the replies, I am totally going to stand firm on the NC, one to heal myself and two to show her that I refuse to be a fallback plan I really never thought she would do such a thing, I thought I knew her better but apparently that wasn't the case. She would always tell me that she hates cheaters and then she goes out and does what she said she hated the most. Like I said I still do care about her and the kiddos but I am steadfast on my intention not to be someone that she can use and throw away when she feels something better has come along. I was heartbroken, when she dumped me, I will admit I tried and tried to get her to give me a second chance. to no avail. but the more and more i add things up, I find myself getting more and more angry at her I really don't think I will ever want to break my NC with her. of course we all have our moments of weakness and I am almost sure that will happen at some point but I know that I can work through this and cut her out of my life for good.
reimeivn Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 the question is why wouldnt she? i believe that she is hurting too. she is just lucky that she has somebody with her now so she doesnt have to go through all the bull****. i think i shoudl have broken up with my ex long time ago telling him that i am the only one who is trying and that he has too many female friends on fb, each of which he treats better than he does to me. but i was busy didnt have the mind to do it. i feel like you should think this way, you are now to find another one, so that you can love her, and be with her, and fix the problem you used to not fix. and defriend female friends on fb also. Or dotn post on their fb anymore. dont ever make her feel like you have too many female friends. it means you are not loving enough, and loving them way too much.
Author Stncldgent Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 She's hurting? because she kicked me to the curb? I explained to her most of the female friends on my facebook are relatives. I do have two really good friends who I hang out with on there and she already met them and knew that we are just friends and that nothing more was going to happen. Like I said I had a crush on her for the longest time and I told almost, if not every day how beautiful I thought she was. Hell I still got butterflies talking to her up until she broke up with me. Perhaps that was too much for her....I dunno, I don't think I smothered her. which wouldn't exactly fit in with her theory of she was the only one doing all the work. I don't want to seem like i am being bitter towards her. It's just that I didn't understand why she felt the need to lie to me? not like her telling me was going to make things any worse. In fact I would have probably had more respect had she told me the truth than to fib to me. I know that she owes me nothing of the sort, but even throwing out the relationship that we had and being a friend like she wanted to remain, why lie? it gets you nowhere and eventually the lie comes out anyway, and it makes me question how good of friends we really were
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 She's hurting? because she kicked me to the curb? I explained to her most of the female friends on my facebook are relatives. I do have two really good friends who I hang out with on there and she already met them and knew that we are just friends and that nothing more was going to happen. Like I said I had a crush on her for the longest time and I told almost, if not every day how beautiful I thought she was. Hell I still got butterflies talking to her up until she broke up with me. Perhaps that was too much for her....I dunno, I don't think I smothered her. which wouldn't exactly fit in with her theory of she was the only one doing all the work. I don't want to seem like i am being bitter towards her. It's just that I didn't understand why she felt the need to lie to me? not like her telling me was going to make things any worse. In fact I would have probably had more respect had she told me the truth than to fib to me. I know that she owes me nothing of the sort, but even throwing out the relationship that we had and being a friend like she wanted to remain, why lie? it gets you nowhere and eventually the lie comes out anyway, and it makes me question how good of friends we really were Just let her go. There's a better woman out there for you.
flitzanu Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 the question is why wouldnt she? i believe that she is hurting too. she is just lucky that she has somebody with her now so she doesnt have to go through all the bull****. i think i shoudl have broken up with my ex long time ago telling him that i am the only one who is trying and that he has too many female friends on fb, each of which he treats better than he does to me. but i was busy didnt have the mind to do it. i feel like you should think this way, you are now to find another one, so that you can love her, and be with her, and fix the problem you used to not fix. and defriend female friends on fb also. Or dotn post on their fb anymore. dont ever make her feel like you have too many female friends. it means you are not loving enough, and loving them way too much. ummm.... men aren't allowed to have female friends? a female's insecurity is not something we can fix. it's total bs that women feel the need to control who men can be friends with or the number of friends. stnc can have a billion female friends on FACEBOOK but he has ONE GIRLFRIEND in REAL LIFE and she had issues with it, but her issues obviously sound like her guilty rage. she was cheating and lying and taking out her guilt on him.
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