D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I know it has to be that way after a break up in order to heal and it's often for the best. I just can't get past the fact that my ex and I haven't spoken in over 4 months. It breaks my heart every day to know we went through something so poignant, then he dumped me and we've not spoken since. The last thing he said was that it felt horrible to break up, wished me the best and said he'd miss me. That was a day or two after our break up. hose were his last words to me. I sent him an e-mail a few weeks ago- extended the invitation that if he ever wanted to meet as friends to let me know. I added that there was no need for a response, just to keep the door open if he ever wanted to meet for a coffee or anything. No response, but I didn't expect one. It just gauls me that we experienced a pregnancy and miscarriage, and then he left me, never to be heard from again. It shouldn't surprise me, because he wasn't good at talking about anything when I was pregnant. He basically just said when we first found out that he didn't want children but he'd respect and support my decision either way. I was literally at the 14 week mark and he didn't even question what I was going to do in terms of keep it or follow through- there was no support there whatsoever. He remained by my side physically- but that's it. What is going through a person's head when they experience something with someone and they walk so soon after never to be heard from again? I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it would help to know that he doesn't hate me and we could at least engage each other as two adults. The breaking up part doesn't hurt as much as the aftermath of him just walking away and pretending it never happened. Were the tables turned and someone presented me with an olive branch, I'd at least want to know that the person is doing okay after experiencing something so traumatic. I sure know how to pick them it seems...
jerbear Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Hey D-licious, Sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It is heartbreaking to know that a relationship has ended. You thought things would be different but it is not. His lack of being friends does not live up to what you expected of him. Going through a pregnancy and miscarriage will test any relationship. The relationship will never be the same. It can either be stronger or end. I know you loved him but he did not live up to your expectations. All one can do is just heal and time will solve it. I think you might have to just go out a date, even if it is just a temporary distraction.
stillafool Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 D-Lish I don't know your story about your ex; but since you said he was somewhat emotionally unavailable, maybe he is going through some changes over your breakup but doesn't know what to say to you. He probably feels somewhat like a coward and it's hard to face you.
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Hey D-licious, Sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It is heartbreaking to know that a relationship has ended. You thought things would be different but it is not. His lack of being friends does not live up to what you expected of him. Going through a pregnancy and miscarriage will test any relationship. The relationship will never be the same. It can either be stronger or end. I know you loved him but he did not live up to your expectations. All one can do is just heal and time will solve it. I think you might have to just go out a date, even if it is just a temporary distraction. I've gone on a few dates since the break up, but no one has intrigued me. Jer, I don't want to be alone for another 6 years before finding someone I connect with. I got a PM from a helpful member on here suggested avenues to meeting new people, I'm going to try some of those suggestions. I just wish my job didn't keep me so occupied that I am restricted in my social time. I have him on a pedestal, I know that. I still cling to that guy that loved me like crazy those first few months. The guy that filled his fridge with all my favorite foods, bought me a toothbrush, and filled his bathroom with bath products, shampoos and an expensive hair straightener so I could spend more time at his place. The guy that dragged an extra x-mas tree out of his parents basement and light the tree for me because I told him I loved the ambiance of christmas lights. Heck, he bought me an x-mas gift of satellite radio for my car for a year- and it's still active- he hasn't stopped payments yet. I get into my car every day wondering why my XM radio hasn't been disconnected by him. He would see pictures and furniture in my place and tell me how they would fit into his place. I don't understand what happened. The damn pregnancy ruined everything. I became a woman hopped on on hormones and admittedly became depressed and difficult to handle. I look back now and feel so much shame in what kind of needy, depressed woman I became. I spent almost 3 months agonizing over what I wanted to do about the baby. When the MC came, I believe I projected some blame on him because he didn't want the child. I want to kick myself in the aftermath. We had a good 3 months, but when the pregnancy hit and my body and hormones went whacky- he judged me on those behaviours- and those behaviours aren't who I am- but I lost him because of it.
Finch Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 It's funny how you can think you know someone so well, understand how they think and what makes them tick, only to have all that thrown into disarray when something unexpected happens. It make you question whether you really knew them as well as you thought you did. I think people have different ways of dealing with difficult things. Some will reach out to the people they are closest to in an act of mutual support, others will withdraw and only re-emerge when they've processed things in their own way, others will up and leave completely. It seems you never know which method someone is going to choose until faced head on with a problem. Trial by fire in a sense. I don't think he hates you...him saying that it felt horrible to break up seems to indicate remorse and pain. I haven't read all of your story so I can't say too much, but I wonder if, in his mind, what's done is done, and he simply doesn't want to open the door again, even in friendship? For some people, when a relationship ends (especially those that have ended with a lot of hurt on both sides) the other person comes to represent something painful that they do not want to revisit. They want them out of sight, and out of mind. It seems cruel to you, yes.....but maybe better for you in the long run, depending on how you look at it. It's very, very hard to try to work out what someone is thinking in a situation like this. All you can do is focus on your own health and work on your own happiness. (Easier said than done, I know!)
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 D-Lish I don't know your story about your ex; but since you said he was somewhat emotionally unavailable, maybe he is going through some changes over your breakup but doesn't know what to say to you. He probably feels somewhat like a coward and it's hard to face you. I'm sure he must have some guilt, and I'm sure it's easier to avoid than deal with it. I'm not over the MC, it's not the first time my body failed me, I've had 2 MC's before this one. I have always wanted kids but don't think my body is capable of sustaining a pregnancy. I'd seen a counsellor at the abortion clinic before the MC because I knew he didn't want the child and I was despondent and conflicted and wanted to explore the option having the knowledge that he didn't want children . I hadn't made up my mind yet and the clock was ticking. I really only saw the counsellor at the clinic because of his feelings. I think I made him feel really bad after the MC- probably took it out on him when I shouldn't have. It wasn't his fault my body failed me, but I think in my hormonal state I said some things that pushed him away. It's hard to deal with the fact that after the smoke has cleared and my hormones are no longer ruling my body, that he never would have seen that type of behaviour that pushed him away, because I wouldn't have been "crazy hormone girl" had that broken condom night never happened.
torn_curtain Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) Yep. That is the HARDEST part to get over. It's the 1% of me that may never get over the end of that relationship. With every other ex I've stayed friends or at least on speaking terms. Without that you sort of feel crazy, as if the whole relationship never happened because you're alone with the memories. Edited August 22, 2011 by torn_curtain
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 It's funny how you can think you know someone so well, understand how they think and what makes them tick, only to have all that thrown into disarray when something unexpected happens. It make you question whether you really knew them as well as you thought you did. I think people have different ways of dealing with difficult things. Some will reach out to the people they are closest to in an act of mutual support, others will withdraw and only re-emerge when they've processed things in their own way, others will up and leave completely. It seems you never know which method someone is going to choose until faced head on with a problem. Trial by fire in a sense. I don't think he hates you...him saying that it felt horrible to break up seems to indicate remorse and pain. I haven't read all of your story so I can't say too much, but I wonder if, in his mind, what's done is done, and he simply doesn't want to open the door again, even in friendship? For some people, when a relationship ends (especially those that have ended with a lot of hurt on both sides) the other person comes to represent something painful that they do not want to revisit. They want them out of sight, and out of mind. It seems cruel to you, yes.....but maybe better for you in the long run, depending on how you look at it. It's very, very hard to try to work out what someone is thinking in a situation like this. All you can do is focus on your own health and work on your own happiness. (Easier said than done, I know!) I believe he is that sort of guy- one that would rather bolt and forget than revisit any unpleasantness. The girl before me, he got her pregnant, she just snuck off and had an abortion and they never talked about it. I think he thought that is the norm, and all pregnant women handle things as cooly as she did. She dumped him a few months after- but he didn't see the correlation. I said to him many times (even before I got pregnant) that what she went through was a big deal and the fact that he probably never talked about it with her might have sent her packing. He didn't get or buy into that. Difference being, she was under 2 months, and I MC'd at almost 4 months. My hormones were out of control and I felt sick all the time, I was gaining weight, I was completely conflicted over whether I could follow through with something I had wanted all my life, or appease his wishes. I had a lot of resentment, sure. I fell into a black hole after I lost my business and at the same time got dumped by a very toxic man... I fell into binge drinking (in my 30's). I had never, ever been a drinker before that. And all of a sudden I found myself drinking by myself every night- I continued the secret pattern for a couple of years before hitting rock bottom and checking myself into detox. I've been alright since then, but I feel the pull again. I've resisted it. I drove past the beer store a couple of days ago and slowed down and put on my turn signal... I subsequently found some reason and didn't turn into the parking lot. I don't want to go back there, but the MC haunts me. I feel like it was my last chance to be a mom (I'm 41).
Finch Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 D - you mentioned having a previous miscarriage...I'm sure you've looked into this, but it's nothing to do with your blood type, is it? (Negative rh factor?) Anyway, you cannot blame yourself for his reaction. Hormones go all wonky bonky during pregnancy - if he couldn't handle that it isn't your fault. You were in a very difficult position and it was made more complicated by your body's physiological changes. Women are having children later and later in life. A friend of mine recently had her first children (twins) at 41, and recently had her second child at 45. If it's something you want, have you given any thought to having a child on your own via insemination? Now that I know a little more and I won't put my foot in my mouth by inviting you to explore the Ottawa bar scene with me. Though we could always drink Shirley Temples.
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 D - you mentioned having a previous miscarriage...I'm sure you've looked into this, but it's nothing to do with your blood type, is it? (Negative rh factor?) Anyway, you cannot blame yourself for his reaction. Hormones go all wonky bonky during pregnancy - if he couldn't handle that it isn't your fault. You were in a very difficult position and it was made more complicated by your body's physiological changes. Women are having children later and later in life. A friend of mine recently had her first children (twins) at 41, and recently had her second child at 45. If it's something you want, have you given any thought to having a child on your own via insemination? Now that I know a little more and I won't put my foot in my mouth by inviting you to explore the Ottawa bar scene with me. Though we could always drink Shirley Temples. I couldn't do it alone, that's my issue. We were so infatuated with one another when I got pregnant, I was so disappointed when he told me he didn't want kids and he'd support any decision I made. That's just a standard "good guy answer"... I can't have kids on my own, it's not practical:o
Dust Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I couldn't do it alone, that's my issue. We were so infatuated with one another when I got pregnant, I was so disappointed when he told me he didn't want kids and he'd support any decision I made. That's just a standard "good guy answer"... I can't have kids on my own, it's not practical:o I feel for you D-lish it pains me to hear that you’ve always wanted kids and you feel your last chance has passed you by. In the end maybe it wasn’t meant to be. If you do want kids that are biologically yours you still have a small chance. Also you are still young and you were adopted so if you meet some one which could easily happen any time now maybe you’ll end up adopting. Also you could easily meet some one and possibly have a kid. My mom naturally had my littlest bro in her mid forties naturally totally unplanned actually.
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I feel for you D-lish it pains me to hear that you’ve always wanted kids and you feel your last chance has passed you by. In the end maybe it wasn’t meant to be. If you do want kids that are biologically yours you still have a small chance. Also you are still young and you were adopted so if you meet some one which could easily happen any time now maybe you’ll end up adopting. Also you could easily meet some one and possibly have a kid. My mom naturally had my littlest bro in her mid forties naturally totally unplanned actually. Thanks Dust:love: I'm just so picky with men, that is truly is 6 years in between meeting someone I want to hang out with.
Dust Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks Dust:love: I'm just so picky with men, that is truly is 6 years in between meeting someone I want to hang out with. Just cause it took six years once doesn’t mean it will take 6 years again. Damned if I’ll let a woman I like make me wait 6 years. You need to put some hope back in your life. Don’t be a somedude. (not that you are)
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Just cause it took six years once doesn’t mean it will take 6 years again. Damned if I’ll let a woman I like make me wait 6 years. You need to put some hope back in your life. Don’t be a somedude. (not that you are) I'm not somedude, I have a whole lot of insight he'll never have, or even have the ability to have.
Dust Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I'm not somedude, I have a whole lot of insight he'll never have, or even have the ability to have. Yeah and if you don’t give up you can’t lose. As long as you believe it’s going to work out it will. Edited August 22, 2011 by Dust
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Yeah and if you don’t give up you can’t lose. As long as you believe it’s going to work out it will. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Answer me this Dust: I dated a guy that has never broken up with a woman in his life- he's stayed while being cheated on, abused, whatever- his entire life and he's 36. I went through something a bit profound with the pregnancy, and I did have emotions that I am sure he didn't like. But I am the only girl he's ever dumped. What does that say about me?
reimeivn Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 You are different from all the women he ever dated, you didnt dump him, so he had to dump you. I think thats the only way to look at it. And D-lish I think he dumped you thats his business. I dont think it has anything to do with you. Would you please not think so. I think so too and the ex made me feel like he is so popular he dumped me so that he can hang out with people and I am such a loser. That hurt me a lot. And I still know that what he does should never be any indication of who I was. He is not the only one in the world you know, I have people that love me and think I am absolutely fun to hang out with.
Am4Real Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 “D”, I see this EX is still eating away at you and I am very sorry. It’s got to be tough after all this time. I am a little miffed at you extending him the benefit of communication either responding now or in the future and sensibly it doesn’t help, but I understand how you likely mulled the decision for some time and perhaps opened a “lid of hope”. I hope you were not intending to seek him out for explanation in finding out “what may be wrong with you”. Everything I recall reading since you both went separate ways months ago has him sounding like the one in need of discovery in life and maturity. Don’t confuse the situation with yourself. Okay!? In the past I’ve encouraged you to get away, leave the city, and perhaps travel a bit. Did you ever? I’ve been off the board for sometime however returning and reading this particular thread rings familiar with many older writings of yours about the commitment needed at work. Is there any way to temporarily break that cycle and catch some away time somewhere else where meeting new people and experiencing new things might uncloud the mind and de-clutter the heart, thereby breaking your current routine? Just a thought – even if repetitive – you know my heart always goes out to you! PM me if you’re up to it. Am4Real
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 “D”, I see this EX is still eating away at you and I am very sorry. It’s got to be tough after all this time. I am a little miffed at you extending him the benefit of communication either responding now or in the future and sensibly it doesn’t help, but I understand how you likely mulled the decision for some time and perhaps opened a “lid of hope”. I hope you were not intending to seek him out for explanation in finding out “what may be wrong with you”. Everything I recall reading since you both went separate ways months ago has him sounding like the one in need of discovery in life and maturity. Don’t confuse the situation with yourself. Okay!? In the past I’ve encouraged you to get away, leave the city, and perhaps travel a bit. Did you ever? I’ve been off the board for sometime however returning and reading this particular thread rings familiar with many older writings of yours about the commitment needed at work. Is there any way to temporarily break that cycle and catch some away time somewhere else where meeting new people and experiencing new things might uncloud the mind and de-clutter the heart, thereby breaking your current routine? Just a thought – even if repetitive – you know my heart always goes out to you! PM me if you’re up to it. Am4Real I have the dogs AM. I love them like crazy, but they limit my mobility. Had my exH and I never purchased the dogs, I would be living on another continent or in another province at the very least. I can't tell you how badly I want to pick up and leave- I wanted to do that 10 years ago. I have dogs, that's the reality, I can't dive into the unknown because I have 2 furry creatures to take care of- and that includes keeping a job that pays their vet bills (one that recently approached $1000). I can't tell you how badly I want to pick up and leave, but it's difficult with dogs.
Star Gazer Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Answer me this Dust: I dated a guy that has never broken up with a woman in his life- he's stayed while being cheated on, abused, whatever- his entire life and he's 36. I went through something a bit profound with the pregnancy, and I did have emotions that I am sure he didn't like. But I am the only girl he's ever dumped. What does that say about me? It says nothing about you, and everything about him. He's not capable of being in a real relationship. You are. (((HUG)))
Author D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 It says nothing about you, and everything about him. He's not capable of being in a real relationship. You are. (((HUG))) I hope I am Star. I'm so sick of crying.
Dust Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Answer me this Dust: I dated a guy that has never broken up with a woman in his life- he's stayed while being cheated on, abused, whatever- his entire life and he's 36. I went through something a bit profound with the pregnancy, and I did have emotions that I am sure he didn't like. But I am the only girl he's ever dumped. What does that say about me? It says nothing about you. He acted like a dick. He probably enjoys being cheated on the same way some women enjoy dangerous men who push them around. You’re a smart caring woman any one would be lucky to impregnate a babe like you. Now snap out of it already. Lol. Look go NC like we always tell people. When you wrote that note to him a few weeks ago your NC process started all over again sorta. So try to stop thinking about him for a few months then once you heal you can put this all in context.
Star Gazer Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I hope I am Star. I'm so sick of crying. Of course you are!! And I wish I had a way to stop your tears...
torn_curtain Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I hope I am Star. I'm so sick of crying. ((((D-Lish))))) I know exactly what you're going through and it's torture because you don't know if it will ever end. It will...
wilsonx Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 It says nothing about you. He acted like a dick. He probably enjoys being cheated on the same way some women enjoy dangerous men who push them around. You’re a smart caring woman any one would be lucky to impregnate a babe like you. Now snap out of it already. Lol. Look go NC like we always tell people. When you wrote that note to him a few weeks ago your NC process started all over again sorta. So try to stop thinking about him for a few months then once you heal you can put this all in context. No guy enjoys being cheated on. There comes a point in time where a guy does have to end the relationship for the first time. I am not defending is actions in any way and I am going to actually play a little devil's advocate in this thread and I really want people to stop and think before the criticize this post. This is another pattern I have picked up from what people type in the forums, what my friends have told me, my own experiences and from my roommates actions. I remember D-lish posting about this guy and that he was a terrible boyfriend, she even commented on all his red flags in previous posts. She knows with her head that this guy was not the best boyfriend material, this is her heart speaking now. This is her missing something that is bad and we all do it, myself included. I saw a post a couple days ago where this guy did not want kids, did not want to get married so after 3 years his girlfriend left him. He broke NC to tell her that he's willing to get married and have one kid (He's changing who he is what he wants because of her absence instead of sticking to his personal boundaries of not wanting to get married and not wanting another kid). What he does not understand and thank god she didn't agree to his terms is that he would have later resented her for making him do these things and that relationship would have ended down the road. Another example, my roommate's most recent relationship ended. He told me how it began. He didn't want to get married, he wasn't interested in dating the girl. He was just hooking up with her. She told him she loved him, he told her he wasn't ready yet. A few months later she left to go on a vacation for a month and he was still hurting from his divorce and for the first time he missed her. He knew he did not love her and wasn't ready to be in a relationship but she was gone for such a long period of time, he had become co dependent on her love to heal and started to miss her and confused it as love. The relationship ended 3 years later because he still wasn't ready to get married and that's what she wanted. After the relationship ended, his mind changed on the marriage thing. He was now ready to get married. People are willing to break their own personal boundaries and hurt themselves even more for something that was not going to work in the first place. My relationship was a prime example of this as well.
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