JohnEl Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 This has been the worst day since we broke up. Ive been crying all day and just can't stop thinking about her. It's been 6 weeks since the break up and 9 days of NC. I miss her so much. I keep thinking that she will come back eventually. Like if I give her time away and NC will make her miss me. But that's not true. She's not coming back. She does not want to be with me. I love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do without her. This is horrible. Try to stay busy, went to gym and played basketball but all I did was think about her. Can't stop thinking bout her.
smudge21 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You had a rough day - we all have them. They come and go, but eventually they just go. Okay, she hasn't come running back but that's not to say she won't. Mine took 4 months. But you can't focus on that, only focus on yourself and whatever it takes to make you feel better. You will feel better, but this is something so important and the fix was never going to be easy. Just accept that you will have ups and downs, but one day, things will be better. Stay strong, don't give up and just know that at some point you will love again, and this, all this sh*t, all this pain, everything we all go through, will be a thing of the past. It will be an experience. Something learn from. I can garauntee it!
Dblock10 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 sucks dont it. you will become a better person. just take comfort in that please. no man needs a girl to be himself. having a girl in your life is a nice thing to have, not a necessity
Rory12345 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 See it as a roller coaster. Some days will be up and others down. Take each day as it comes. You'll feel bad but remember she's not worth it. These days will make you a stronger person. Post on here, vent, just do anything to get it off your mind. I find it's always good to go on a run when I feel down, cheers me up no end. Stay safe.
Author JohnEl Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 This is an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know how I can move on in life without her. She is family to me. We were so close and know everything about eachother. Plans to get married and have a family. And she threw it all away. She once told my friend that she would kill herself if we ever broke up. She was so madly in love with me and changed in a matter of weeks. I can't believe she is actually gone. I can't accept it for some reason. I really feel like she's gonna come back but I know she won't. Theres no way she wants to come back.
Dblock10 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 well dude, not being funny but you really dont know anything, she could get cancer... she could come back to you.. you just dont know. live your life like she isnt coming back and move on, or at least try. i told myself id never meet someone as good as my ex whom i was with for 3.5 years and so stopped looking. eventually the pain went away and i started dating, having a few flings here and there, eventually i met my current ex and it was unreal! yeah its sad its ended now, but all good things come to an end. its life. you have to accept it. relationships are not all cracked up to what there meant to be. there are more important things in life to self fulfilment, and making yourself happy independent of anyone is crucial. even when you meet your life time partner one day you will die one day she will die, thus you cannot keep anything forever. you must be realistic now and realise if it stays this way between you and her at least you found out she could drop all the things she said to you. how would you feel if you did marry her, you did have children, then she goes and leaves u... the glass is half full not half empty
california15 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 We've all been there! Some of us are there right now. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. They suck. Real bad. We all know. but with the bad days come the good days. Pretty soon the bad days will become farther and farther apart, and the roller coaster ride will become more flat... with less ups and downs. Its okay to get upset. You wouldn't get upset if you didn't care. Its gunna hurt for a while and grieving is expected. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself feel the emotions and don't rush it. Direction is more important than speed. Sorry your day sucks but it won't last forever. Promise.
stronganyway Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I'm so sorry. I know your pain all too well. I realized there is a time for grieveing...and it's hard to find this dividing line, but there is also a time when we are holding on because we are so scared of our lives without that person. It is hard as h-e- double hockey sticks. My guy broke up with me, and I went back to him-- agreed to an "open relationship" even though I didn't want to...it was the only way I could 'have him' again. A year later, he is telling me he loves me all the time, all KINDS of things like that....then I find out he has been with this other woman for a year AND being with both of us at the SAME time, even in the same week!! IT makes me sick that I let my boundries go and got hurt so badly. Don't let go of your boundries and respect hers because she Is NOT the one for you. The one will come along who will not leave you. It's good you played basketball, keep being active....it will get better, I swear it will.
Author JohnEl Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I'm trying to stay positive and trying to understand that it's a rollercoaster. My emotions change every minute. I'm sad angry jealous scared and a millions other feelings all at once. One thing that is constant is that I want her back. She's everything to me. I have no idea how I can move on without her. It all happened so fast. One day, she wanted to marry me, the next day she wants nothing to do with me. I just dont understand it. She told me why she wanted to break up but i still dont understad we had so much going for us. We had some major plans for our future and it all went away overnight. There is nothing I want more than to be with her. I'm hurting so much right now. It's killing me! I trying to give it time but it's getting worse so far. I miss her more and more everyday.
D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I'm trying to stay positive and trying to understand that it's a rollercoaster. My emotions change every minute. I'm sad angry jealous scared and a millions other feelings all at once. One thing that is constant is that I want her back. She's everything to me. I have no idea how I can move on without her. It all happened so fast. One day, she wanted to marry me, the next day she wants nothing to do with me. I just dont understand it. She told me why she wanted to break up but i still dont understad we had so much going for us. We had some major plans for our future and it all went away overnight. There is nothing I want more than to be with her. I'm hurting so much right now. It's killing me! I trying to give it time but it's getting worse so far. I miss her more and more everyday. John, my ex was talking about moving in together 2 months before we broke up- he was assessing how my furniture would fit into his apartment- then things started to go south from there. Sometimes things just don't make sense- and it's futile to try and look back and blame yourself, or fantasize about how you could have fixed things to avoid the outcome that you are now faced with. At 4 months out I am still pretty messed up, but I can function much better than I did 4 months ago. It's a process that just gets better with time. I remember just wanting to jump ahead a year so I didn't have to process any of the pain. Someday you will find someone that will make you forget all others- she's out there and you'll find that love again. For now- take it one day at a time and just keep doing what you're doing- NC, hanging with friends, immersing yourself in your work. Most of us understand what you're going through because we've been there and we are all at different stages of our of break ups. Before you know it you'll be posting advice to others freshly dumped and still in the despair stage- passing on your own experience and offering your wisdom. Hang in there John, there are better days ahead. You just have to wade through the sh&t first before you can fully heal.
Author JohnEl Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 hope tomorrow is better. i hope i can sleep tonight too. what a horrible day. ive been thinking of reasons why shes gonna come back and i know i shouldnt do that but i cant help it. it makes me feel better for just a minute. but then i think of reasons why she wont come back and it makes me feel horrible. i just dont understand this whole thing. i dont understand why this had to happen. she gave up on me. she bailed. she really thinks that she had to do this, for some reason, she really feels like it isnt going to work with me and her. i dont get how she can fall out of love with me so quickly. i didnt do anything to make her not love me. we had some arguments but nothing too bad for this to happen. she gave up. but she thinks that shes making the right choice here. i hope that she will eventually realize that we should have made it work bc it is worth it. but i hear shes happy and doesnt think about me and her together anymore. shes completley moved on and is happy. just doesnt make sense.
D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 hope tomorrow is better. i hope i can sleep tonight too. what a horrible day. ive been thinking of reasons why shes gonna come back and i know i shouldnt do that but i cant help it. it makes me feel better for just a minute. but then i think of reasons why she wont come back and it makes me feel horrible. i just dont understand this whole thing. i dont understand why this had to happen. she gave up on me. she bailed. she really thinks that she had to do this, for some reason, she really feels like it isnt going to work with me and her. i dont get how she can fall out of love with me so quickly. i didnt do anything to make her not love me. we had some arguments but nothing too bad for this to happen. she gave up. but she thinks that shes making the right choice here. i hope that she will eventually realize that we should have made it work bc it is worth it. but i hear shes happy and doesnt think about me and her together anymore. shes completley moved on and is happy. just doesnt make sense. Well you don't realize it now, but at some point you will be posting here that she was a "bitch" and don't know what you saw in her- I guarantee it. You're desperate right now, needing answers, a quick fix, clinging to hope. It gets better, the pain eases, life moves forward. Set a goal for yourself to get through the next month- because it's the first month to 2 months that is the hardest. We're here for you, so keep posting.
D-Lish Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I forgot to mention- have you talked to your Dr.? The worst barrier to my healing was not being able to sleep- I just couldn't sleep. As soon as I got on meds for sleeping, it at least gave me some respite from agonizing 24/7. I am talking having 3-4 hours of broken sleep, that's the best I was able to get. Sleep is soooo important- you have to get it. If you need a little help to push you through, take it.
lymtal1 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 John, I am with you on this brother. For me it is going on three months and I keep going over the break-up over and over again in my head. It feels like a 24/7 thing and I can't make it stop. Went to the movies today just to try and give my brain a respite but to no avail, I sat in that theatre and though about the what if's till I couldn't deal with it and walked out. Really sucks. I think we have to get to a point where we realize there is nothing that we can do at this point and have to accept it is what it is. Doesn't make it easy but going on like we seem to be doing is not putting us in a healthy situation. We have to start looking at it from the perspective that no matter what we think nothing is going to change so why should we expebd soo much time on something we can't influence. Continuing to beat our head on the wall does nothing more than hurt our head. We may never know all the reasons that what has happened to us has happened. We may never get the true reasons that it happened the way it did. We may could have done everything perfect and no matter we would still have had the same outcome. You have to let this go as logically you know deep down there is nothing at this point that you can do to fix it. Yea I know that is big talk coming from someone that can't focus for two hours but rationally I know that this is what has to be done and so do you. The bottom line is we have no control over what has happened and this puts us in a very vulnerable place. What we can control is how we move forward. How long should we stay like this? Can you see yourself feeling like this for months or years? It is possible as we know from some of the great peolpe on here. We have to learn from them that that is not where we want to be in our lives. So what can we do? I think we have to realize that life must go on for all of us. We have a long life ahead of us and I am really getting tired of giving her so much of my power. She is ruling my every waking thought. I used to be a very strong person, I am sure you were the same. I think back to two and a half years ago before I knew her. I had a great job and people looked to me for guidance and I felt like I was so strong then. I now feel like I am totally lost in life and it is completely attributed to the break-up. I can rationalize in my brain that the person/relationship was not good for me. But my heart is broken and can't get past that. I also realize at times when I force myself to think about this that maybe I am not really missing the person but the fact that I am alone for the first time in twenty years. Could that be what you are missing? I have done my person and relationship inventory and when I look at all the bad stuff it outweights the good by so much I know that it was wrong for me. So that gets me to the point that maybe I am hurting about my ego and self-esteem being trampled more than really missing this person. Any thoughts about that? Could you be hurting for what she did to you from that perspective actually knowing the relationship was bad but you got run over and that is what is killing you? If you are honest with yourself do you think she was the end all and that you were both so happy that this would have lasted forever? I know it was not that way for me. Just four months ago I was trying to figure out how I could break up with her in a way not to hurt her as I knew that she was wrong for me. But I had no guts and took the easy way out by doing nothing and got blindsided. Now for me it is the suggestion that you take a realistic view of what you guys had and try and put in perspective how great was it really. Did you deep down in your heart feel like she was the one? Or did you determine this after she left you? I know that is the case for me, she was not the end all be all. Still driving myself crazy, but maybe it is because she did what I need to do first and I could not. So I am trampled and my ego has a gaping hole in it. Cab you relate at all? I never have a good day now. My brain plays the movie over and over and won't stop even though I know she was not right for me. At some point we are going to have to get our brain and our heart in the same logical place and only then will we be able to move on. But how long should we wait to get there? My thought is as long as it takes but hopefully sooner than later. Keep telling yourself that you know it is over, as I keep seeing you say this and you know that she is not coming back. I know it is the same here. But for some reason I have this .001% hope because she told a friend that she was not sure what would happen down the road. So that little hope is paralyzing us and we need to let that go. Where do find your hope? That is what is keeping us from letting go? Have to let go of hope as it is the worst thing we can have. Easier said than done but it is what keeps us where we are. I hope you can come to a better place with this as I see myself in all of your posts and I really feel your pain and suffering. The only thing I keep telling myself is that I know that this will end at some point as there is no other option. When we get over the heartbreak we will be stronger on an exponential level and no matter what relatiohship we get in down the road, and we will, we will never let ourselves get into this same situation again. We will have learned many ultimate lessons. The biggest will be how strong we really are, and since we are, when will we start taking advantage of that quality? I think now is the time. I am tired of being weak. Have been for too many months and I am a very strong person who has let this bring me to my knees. I know you are strong as well. Time to stand up and be strong in the face of this. This is when we learn who we are and what we are made of.
reimeivn Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I feel like the healing period can be something nice. Me I look back often and I am so proud of myself. I know it hurts, it hurts me, everybody is talking about it. But it is such a precious time period in your life though. I dont think anybody has seriously mentioned it. But during this time you meet new people, and you overcome such great pains in your life, and you learn about things. It just doesnt happen everyday you know. By the way normally whenever I have such a bad time I shut down and re-evaluate what I have, and what I dont have, so I lowered my expectation for other and higher the expectation for myself. I cared about what matters only and I achieve great things afterward.
sadvenus Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I feel the same way too. It has been 2 months and i still feel the pain. I still can't stop thinking about him. Some days are good, some days are really bad. All I can do is take one step at a time. Move forward and believe that everything will get better in time.
lucylou71 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Well, I guess I'm part of a club I never thought I would be part of. Like many of you I thought I had a faithful spouse that would never cheat,much less leave me for the other woman. June 30th I discovered my husband was cheating with a coworker,and after telling me he was breaking it off, I discovered July 30th,he had not. He sat me down and told me he no longer wanted to be married to me, no longer wanted to listen to me and work it out and because of our financial problems,no longer wanted to be in debt. He told me he was in love with this other woman and that this relationship had been going on since last fall,and just became sexual early this year. Was I totally blindsided?? Yep. I was aware that times were rough because of finances,but we had problems before,and worked them out. We've been married 12yrs and together as a couple for 18. Devastated is an understatement. He left and is living with his mother. All I could do these last two weeks is sit in this house alone and go over and over in my mind where did it all go wrong. At what point did he decide that he no longer loved me ,and that being with someone else was the right path for him. All I can do is blame myself,and ask myself,was I really that much of a bitch? All through the years,I never looked at another man. Never would I do this to another human being. My mother died 3 yrs ago,this hurts so much more. When someone dies it's not their choice to leave you. It's so painful when someone you love makes that choice.
D-Lish Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Well, I guess I'm part of a club I never thought I would be part of. Like many of you I thought I had a faithful spouse that would never cheat,much less leave me for the other woman. June 30th I discovered my husband was cheating with a coworker,and after telling me he was breaking it off, I discovered July 30th,he had not. He sat me down and told me he no longer wanted to be married to me, no longer wanted to listen to me and work it out and because of our financial problems,no longer wanted to be in debt. He told me he was in love with this other woman and that this relationship had been going on since last fall,and just became sexual early this year. Was I totally blindsided?? Yep. I was aware that times were rough because of finances,but we had problems before,and worked them out. We've been married 12yrs and together as a couple for 18. Devastated is an understatement. He left and is living with his mother. All I could do these last two weeks is sit in this house alone and go over and over in my mind where did it all go wrong. At what point did he decide that he no longer loved me ,and that being with someone else was the right path for him. All I can do is blame myself,and ask myself,was I really that much of a bitch? All through the years,I never looked at another man. Never would I do this to another human being. My mother died 3 yrs ago,this hurts so much more. When someone dies it's not their choice to leave you. It's so painful when someone you love makes that choice. So true- when someone you love gets to know you in the deepest of ways, yet makes the choice to leave you- it's almost worse than grieving over the death of someone close to you. Rejection can be a much worse demon to recover from than death sometimes- because that person is still alive, walking about living their life after having made the choice to abandon you. It's a tough pill to swallow.
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