joeyanna Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I have a dilemma that I need help with. I've been in contact with this guy for about 6 weeks after he emailed me on a dating website, we've been texting every day since then and he's called me a couple of times but after a couple of misunderstandings he said that he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with me as we both analyse things too much and it would cause too much stress and anguish but he was happy to remain friends, as was I. Anyway last Wednesday he sent me a couple of texts hinting that we could meet for a coffee which I was very happy to do, he texted me again all day Thursday, on Friday I sent him the usual good morning message wishing him a good day to which he didn't respond, which is nothing unusual, he works shifts, anyway approximately 2:45 in the afternoon he texted to tell me he'd just done a skydive and spent the next three hours texting back and forth about his day and my day etc. Friday night I texted him goodnight but again no response but when I woke up on Saturday morning he'd texted wishing me good day to which I replied. Saturday night I texted good night as I always do and said I'd missed hearing from him, he didn't answer. This morning (Sunday) I texted good morning, wished him a lovely day and said 'text if you get the chance', would be nice to hear from you' and thought it was obvious that it also meant but if you don't get the chance then don't worry. Three hours later he responded, firstly he opened the text with my name which he only ever does if I've done something wrong and the wrote 'I feel like I HAVE to text you everyday, please don't pressure me to replying to your texts'. I wasn't aware I have been pressuring him, I thought that I was just being friendly!? I replied and said that I was a little confused by his text and that sometimes he's very flirty with me and about him hinting that we meet, then suddenly, out of no where he tells me I'm pressuring him, I said that I was sorry if that's how he interpreted my message but that's not how it was intended and that it's very easy to misinterpret texts and emails which is why I keep saying that I'm not going to conduct friendships/relationships that way but then keep falling into the same old pattern. So far I have heard nothing and I don't know what to do. Obviously I'm going to leave it there, if I start texting then he'll think I'm pressuring him more but I just don't know where it came from? Help! Thank you in advance for reading and any advice would be gratefully received.
LoveandSuch Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Yes men and women can feel pressure by too much contact, however, I always keep this in mind for myself so I do not waste my energy. A guy is going to contact you and overlook these issues if he really really likes you.
startingoverat30 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 unfortunatly, guys think so differently than us. they are just wired different. Guys just dont text as much as girls. We keep our phones on us at all times and are quick repliers! Guys also like to do the chasing...to pursue you. I have a hard time with this myself...but if you can keep from texting a guy and coming on to strong, then they usually respond better.
Author joeyanna Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Firstly, thank you both for answering! What I don't understand is that it seems to have come totally from left field, things were ok then suddenly he feels pressured? Don't get it?
TuffCookieX Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Firstly, thank you both for answering! What I don't understand is that it seems to have come totally from left field, things were ok then suddenly he feels pressured? Don't get it? Bottom line is, men suck. They will suddenly decide they don't like something about a girl and not bring it up, they will just pull out the silent treatment. The other responders were correct, men like to do the pursuing and they aren't texters like we are.
motive2002 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Everyone's level of "pressure" is different. If he's really into you a lot, he can't wait for the next text message to appear. If he's already stated he isn't interested in anything more than friends, the constant attention would probably be off-putting.
Holt Driver Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Whether men and women are "wired differently" or not, his behavior does seem odd. You haven't even met yet, exchanging only a series of fairly shallow text messages, and he's already feeling overwhelmed. This is not a good sign. Keep your expectations in check and proceed with caution. My two cents.
Author joeyanna Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I wouldn't say texting someone once or twice a day was constant attention considering the fact that we have three/four or more hours texting sessions? Anyway, I'm going to leave things as they are, he knows where I am if he wants to text and if not then so be it!
Author joeyanna Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Whether men and women are "wired differently" or not, his behavior does seem odd. You haven't even met yet, exchanging only a series of fairly shallow text messages, and he's already feeling overwhelmed. This is not a good sign. Keep your expectations in check and proceed with caution. My two cents. Our texts (and telephone conversations) are anything but shallow but I appreciate what you're saying so thank you!
sugarmomma Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You were pretty much doing the 'chasing' and men don't like that. I allow my bf to do most of the texting/calling even though it kills me cause I want to hear from him. Its just the way it is. Let him pursue you if that's what he wants but you don't give him a chance to.
simpsonic Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think all those texts you were sending him (especially the "good morning" and "good night" texts) were sending a relationship-y vibe to him, when he told you that he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with you. Maybe he was feeling pressured the whole time, and he couldn't refrain from telling you anymore so he suddenly called you out on it. As for the three hour texting sessions, he probably just liked the attention...doesn't mean he wants anything serious (especially since he already made that clear). He seems to wants to communicate on his own terms.
Author joeyanna Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I think all those texts you were sending him (especially the "good morning" and "good night" texts) were sending a relationship-y vibe to him, when he told you that he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with you. Maybe he was feeling pressured the whole time, and he couldn't refrain from telling you anymore so he suddenly called you out on it. As for the three hour texting sessions, he probably just liked the attention...doesn't mean he wants anything serious (especially since he already made that clear). He seems to wants to communicate on his own terms. He send those texts to me too - Saturday morning he texted me first by saying 'Have a great day while the sun is shining', And why say 'I might finally have to meet you for a coffee' on Wednesday? I'm just so confused!!
thatone Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 unfortunatly, guys think so differently than us. they are just wired different. Guys just dont text as much as girls. We keep our phones on us at all times and are quick repliers! Guys also like to do the chasing...to pursue you. I have a hard time with this myself...but if you can keep from texting a guy and coming on to strong, then they usually respond better. it's not that simple, it's completely dependent on the individual. the only time i miss a text or call is if i'm truly busy. i always answer right away.
Author joeyanna Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Update, he still hasn't been in touch, this doesn't bode well!
Badenov Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Simply put: you're being too intense, over-analyzing & being dramatic. He wants things to be casual & let nature take its course. Essentially, you're telling him you're worried where this is going, & he's telling you to chill.
Author joeyanna Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Simply put: you're being too intense, over-analyzing & being dramatic. He wants things to be casual & let nature take its course. Essentially, you're telling him you're worried where this is going, & he's telling you to chill. Thank you so much for your post, when I thought about it that's exactly what I've been doing, its so hard not too but I know I'm going to have to change my behaviour, just don't know how! : (
Author joeyanna Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Update - we talked last night and he says he needs space so we're not going to contact each other for a couple of weeks and see how things are for us both then. Think I've massively blown our friendship and feel very sad about that.
thatone Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 there's more to the story that you never heard, i'll bet. it would have been simple enough for him to call and say he doesn't like to text, and arrange good times to call each other. but he didn't do that, he ignored you. let it go, it's not your fault, there's no way to know how people prefer to communicate without telling the other person. simply ignoring the other person is rude, and if he's rude about that he'll be rude about something else.
Author joeyanna Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 there's more to the story that you never heard, i'll bet. it would have been simple enough for him to call and say he doesn't like to text, and arrange good times to call each other. but he didn't do that, he ignored you. let it go, it's not your fault, there's no way to know how people prefer to communicate without telling the other person. simply ignoring the other person is rude, and if he's rude about that he'll be rude about something else. Thanks for your reply Neal. We spoke for 30 minutes last night and after much talking about him feeling overwhelmed by the content of my texts and unable to cope with life in general at the moment. Firstly he said that he thought we shouldn't contact each other any more then he said maybe we should leave it a week or two then get in touch and see how things are for both of us. He admitted that he'd sent mixed messages and that one minute he wants one thing, the next he wants another and that he's probably being over sensitive about things, I just hope that after a couple of weeks we can re-establish a friendship! He has been honest with me which is quite refreshing and it's be a shame to fall out over this. Wish things weren't so complicated.
Author joeyanna Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Try to call him. Hey Dave He did call, see above message! Thanks Jo
logano Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 You didn't do anything wrong. He felt pressure when you texted 'text if you get the chance'. You want more from him and he senses this and that freaks him out. The problem is that he's immature, he needs to grow up (he sounds like he's 16). Part of him wants more with you, but that is the very thing that scares him. The child in him (which is winning) is totally freaked out by you because you like him. Man, he needs to grow up. I'd advise you to stop communication with him altogether. It's gonna be hard as hell, so keep yourself busy!! But at the end of the day, you aren't getting what you want from him. And you're setting yourself up to be hurt by this guy. Treat yourself better and you'll attract men who will treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. Good luck!
Author joeyanna Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 You didn't do anything wrong. He felt pressure when you texted 'text if you get the chance'. You want more from him and he senses this and that freaks him out. The problem is that he's immature, he needs to grow up (he sounds like he's 16). Part of him wants more with you, but that is the very thing that scares him. The child in him (which is winning) is totally freaked out by you because you like him. Man, he needs to grow up. I'd advise you to stop communication with him altogether. It's gonna be hard as hell, so keep yourself busy!! But at the end of the day, you aren't getting what you want from him. And you're setting yourself up to be hurt by this guy. Treat yourself better and you'll attract men who will treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. Good luck! Thanks logano I'm sure you're right. We agreed not to get in touch for a week or so and then we have to be totally honest about what's going on so will have to wait and see. You're right, it is going to be hard, you're also right when you say I'm going to get hurt. Going to have some me time. get to know myself better and treat myself with the same respect that I treat others.
Author joeyanna Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Feeling pretty down about the whole thing. Its so hard not being able to get in touch and I'm so worried about what will happen when the few days are up. I don't want to lose this guys friendship but scared I've totally blown it. Maybe if I gear myself up for the worst case scenario I won't fall too hard if he decides we can't be mates.
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