My miserable sad life

[esteem-jam]

I noticed this girl in school when I was 13 years old. For me it was love on first sight. I did not know her name, but eventually I found out. She was in another class. Eventually I found out her name, because I got an anonymous Christmas letter. In the letter it was written that I was cute (stress on the cute, but about it below), some wishes and her initials at end. I was kind of shocked, because to get a letter from someone I secretly fell in love with was... incredible.

I didnt make any moves, because what can you do at 13, youre just a child.

I was still learning at this school, and she was too.

That was the time when my life went on a dark path. As a teen I started to get acne, heavy acne, most severe acne case in my school, and developing scars. Of course I still had the girl in my mind, but something kind of shaked... I wasnt that cute with acne anymore, and I think I thought I wasnt any good for this girl anymore, who said in a letter that I was cute. I think the girl noticed my newly problems and eye-contacting became kind of awkward. So elementary school ended and I kept going same school for secondary education, the girl left for some other place then (capital, I guess). I thought it was a blessing, because I could not stand her seeing me in this condition, and there was a chance she could end up in my class, which would mean even more hell.

I finished the school here nevertheless, although I missed out for days and sometimes weeks because of shame of my looks. My face just kept on being cyst infected meadow. Being poor and ignorant parents didnt help this at all, I was suicidal and did attempot suicide, but woke up next day.

I entered a university in another city, was pretty much the same torture, after 2 and half years I dropped out. Came home, it was 2005. Relationship with my mom wasnt going good, she blamed me much and I refused to talk with her. She put me in psychiatric clinic against my will. That move was hell. I was there for 1 month, but it hurt like a cut knowing my parents can drop me off like that in distant place where there are bars on windows and forced to drink unknown pills.

I signed to unemployment bureau and was doing some classes, but to my mom it seemed that something is wrong still and she put me in same clinic again, 1 month in 2006. From 2005 till now the computer is my main escape. The few friends I had in school in this town- all have moved to capital to stody and eventually work and make their lives.

It was last year in spring, I was wandering around the town and saw the Girl from school pass me in the mall. She havent changed a bit, just became better, but me... decade of acne didnt do me any good, scarred face and ongoing acne still... Needless to say, I could not sleep that night, thinking what, why, and what if. Now as Im writing this, I think I had a pretty good time prior to that day. So I saw her, and I decided I need to make a move. I went to the mall the next day, guessing she probably works there, and I was right, but it ended super awakward, there was her coworker, which looked like a b****, I did not make any eye contact with the girl.

So I calmed for a while until I got the idea to maybe message her on facebook (its not facebook to be honest, but other social network).

So I wrote to her and tried to charm to the best of my abilities, awaking the poet in me. Everything was beyond blue. I did not have a profile picture nor any added friends. I must make a step back here saying I once sent her awkward line some years ago (to which she replied with a questionmark), I think it was 2006 or so, and I visited her profile some time prior to this, maybe 2009... to put it short and honest, was kind of stalking online, I had one of her pictures on my PC. So she didnt know who it was messaging her, she asked if I was that guy that day, I said yes. I asked for her work hours and she said so and so. The day I decided to visit her I bought flowers and waited until she came in the morning. Everything was you know which color. So I gave her the flowers, but couldnt look her good in the eyes, because that was the first time she saw me that close (my acne/scar covered face) and that was the first time we spoke. I asked something about her work. The conversation was no longer than 3 minutes, I was content on leaving.

She thanked me for the flowers online. The next day which was saturday I asked if she was free, she said shes out of town and busy. I told when shes free she should message me (not sure of should/could, just "message when you will be free"). A week passed without any messages, also somewhere during that week she removed her profile picture. She messaged me after one week saying *youre really great guy, but the things I am feeling I will keep to myself*.

So it ended for a while, but I wanted to ask her about that letter in school, if it was her that sent it. So I messaged her out of the blue about month later. Said she knows nothing about that letter and we concluded it was a rude joke from one of my classmates. The conversation went on flowing and was reinforced with second life, at peak being somewhere 10 letters forth and back a day. She said that maybe shes imagining things and everything not as bad as it seems (I guess this being hint on my face condition, social anxiety and etc, just a hint). She proposed we could meet by me visiting her at the mall. So I did visit the store again. I bought some stuff, but there was no big conversation, my visit lasting not more than 5 minutes. I went on a time when my acne was at that summers peak, and I must say that this time she looked really classy and glam. The online conversation kind of calmed down, she inquired why I was so untalkative at the store. I said I needed something else in the store and I visited it about a week later. Nothing much of a conversation, she looked very classy, while me looking like me. About a week later she hinted that we should quit this and she is content on removing her facebook profile (not fb as I said, but anyway), asked why I havent tried for a job in capital, that I am unhappy just like her previous BF and that in real life it will never be as good as our online conversations. She said that her feelings are a natural counter-response, so I stopped messaging her, sensing that she has enough of me pushing and pushing.

This wasnt the end, cause her birthday was coming up and I messaged her on FB saying that Ill visit her on day XY. She didnt reply. I met her during this period 2 times on the street, it was kind of short, something like 2-3 minutes again. I visited her on her BD, sort of gave a present, which was super awkward, but I decided not to step back once as I was there. She kept away and let her co-workers up front. I tried to reach for an eye contact and I will never forget that expression and mimic on her face, which basically said "yeah, you have nothing here boy, the train has left". After some 4-5 days I messaged her on FB.

So this was the final conversation we had, she said "I have one request for you, if you can, please fulfill it: Dont think of me so much!" Notice the semicolon and exclamation mark at the end? Because FB has no underline or bold formatting feature. I replied "I will try."

 

This was last year in fall. So I havent had anything with her anymore. I removed my FB profile, I avoided parts of the town I could meet her, and avoided events. I havent been in that mall since. Basically I kind of feel like a monster. I think I was largely played by prejudice and stigma that accompasses someone whos face reminds... I dont know, a rat. I think she concluded that Im violent maniac stalker. I am very not sure, but I think she could of chagned her job, as I said I avoided some parts of town, but I have seen her car around and by glimpse I think I seen her in another place, only 40 % sure, but this leaves me with even less territory. Its 1.5 months short of 1 year NC, but Im replaying this situation in my head every day.

 

Im not sure what Im asking from you, all opinions are welcome, as harsh as they might be. If i had the resources to leave this town I would, with joy.