How to deal with the Breakup mixed emotions

[LoveHurts88]

Hey all I am new to this forum and I've been trying to deal with this breakup and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am getting mixed emotions.

 

We have been dating for a year now and she finally broke it off. She does not like arguments however we do argue but they are very minor things. When we got into arguments I just recently found out who would go to this guy and tell him our problems and I never knew about this guy. Although she said he was just a friend before. Now she is seeing him. I've asked her if she likes him she says she doesn't know and he was not the reason why we broke up. I am getting mixed emotions because a part of me thinks she still likes me and whats to get back together but she wants to give that a guy a try as well and just wants me to hold on.. She has told me to move on however when I ask her if she misses me and what we had because I pretty much moved in with her she says yes and she always says I don't want to get your hopes up. We broke up a week or so ago for good but I still went out with her during this time etc and it seemed like she had a lot of fun however she still chose him over me.

 

One night at 4 am she decided to call me because she couldn't sleep due to caffeine. We talked till 7 am I told her stories like before and she eventually fell asleep. I asked her the next day how come you called me and not him. She said i didn't feel like talking to anyone else and she said sorry she won't do it again. I asked her if she made the right choice she said she will see and will find out ASAP but still tells me to move on and stuff. Fair enough I said but I don't want to be an option as much as I love this girl. She's my first real relationship and I really do love her and wish I had another chance. Whenever I bring this up to her she tells me to move on however she still gives me this hope where it seems like she's really undecided at the moment but is giving that guy a try. I am currently trying NC and it's only been like a day or 2 and Im having a really hard time doing it I just want to text her and just want her back. I also told my self last week that I am going to give this a deadline and if nothing happens I am going to be done but I don't know what to do anymore as I really want to talk to her and really want her back. She came over to play poker with me a my friends 2 days ago before that she said we shouldn't talk no phone call no text or anything yet there she is. I told her i don't think i can even be her friend and she seems to get quite mad at me. Ever since that poker day we haven't talked but its only been 2 days. I really have no idea what to do anymore. Do i just leave it move on? Do i wait? Do i talk to her? are we done or does she still like me I have no idea anymore and it really hurts me to see her with someone else so soon although she says she doesn't really like him but is still giving him a try. She also said if we got back together she would like it how things were before. I told her i'd change and stuff bad idea?.. Lies? I really really want to contact her she is pretty stubborn as well so I am not sure IF NC will work cause she might just forget about everything as well and would probably want me to text her instead of her texting me. thanks

Edited August 21, 2011 by LoveHurts88

[LoveHurts88]

anyone?? need some advice pls

[The_Good_Me]

Hey all I am new to this forum and I've been trying to deal with this breakup and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am getting mixed emotions.

 

We have been dating for a year now and she finally broke it off. She does not like arguments however we do argue but they are very minor things. When we got into arguments I just recently found out who would go to this guy and tell him our problems and I never knew about this guy. Although she said he was just a friend before. Now she is seeing him. I've asked her if she likes him she says she doesn't know and he was not the reason why we broke up. I am getting mixed emotions because a part of me thinks she still likes me and whats to get back together but she wants to give that a guy a try as well and just wants me to hold on.. She has told me to move on however when I ask her if she misses me and what we had because I pretty much moved in with her she says yes and she always says I don't want to get your hopes up. We broke up a week or so ago for good but I still went out with her during this time etc and it seemed like she had a lot of fun however she still chose him over me.

 

One night at 4 am she decided to call me because she couldn't sleep due to caffeine. We talked till 7 am I told her stories like before and she eventually fell asleep. I asked her the next day how come you called me and not him. She said i didn't feel like talking to anyone else and she said sorry she won't do it again. I asked her if she made the right choice she said she will see and will find out ASAP but still tells me to move on and stuff. Fair enough I said but I don't want to be an option as much as I love this girl. She's my first real relationship and I really do love her and wish I had another chance. Whenever I bring this up to her she tells me to move on however she still gives me this hope where it seems like she's really undecided at the moment but is giving that guy a try. I am currently trying NC and it's only been like a day or 2 and Im having a really hard time doing it I just want to text her and just want her back. I also told my self last week that I am going to give this a deadline and if nothing happens I am going to be done but I don't know what to do anymore as I really want to talk to her and really want her back. She came over to play poker with me a my friends 2 days ago before that she said we shouldn't talk no phone call no text or anything yet there she is. I told her i don't think i can even be her friend and she seems to get quite mad at me. Ever since that poker day we haven't talked but its only been 2 days. I really have no idea what to do anymore. Do i just leave it move on? Do i wait? Do i talk to her? are we done or does she still like me I have no idea anymore and it really hurts me to see her with someone else so soon although she says she doesn't really like him but is still giving him a try. She also said if we got back together she would like it how things were before. I told her i'd change and stuff bad idea?.. Lies? I really really want to contact her she is pretty stubborn as well so I am not sure IF NC will work cause she might just forget about everything as well and would probably want me to text her instead of her texting me. thanks

 

Hello Lovehurts

 

First of all I am really sorry to hear you're going through this. I can understand why you are confused and want to talk to her because she is still holding onto you, albeit at arms length.

 

I would say that so far this break up is in the early days and there's no telling what might happen. There has been quite a bit of contact between the 2 of you recently and this means that she hasn't had a chance to properly miss you yet. The only way that is going to happen is for you to initiate no contact.

 

You are worried that NC might not work and I presume you mean that as a means to get her back. For a start you shouldn't think of NC as a way to get her back. NC is a way for you to heal after a break up. Sometimes NC does bring an ex back but it should not be expected. She has made the decision to be with someone else and you need to allow her the freedom to explore this as hard as that is. If you keep persuing her, you are not respecting that freedom and constantly reminding her that you are her saftey net. You're essentially helping to keep her with this guy because of this. From her point of view, she gets to be in a relationship with the man she chose (sorry, but it's a hard truth) and if it doesn't work out, she knows she can just pick you up instantly. You need to remove yourself from this safety net image if you want her back. The way to do this is to initiate NC.

 

A hand written letter is a nice way to initiate NC as it's more personal than an email or text and shows you made some effort. You said you made her angry recently by telling her you can't be friends. First thing in the letter then is to try and remove that anger. Tell her you are sorry for saying that, you didn't mean to upset her and you have realised that it was an insensitive thing to say. Go on to say that you accept you are broken up and respect her freedom to be with this other guy (as much as that hurts). Tell her from now on you have to work on getting over the break up and the only way you can do that is to go NC so you can detach yourself. Reassure her that this doesn't mean you can't be friends in the future, but you are hurting right now and need to heal before any future contact can be made. Finish off by wishing her well.

 

If you can manage that, I believe you will have 1. done what you can in repairing any damage done (making her angry) 2. removed yourself from the "saftey net" image & 3. officially started the NC process.

 

I know you want her back but right now the ball is in her court. If you are to be together, it is going to have to come from her. This is only going to happen if you give her some space so she has a chance to miss you.

 

During this time apart, work on yourself in the areas you know contributed to the break up. You may need to do some soul searching first and its important you do. At the same time work on your image by working out and looking after yourself. Doing this will benefit you regardless of what happens in the future. If your ex comes back at some point, you would be in the strongest frame of mind possible at that point and you'd be in the best position to give it another go if that is what you wanted. On the other hand she may never come back but doing all of the above is the best way to heal from the relationship and better prepare you for the next one. Either way, it does the best thing for YOU!

 

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

[LoveHurts88]

Thanks for your reply.. Just today theres this game we play together and she msgs me and says wow gj. And tips me in another game she usually doesnt tip amyone but she tipped me.. Im getting so confused. I wanna talk to her so bad but i know i shouldnt. I just cant b her friend when shes sering someone else it just doesnt work like that.. Dont know what else to do buy NC and i dont plan on giving her a email or text or anything just leaving it as is and if she wants to talk to me ill talk to her?

[LoveHurts88]

So i texted her today and wanted some closure. She said she chose him and i told her that we shouldn't be friends anymore or c each other and she said that herself as well. She said she has to do this and I asked her why but she never gave me a reason why and told me not to hate her. She said she will miss me and i told her its okay. She asked me if i would ever take her back i said its too hard i don't want to be an option knowing ur not there anymore. And she never replied... Sad day

[The_Good_Me]

So i texted her today and wanted some closure. She said she chose him and i told her that we shouldn't be friends anymore or c each other and she said that herself as well. She said she has to do this and I asked her why but she never gave me a reason why and told me not to hate her. She said she will miss me and i told her its okay. She asked me if i would ever take her back i said its too hard i don't want to be an option knowing ur not there anymore. And she never replied... Sad day

 

Really sorry to hear she chose the other guy

 

It was cheeky of her to ask if you would take her back. She really seems to want to place you in that safety net zone to give her peace of mind while she explores this new guy. This to me says she's still not 100% sure of her decision. If she was, she probably wouldn't still be talking to you. Well done for not caving and telling her you would be there for her waiting. That really would have sealed it. You remained strong on that front so give yourself a pat on the back for that. It's very easy in those situations to want to express how much you love them and would wait for them no matter what.

 

Now really is the time to go full on NC, no more texts, emails, phone calls and definitely no more games. Give her space and time to allow her to see what life is like without you.

 

She may well contact you during NC and it's important to know that anything other than her expressing her desire to reconcile is basically a breadcrumb. Do not respond to breadcrumbs as you usually get no reply and then it leaves you confused and hurt. Breadcrumbs are a way for the dumper to check to see if you're still there. You just need to drop off her radar completely.

 

I think you've handled it pretty well so far so keep up the good work and really start to work on yourself now. Stay strong man

[FinOuch]

As a dumper...it can be very difficult to severe ties, even though they don't want to actually be in a relationship with that person. But just keep in mind that dumpers keep people around in the friend-zone for completely selfish reasons. They may rationalize that they're trying to lessen the hurt, or they may just think of it as "adult and civilized" behavior...when in reality it just takes a painful situation and magnifies it tenfold.

 

And, again, it is completely selfish. This is an act in which the dumper is attempting to hold onto what they know they will miss about the other person without having to actually tie themselves down and commit themselves to that person - generally with no intention of allowing the dumpee out of the freind-zone. Ever. Well. Except for maybe when things don't work out with someone else and they're hurting and need someone for...yet again...selfish reasons.

 

They want their cake and to eat it to. And for the dumpee...that SUCKS. Because it's the dumpee who valued the connection and the dumpee who is the one who will hold on to false hope, be disappointed when nothing comes of it, and ultimately endures much more pain than needed as a result.

 

 

Congratulations on your decision not to allow this to happen. No contact really is the way to go. Just remember if/when she does try to contact you in the future that she is doing it for HER...not for you. And as the keeper of your own heart, it is your responsibility not to let her back in for anything short of "I screwed up big time, I want you back, and I'm in it for keeps this time". (and even then, it'd be wise to take that slow and exceedingly cautiously)

[LoveHurts88]

Thanks guys i really appreciate your inputs. It actually really hurts right now. Especially when I reread her text messages I started to tear up. I am not a person who seems to do that I guess I am soft-hearted and really wanted her back and it really hurt me. I know she is being selfish I actually kind of had a feeling I was just an option for her and I don't want to be that option that's why I did what I did. Now I know it's time to initiate NC and just move on with my life. I think of her still day and night and all the good times we had, even those arguments didn't phase me I didn't care about that. I actually never thought I'd be writing on one of these forums but you guys have definately helped me out a lot. Thanks

[LoveHurts88]

I don't know who to talk to but my friends and I just don't know what to do anymore. I got closure from my ex yesterday, and I keep thinking about her so much still. I know I probably will for a while but I played poker at the casino and thought about her thought she'd b walking through those doors. I didn't want to write this anywhere but I just couldn't help it anymore it hurts me so much to know she's not here with me anymore. For all my friends that know me they see me as someone that is pretty brave and someone who probably doesn't cry. Well I am tearing up as I am writing this and I really want to get her back but I don't know if I can or if I should even bother anymore as she has already found someone else. It just hurts so much for me to think about this. I look at my phone constantly to see if she's texting me or if she's calling me. I know it takes time but as of now I can't let her go. Especially when she says will you ever take me back.. That really devastated me on why she would choose him over me. She even said I was always loyal to her. Doesn't get me anywhere. This is just my rant and had to share my feelings.