My WH wants me back now...

[Severely Unamused]

To provide an abridged version of my other thread, I found out my husband was having a 4 month long affair, then on d-day he left to be with his OW.

 

We both knew that this situation was unlikely to work out well, and unsurprisingly, it hasn't. Two days ago I found out that he had moved in with his sister and her husband, earlier on in the week. Which means that he was living with his OW for less than two weeks (he says that he left her of his own choice, although that could just be a lie).

 

So, he's been calling me non-stop, telling me that he has made a big mistake and that he wants a second chance. Went over to where I work and made a bit of a scene. Came over to our house and made an even bigger scene. I don't see this behaviour stopping any time soon.

 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before (first serious relationship), so I really don't have much experience in this area. How do I politely rebuff him? I've made it clear that I want my space but he doesn't listen. I've spoken with friends and family about it and they have given some conflicting advice. I could just get a restraining order I suppose.

 

I'd appreciate any opinions on reconciliation as well. Is it too soon for it? Is he still in the fog? What are the odds that I'm just a safety net to him? This whole situation is just paranoia fuel. Too many "what ifs" for me.

 

Also, I found out that the OW is in fact married. I guess her husband works abroad. Any reason not to tell him when I get the chance?

Edited August 21, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[woinlove]

I don't see any reason not to tell OW's H and I would not assume he already knows as most MM/MW work hard to keep their spouse in the dark. It will give MOW's H a chance to decide what he wants. And if you do decide to try to reconcile it makes it less likely the A will restart.

 

I don't think you are so much a back-up plan, after 4 months of him seeing MOW on the sly, as I think your H is a broken man, not dealing responsibly with whatever issues he has, and he is going to have to do a lot of work to become a healthy, responsible adult. The question is whether you want to go on that path with him or not.

 

Don't know how to get your H to listen about giving you space and time - but maybe if you threaten the RO, that will make him listen.

[Minnie09]

Haha! There you go.

No, no reason not to tell the BH.

If you need space, take your time. Take as long as you want to. He's got no business throwing fits and making scenes. Absolutely not.

 

How is his family (especially the ppl he moved in with/have you spoken to them?) dealing with the situation? Does he have any support from them?

 

How are your kids dealing with the situation?

If you consider reconciling, do it on your terms only. Demand whatever (IC for him and whatnot). To make sure, you're not the backup plan, speak to OW and try to find out some hidden truths.

Given your previous posts, you're a strong chick that takes no bull****, so I'm kind of hesitant to believe reconciliation is for you, but IF, it needs to be done on your terms. If that means you need five years to think about it, he has to back off and give you that. It's not his time to make demands now.

[John Michael Kane]

To provide an abridged version of my other thread, I found out my husband was having a 4 month long affair, then on d-day he left to be with his OW.

 

We both knew that this situation was unlikely to work out well, and unsurprisingly, it hasn't. Two days ago I found out that he had moved in with his sister and her husband, earlier on in the week. Which means that he was living with his OW for less than two weeks (he says that he left her of his own choice, although that could just be a lie).

 

So, he's been calling me non-stop, telling me that he has made a big mistake and that he wants a second chance. Went over to where I work and made a bit of a scene. Came over to our house and made an even bigger scene. I don't see this behaviour stopping any time soon.

 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before (first serious relationship), so I really don't have much experience in this area. How do I politely rebuff him? I've made it clear that I want my space but he doesn't listen. I've spoken with friends and family about it and they have given some conflicting advice. I could just get a restraining order I suppose.

 

I'd appreciate any opinions on reconciliation as well. Is it too soon for it? Is he still in the fog? What are the odds that I'm just a safety net to him? This whole situation is just paranoia fuel. Too many "what ifs" for me.

 

Also, I found out that the OW is in fact married. I guess her husband works abroad. Any reason not to tell him when I get the chance?

 

He's not in some "fog," he knows exactly what he's been doing so no need to believe that fog crap. Tell the husband whenever you get a chance. Most likely he's going to want evidence because in his mind, that's an enormous assumption from someone he doesn't know so if you have it, give it to him.

 

Honestly you should divorce him. This guy doesn't care about you. Cheating on you, leaving you to be with the tramp, embarrassing you at work, starting sh*t at home and whatever else he's been doing. That's not a husband and he could only be begging you because something "went wrong" between him and the OW. Maybe she found another guy to screw or something but obviously you can see from your cheater's behavior he's not really remorseful.

[PatFinkle]

Forget about reconciliation.

 

He does not want to listen to your requirements for engagement.

 

If he doesn't get things his way when he wants them he throws a tantrum or causes problems for you.

 

He's a big baby.

 

Now's your chance to get rid of him.

[whichwayisup]

Your H...Ask him if he's made an appointment to seek therapy so he can fix himself.

 

Chances are, he's reacting now that he's realized the grass isn't greener. Make him work for it! Holy sheeyot, does he expect you to willingly take him back with open arms and slide right back into your life like nothing happened?? He left you for someone else and now he needs to suffer some consquences. HIm being alone is a good thing. gives him time to think and figure out a way to properly work on himself and to work hard to get you back. Only you can decide if he's worthy of a chance.

[bentnotbroken]

Why do you have to be polite? Tell him to clean up his mess of a life and kiss your booty.

[fltc]

Why do you have to be polite? Tell him to clean up his mess of a life and kiss your booty.

 

Great advice! OP, pay attention to BnotB!

[Severely Unamused]

Large post, coming through.

 

Pulease...I'm sure he already knows.

Are you referring to the BH? I'm not so sure. I was completely blindsided myself. And this mOW seems to be far more proficient at this than my own husband (he wasn't her first, and I didn't detect much guilt from her). I'll have to think about my motivations here.

 

I don't think you are so much a back-up plan, after 4 months of him seeing MOW on the sly, as I think your H is a broken man, not dealing responsibly with whatever issues he has, and he is going to have to do a lot of work to become a healthy, responsible adult.

That has been my opinion for the past few weeks too. Hell, I'm even willing to pay for any therapy sessions and medication for him. I suppose the question that I want to raise is "If I have to bully and threaten my husband with divorce for him to work on his own improvement, would I want to be with him?"

 

@Minnie: Family has been supportive to both of us. More towards him than me, of course. They've pretty much figured it all out on their own. The truth has a way of coming out.

 

Our 14 year old son is quite perceptive. I don't think he knows exactly what his father has been up to, but he said himself that there is more than a "business trip" going on. What makes me sad is that my husband is the better parent overall, out of the two of us.

 

I'm kind of hesitant to believe reconciliation is for you

You're good.

 

I gave my husband some blunt honesty (he did ask) on Friday. I said that I was leaning more towards divorce than reconciliation. It looked like a part of him died on the inside, when I said it, so I'm feeling kinda bad about it.

 

I'm not really angry at him anymore. I'm not sad. If he showed me complete dedication during the reconciliation process, I think that I would be able to trust him. I mean, this seems like a personal meltdown more than anything.

 

I guess I just don't want to be with him. I feel drained. I think that when my son moves out I'd like to build a cabin (going to be hard with my bad arm) in the wilderness and live on my own. Get some peace and quiet for once in my life.

 

@sadintexas: Contacting my lawyer is a good idea. I'm hesitant to get too external with my personal life, but since he is still contacting me (including today, and most likely later tonight), it's a solid option.

 

Holy sheeyot, does he expect you to willingly take him back with open arms and slide right back into your life like nothing happened?

Nope. Everything is going just like we both predicted, on d-day. He saw the train coming and he chose to step in front of it anyway. I think that he is willing to work things out with me. He said that he would do anything (except for giving me some space apparently).

 

Why do you have to be polite?

I really don't know...

[Severely Unamused]

No sorry. I think I misunderstood your OP. I thought you meant tell hubby that his OW is actually married. Like H didn't know that and it might change the dynamic for him. Sorry.

 

Ah, it's okay.

 

Well sadintexas, I'll see if a c&d letter will do the trick. Husband came over this morning unannounced. I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

[John Michael Kane]

Ah, it's okay.

 

Well sadintexas, I'll see if a c&d letter will do the trick. Husband came over this morning unannounced. I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

 

If you're uncomfortable then tell him to not visit.

[Severely Unamused]

Unless you have a court order you can't bar him from his own home against his will.

 

It sounds like he simply had second thoughts about leaving the family home and wants to come back.

 

I don't need to announce myself before entering my own home and neither does your husband. Unless you have a court order or binding separation agreement that denies him access to the premises.

 

You sound a little bit heavy handed about all of this.

 

I just want him to stop calling me for a while. But it is perhaps an empty threat. I have been talking to my lawyer about alternatives.

 

What do you suggest?

[Woman In Blue]

It sounds like he simply had second thoughts about leaving the family home and wants to come back.

There's nothing 'simple' about DESERTING one's family.

 

You sound a little bit heavy handed about all of this.

Are you sure you aren't the OP's husband? What a ridiculous statement. The man has a 4 month affair, deserts his family by moving out into the tramp's home, finds that things aren't quite as idyllac as he thought they'd be, and NOW wants to come running home because his little fantasy bubble burst - and because the OP chooses NOT to lay down like a welcome mat for the jerk, SHE'S the heavy-handed one?

 

LOL. Un-friggen-real.

[bentnotbroken]

I just want him to stop calling me for a while. But it is perhaps an empty threat. I have been talking to my lawyer about alternatives.

 

What do you suggest?

 

 

Not sure about where you live, but where I live once a spouse moves out of the family home and sets up residence elsewhere there is a reasonable expectation they aren't coming back. Locks were changed and codes to the garage doors. You can also place a block on his phone number or use screening methods.

[Spark1111]

SU...yes, his behavior is a classic example of fog.

 

Right now, he is upset you took away his drug of choice (AP) and exposed the affair which usually forces it over time to go psssst.

 

He is angry he is not allowed to have his cake (the security of family and home and wife) and the feel good and addictive endorphins interactions with his AP releases (and eating it too.)

 

Generally, once the affair bubble is burst, it is fairly common to run to the one place you feel accepted (AP) to protect yourself. Now that you have mostly, unlimited access to each other everyday and it is NO LONGER forbidden, many changes start to occur.

 

As long as my H was still in contact with his AP, I refused to have anything to do with him. And I could ALWAYS tell., as he approached me in anger as IF he had a right to stay in the home. WTH?

 

Like a petulant child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he initially could not SEE what the big hullabaloo was all about.

 

Change the locks. Ignore the calls. The minute he starts to make a scene or yell or try to convince you of the "rightness" of his position, hang up, call security, throw him out.

 

Remind him that there is absolutely NO REASON to cheat on your family.

 

If he approaches you calmly with a willingness to listen, then listen to him too.

 

Do not accept unacceptable behavior, ever. But I will tell you that as long as he remains in contact with her, he will not de-fog. Do not disparage her, as it only strentghtens their drama bond.

 

I would tell her husband and present whatever evidence you may have. I would tell her husband the truth; that you remain unsure if you will reconcile but thought he should have the same info as you to make his own decisions refarding his marriage.

 

Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

Snip your nips for all I care.

 

Look at the post I responded to--it was entirely rude and it was actually pretty stupid and ill-advised as well.

 

You're an over the top anti-male sexist filled with hatred towards all men because of what your father did to you and what you perceive your OM did to you (because of your childish inability to accept personal responsibility for having your affairs).

 

Is the bolded necessary? What's your story Ethyl? What brings you to LS?

 

It seems you enjoy stirring the pot:laugh:

[dreamingoftigers]

Hello SU,

 

I just have a few points to consider:

 

1. He's probably out of the fog considering the affair is over. Perusing "After the Affair" may be a good idea to help you decide a little more fully about staying or leaving.

 

2. With the class and tact and preparation that you handled the affair with your husband would be back in a matter of time. It was almost inevitable. Women of your fortitude are rare and men of your husband's ilk would even be able to see that.

 

3. If you need space to think, you must be VERY firm on that: "Husband, I need space to process this. Do not discuss this with me for 30 days. (or whatever) I will say that I cannot guarantee a positive outcome for our marriage. If you do not give me this space, the marriage will definitely dissolve. The choice is entirely yours."

 

4. Give yourself time before making any final decisions. You have just been through something very traumatic and to be 100% honest your posts, although strategic and organized, sound almost a little dissassocisted from the events and the feelings that go with them.

 

5. If you do decide to reconcile, I strongly recommend going through marital counseling and building up the marriage again very slowly. In my personal experience the grief takes about 2 years to get through.

 

Best of luck.

[John Michael Kane]

Hello SU,

 

I just have a few points to consider:

 

1. He's probably out of the fog considering the affair is over. Perusing "After the Affair" may be a good idea to help you decide a little more fully about staying or leaving.

 

2. With the class and tact and preparation that you handled the affair with your husband would be back in a matter of time. It was almost inevitable. Women of your fortitude are rare and men of your husband's ilk would even be able to see that.

 

3. If you need space to think, you must be VERY firm on that: "Husband, I need space to process this. Do not discuss this with me for 30 days. (or whatever) I will say that I cannot guarantee a positive outcome for our marriage. If you do not give me this space, the marriage will definitely dissolve. The choice is entirely yours."

 

4. Give yourself time before making any final decisions. You have just been through something very traumatic and to be 100% honest your posts, although strategic and organized, sound almost a little dissassocisted from the events and the feelings that go with them.

 

5. If you do decide to reconcile, I strongly recommend going through marital counseling and building up the marriage again very slowly. In my personal experience the grief takes about 2 years to get through.

 

Best of luck.

 

He's not in some fog. He knows what he's doing.

[KathyM]

To provide an abridged version of my other thread, I found out my husband was having a 4 month long affair, then on d-day he left to be with his OW.

 

We both knew that this situation was unlikely to work out well, and unsurprisingly, it hasn't. Two days ago I found out that he had moved in with his sister and her husband, earlier on in the week. Which means that he was living with his OW for less than two weeks (he says that he left her of his own choice, although that could just be a lie).

 

So, he's been calling me non-stop, telling me that he has made a big mistake and that he wants a second chance. Went over to where I work and made a bit of a scene. Came over to our house and made an even bigger scene. I don't see this behaviour stopping any time soon.

 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before (first serious relationship), so I really don't have much experience in this area. How do I politely rebuff him? I've made it clear that I want my space but he doesn't listen. I've spoken with friends and family about it and they have given some conflicting advice. I could just get a restraining order I suppose.

 

I'd appreciate any opinions on reconciliation as well. Is it too soon for it? Is he still in the fog? What are the odds that I'm just a safety net to him? This whole situation is just paranoia fuel. Too many "what ifs" for me.

 

Also, I found out that the OW is in fact married. I guess her husband works abroad. Any reason not to tell him when I get the chance?

Don't take him back. He can't be trusted. How could you even think of taking him back after what he did? He wanted to be with the OW, now he can sleep in that bed that he made for himself. And by all means, tell the OWs husband, so he has a chance at a life with someone he can trust.

[Spark1111]

Hello SU,

 

I just have a few points to consider:

 

1. He's probably out of the fog considering the affair is over. Perusing "After the Affair" may be a good idea to help you decide a little more fully about staying or leaving.

 

2. With the class and tact and preparation that you handled the affair with your husband would be back in a matter of time. It was almost inevitable. Women of your fortitude are rare and men of your husband's ilk would even be able to see that.

 

3. If you need space to think, you must be VERY firm on that: "Husband, I need space to process this. Do not discuss this with me for 30 days. (or whatever) I will say that I cannot guarantee a positive outcome for our marriage. If you do not give me this space, the marriage will definitely dissolve. The choice is entirely yours."

 

4. Give yourself time before making any final decisions. You have just been through something very traumatic and to be 100% honest your posts, although strategic and organized, sound almost a little dissassocisted from the events and the feelings that go with them.

 

5. If you do decide to reconcile, I strongly recommend going through marital counseling and building up the marriage again very slowly. In my personal experience the grief takes about 2 years to get through.

 

Best of luck.

 

Great advice. You have the right to decide NOT to decide anything for quite awhile.

 

You have the right to refuse disccussions of "us." Right now, there is no us. The old marriage is gone. Whether or not a new relationship built on trust and respect can be built remains to be seen.

 

His actions will dictate if you would even be willing to try.

 

Is he depressed? has he been diagnosed? That would be a first step. He has to be willing to examine and change the behaviors and thought patterns that got him and you into this mess in the first place.

 

Even if you decide not to reconcile, he needs to be the best father he can be for his son. No excuses.

[Kidd]

He's not in some fog. He knows what he's doing.

 

The fog is real. My W made a remarkably quick turnaround when the fantasy was destroyed. I would still say it took about 3 months for her to fully come out of it and to stop rationalizing her behavior. They build elaborate justifications to assuage their guilt. They mentally re-write your marital history so that the affair was a result of a bad marriage, etc. My W had twisted thoughts that made it ok to spent our joint income on hotels and lingerie. By moving money from one acct to another somehow she could see some of it as her money. She recently got a check that would have been purely her own and offered it up. She clearly see those justifications as the crap that they were. The fog lifted.

 

That may have started for your H. The more it lifts, the more he wants to correct what he's done. Whether he gets the chance is up to you. I saw a stat that over 75% of ppl that divorce due to infidelity later wish they had tried harder to reconcile. I gave it a second chance. Success is rare. For me, it has paid off. I'm glad I stayed. It's taken ridiculous and unfair amounts of patience but I love my wife, saw hope for a positive outcome, and focused on the end goal. She also had to do the hard work.

 

I wish you luck in making your choice.

[John Michael Kane]

The fog is real.

 

No it's not and to attempt to use that as an excuse for cheating is ridiculous and false.

 

My W made a remarkably quick turnaround when the fantasy was destroyed. I would still say it took about 3 months for her to fully come out of it and to stop rationalizing her behavior. They build elaborate justifications to assuage their guilt. They mentally re-write your marital history so that the affair was a result of a bad marriage, etc. My W had twisted thoughts that made it ok to spent our joint income on hotels and lingerie. By moving money from one acct to another somehow she could see some of it as her money. She recently got a check that would have been purely her own and offered it up. She clearly see those justifications as the crap that they were. The fog lifted.

 

Kidd from your story, your wife kept cheating even when you protested so to say that you made her stop her destructive behavior is an overstatement. Point is, one cannot stop a cheater from cheating.

 

That may have started for your H. The more it lifts, the more he wants to correct what he's done.

 

If her husband actually wanted to stop what he was doing he would've done so, not making a scene at her job that could've resulted in her getting fired and not bothering her at home. Cheaters know exactly what they are doing and no invisible mist is controlling their minds.

 

Whether he gets the chance is up to you. I saw a stat that over 75% of ppl that divorce due to infidelity later wish they had tried harder to reconcile.

 

False statistic.

[Kidd]

I am a few months ahead of OP, have attempted reconciliation, and feel that it has been successful. I have seen the fog lift. OP may find that valuable. I don't know where your expert advice comes from. You certainly didn't back it up.

 

Also, I never said my W continued cheating. Curious tangent there. And you take another discussing whether I made her stop. Don't think I made a claim there.

 

Not that I was talking to you anyway. My comments were for SU. I found reconciliation to be a very rewarding choice. She deserves to know that this perspective exists, just as you are welcome to present another.

[reboot]

JMK never met a fact he couldn't make up.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have read that stat too. Interesting.

 

In reference to the fog, I have a hard time believing that people who cheat are often in entirely, resolute control of their faculties. It seems like so many of them trainwreck their entire lives in ways that are not reflective of someone in control of their sense and situation.