kourtney01 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Some of you may remember my stories from the past.. but for the rest I will sum up the background info in as few words a possible because I really need some in depth advice... I'm hanging on by a thread. I dated this guy for 2 yrs. He's in his early 30s I'm in my early 20s. First serious relationship for me. He's been in many, he's divorced and has a son. Although i know he loves his son, he's not a very good father. His ex-wife has him most of the time, she pays for everything (he doesn't pay child support), and his mother (the grandma) takes care of him on weekends when he's supposed to have him so that he can go out with his friends. It's even worse than it sounds but I won't get into the details. When we first met, he was trying to get me pregnant within literally 2 months of knowing me. I was only 22 (he was 30) and naive at the time. I believed the pretty little picture he painted in my head, so we stopped using protection. But I kept telling him I want to get married first and he kept coming up with excuses and telling me it would happen after the baby. We moved in together after 3 months of dating. Then some stuff started happening. He had bad temper tantrums, he embarassed me a few times in public, when he was drunk he would turn into a different person, he had an awful 1920s mentality about women and their place (as housewives) we lived in his parents basement and his mom was SO RUDE to me, I realized he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend (she walked out on him after 1 yr together and left him a note on the bed..don't know the details but he never saw her since), I also realized he wasn't over the fact that this other girl he dated for only 3 stinkin' months had an abortion with his baby.. he would talk about these 2 girls a lot. He lied... a lot. One night he told me he was going to get milk and he came back at 3am. Another time he kicked me out of the house at 4am with nowhere to go because his sister in law told him she didn't like that he treated me like a kid. During this entire time, we were not using protection and somehow i didn't get pregnant. When all the red flags started going up I kept telling him I wanted to start using protection but he kept arguing with me not to. Then a series of really bad fights started happening between us and some even involved his extremely rude mother and I had it, packed my bags and left.. that's when I found out I was pregnant.. and I came back and told him.... I didn't know what to do...after a very long discussion with him (he got me flowers promised me the world etc..he was very very happy) I decided to get an abortion. Something that I can't explain in words how difficult it was for me and 2 yrs later I still cry about it and wonder "what if". We broke up briefly but eventually got back together.. things went downhill from there and I basically spend 2 yrs of my life with him crying EVERY DAY, catching him with different girls, him cheating on me CONSTANTLY, lying, playing mind games, his mother, him disrespecting me in public and in front of friends.. lord if I was to tell you some stories they would make your skin crawl. We broke up over 100 times and each time he kept telling me that it was because I had an abortion that things got so bad (I have to admit he never cheated before the abortion) and he would beg me back and we would try again and again he would cheat, or lie or hurt me or all 3. He even hit me twice under very extreme circumstances and spit in my face. Eventually I was so run down, emotionally unstable and exhausted, I took the little strength I had left and left him. He then proposed and we started working on things one last time..he said he was finally ready to let go of the abortion.. we even got matching tattoos..things were great for 3-4 months..then he cheated AGAIN! Just months before the wedding. We broke up for the last time this March. Since then I was in a life-altering car accident (I'm 100% now thank God) that got me thinking about a lot. I have to admit, as I get older, I really want a baby (but the proper way and with marriage first) and I think about the abortion a lot. I have a lot of guilt from it. I always dreamed of a big family since I don't have a lot of family where I live. (my relatives are scattered across Spain) I know what he did to me AFTER was DISGUSTING but I don't know if the fights we were having before where sufficient reason for me to have an abortion...although my gut still tells me I was right I can't help but wonder. I really truly loved him in a very sick twisted way since I was being emotionally abused...but there were time where things were so amazing it really felt like he was the one. It took him exactly 1 month to move on. He met a girl, they moved in together after only 2 months and now... after 4 months of dating .. THEY'RE HAVING A BABY!!! DUE IN MARCH! We have mutual friends and his sister is still my best friend to this day so she tells me everything. (they are not very close and she doesn't agree with what he put me thru) Just as I thought that I was healing and finally moving on, the baby news brought me right down to rock bottom again. How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from "I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode (her) in just a few months!!! It took me 4 months just to stop crying every night and it took him the same time to make a child and move in with her. I want to faint. I have no idea how to analyze this.. is this all he ever wanted? Would things have been ok with us if I just gave him a child like he dreamed of?? And what possesses him to make babies with random women to begin with? I don't get it. Please help.
tojaz Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Hi Kourtney In reading your story, all I can say is YOU DODGED A BULLET! This guy was laying a trap for you just as it sounds like he had for many others and now his new interest. At least that is how I read it. Having children isn't anything anyone should feel pressured into and thats exactly what he was doing, you would really have to stop and ask yourself why.... I don't things would have been any better for you had you given him the kids he was pressing you for, it would have just made it that much harder for you to separate yourself from a toxic situation. Let the fact that he moved on to another TARGET so quickly tell you all you need to know. TOJAZ
Downtown Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from "I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode (her) in just a few months?Kourtney, your exBF is not "devoid of emotion." Rather, he likely has strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD). If he suffers from NPD, he never really loved you to begin with because narcissists perceive others as objects. More likely, however, he is a BPDer, i.e., has strong traits of BPD. In that case, he likely loved you very much (in an immature way that is typical of children). As a BPDer, however, he would be extremely uncomfortable with experiencing strong mixed feelings. He therefore would have done frequent splitting, wherein he allows his conscious mind to be in contact with only one set of feelings at a time. This likely is why you saw him flipping, in ten seconds, from adoring you to devaluing or hating you numerous times during your relationship. This is called black-white thinking, wherein the BPDer categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad." I mention all this to explain that, what likely happened (if he is not a narcissist) is that he simply "split you black" permanently -- which BPDers usually do eventually. That is, his feelings of love are still there in his mind but his conscious mind is completely out of touch with them (and they thus will wither away). This does not imply, however, that he did not suffer during the breakup. If he is a BPDer, what he mostly suffered from was not losing you specifically but, rather, losing a strong personality to ground and center him -- preventing his unstable mind from shooting off in all directions. That need, of course, can be quickly met by another woman with a strong, stable personality. This need for someone to stabilize them -- plus their ability to split off their good feelings about ex-partners -- is why BPDers usually are so desperate to quickly find another partner. And, as occurred with you, he will fall "in love" (i.e., become infatuated) very quickly. It is not uncommon for BPDers to propose marriage within a month or two. He likely genuinely believes that his new GF is his "soul mate" and, because he probably is mirroring her personality, she likely believes it too. That "mirroring" is the reason you likely saw him behaving very differently around different types of people. If this discussion rings a bell, you may want to read my description of typical BPDer behavior in GreenEyedRebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. Take care, Kourtney.
Author kourtney01 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Kourtney, your exBF is not "devoid of emotion." Rather, he likely has strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD). If he suffers from NPD, he never really loved you to begin with because narcissists perceive others as objects. More likely, however, he is a BPDer, i.e., has strong traits of BPD. In that case, he likely loved you very much (in an immature way that is typical of children). As a BPDer, however, he would be extremely uncomfortable with experiencing strong mixed feelings. He therefore would have done frequent splitting, wherein he allows his conscious mind to be in contact with only one set of feelings at a time. This likely is why you saw him flipping, in ten seconds, from adoring you to devaluing or hating you numerous times during your relationship. This is called black-white thinking, wherein the BPDer categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad." I mention all this to explain that, what likely happened (if he is not a narcissist) is that he simply "split you black" permanently -- which BPDers usually do eventually. That is, his feelings of love are still there in his mind but his conscious mind is completely out of touch with them (and they thus will wither away). This does not imply, however, that he did not suffer during the breakup. If he is a BPDer, what he mostly suffered from was not losing you specifically but, rather, losing a strong personality to ground and center him -- preventing his unstable mind from shooting off in all directions. That need, of course, can be quickly met by another woman with a strong, stable personality. This need for someone to stabilize them -- plus their ability to split off their good feelings about ex-partners -- is why BPDers usually are so desperate to quickly find another partner. And, as occurred with you, he will fall "in love" (i.e., become infatuated) very quickly. It is not uncommon for BPDers to propose marriage within a month or two. He likely genuinely believes that his new GF is his "soul mate" and, because he probably is mirroring her personality, she likely believes it too. That "mirroring" is the reason you likely saw him behaving very differently around different types of people. If this discussion rings a bell, you may want to read my description of typical BPDer behavior in GreenEyedRebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. Take care, Kourtney. I sit possible for him to be a sociopath a narcissist and have borderline tendencies? The part about him duplicating behaviour dos not sound like him at all... he was def pathological but he had his own ways and they were SET IN STONE and he is soooo good at manipulating everyone around him... he even manipulated me to believe that his way of thinking was the right way even though it was so warped in some many levels... he still has me questioning myself months later while he's busy making a child with someone else... As weird as this may sound.. I had an overwhelming gut feeling that he was just trying to get me pregnant and USING me as a vessel to carry his child and someone to raise it rather than looking at me as a partner in life... but I couldn't figure out why he wanted a child so bad especially with all the fighting and lying and screaming..etc never thought men had a biological clock? I convinced myself that I was crazy for feeling that way but him getting this girl pregnant so soon brought back that gut feeling again... am I crazy?
Steadfast Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Men having a biological clock isn't something I've heard a lot. Most men can become fathers until they are too old to do the deed. If anything, the 'biology' is a fear. Even to men who are already fathers. Many men gain what the think is a certain amount of control; a kind of emotional dependance/blackmail. Carrying my child. Take my orders. These same men often have two 'classes' of women; wives, and lovers. In this case, you're obviously better off without him. The heart often overrules the head, but you could see how this man was before, during and after the relationship. I'm certain in the future you'll recognize the dangers of denial. If anything, you've learned love and children aren't bargaining tools. Abortion is a radically emotional subject and one of great debate, but I have met and talked with many women who (when honest) express great and long lasting feelings of guilt. In your case and in my opinion, the guilt is justified because out of everyone involved in the situation, it was the child who was completely innocent. Protection, age, arousal and a wide variety of emotions are included in the sexual act, causing many to forget that the overwhelming purpose of it (and marriage) is for procreation. Like many decisions in life, some will stay with us forever. This does not have to define you in the whole if you use the experience to learn and advise others. Don't forget that you are important. You are worthy of love. Grow from this. Allow it to make you smarter, wiser and stronger. No one can bring you happiness or fulfillment if you can't manifest it on your own first.
Author kourtney01 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Men having a biological clock isn't something I've heard a lot. Most men can become fathers until they are too old to do the deed. If anything, the 'biology' is a fear. Even to men who are already fathers. Many men gain what the think is a certain amount of control; a kind of emotional dependance/blackmail. Carrying my child. Take my orders. These same men often have two 'classes' of women; wives, and lovers. Very insightful... where does this stem from? And was this the scenario with my situation?
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