Ex and dying grandmother

[mtd4249]

I've previously posted here, so some who read this might be familiar with my story. But, to give the background as briefly as possible - I was in a defacto relationship for nearly 16 years until January this year. Then the day after her 36th birthday, my ex took me by surprise and said she was unhappy and needed space. The following week she went to a city in another state from where we moved 5 years ago and where her family live.

 

She had taken 3 months' leave from the job she had here and originally left under the pretence she was coming back once she sorted herself out. Of course, nothing was adding up - I had given her no reason to leave (I had never cheated on her, was never abusive etc); she didn't really want to talk to me when she went away; she started drinking a lot and going to nightclubs - and other symptoms of someone going throough a midlife crisis.

 

In the second week after she went away, I discovered she had found some random guy online and was having a phone sex fling with him. When I fronted her with it, she called off the relationship - despite the fact I was willing to work on the relationship.

 

Then in April this year she came back to this city to quit her job and to collect her clothes. I didn't see her or speak to her - my idea was that there was nothing to talk about because she had made her mind up to fold on the relationship and I had already said goodbye to her once ... I didn't need to say goodbye to her twice.

 

Since then things have been with the lawyers to work out the settlement of assets (and to give credit where it's due, she hasn't been nasty when it's come to the money side of things).

 

More or less, the only communication from her since April was a couple of emails in June which basically said she will always care about me. Interestingly, one of those emails arrived 2 days before I went to the city where she moved back to .... I went to visit family, and through an extraordinary twist of fate that involved an unbelieveable number of sliding doors opening and closing I ended up seeing her in a city of 2.5 million people! She was walking hand-in-hand with her new guy and I honestly couldn't believe it was her because the odds would be up there with winning lotto of being in that spot at that very moment. So, I followed her and the guy to a cafe and decided to go up to the table to make sure it was her .. when I asked her name, she said my name and asked me how I was. I didn't say anything else and walked off ... I had all the information I needed.

 

That was about 7 weeks ago. There was no communication from her in those 7 weeks ... but then today I received a text message to tell me that her grandmother (to whom she is very close) was diagnosed with terminal cancer yesterday and has only a couple of weeks to live. I should say that this would be true and not an attention-seeking story - her grandmother had been battling cancer for some years.

 

I don't know why she has sent me this news ... perhaps she is looking for emotional support? Maybe the bad news has put the reality of life back on the agenda (rather than her fruitless pursuit of pure happiness) and she's about the hit the ground with a thud (if, as I suspect, she is suffering a midlife crisis a significant event like this could be the catalyst to snap her out of the daze)?

 

I really don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here to get some perspective .... one part of me says ignore the message or reply with: "Sorry to hear the news, but your family concerns are no longer part of my life. I hope your new partner offers you the emotional support you need" -- is that cold-hearted?

 

But, then another part of me says I should respond compassionately .... I had genuinely warm connection with her grandmother. In the early days, when my ex's mother and step-father really didn't like me (even to this day I don't know why) the grandmother did like me and always took my side. After being abandoned, ignored, lied to and cheated on by my ex (and, let's face it, there were times when I was so depressed but obviously she wasn't there for me to turn to), I'm surprised I have any emotional reserves for anything to do with her or her family.

 

What should I do?

[WindWhisperer]

Does she have a supportive family? Friends?

If not then it makes sense she came to you.

If she does... Then its probably that she remembers you always being there for her and being a great rock.

Its really up to you.

It is a dying family member so compassion wouldn't be wrong.

[Dblock10]

ouch!

 

tough one tbh. id be frank. just say, you are very sorry to hear this, she was a great woman my heart goes out to her.

 

and leave it at that. dont ask her anything. dont get nasty. just treat it like that. civil.

[california15]

I've thought about this scenario myself. That one day I might get a reach out from him telling me bad news about his family/friends etc.

 

There is a reason she told you. I don't know if its because she doesn't feel comfortable with the new guy about this, or because in a moment of panic she turned to the person she feels most comfortable with. I could be wrong here also. Maybe she felt comfortable telling the new guy and informed you because shes trying to be curteous of the relationship you had with her grandmother. Could be nothing but stale crumbly breadcrumbs. I could go on and on for reasons.

 

I dont know her reason. And we may never know. You know her better than any of us on LS. You gotta think what the best reason is and go with it. Keep in mind, if you think she did it because she needs comfort and has no one else, when in reality its only because she thought you'd want to know and nothing else, then be prepared for an answer from her that reflects such.

 

I think its something you should acknowledge if you think its sincere and not an attempt, ONLY if you're ready to do so. But otherwise, no.

 

If you reply, Leave out the "but your family matters are no longer my concern hope your new guy can help you." Its bitter sounding, and does not help the current situation of her grandmother. If you feel the need to reply, Just say something neutral along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear the bad news. She's always been a special woman to me." OR something similar.

 

so like I said. You know her best. There is a reason, whatever it is. If you feel its legit and you want to respond, I'd ditch the bitterness and offer condolences on the bad news.

[mtd4249]

Thanks for the replies.

 

WindWhisperer - she does have a large and supportive family and plenty of friends (which is why it was easy for her to walk out on me and leave me in a city with no one!).

 

California15 - I'm not normally a bitter or nasty guy and that bitter voice is only a whisper in one ear. After being kicked and kicked and kicked, it's hard to not hear Mr Bitter, however faint his voice! She showed me no compassion throughout the whole breakup and I think to myself - how would she respond if the shoe was on the other foot and I came to her with similar news after abandoning her, ignoring and cheating on her? I suspect she would ignore me.

 

But, at the end of it all, I've always said that I've done nothing wrong or to feel guilty about .... and I probably need to take the moral high ground on this twist in an already twisted story. I think (but really don't know) this is her reaching out - perhaps instinctively to me.

 

Dblock10 - I agree with your words and will probably send something along those lines.

[danceallday]

mtd4249 - I had a similar story in my "You think your breakup was messed up?" thread. I was in a long term relationship and a week after my ex walked out on me (the second time) my Mother passed away. He was the third person I called. It was just I was in such a grief state and he was one of the closest people to me (before he walked out_ and my Mother always liked him. He was a member of our family for 10 years and he went with me to the funeral and held my hand, held me up, etc. It really meant the world to me.

 

He douched out on me again immediately after we got back, but I won't forget how he helped me through an incredibly difficult time.

 

If you want to call, call. If you want to visit the grandmother, visit. You need to remember who you are through this. Your ex is just trying to reach to you because she thinks of you as someone who is important to her and she is comfortable sharing her grief with you.

 

There is nothing that makes you grow up faster, or question your life, like losing a loved one.

[mtd4249]

danceallday -- thanks for your reply. I suspect you're right that she is reaching out to me at a time of grief and ordinarily I would be a shoulder for her to lean on. Over 16 years, I was always there for her and would have done anything for her, through good and bad times. But, she chose to give that up and, under the circumstances, there is not much I can do apart from offer my condolences.

 

What you said about losing a loved one and questioning your life is so true .... I'm not so much speaking from personal experience as you are (although losing my ex after 16 years was like losing someone to death, she was my lover and best friend), but my ex ex who I was with for 7 years before she cheated on me .... when her mother died, she soon tracked me down and had apparently come to the realization that she was happiest in her life when she was with me (despite the fact she is married with a child now - her husband had cheated on her). On so many levels, it's true we don't know what we have until we no longer have it!!

[danceallday]

mtd4249 - you are a good person and she will remember that. It really is human nature to not appreciate things until they are gone. I felt that when my Mother passed away too.

 

I was with my ex for 12 years (10 years when my Mother passed) and was there for him so much and threw me under the bus repeatedly. My thread is "So you think your breakup was messed up." I am chalking up his actions to colossal immaturity and narcissism. But if he let me know that one of his loved ones was ill I would be there for him in a heartbeat.

 

People really don't change unless they want to. My personal observations of when people change are: death of a loved one, near death experience, serious illness (cancer, aids), and the birth of a child.

 

I have to remind myself everyday that I have many gifts and we all should take a step back and thank the Lord (if you are spiritual) and thank him for another day above the ground. Thank him for family, friends, and who you are and what you have. It can all be taken away in a second. I live in NYC and I have personally witnessed that song "everything can change in a new york minute". I lived here through 9/11 and I witnessed someone getting plowed over by a van on the street last year. I have also witnessed many more things that show you that it can all be taken away at any time. We just get caught up in the grind of daily life and obsess over what we have or do not have. And don't even get me started on reality tv.

 

I went off on a bit of a tangent,but you understand my meaning. If you liked the grandmother and you want to visit, visit. We shouldn't shun death. We should celebrate that person's life.

[Graceful]

Hola, Mtd

 

There are times when over analysis kills the mood, you know what I mean? And this is one of them. Go with your gut and know that your response represents who YOU are, and has nothing, and I mean nothing whatsoever to do with your ex.

 

You're saddened to hear the news. Prayers and heartfelt sympathy to her and her family. Grandmother had a lovely life, and she will certainly rest in peace. Thank you for sharing this difficult news.

 

You're a responsible, intelligent guy, you've done nothing wrong, you've stayed the course. Be who you are. That's the response you'll feel good about.

 

Glad to hear you are moving forward. Hopefully, you will be settled into a new relationship in due time, and if your ex ever comes back, you will know that your breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you. I'm sure hoping for a happy ending for you. Take care. ps It still astonishes me that you ran into your ex in a city of millions of people. Blows my mind.

[mtd4249]

danceallday -- human nature is at least consistent when it comes to taking things for granted! For instance, when your partner cooks you a meal for the first time, you thank them nearly endlessly and tell them it was the greatest meal you ever had. Yet, 10 or whatever years down the track - that same meal cooked by the same person, almost inevitably gets no acknowledgement. It shouldn't be that way ... and yet we are all probably guilty of expectation and lack of appreciation.

 

Graceful - hello ... long time, no hear How are you doing?

 

I know my compassionate side will win in the end -- and as odd as this sounds, I almost feel sorry for my ex. This year will be invariably associated with two significant losses in her life - me and her grandmother. I don't know how she was handling our breakup - I assume that because she was the one who made the call to fold and was quick to get hitched, that she was happy. In some ways, I sure hope so because another loss and dose of unhappiness might be too much for her to handle.

 

Anyway, I feel I've made good progress over the last few months. There are still things I have to overcome, but it's gone from one minute at a time, to one day at a time, to one week at a time. I can now see one month at a time!!

 

It would be fun to have a statistician work out the odds of me running into my ex given all the things that had to fall into place for me to be there at that very moment. You see that sort of thing in movies and think "yeah right, that doesn't happen in reality"! My experience was life imitating art.

 

Please stay in touch .. I'd be interested to know how you are doing.

[mtd4249]

Hello .... I'm back here again!

 

You'll see from my post below that my ex contacted me a few weeks ago to tell me that her grandmother had only weeks to live. I didn't really know why she felt the urge to tell me (and still don't) and I didn't know how to respond .... but in the end I sent a message that said: "Sorry to hear the bad news. I have always held your grandmother in warm regard. Please pass on my thoughts to her and my condolences to the family".

 

Under the circumstances of the breakup, I thought this was an appropriately sincere response.

 

But, I'm again stuck for words and back here for some advice. My ex has contacted me again with the following text message: " Just thought you would like to know that my grandmother only has 24 hrs to live ... she said that she has always loved you, and that she was sorry for what has happened between us".

 

I realize these are unique circumstances, but for me the best thing is no contact from her -- I'm not sure why she feels it necessary to contact me with updates (and I'm not saying that in a mean or emotionless way).

 

But, my real difficulty is how to respond to this latest message -- the last bit about the grandmother being sorry for what has happened between my ex and me is probably something for her to reflect upon. If things were so bad, then surely the grandmother would think leaving me was the best thing my ex ever did!

 

If anyone has some suggestions on how to respond to this latest message, it would be really appreciated. Thanks

[KathyM]

I've previously posted here, so some who read this might be familiar with my story. But, to give the background as briefly as possible - I was in a defacto relationship for nearly 16 years until January this year. Then the day after her 36th birthday, my ex took me by surprise and said she was unhappy and needed space. The following week she went to a city in another state from where we moved 5 years ago and where her family live.

 

She had taken 3 months' leave from the job she had here and originally left under the pretence she was coming back once she sorted herself out. Of course, nothing was adding up - I had given her no reason to leave (I had never cheated on her, was never abusive etc); she didn't really want to talk to me when she went away; she started drinking a lot and going to nightclubs - and other symptoms of someone going throough a midlife crisis.

 

In the second week after she went away, I discovered she had found some random guy online and was having a phone sex fling with him. When I fronted her with it, she called off the relationship - despite the fact I was willing to work on the relationship.

 

Then in April this year she came back to this city to quit her job and to collect her clothes. I didn't see her or speak to her - my idea was that there was nothing to talk about because she had made her mind up to fold on the relationship and I had already said goodbye to her once ... I didn't need to say goodbye to her twice.

 

Since then things have been with the lawyers to work out the settlement of assets (and to give credit where it's due, she hasn't been nasty when it's come to the money side of things).

 

More or less, the only communication from her since April was a couple of emails in June which basically said she will always care about me. Interestingly, one of those emails arrived 2 days before I went to the city where she moved back to .... I went to visit family, and through an extraordinary twist of fate that involved an unbelieveable number of sliding doors opening and closing I ended up seeing her in a city of 2.5 million people! She was walking hand-in-hand with her new guy and I honestly couldn't believe it was her because the odds would be up there with winning lotto of being in that spot at that very moment. So, I followed her and the guy to a cafe and decided to go up to the table to make sure it was her .. when I asked her name, she said my name and asked me how I was. I didn't say anything else and walked off ... I had all the information I needed.

 

That was about 7 weeks ago. There was no communication from her in those 7 weeks ... but then today I received a text message to tell me that her grandmother (to whom she is very close) was diagnosed with terminal cancer yesterday and has only a couple of weeks to live. I should say that this would be true and not an attention-seeking story - her grandmother had been battling cancer for some years.

 

I don't know why she has sent me this news ... perhaps she is looking for emotional support? Maybe the bad news has put the reality of life back on the agenda (rather than her fruitless pursuit of pure happiness) and she's about the hit the ground with a thud (if, as I suspect, she is suffering a midlife crisis a significant event like this could be the catalyst to snap her out of the daze)?

 

I really don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here to get some perspective .... one part of me says ignore the message or reply with: "Sorry to hear the news, but your family concerns are no longer part of my life. I hope your new partner offers you the emotional support you need" -- is that cold-hearted?

 

But, then another part of me says I should respond compassionately .... I had genuinely warm connection with her grandmother. In the early days, when my ex's mother and step-father really didn't like me (even to this day I don't know why) the grandmother did like me and always took my side. After being abandoned, ignored, lied to and cheated on by my ex (and, let's face it, there were times when I was so depressed but obviously she wasn't there for me to turn to), I'm surprised I have any emotional reserves for anything to do with her or her family.

 

What should I do?

I think it would be nice for you to contact the grandmother and tell her you appreciate how she supported you in those early days, and to thank her for being an ally to you. I think it would mean a lot to the woman, who is in her final days. You aren't obligated to contact her, of course, but it would be a nice gesture. Your X probably told you because she knows you were fond of her grandmother, and may want to say goodbye. I don't think your X expects anything from you with this. If you do contact the grandmother, I would suggest you not say anything negative about your relationship with your X.

[mtd4249]

Thanks for the reply, Kathy. Unfortunatly, I have no way of directly contacting the grandmother - as far as I know, she is at my ex's mother's house and it would be extremely awkward calling there. My only way of getting a message to the grandmother is through my ex by text message - given what I said the first time she told me the news of her grandmother and given the circumstances of the break up, I'm lost to know how to respond to her latest message but know the right thing is to offer a reply.

[mtd4249]

UPDATE -- just received a text message from my ex to say her grandmother quite literally just passed away!!

 

I hadn't responded to her previous text message earlier today -- I really don't know why she is so quick to tell me this news. What is she expecting from me? She is obviously expecting a response .... what do I do??

 

This is such a confusing situation to an already difficult situation!!

[EgoJoe]

I'm curious as to the defacto element you refer to.

 

I would reply and just say something like this, "I am sorry to hear about your loss, however, due to the circumstances I would appreciate it if you found condolences elsewhere. I am not your emotional dumping guy because you left me for someone else. All the best."

 

 

Life has consequences.

[LilThalie]

I'm curious as to the defacto element you refer to.

 

I would reply and just say something like this, "I am sorry to hear about your loss, however, due to the circumstances I would appreciate it if you found condolences elsewhere. I am not your emotional dumping guy because you left me for someone else. All the best."

 

 

Life has consequences.

 

I would not do that, it's rude. I'd wait a bit and rather say "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you find the support you need from friends/family in this difficult situation." It also implies that you'd prefer not being the person she turns to for support. No need to be especially rude in this situation.

[EgoJoe]

I don't think that is rude. It is healthy non-violent boundary expression with a logical reason derived from events she set in motion.

 

I think you would do well to lead the way to personal accountability my friend.

[LilThalie]

I don't think that is rude. It is healthy non-violent boundary expression with a logical reason derived from events she set in motion.

 

I think you would do well to lead the way to personal accountability my friend.

 

Under regular circumstances I would agree with you, but we're talking about losing a close family member.

[EgoJoe]

It might seem cold but it has nothing to do with games. I have learned healthy people have healthy boundaries and the key to the healthy part of the boundaries is the expression.

 

She is not dieing her Grandmother passed and that is sad I am by no means attempting to underscore that. However, he will hurt himself by being a shoulder to cry on and I highly doubt her Grandmother would want her Grand-Daughter to use her Ex in such a manner considering that she liked him.

[mtd4249]

Thanks for the replies. It turned out that I was unable to access this site last night for some reason -- perhaps the site server collapsed -- so, I wasn't able to see your responses until this morning.

 

I did, in fact, send a text message back that said I was sorry to hear about the grandmother's passing, and to accept my condolences and pass them on to my ex's mother.

 

The way I see it, her grandmother's passing is itself a boundary setting - it is one more page turned that my gave my ex reason to contact me.

 

I also think it's poignant that the grandmother was sorry for what happened between my ex and me. My first thought was that it should be my ex who was sorry - something she hasn't yet expressed and probably never will since that would require taking responsibility for her actions. My other thought was that her grandmother wouldn't have been sorry for the breakup if she thought her granddaughter had done the right thing.

 

The passing of her grandmother should really be a reality check for my ex -- these situations are the realities of life; life is never perfect just as finding perfect happiness doesn't exist!