Weekends are hard. How do you overcome loneliness?

[Easyguy14]

Weren't you also saying a few weeks ago that you get hit on by attractive men all the time?

 

And I'll repeat it: Canceling a date as you did a couple weeks ago was rude.

 

It's more your fault than you realize. Take some responsibility!

 

if the op claimed to be getting hit on by attractive men all the time then this thread is invalid and waste of our time because the op is behaving in a strange manner and probably walks around with walls all around her so a good man cant get in.

[Imajerk17]

if the op claimed to be getting hit on by attractive men all the time then this thread is invalid and waste of our time because the op is behaving in a strange manner and probably walks around with walls all around her so a good man cant get in.

 

No kidding!

 

Women like iris are single because of their crazy wiring. They meet a great guy, go out with him, he seems "nice", and then because they aren't feeling that whole instant crazy chemistry thing, they "dread" going on a second date and so they just cancel. So they really aren't giving anyone a chance.

 

Too bad iris can't see this about herself.

[iris219]

Well iris, here's the thing: Most people when you meet them, are going to come across as 'nice'. Especially the more reserved guys you crave.

 

There is nothing wrong with going on a second date being 'unsure', as long as you put in the effort to be good company.

 

He wasn't nice! I mentioned him briefly on LS. He was insulting before the date even started and he talked about his therapy sessions the entire date. It was exhausting and I can’t believe I even entertained the idea of a second date. I did so out of desperation, and the fact that he had a job and wasn't an alcoholic.

[Easyguy14]

No kidding!

 

Women like iris are single because of their crazy wiring. They meet a great guy, go out with him, he seems "nice", and then because they aren't feeling that whole instant crazy chemistry thing, they "dread" going on a second date and so they just cancel. So they really aren't giving anyone a chance.

 

Too bad iris can't see this about herself.

 

right. you would figure that by 32 years old she would have it together so as not to be doing silly things that's more expected of a 22 year old. dont wanna be negative because that doesn't really help the situation but I got to call this one as I see it. the op has it easy but chooses to make it hard for no good reason. then when she hits 40 and above she'll really feel bad because of all that time missed. that's why Im hoping to find the right one for me but its always harder for a man because we have to make the first move 95% of the time. Im not really complaining about it since its always been that way but to get rejected without given a genuine shot is very dissapointing.

[Easyguy14]

He wasn't nice! I mentioned him briefly on LS. He was insulting before the date even started and he talked about his therapy sessions the entire date. It was exhausting and I can’t believe I even entertained the idea of a second date. I did so out of desperation, and the fact that he had a job and wasn't an alcoholic.

 

what about all the "attractive men" that approached you op? stop dating mental cases and let a normal man get a chance. why am I wasting time with this because you're not going to get it are you?

[iris219]

No kidding!

 

Women like iris are single because of their crazy wiring. They meet a great guy, go out with him, he seems "nice", and then because they aren't feeling that whole instant crazy chemistry thing, they "dread" going on a second date and so they just cancel. So they really aren't giving anyone a chance.

 

Too bad iris can't see this about herself.

 

None of this applies to me.

[iris219]

right. you would figure that by 32 years old she would have it together so as not to be doing silly things that's more expected of a 22 year old. dont wanna be negative because that doesn't really help the situation but I got to call this one as I see it. the op has it easy but chooses to make it hard for no good reason. then when she hits 40 and above she'll really feel bad because of all that time missed. that's why Im hoping to find the right one for me but its always harder for a man because we have to make the first move 95% of the time. Im not really complaining about it since its always been that way but to get rejected without given a genuine shot is very dissapointing.

 

How does any of this apply to me? What do I not "have together?"

 

You guys clearly had an agenda and used my post to try and prove that it’s always a woman’s fault for being single. It’s always because she is too picky or too dependent on instant chemistry. That has nothing to do with my post and nothing to do with me.

[Emilia]

I have hobbies, but not ones where I'm likely to meet men. There's only older and/or gay men in my yoga classes.

 

 

 

Dating is VERY hard for woman. Why don't men realize this? I'm 32, so older but not ancient. It's possible there's something wrong with my personality, but I'm attractive and have low standards . I've been known to be aggressive. I've walked up and started conversations with men before, but unfortunately there aren't many single or attractive men in my town.

 

If you are in the wrong kind of town, that's unfortunate. Otherwise it doesn't look like you are trying particularly hard socially. You can't expect good men to fall on your lap. You have to have something going for you. You need to be open and interesting

[Nexus One]

The question is not how to deal with loneliness, the question is what you can do to change your situation. Solution oriented, rather than coping oriented.

 

In my opinion the second you feel you have to "put up" with a certain situation, then it's better to take away the causes, rather than being reactive and passive while suffering through it.

 

So in my opinion the solution to your loneliness is to find someone and really plan and work towards it. You have to put your foot down and no longer accept being lonely.

The alternative is to put up with loneliness and tolerate it while your youth melts away. That's the cold hard truth of the matter.

 

I agree with you though that you shouldn't go for an unemployed alcoholic, that's not going to make you happy.

 

Personally I've come to a point in my life, that when I don't like something, then I simply no longer accept it. So everything that is at my disposal will be put to work to change the things I really want to see changed. And the question you're basically asking is here is "how do I cope with loneliness", how do I tolerate it, how do I accept it. Had you asked me this question years ago, then I would have given you tips on how to do that. No longer, fix the problem, change it. You must, in order to have a shot at sharing happiness with someone else. If that's your goal, then nothing less will do, then you should accept nothing less.

 

Deep down you know the steps you should take to get what you want, we all do.

Edited August 21, 2011 by Nexus One

[Imajerk17]

He wasn't nice! I mentioned him briefly on LS. He was insulting before the date even started and he talked about his therapy sessions the entire date. It was exhausting and I can’t believe I even entertained the idea of a second date. I did so out of desperation, and the fact that he had a job and wasn't an alcoholic.

 

OK, that information definitely does change things and shine things in a different light.

 

I agree with Nexus--you want solutions.

 

(1) Can you think of any hobbies, activities, and so on where you might meet a guy? You do yoga, have you tried visiting the weight room of the gym too? Go in and ask a guy for a spot!

 

(2) I also am hoping that you entertain the idea of giving more chances to the guys who seem nice (have their act together) but whom you don't feel instant chemistry right away.

[Easyguy14]

OK, that information definitely does change things and shine things in a different light.

 

I agree with Nexus--you want solutions.

 

(1) Can you think of any hobbies, activities, and so on where you might meet a guy? You do yoga, have you tried visiting the weight room of the gym too? Go in and ask a guy for a spot!

 

(2) I also am hoping that you entertain the idea of giving more chances to the guys who seem nice (have their act together) but whom you don't feel instant chemistry right away.

 

agree wholly with this response. many women dismiss a man based on a lack of instant so-called chemistry. many good men have been victims of this in the past and present. its wrong because without really getting to know a person you wont be able to make sound decisions. its different if you feel no attraction whatsoever but if you find the guy at least a little bit attractive you need to loosen up and give it a go without having to do any sleeping arrangements with him to see if more can develop. if women did this much more often like in the old days we wouldn't have all these forum complaints about not being able to find the right one/being lonely.

[Dust]

I did give him a chance. I went on a date with him 5 years ago and I went on another one last month.

 

I made a post about how much I hated dating and most people told me I was being unfair to the other person by forcing myself to go out with them. I agree with this. Why should a man have to be subjected to a date with a girl who's not into it and who is actually dreading it? That's more rude than cancelling the date.

 

I’d enjoy a date with a girl who’s dreading it. (I’m evil like that) Maybe if I rub her leg or something she’ll warm up to me!

 

He wasn't nice! I mentioned him briefly on LS. He was insulting before the date even started and he talked about his therapy sessions the entire date. It was exhausting and I can’t believe I even entertained the idea of a second date. I did so out of desperation, and the fact that he had a job and wasn't an alcoholic.

 

Insulting and then openly talked about therapy sessions… Yeah he wasn’t trying at all. You are desperate aren’t you.

 

You need to change your mind set. Be happy with where you are now. Go for what you want instead of settling. That doesn’t mean make a list of things like has to be rich, tall, and have six pack… It does mean only go out with guys you like. Don’t settle.

[iris219]

The question is not how to deal with loneliness, the question is what you can do to change your situation. Solution oriented, rather than coping oriented.

 

In my opinion the second you feel you have to "put up" with a certain situation, then it's better to take away the causes, rather than being reactive and passive while suffering through it.

 

So in my opinion the solution to your loneliness is to find someone and really plan and work towards it. You have to put your foot down and no longer accept being lonely.

The alternative is to put up with loneliness and tolerate it while your youth melts away. That's the cold hard truth of the matter.

 

I agree with you though that you shouldn't go for an unemployed alcoholic, that's not going to make you happy.

 

Personally I've come to a point in my life, that when I don't like something, then I simply no longer accept it. So everything that is at my disposal will be put to work to change the things I really want to see changed. And the question you're basically asking is here is "how do I cope with loneliness", how do I tolerate it, how do I accept it. Had you asked me this question years ago, then I would have given you tips on how to do that. No longer, fix the problem, change it. You must, in order to have a shot at sharing happiness with someone else. If that's your goal, then nothing less will do, then you should accept nothing less.

 

Deep down you know the steps you should take to get what you want, we all do.

 

Finding a suitable partner isn't something I have complete control over, so I wasn't asking how to change the fact that I'm single. Honestly, I don't think that can be changed right now. I agree that acceptance of feeling lonely could be the wrong goal though. It's possible that acceptance of my loneliness will make me complacent and less likely to seek out relationship opportunities; it could be that my loneliness has an important function. It makes me motivated to keep trying, even when trying seems futile.

[Nexus One]

Finding a suitable partner isn't something I have complete control over, so I wasn't asking how to change the fact that I'm single. Honestly, I don't think that can be changed right now. I agree that acceptance of feeling lonely could be the wrong goal though. It's possible that acceptance of my loneliness will make me complacent and less likely to seek out relationship opportunities; it could be that my loneliness has an important function. It makes me motivated to keep trying, even when trying seems futile.

 

You don't have complete control, but you can control certain factors to change your situation, that however takes will to do it. Unless there are factors outside of your control that are overpowering you, I don't see why you should accept being lonely.

[thatone]

i still think you should move. being single for a length of time isn't so bad when there's a goal in mind that's likely to change your odds.

 

spend 6 months saving money. then pick up and leave. if you don't find a job right away where you move to, screw it, be a waitress for a few months or something, you're bound to get 10 or 20 men approaching you every day that way.

 

spend your free time until then meeting people on the dating sites and facebook in the cities you see as potentials to narrow them down.

[iris219]

i still think you should move. being single for a length of time isn't so bad when there's a goal in mind that's likely to change your odds.

 

spend 6 months saving money. then pick up and leave. if you don't find a job right away where you move to, screw it, be a waitress for a few months or something, you're bound to get 10 or 20 men approaching you every day that way.

 

spend your free time until then meeting people on the dating sites and facebook in the cities you see as potentials to narrow them down.

 

I don't know if moving is possible (I would need to find a job first), but I should definitely travel more.

 

I'm thinking about taking next summer off and living somewhere else for a month or two. Maybe NYC. Maybe Denver. I'm not sure. Somewhere with a larger concentration of high quality single men.

 

I hate the idea of planning my life around dating though. I wish it would just happen...

[ThsAmericanLife]

Actually, learning how to deal with 'loneliness' in a healthy way can be conducive to having a healthy relationship.

 

No one person can possibly give you everything you need. Even while in a satisfying relationship, there will be periods of loneliness or frustration.

 

But I agree with Nexus... Overall, I'd swing more towards solution oriented than coping oriented.

 

I'm moving out of the area I live in, for instance, and focusing both my career and personal life on a location that has a wide diversity of people. It occurred to me just last week, that holy cow!!, some of the areas I've looked at to live in overseas are not much better than here in terms of demographics!!

 

Living in Aarhus, Denmark might sound fabulous... but it is a college town! How many single 40 something men am I likely to find THERE?! Like, none!!

 

Munich... Copenhagen... Amsterdam... Ok, now we're talking... Sorry, London isn't on my list. The economy in the UK is almost as bad as the US (yes, I'm splitting the good 'ol U.S. of A. If we get another Pres with a Texas accent, I'm going to shoot myself!! but I digress...)

[ThsAmericanLife]

I don't know if moving is possible (I would need to find a job first), but I should definitely travel more.

 

I'm thinking about taking next summer off and living somewhere else for a month or two. Maybe NYC. Maybe Denver. I'm not sure. Somewhere with a larger concentration of high quality single men.

 

I hate the idea of planning my life around dating though. I wish it would just happen...

 

Hey... I've actually done a TON of research in this area...

 

do NOT move to NYC.. the proportion of women to men is much higher... and is crazy expensive.

 

Denver, ok. Depending on your politics...

 

You wanna know the best places for male/female ratios (more men than women) and % of highly educated people???

 

Austin, TX

Seattle, WA

Boston, MA

 

Austin is almost a college town, but is growing FAST and a hoppin' place.

Seattle is gorgeous. People complain about the rain though. I'd manage.

Boston, I LOVE. And not far from where I currently live... but also expensive.

 

I've kinda got my eye on foreign lands though... big cities in Europe where the economies are better. Germany and any of the Scandanavian countries (not tied to the Euro!), the Netherlands. Germany IS, though, and will probably have to bail out those pesky southern Europeans.

 

Plus the men are HOT. Sorry. I'm Scandanavian. Guess I must be heading for my genetics...

[Disillusioned]

When I'm feeling lonely, I just turn to my home business and make money.

 

Holidays are tough though if I run out of work... that's when my Realdoll is a godsend, when everyone else is out partying and trying to make me jealous.

[kcahsevol]

I don't know if moving is possible (I would need to find a job first), but I should definitely travel more.

 

I'm thinking about taking next summer off and living somewhere else for a month or two. Maybe NYC. Maybe Denver. I'm not sure. Somewhere with a larger concentration of high quality single men.

 

I hate the idea of planning my life around dating though. I wish it would just happen...

 

curious, where do you live? sounds like we have a lot in common, if you are close we absolutely need to meet for a drink

[thatone]

I don't know if moving is possible (I would need to find a job first), but I should definitely travel more.

 

I'm thinking about taking next summer off and living somewhere else for a month or two. Maybe NYC. Maybe Denver. I'm not sure. Somewhere with a larger concentration of high quality single men.

 

I hate the idea of planning my life around dating though. I wish it would just happen...

 

it won't just happen, though.

 

definitely do the summer thing.

 

there's no downside. even if you don't meet anyone on the extended trip you still got to travel. so it's not like you're losing anything.

[Richard Friedman]

I don’t think about being single and lonely during the week because I’m busy with work and my job provides a lot of satisfaction. Weekends are lonely though. I’m busy on weekends, but I’d like to have a partner to share in my weekend activities. It’d be great to wake-up and have a BF to get coffee and breakfast with and to discuss what films to add to the Netflix queue. I stayed in last night and watched a movie and it would have been nice to have someone there with me. I would love to have someone to walk my dog and go for a run with, grocery shop, cook, etc. I enjoy these things alone, but they would be so much more satisfying with another person. How do I fully enjoy doing things alone? I decided to try this new frozen yogurt place last weekend by myself and it made me feel really lonely. I know that sounds dumb, but the entire time I was eating the yogurt, I was thinking how much better it would be to share the experience with a BF, and it ended up being depressing. (I won't even get into how difficult not having sex is!)

 

I feel that loneliness that comes from not being alone, but being unfulfilled emotionally. I had a fun night with friends on Friday, but I felt the loneliness seeping in. By Saturday, I the loneliness was unshakeable, so I declined going out with friends. Do you ever feel lonely while you’re with other people? It’s worse being lonely in the company of others vs. alone.

 

It doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone I’m interested in in so long and there doesn't seem to be much hope of doing so. For example, I’ve been going to the same coffee shop for several years and I can't remember seeing a single man my age in there. I cancelled a date 2 weeks ago because I couldn't get excited about the guy; I made a post here about dating not being fun and mentioned the date. It felt like such a chore that I went ahead and cancelled. It gets depressing when there are no options. Going on dates with guys I don’t like contributes to the loneliness and hopelessness. Being single is even more depressing when there seems to be no hope of meeting anyone. And it’s worse on the weekends.

 

Any other single people dislike weekends? I sometimes dread them; I look forward to the work week because I know I'll feel better emotionally. This is where I’m at the moment. Is there any way to overcome this? I feel like I need to suck it up, get over it, and try to be OK with being single forever, but I don't how.

 

Nothing unusual about this. We humans need emotional intimacy from the other gender. Women need men, and men need women. I can't give you any advice other than to put yourself out there. Hear all the time women on dating sites are flooded with attention. Or hang out with your girlfriends. Good luck.

[Shaun-Dro]

Nothing unusual about this. We humans need emotional intimacy from the other gender. Women need men, and men need women. I can't give you any advice other than to put yourself out there. Hear all the time women on dating sites are flooded with attention. Or hang out with your girlfriends. Good luck.

 

I think women need men less for emotional fulfillment because women very easily can get that need from their girlfriends. Men, on the other hand has none of those options, especially being a heterosexual male.

 

That's why you see women playing the games that they do, like refusing to return phone calls more; ignoring texts; cancelling dates more often. I understand that men do it too, but nowhere near on the level of women.

 

I'm just being upfront about this from vast experiences, listening to other people that are in relationships. Have been in relationships, you name it.

 

My own sister admits to this fault with her own gender, and my mom does partially, so I know there's a degree of truth to what I'm saying. I'll never speak with a forked-tongue . .

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[quietGuy13]

Well i'm the most lonely person ever. Never had friends or GF.

You just deal with it by having hobbies. Imagine stuff and create stuff. that's my advice. And of course keep trying to meet people.

 

I usually don't but sometimes i try. and lately i made 1 friend so i don't feel as lonely

[Sanman]

People here are treating loneliness as if being in a relationship is the only way to deal with it. That is not the case. Given what the OP has stated, it sounds as if she lacks many intimate relationships in her life. Outside of romance, these intimate relationships can be built with friends or family. While I am not currently single, I found having good friends whose company I enjoyed (different from friends whom I am not that close to) allowed me to have a good time. Even if you find a relationship, that man will not be there at all times. Work on developing all those relationships, not just finding a man.